Thursday, December 01, 2011

nothing but the best for you.

I'm thinking of the last time I went to your house...
The night ended with false innocence. We pretended like we were never lovers. We pretended like we didn't hurt each other.
I got in my car, like it was in the beginning - it's as if we traveled backwards in time, going back to a time when we barely knew each other. And before I started the engine, I sat there and stared at the window. Not through it. Just at it. And I thought to myself that maybe I'll okay.
I start the car, and the words of the song begin to play. This song. Overplayed, I know. But I still love it with a passion. And it couldn't have been more perfect as I pulled up behind you at the stop light, and our turn signals were heading the opposite directions.

We went our separate ways.
Maybe not forever, and hopefully not.

I truly wish nothing but the best for you.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

what you want.

You got what you wanted.
And somehow I'm okay with that.
Because somehow I got what I wanted too - proof.
I finally got proof that everything is going to be okay. We're going to be okay - whatever that may entail.
I got proof that you're not who I used to know. And as sad as that makes me, I'm starting to think that you're right. I'm starting to think that we're better off alone.

This whole time I couldn't understand why you did what you did, but now I'm seeing that it's what you really want. And what you want is always for the best.
I kept asking you, "What do you want?" and your answer always was always so painful and it killed me. I know you never meant to hurt me, but you did.

You are different.
We are different.
Hard to believe, but easy to see.

Monday, November 28, 2011

You are the one on my mind when I lay my head on my pillow at night.
You are the one on my mind when all I want to do is just sleep but can't because you're there.
You are the one on my mind at the moment right before I drift off into dreams.
You are the first thing to come to mind as I open my eyes in the morning.
Regardless of what I dreamt of that night.

You are the last thing I want to dream of .
But the first thing I want.

but don't you remember? don't you remember?
the reason you loved me before.
baby, please remember me once more.

Friday, November 25, 2011


Today I spent some much needed quality time with my best friends - Sarah and Marie (unfortunately, Courtney couldn't complete our quartet because she had to work). I have missed these girls terribly since I've gone to school, and we needed some time to catch up and just love each other. We went on a hike up to Tinker Cliffs. It's a part of the Appalachian Trail and a good 3-mile hike. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and perfect for a hike.

My best friends and I have been through a lot the past several months. We each have our own kinds of problems, but nonetheless we're fighting our own battles. Today I got to vent and spill all my emotions on my best friends, and they did the same. I know that we all needed it - isn't that what best friends are for? And we all agreed that today we didn't just climb up to the top of a mountain to see a gorgeous view; we climbed an emotional mountain. We gave each other advice and talked about things that only best friends talk about, and it made me beyond thankful that I have these girls in my life.

And once we got to the top, my breath was taken away. There are several reasons why I miss Roanoke, but the mountains and nature are definitely at the top of my list. The pictures don't do it any justice, and standing at the edge of the mountain today, I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself and the life I live; and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

When something takes my breath away, I let it take it and steal it for that moment. I let the wind tangle my hair and make my eyes water. I let the thousands of feet of earth below me hold me up as I let everything go. I let the thousands of miles of ocean before me flow with the beat of my heart. I want to feel small. I want to feel like in the grand scheme of things, my problems and worries are completely insignificant. I want to feel tiny compared to the big rocks next to me. I want to feel like 1 in 6 billion people. I want to feel like I'm billions of light-years away from the stars in see in the sky. I want my breath to be taken away.

That is the feeling that I live for because there's nothing like feeling like your problems don't even matter. 
It's just you and this big beautiful world that you're surrounded by.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

gratitude saves a broken heart.

It's been exactly a month since I've written a blog post.
And within that month I did a lot of crying, changing, growing, dancing, breathing, sleeping, and living. I did it all for myself, and I needed it. I needed time to sort out thins with myself and my heart. I've really been going through a tough time the past month, and I need to take this time to say that I am thankful for it.

Even through all the pain and confusion that I've felt the past month, I'm thankful for every bit of it. I wake up every morning alive, and I think that's a wonderful think to be thankful for in itself.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving today with my family. I ate my weight in food, and it will be fun trying to lose it all in time for Nutcracker. I love being home from school. I'm finding that I'm missing home a lot more than I thought. I really wish that I could stay here for a lot longer...
Every year, I post a list of things that I'm thankful for. And without fail, here it is:

my family. I know that last year, I felt like I was so ready to leave the house and I felt like we were outgrowing each other. But I still love my family, and I miss them a lot more than they will ever know. They give me everything I need and more.

my best friends. Being away from home is making me realize who my real best friends are. They're like my sisters, and they know everything about me. They're always there when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to fart with. I really don't know what I would do without them.

dancing. This is a given, but I am always thankful for the art of dance and what it has brought to my life. My opportunities as a young dancer are opening up faster than I thought they ever would. Dance has seriously gotten me through the toughest times in my life, and I am happy and full of life today because of it. It will never leave me, and you can expect to see me dancing until the day I die.

pumpkin. I am so obsessed with everything pumpkin flavored. As much as I wish that pumpkin was a year-round kind of thing, the fact that it only comes around fall-time makes it worth waiting for every single year.

college. Although that dancers necessarily need to go to college for a successful career, I am glad that I am going to college. It's a great experience, and it is everything that people crack it up to be - fun, stressful, exciting, and fresh. And I'm thankful that I get to have that experience.

nature. Living in the city has made me realize how beautiful Roanoke is, and how much I really do miss the mountains, valleys, and miles of woods. Although I will always be a city girl, I could stay out here forever.

food, clothing, and shelter. I am thankful for this every single day, and you should be too.

puppies + kittens. When it seems like you're all alone, your pets will always be there to cuddle with you and lick up your tears that you only shed when you feel truly alone. They always love you no matter what.

coffee. Have a cup every morning. Great way to start the day.

you. I've had this blog for about 3 years now, and some of you have been reading it from the beginning. As have I, this blog has had its ups and downs. You have read my deepest thoughts, and although that would make some people uncomfortable, to me it's comforting. It's comforting to know that amazing people like you read my thoughts and are somehow touched or inspired, and I'm thankful for every single one of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving, loves.

PS. Found this video, and it is completely relevant. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

hey, heartbreak! i remember you...

in times of change in my life, i always turn to my favorite book: the unbearable lightness of being. it never fails me <3

It has certainly been a while since I've felt anything close to heartbreak.
But I certainly haven't forgotten the feeling. Or what happens and how you're going to deal with it.

I believe that a heart can only be broken once. Because you pick up all the pieces you have left and take the time to put them back together as best as you can. And whoever hurts your heart after that is just putting in new cracks or opening old ones. And you feel the stinging of the open cracks and your heart hurts. And it aches.

The good news is: your heart isn't broken.
The bad news is: you remember what it's like to be heartbroken.
More good news is: since you've been through it before, you can get through it again. Maybe even faster and maybe even make your heart even stronger.
More bad news is: you remember what it's like to be heartbroken. And it might take you just as long as the first time...
But it's all up to you as to how long and how you will deal with it. You're strong. And your heart may be cracked and bruised, but you'll get through it again. And you'll come out stronger than before. I promise.

My heart isn't aching anymore.
It was until now.

Today was a good day.
Today I felt good.
Today I felt amazing.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

you've gotta open your eyes to see.

When my last claddagh ring broke, things took a turn for the better.
I found my cure, and I found my true love.
And I'm really hoping that things will start looking up for me one of these days. Actually, I'm just hoping for one thing.

I went through my old journal entries to find that I have learned a lot of things thus far in my life. I have learned a lot of tough lessons the hard way, but still I ignore what I've learned. I cried a lot over my failures and promised to never regret them, yet after crying, I went on to keep making the same mistakes and hurting myself and the ones I love alike.

But I'm finally learning my lessons.
I'm opening my eyes.
I'm seeing me - strong, willing, wise, and young.
Please see me, too.

and when you told me, "tomorrow never comes quite soon enough"
i remember saying, "what about today? yeah, we are here today. tomorrow always seems so far away."

PS. Andy Shauf = my new obsession.