Thursday, December 31, 2009

i lied.

I have to be sad one more time about him before this year is over. Just because today is his birthday.

And the internet is an evil thing when he forgets we're friends on Facebook, and he posts pictures from his birthday bash. That I obviously wasn't invited to. Pictures of his friends. My friends.

How shallow.
How cruel.
How pathetic I am for crying.
But I'm accepting the fact that he just didn't want me there.

It doesn't matter though, because I know by the end of the night, I won't care. As soon as the clock strikes midnight, it's all over.
Your birthday.
This year.
So over.

And I'll dance around just like this...


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2009.


I'm so glad that I got to spend this winter break at home. Last year, we went up to Maryland and stayed there longer than we should have. We made up for that by staying home this year. Did a lot of driving. Did a lot of cleaning. And did a lot of song writing. Usually around this time of the year, I'd be thinking of a particular person that I would like to kiss at midnight. But no one is on my mind this year. And I'm okay with that. Because in 2010, I'm going to start fresh. I'm not going to fall back to people that I have a past with. Brand new everything.

Here's my last post for 2009.
I want to thank all of you readers. Followers and those who just stumble upon it. You have made this year amazing with your words and constant support. There isn't anything more I could ask from you guys. So thank you thank you thank you thank you again! Never ever ever stop being as rad as you already are!
This is what 2009 was to me...
2009
I hate to admit it, but most of this year was defined by a boy. A boy who broke my heart and walked away. But because of that, I've learned so much about myself, love, life, and the world we live in. And I'm not done learning. And in the end, I'm happy. And that's all that matters.
Just a few pieces of advice/blurbs/random thoughts that need to be said before this year is through...
-When teachers say to look for colleges in freshman year and you think it's too early, it's never too early. Seriously. Start looking.
-The hot boys aren't always the nice boys.
-Most of the time, those hot boys are the insecure ones.
-I've fallen in love with Lady Gaga. She is pure brilliance.
-I successfully learned how to knit. I said I know how to knit. I never said I knew how to successfully make cute little things.
-I've never hated snow until this blizzard.
-I love traveling.
-Stage makeup hates me.
-Corndogs + hotdogs can be best friends.
-Snuggies make the best gifts.
-The smell of hot dogs makes me want to throw up.
-I hate it when people don't pay attention to fashion trends. And they say that something is out when it's actually in for this year, i.e. distressed jeans. (they were in for this fall)
-I've perfected a bevel.
-I've became a better singer/songwriter/guitar player. Kind of?
-Keep in mind that, the road to healing from heartbreak isn't the smoothest one. So don't get too upset when you hit a bump or take a sharp unexpected turn.
-Honesty is the most important value in any relationship. Family. Friends. Or lovers.
-Only make promises you can keep.
-Learn to pick yourself up off the floor. Sometimes no one else will know how to except you.
-I like spending time in saunas + hot tubs.
-Dance auditions are the scariest/most exhilarating things I will do in my life. I can't wait to do the next hundred for myself.
-I hate driving big cars.
-I discovered the thrill + pleasure of being alone in the car with him.
-Photography has become one of my passions.
-Photoshop really isn't as bad as you think. You can do a lot of amazing things with it!
-That's what she said.
-Kanye West is a poopyhead.
-I've spent too much time on the internet this year.
-Is it too much to ask to grow just a few more inches? Please?!?!
-Last year, I wrote about that boy you will always like and that you shouldn't give up on him. There's an exception: when he gives up on you and just walks away, let him go.
-There is no such thing as no strings attached. There are always strings. Always.
-Karma will catch up to you. All you can do is stand your ground.
-Stop. Take a deep breath. Look around. Feel small. We're all just humans.
-Time flies. It really does.
-Taylor Swift is my musical role model.
-Books + music are among my favorite things.
-I'd like bigger, nerdier glasses, please.
-Sometimes you really do need money.
-The thought of his kisses make me want to throw up.
-You don't realize how happy you are until you're broken.
-I tend to fantasize too much.
-I've kissed people I shouldn't have kissed.
-I kissed one boy too many times.
-I didn't kiss someone that I should've.
-No matter how many "what if's" or "should've" "could've" "would've's" you think/cry/get frusted about, don't regret anything. Everything happens for a reason.
-Remember that things will always be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.
-Most techno music makes me want to cry. (My equivalent to the Beatles for Kelts...)
-I love touch screen technology stuff.
-I hate my phone. Piece of crap.
-I've made peace with myself. And with the other girl.
-I finally learned how to take a Starburst wrapper with just my mouth. I'm an animal.
-Whenever you get an opportunity to say what you want to say, say it. Don't lose that chance because you might not get another.
-I wish I could take my own advice.
-As much as I hate my feet, I've finally realized that they're not going to get any prettier.
-I love my teeth without metal pulling on them.
-I'm too good at covering up my feelings with a big smile and by brightening everyone's day.
-Twins make great friends. And very good cookies.
-I love blogging. Enough said.

I feel like I repeat myself too much on this blog of mine. But I might just be getting old.
I hope you all had a memorable (and less roller coaster-y) year as I did!! Happy New Year!
See you all in 2010!!
xobria

Monday, December 28, 2009

there's something about a man on skates...

"people keep telling me that i fall in love too easily - that i should protect my heart, that i shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve...i fall in love at least 20 times a day. i fall in love with the sky and the sun and flowers and my children. i fall in love with smiles, with the music on the radio and the french fries and dr. pepper. i fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents...sometimes i fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and kissing in public. the ones who aren't afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either. i don't mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because i think they're wrong. love looks good on me."--natalie anne erlanson


I went to the local skate center again today with my cousin and sister.
And there I saw a boy in the middle of the rink dancing. On roller skates. He was moving to the beat and doing crazy moves. And I fell in love.
It's one thing if a boy can dance. But it's another thing if a boy can dance on skates.
The boy at the rink looked a little like this fellow; minus the comb over, tights, turtleneck, and ancient skates. And he was cuter. Okay, he doesn't really look like this guy, but I'll never forget him.


And when I left the rink. My heart broke just a little.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

do you forgive me too?


It was easier to forgive you than it was to forgive myself. As much as I want you to know that I forgive you, I think I'll just leave you as you are. Drama is down to a minimum, and things in my head are clearer than ever before. You've done your damage, and things are cleared up now. But I just have one question...do you forgive me too?
I feel like I contributed some to this poisonous affair and this failure. And as long as you're not going to let me know that we're okay now, I'm not going to either...

These past few days have been filled with makeup free days + good music.
I've been listening, discovering, and writing new music, and I love this feeling like I've got all the time in the world to do whatever I want. I'm going to give myself a simple ballet barre to keep in shape.
And maybe make some new choreo to this song?


sure i can accept that we're going nowhere,
but one last time let's go there.

Friday, December 25, 2009

christmas is my middle name.


"your friendship is a glowing ember through the year; and each december. from its warm and living spark, we kindle flame against the dark and with its shining radiance light our tree of faith on christmas night."

Seriously, it is. My middle name is Noelle, which most definitely means Christmas. :)

So with that...Merry Christmas!! This Christmas season seems to be one of the jolliest I've ever seen. With the economy down, it seems like everyone is treasuring their time with the family around the Christmas tree and fireplace. Last night, we went to a birthday/Christmas party, and we celebrated being together! And we jumped the gun and did sparklers last night rather than on New Year's. But we're still definitely breaking more out for NYE. I didn't ask for anything from my parents this year because they've spent so much money on us these past few weeks, I wanted to spare them the extra stress for just another Christmas present. And it seems like every year, the number of presents I receive reduces, but I can't complain. Because it seems like every year, the things I truly can ask for and want can't be bought at a store. Friendship. Trust. Happiness. Courage. Companionship. Love.
This year, I wrote a letter to Santa asking for the affections of a certain boy. Call me obsessive, naive, cheesy, or pathetic. But I believe in love, wishes, and dreams. And at this point, I know that things aren't going to work out for me and him, but I don't really care if that Christmas wish even comes true. Just writing all my feelings down on a piece of paper made me feel so much better, and I'm ready to move on.
I never like the end. With this year coming to an end, I think back on this whole year. How much has changed. How much has stayed the same. A whole year ago. December 2008. I was falling for someone. Someone I thought was going to care for me. And my Christmas wish a whole year ago was the same for him; to make it happen, and to make it last. And through this entire year, my heart had his picture on it. In the end, after all the hurt, I can't help but cry. I think back to last Christmas time, how happy I was and how stupid I was to jump in headfirst into what we shared. I spent too much time looking at us and what it seemed to be that I didn't see us for what we really were: an accident. Everybody saw the end for the both of us, except me. But then I think about how far I've come and how much I've learned this year. Which makes it all worth while. Yet I still cry.
I've spent too much of this year with my heart on my sleeve. And I paid for it. Learn to take care of your heart yourself before you give it to someone else to take care of. Because if you don't, you'll never know how it's supposed to be. I always tend to forget that before anyone else can love me, I'm going to love myself. Confidence and comfort in oneself is key. I wish I learned that earlier because I wouldn't have loved him more than I loved myself.

I don't want to wrap up this year quite yet. We've got one more week! But I do want to say that although I've spent most of this year revolving around a boy, a hope, a dream, a failure, this year was my year. I've gotten scholarships and praises. I got to go to a summer intensive that made me grow as a dancer, and I met people that changed my life. I fell out of love and moved on in (more or less) one piece. I have inspired many and myself to keep chasing and following those dreams, no matter what. And I think the best gift I've received this year is myself. This version of myself that I've grown to be comfortable with and accept more than I ever have. Instead of getting someone else's love, care, and acceptance, I got my own. Which was a long journey. Well paid off.
"if you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world it will come through the expression of your own personality, that single spark of divinity that sets you off and makes you different from every other living creature."--bruce barton

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

eve's eve.


The other day, I made a keychain. It was actually one of those keychains with the little plastic pieces that let you put a picture in it. But I didn't put a picture in it. I put all the fortunes I got from fortune cookies that I've kept. Ones that inspire me and keep me looking to the future. I'm going to have my license by the end of next week. And I'll be looking at my set of keys many times in the next forever, so I'm glad I can look down at then look right back up. When I'm out on the road to nowhere, I'll know that I know where I'm going in life. Call me cheesy, but sometimes the best inspiration comes from the smallest things. Even those funny little fortune cookie papers that tell you how to say "apple" in chinese.

You know that it's really break when you lose track of what day it is. I love losing myself in time and spending all day with a guitar and a few words to sing. Someone once told me that you are most inspired when you feel pain. Why is it that we remember the pain before we remember the happiness? I guess it's that thing where you don't realize what you've got until it's gone. You don't realize how much time you've got until it's gone. You don't know how happy you are until you're sad.

I like this girl a lot.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

take a chance


it feels like i've been through this before
you're just another boy who doesn't know what to do
i can honestly say, that i can't take this anymore
all you're expecting is lies when it's actually true

oh, it's easy as 1, 2, 3
all you gotta do, baby is
take a chance on me

i've been told before that i'm a tough one to crack
but you gotta work for what you want, baby
i'll let you walk away because i know you'll be back
just say the words, and i'm yours. you'll see

oh, it's easy as a, b, c
all you gotta do, baby is
take a chance on me


So many times I've dealt with boys that have given up because they didn't want to work for me or they just gave up. All us girls play hard to get, and sometimes there are just those boys who just don't know what to do. Most of the time, those are the ones to just let go of because if they aren't going to work for what you're worth. They're not worth what you are worth. If they want an "easy" girl, don't be that "easy" girl. You are worth so much more than that.

I bet you that you're protective of your best friends.
Treat yourself like your best friend.

girls' day out!

"i love to see a young girl go out and the world by the lapels. life's a bitch. you've got to go out and kick ass."--maya angelou

The first few days of break are always slow. I guess it's a little bit of a snowball effect. No pun intended.
Yesterday I started my driving lessons required to get my license. And so far, I'm doing really well. Not any bad marks so far. I'm a good driver I think. Hopefully I'll be done with lessons next week and can get my road test done at the same time. Then get my license! It's so weird seeming all growed up. I remember being little and pretending to drive a car on the patio furniture in my backyard. I just can't believe it will happen in just about a week! I guess it's all part of time and getting older.
But today, after today's driving lesson, I came to watch my dad's truck get towed away. So that's the other part about growing up. Being in situations like that. We weren't causing a scene or anything being in the parking lot on the main road right by my house. People that I know passing by seeing my dad's truck being towed. But what else am I supposed to say besides, "It happens." ? I just don't want to know what would happen if I was stuck and had to get towed...


After that bit of adventure, I had a date with some stinky rollerblades + the girls that sit at my lunch table. We made sure to spend a day all together before one of them leaves for Cancun tomorrow! Lucky duck. We all got together at the local skating rink and jammed out while skating around and around. Who knew getting sweaty and stinky with some girlfriends could be so fun?! I didn't even bother to think if a boy would enjoy something like this. It didn't even cross my mind because I was so looking forward to spending a full day with my girls.

And while I was speeding around the rink, a boy sent me a text message. Asking me what I was up to tonight and if there was room for him in those plans. Usually I would be flattered and obliged to go out with him. But in all honesty, I didn't want to think about boys for a whole day. I was so much in the moment that a little date didn't even sound like fun to me. I liked it. The last time I felt like that was 6th grade. When I would rather go laser tagging than go "hang out" with a boy.
Today was a good day.


I bet you can figure out which arm I am...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

dear santa,

"believe in love. believe in magic. hell, believe in santa claus. believe in others. believe in yourself. believe in your dreams. if you don't, who will?"--jon bon jovi


I wrote my letter to Santa this morning. And when I finished it I buried it in the snow on the roof of my house (I can reach it from my bedroom window, so don't think I got a ladder out and shimmied up the side of the house). I asked for something that you can't buy at a store or order from an online catalog. I'm still not really sure how Santa is going to grant my Christmas wish this year, but I believe in love, magic, Santa, others, myself, and my dreams. So maybe that's all I'll need for Christmas this year...

I've been snowed in my house for more than twenty-four hours, and I'm enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I've been out a few times to play in the snow, sled, and see my dog make some yellow snow. But the best part is sitting by my fire, with my snuggie, my guitar, and a few song ideas. I've been writing songs like crazy these days, and I don't know what's gotten into me, but I like it. I like it a lot. I just wrote another one this morning. I'll shoot it by you guys through the Myspace page soon enough. Now back to my cup of hot cocoa + Taylor Swift CD...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

snow snow snow.


"snow doesn't give a soft white damn whom it touches."--e.e. cummings


I woke up this morning feeling extremely lazy and apathetic. I didn't get out of my bed until about an hour I woke up. Rehearsal and the company Christmas party were cancelled due to the snow. Yesterday, my dad's truck got stuck in a ditch and some nice neighbors helped him get out of the nasty white mess. My mom is going to bake them some bread rolls for Christmas. We got out of school early yesterday because of the blizzard rolling in. The forecast called for 10-15", but it looks like we're going to get just under two feet of snow. Beautiful. I love the snow, and this is truly the perfect way to start winter break. Lazy. Snowy. And Rice Krispy Treat baking-y.


I posted the Christmas song that I wrote on my Music Myspace -http://www.myspace.com/briaballerinasings. Let me know what you guys think about it! It was totally on a whim since I was snowed in from going out last night. Also, I'm going to use the snow as an excuse to not finish this history paper. As well as good music. I've been listening to Christina Perri, Zee Avi, and Lykke Li all day. It's been a good day.


so tell me when you hear my heart stop
you're the only one that knows.

Friday, December 18, 2009

things we forget.




I tend to forget things. That's why I keep an agenda with my schedule for the next few days, weeks, and months. I keep post-it notes places to remind me to do things. But there are things that I always tend to forget:

-I'm only human. Mistake is inevitable.
-I'm only sixteen. I have so much more of my life ahead of me to live.
-There are 6 billion people on this planet. One of them is bound to fall in love with me at the right time at the right place.
-I can't please everyone. Although it is in my nature as a dancer to please everyone. Some people aren't going to be impressed.
-Crying isn't always going to get you what you want.
-Things happen for a reason. But you can fight back. Only if you think you'll win.
-The more things change, the more they stay the same.
-The boys I tend to attract are the insecure ones. But I don't find out until later. Much later.
-Sadly, you can't trust everyone.
-The person you want and the person that wants you are rarely the same person. So when it finally happens, you know it's something special.
-Bad weather is always followed by good weather. Always.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"i'm getting greedy."

"i truly believe that there are people out there looking for someone to run fast, travel the world and buzz around life filled with zest and passion with...maybe one day i will look beside me and someone will be running along with me, and maybe not."--keltie colleen




I'm sorry for the delayed updates. Those nights I've been falling asleep late at night leaving those posts unfinished. I just now had a chance to get them finished and published. But lately I've been catching up on some old school work and getting ready for the holidays. I've been crocheting and knitting Christmas presents and still making time to make a study date. Despite all the school work, all we're doing at school is watching movies. "Up" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" are on the menu. But I love how things are going right now.


This past weekend has been so surreal that it's hard to get back to reality that is school and work and chores. But I'm so glad that I found yet another thing to make my life seem surreal. I've been pushing through the past few months to finally get to Nutcracker and now that it's finally over, I can slow things down. And I look behind me, and I see someone trying to keep up. And finally we're going through life together. I'm more scared than excited, but things that are meant to be are going to be meant to be. It seems like I'm being overly happy about how things are going right now. But I think that's only because it's been a while since I've been truly happy with someone. I apologize. It's been a while. His search for adventure is what I've been looking for, and finally I can go on that adventure with that someone who wants it as bad as I do.
Just take it slow. You'll surprise yourself.
xobria

Sunday, December 13, 2009

final show.

"you are going to go so far...don't ever stop dancing."




Today was the last show of Nutcracker 2009. And I just can't believe it's over. It came quickly this year, and it's gone just as fast. I was Marzipan in today's performance, and it was time for me to be FEARLESS just one more time on that stage for this year. I've done this dance so many times that I wasn't shaking today. It's interesting that I was shaking so bad yesterday, and then today I was completely fine. And even though my fellow was out in the audience today, I wasn't a bit worried. He had already watched dress rehearsals, so I wasn't too worried.

(do you spot my Keltie Colleen mantra cuff?!?!)

My performance today wasn't as strong as I would like it to be, but of course the best part was talking to the audience members. Old friends came and my fellow seemed to have been overwhelmed by all the people surrounding me. When all I really wanted to do was talk to him. I talked with a few little girls that told me that they loved my tutu and they want to be a ballerina someday too. And I just look into their little eyes of wonder, and I have nothing but the highest hopes for them. I always tell them to work very hard so they can be a good ballerina like me. Or something like that.

Nutcracker season is my favorite part of the year. Everyone is so involved and englufed in the magic that it brings happiness to everyone and that's the best part. This ballet is just so magical that it puts the holiday spirit in even those Scrooges out there. People get to be involved with the ballet that normally wouldn't see themselves being a part of it. And it's such a great experience for anyone and everyone.

All the years that I've done Nutcracker with this company, I've never seen the day of two nearly sold out shows. We had to add more chairs to the house to fit more people! It amazes me, and I love how this company has attracted so many people from all over the valley. This company is growing so much, and I'm so glad that I became a part of it once it started to take off. Amazing.


I remember every single thing that people say to me because I don't ever want to forget anything. Each and every thing means so much to me. And I treat it as if it was the first compliment I've ever received. When people tell me that I'm going to be "famous" someday and that they will be able to say that they were friends with me, I just say "Or something like that." It's not the fame I'm looking forward to. It's the success. The satisfaction. The passion. The perfection. The glamor. And the happiness I'm going to be feeling being able to do what I love.


I don't want to think about this...but I only have one more Nutcracker left with this company. This company has taught me so much about the dancing world and about myself. It's taught me that I can really make it out there if I just be myself and be the best version of myself. It seems like I don't want to leave, but I just know that a year from now I'm going to be ready for the real dance world and all that it has to offer. I can't wait.


Goodbye, Nutcracker '09. You sure were a great one.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

opening night.

"bria, you became a superstar tonight."


Tonight was the first public show, and I woke up this morning shaking. I rarely get nervous, but this year I'm more nervous than ever. I always knew as the theatre to be a holy place where magical things happened, but for some reason, this year, it seemed to not be doing anything good for me. I got all my fouettes perfectly in the studio, but as soon as I got to the theatre, they were off like I've never practiced them for the past few months that we've been working on Nutcracker. This entire week I've been doing nothing but pushing myself to do my best because I know that my hard work will pay off. Backstage I'd stretch and warm up as the cadence of "I am fearless." run through my head. I was channeling all my passion and purpose for the stage every moment I stepped onto it. Whether it was warm up or dress rehearsal, yet I always felt like I fell short.



Through warm up I was still shaking from the fear of failing, but as the opening of the show drew closer, I began to worry less and began to enjoy it more. An old friend of mine, Aaron, came back for the weekend to watch the show, and he made me calm down a little bit. He's always good at that. Backstage, as I powdered my nose and got lipstick on my teeth, I breathed. Things didn't seem so bad anymore because I began to believe in myself and get more and more excited. I didn't need to be perfect. But I just needed to be perfect enough for me to be happy with what I have accomplished to be proud of myself. That's the greatest reward.
And tonight, I was Dewdrop. So the best thing I could do was be myself with a little dash of Dylan sprinkled in for flavor...




But I never should've doubted the power of the theatre. Every single step I danced was fullout and most imporantly FEARLESS. I didn't hold back a single inch of my body. Everything was extended to its fullest extent and everything was filled with fluid breath. But the strangest thing happened while I was dancing Dewdrop tonight...my mouth got extremely dry! And even though I came off stage a few times, I didn't have time to grab a drink of water. So I was pretty much dry mouthed the entire dance. It didn't feel pretty, but I still looked like it. My fouettes weren't as strong as I wanted them to be, but I got them better in the last counts of the dance which made me happy that the dance ended on a high note. My performance tonight was absolutely amazing. It was my first real solo for a big show, and I felt absolutely fabulous and FEARLESS. As soon as I got backstage, I caught my breath and I realized that I'm living my dream and that I was breathing out of my ear. It was the strangest thing I've ever dealt with! I could feel and hear my breath coming out of my ear. It was so strange...but I got my drink of water and finished the show in a big bang.

As happy as I was with my performance, I was even more happier to see the crowd we attracted tonight. In all my years of being in this company, I've never seen this big of a crowd. It really makes me realize how much we have grown as a company and made our footprint in this community. The company isn't just us dancers, it's everyone that supports us. And we are so lucky to be a part of something like this at such a young age and right in our backyards. People travel around looking for opportunities like this, and I just feel so blessed.
And through this all, I've gotten so much praise from my family and friends. Aaron and Bryan (the professional dancer that was Nutcracker Prince) both told me that I was absolutely solid tonight. Having those two amazing men tell me that I was great tonight still can't get out of my head. It's the most amazing feeling ever. But most recently I've been getting praise from people I've never met before. It's the most amazing thing that anyone could ever experience. And while most people will find themselves just getting caught up in the moment, I take each person as if they were the first person to tell me something amazing. I'm still not used to the autographs or random pictures, and I don't think I ever will. I don't want to because I want to appreciate each person as they see something in me that makes them feel like they should ask for a picture or scribble my name on their program. I talked with little toddler girls to girls that were about my age and even older. It really makes me happy that I can touch every age group there is. My dreams are coming true so fast. But it's only the beginning...


And still, at the end of the night, I take off the beautiful tutu and I clean up my station. And I walk out of the back of the theatre with my sweatpants and glasses on looking like a normal person. It still amazes me how for about 3 hours I can be the most glorious dancer I can ever be, but still walk out into the night as Briaballerina Dorkpants.


I love my life,
xobria

Friday, December 11, 2009

school show



Today was the glorious school performance. We performed for over 2,200 school kids. The school show is one of my favorites because the kids are going to love you no matter what. You screw up a pirouette they're going to love you. Forget a step, they'll love you even more. The innocence of it all just makes me feel better and makes the show run so much smoother! I was a Marzipan today, and although I didn't feel like I was on my game today, everyone said that I did fine. Good to know that I'm not as bad as I think I am.

Tonight I went to Dicken's of a Christmas to snuggle up with some friends. It was absolutely freezing, but I just loved being surrounded by everything Christmas. I remember every year, my family would take a road trip up to New York and spend a couple days walking around and admiring it in all its Christmas splendor. It makes me very sad that we won't be going again this year, so all I can do is dream about the beautiful Rockefeller Center and flashing Times Square all through the Christmas season...

I'm about to drop dead, but...
-My magic was at its highest today. I succeeded at making my alternate for Dewdrop get all her fouettes.
-I love walking out of the theatre with my face smelling like a baby's butt and looking like I have severe dandruff.
-I met a homeless man named Victor Jones today. He hugged me then proceeded to go to a bar to celebrate catching up with some old "friends" (me and the people I was with).
-Vacuuming my basement today was the worst thing ever. Dead bugs in the corner are never a good thing.
-Just a warning: I look VERY different without all my stage makeup and hair pulled back. It may surprise some people.
-I think I have found him. He started dancing when I didn't feel like it. He's perfect.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

four.

before.


Today I got to stay home from school to sleep. I definitely needed my rest. I knew that if I made myself go to school then I would just be making myself more sick. Which definitely can't happen. I spent the day cuddling up with my pup and drinking coffee. I was in a coffee mood today.
Tonight was the final dress rehearsal. And frankly, it wasn't my best. I keep freaking out for nothing. I have pretty big roles this year, and I keep psyching myself out thinking that I won't be able to do it. When I definitely know I can. I am fearless. That's all I'm going to be telling myself for the next 72 hours or so.

This is the new Dewdrop tutu, and I love it so much! It's absolutely gorgeous, and I can't stop feeling beautiful in it. The woman who made it, Mrs. Long (the mother of the greatest dancer I know, Jordan-Elizabeth Long), is so skilled when it comes to costume making. Everything she touches turns into gold. Beautiful, glittery, tulle-y gold. Tonight she said to my mom, "Bria is a very strong dancer. She's doing so well. She's very confident when she dances." When my mom told me she had said this, I started crying. Mrs. Long is the mother to a very graceful, gorgeous, and extremely successful ballerina, so knowing that she said this about me just made me feel amazing. I was so happy, I started crying.




I'm tired, but just a few more things to say:
-Skippy is pretty much the greatest person ever. 1. He called me asking me why I was late to rehearsal today. 2. He gave me a Cowtale after rehearsal without knowing that I love them with a passion.
-I have been dubbed Dylan II by Munson. I don't think I've ever had a better nickname.
-Who knew that cute kids in little mice costumes could be somewhat frightening?
-Maybe I should stop looking for you.
-I still haven't gotten my onesie, and I'm very upset by this.
-People need to stop being so hard on themselves. Including me.
-Your pointe shoes are extremely dead, Bria. Good. Job.
-Stage makeup seriously hates me.
-The best part of my night = him: "Ok so when am I seeing you?" me: "I don't know, when would you like to see me?" him: "Right now."

after.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

three.


I look like such a hot mess in this picture. But it looks a lot like this one. Dark circles under my eyes. Chills. Stomach hurting. The truth is: I'm making myself sick. I wasn't feeling very well at all today at school, so I went to the nurse. She said that I didn't have a fever at all, but I that I was suffering from sleep deprivation. If school wasn't so tough this year, it wouldn't be a problem. I'm not going to school tomorrow so that I can sleep and rest my tired little body...
Tonight:
-I completely blanked out during snow. Curséd tummy ache.
-my mother went on a wild goose chase for a pair of emergency pointe shoes for me. She has failed to find a pair. But she hasn't failed at being a wonderful mother. Not at all. Thanks, Mum.
-Will be the last time I ever think about putting safety pins in my pointe shoes. They're deadly. Like little spears.
-Pedro laid his head in my lap, and I rubbed his belly. I've have never felt a better connection.
-I couldn't stop giggling. Thank you.
-My Marzipan tutu was really perky and decided to stick up in the back. Who wants my phone number?
-The stage hands need to turn up the heat backstage. We may be snowflakes, but we don't want to be frozen.
-As you sip on your hot cocoa with the little marshmellows, you will think of me.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

two.

Today was just Act I at the theatre. Which meant a lot of sitting around for me since I'm only a snowflake. I really miss doing party scene. A party girl was one of my first roles in Nutcracker, and it's such a fun part to do. Lots of acting. Which I'm pretty good at.
I enjoyed watching my precious little brother be the Rabbit soldier and call all the other little soldiers onstage. The best part was watching him work the cannon (a fire extinguisher in a wooden cannon looking thing). He is beyond excited, and I'm so happy to have him backstage with me this year.

I feel like I'm going to pass out even before I can even ice my feet. But just a few things to close out this blog:
-I suck at knitting. I started a muk-luk pattern and half of it has already unraveled. FML.
-am I think only one who knows my marks for snow?! Because I was on the right mark today, but everyone else was on a different one so it made me look wrong. But actually I was right.
-I'm a pretty good gift wrapper.
-Go look up the great list of phobias. It's fantastic.
-I tried sleeping during rehearsal tonight. Didn't work.
-You've done it once again, Cha cha.
-I really hope to see you this week. I have something to tell you.
-The great mole rat = an obscure and mysterious mole rat that takes presence in the rituals and practices of many underground cults esp. in the etc

Monday, December 07, 2009

one.


And so it begins...Nutcracker Theatre Week '09.
Magic happens at the theatre. That's all I have to say. And this theatre is my favorite one to perform at. It's such a large stage, and the house where the audience sits is even bigger. It's like your own world in there. Anything can happen. And magical things will happen while we're here. I can feel it.

Tonight was just Act II. And I think the stress of theatre week has finally gotten to Pedro, as well to all of us. We're all jet gluing and spray painting pointe shoes here and there. Taping toes and sewing shoes and costumes last minute. And most of us have to squeeze in time for homework in between dances. I proposed the idea that school should let out for Nutcracker week. I'm working on the petition for it to happen. Because we would really appreciate that.

As my feet sit in buckets of ice water, I ponder...
-sometimes the non-creepy looking guys are the creepy ones
-orajel is SERIOUSLY my best friend at the moment.
-flowers was a disaster. Typical.
-do the Rockettes warm up to Christmas music? Because we do.
-Thank you, Cha cha.
-nice to see you again, Humping Chair.
-I'd like a onesie by Friday morning. Thanks.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

the glamorous life of a dancer.


Today concluded our studio rehearsals for the Nutcracker. Yesterday was Cast A (Friday + Sunday shows) full run through, but company members were there for 9 hours. This picture is the chaos and splendor that happens during "full run through" weekend. Call me crazy, but I love spending a full day in the studio. It's probably because I feel like you could always use more practice. No matter how ready you feel, I always think that it doesn't hurt to rehearse it two or three more times. Actually, I would prefer to. Muscle memory. It also gives you more time to choreograph where you should breathe. One thing that I learned over the summer (through all the tough Balanchine variations I learned) is that you have to choreograph where you're going to take one huge big gasp of oxygen. Maybe it's before that huge maneg of piqué turns. Before that long diagonal of saut de chats. Figure it out because it will make your dancing more fluid and prevent you from passing out on stage.
Both Pedro and I were quite happy with how I did with Dewdrop yesterday. But like I said, I definitely could feel like I could rehearse a good five or seven or billion more times.

This year, my seven year old brother is joining me for his first Nutcracker. He is the very important bunny soldier that bangs on the drum to call all the other toy soldiers. And I just giggled to think that I was once that small and just a little soldier in Battle Scene. It seems ages ago that I was doing my first Nutcracker. My first Nutcracker established my dream role of Nutcracker: Arabian Coffee. My first Nutcracker, I watched the Arabian soloist and dreamt of that role. So far, I've done almost every divertissment except my dream one. I'm hoping that next year (my senior year! yikes!) I'll finally be able to land the part of Arabian Coffee.
I think all my years of dancing on these two little feet have caught up on me. I've never really had problems with my feet + pointe shoes until this year. I've had crazy blisters, tendonitis, and purple bruised toenails. And as dancers, we have to learn how to save ourselves. Whether it's finished fouettes early to save a twisted ankle or being just a hair late on music to get that jump just right and safe. I still haven't decided whether I like to save myself or have someone save me, just one time. I have found salvation in Orajel, bandaids, 2nd skin, and squishy toe tape. And it's always going to be me to mend my own wounds. however, I just hope that one day, maybe someday soon, I'll find someone who will save me and mend my cracked little heart. That would be nice.



Of course, Friday was the Dicken's of a Christmas performance. It was 40 degrees winter weather outside, and we had our cute little costumes on with peacoats, scarves, and gloves on to stay warm. We took shelter in a bar right next to the stage (Note to self: Don't ever go to a bar in a red spandex body suit). We kept our coats on until the last minute, but that didn't seem to do much because well, it was cold. And let's just say our little dancer boobs were especially cold, so they wanted the whole audience to know. But before our boobies made their own show, we had a crowd lined up all the way to the market square. Just to help you visualize how many people that is, imagine maybe half of the length of your school. Okay, I might be exaggerating a little, but I can't really think of a good comparison...regardless, it was a lot of people.
And Kelts and the rest of the Rockettes: I have failed you. I messed up the kickline. My mom recorded it, and I was planning on putting it up on here, but since I messed up, it's ruined. I'm so embarassed...it was the last time we were performing it this year, too! How could I?!


Well, at least we landed front page of the Star Sentinel.

Friday, December 04, 2009

i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice.



We're all good at something. No matter how much of a failure you think you are, you're definitely good at something. And just think that someone out there isn't good at that something you're good at. It's our jobs to use that thing that we're good at to change the world. Make differences in people's lives.

I know I've got my dancing bit, but there's some other things that I'm good at. Like laughing, painting, singing off key, and wearing cute and fashionable clothes. But one thing I know I'm really good at is making people feel better. If you ever have a bad day, just come to me and I'll work my magic. I am that person that will go out of my way to make sure you're feeling alright. Most of the time, I end up making that person feel better about themselves and make them accept themselves a little more. Baby steps. But sometimes I wonder if that's all I'm good for. Making others feel good about themselves. I really like to make people realize that they're worth something, especially worth more than they think. I build up their self confidence and make sure that they're always on their toes and wearing their best possible smile. Sometimes I wonder when someone will come around to do the same for me. All my hardwork seems like a failure when those people turn selfish and vain rather than modest and confident. It seems as if I had done nothing but turned them into some worse version of themselves. Which I did not intend to do.

Tonight we're dancing at Dicken's of a Christmas, a festival-ish thing downtown. People are selling things. Music will be playing. A gorgeous christmas tree lighting. Hot chocolate and smell of cinnamon and gingerbread. It's all the things you think of when you hear "Christmas" in one place every weekend. We're dancing in it tonight, and this is my first year being in it! People from all around the valley come to Dicken's, so we're going to have a large crowd. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm going to be in the kickline red spandex bodysuit in 40 degrees weather. You do the math.


Thursday, December 03, 2009

so you can understand.



I don't like saying that I'm still in love with him. Because I'm not. But the pain of the lies and times we shared is definitely still there.

Let me put it in a way (I hope) you will understand:

It's like a blister. I get them on my feet all the time (just a small part of the glamorous life of a dancer). When I get these blisters, I tape them, put bandaids on them, pour alcohol on them. I do everything I can in my power to make them heal up faster and be less painful. As time goes by and my procedures to speed up the healing process almost come to a stop, those blisters have pretty much healed up. They grow new skin over it, and all that's left is a scar.

One time, I got these really bad blisters. They bled through my tights and into my toe pads. It was so painful, but now matter how much pain I was in, I had to keep going through rehearsals and shows with a big smile on my face. I had to hide all that pain behind a smile and convince myself that I'll be okay.

And sometimes, when I thought everything was okay, it wasn't. When I danced on those blisters, the skin would rip and my toes would be left bleeding again. The open sores with the small puddle of blood staring right back at me. The raw skin just begging to be healed. But all it can do for a while is sit there and stare right back at you as you wince at the pain of the skin being ripped off again.


I had created this new layer of my heart ready for something new. But it was nothing but one big ugly scar. To have that skin just rip off like a blister, was just as painful. And as I winced at the pain and my little heart strings twitched, all I had to do was smile. It's the hardest thing I'm going to have to do for the next forever.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

hey, i've got something to say.

"too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring all of which have the potential to turn a life around."--leo buscaglia



Everything that I do has a purpose. And sometimes I'm more discrete about it, but other times it's like I'm wearing a blinking billboard on my head saying exactly why I'm doing the things I do. But I always say what I mean, and I always mean what I say. Always. But the way I look at it is if you want to say something important, say it! Your one of 6 billion people in this world, and your little voice can change the lives of one of those 6 billion people. It might not seem much at the moment, but the little things you say and do can be very rewarding in the end. It's called karma, baby. The thing is, just say what you need to say, but say it with meaning and all that your worth. Because the words you say are only as strong as the person saying them. And they only mean as much as the person saying them means them. Don't hold back. Tell your friends that they're the greatest friends anyone could ever have. Tell your parents that you love them. Say "hi" to the new kid or the kid that doesn't have many friends. Tell that one person how you really feel at the moment. I know that's what I'm going to do the next time I see him. Because I know that if I don't take the chance now, I'll never get that chance back.
I know that it's hard to deal with people that take your words and feelings for granted. But remember there is at least one person out of 6 billion that will listen and care to what you have to say. Chances are, you've got more than 1000 under your belt. This world is huge, and we're all small. But we can make so many differences, and change each other's lives. So much.


I thought that telling me that you didn't want to hurt me would be like doing me a favor and would actually let me know that you care about me enough not to. But it actually does hurt. I'm not sure which hurts more. Telling me that you're not going to hurt me, or actually hurting me in the end. But by telling me that you don't want to hurt me is like telling me "I don't want to have feelings for you." or "I'm too afraid that I'll actually like you." It's rejection at its ugliest. Who knew that words with a coating of good intention could feel so wrong and hurtful. But I know in the end I'm going to thank you for it, and it looks like we're going to be nothing but friends. Which I'd definitely trade in instead of friends became lovers became enemies. Any day.

Be prepared for the truth. Because that's all I'm going to give you. And the result? I'm not so sure. But that's the whole thrill of it...

Monday, November 30, 2009

cross my heart. hope to fly.

"you have to promise to keep it just between us..."


I am so sick + tired of being used. And I'm so sick + tired of realizing that I'm letting it happen. It's bad enough that I'm the one that invokes it all, but I continue to let it happen. And I end up just getting angry at myself for something that I let happen. That just doesn't sound fair to me. Sadly, I think the only reason why I do this is to feel like I have a purpose. That I'm actually doing something for them. Kind of like a favor. But I'm so finished with letting this happen to me, and I'm going to end it right here. Right now.


I am also tired of having to find out that people are never who they make themselves to be. Life would be so much easier if the mean, deceitful people looked mean and deceitful, and the kind, beautiful people looked kind and beautiful like they're supposed to. It would make things immensely easier. Unfortunately, that's not the way things are, and we're all just going to have to learn the hard way. It's just never enough to look nice or seem charming. And most of the time, once you start to get to know a person more, you start to realize that they're not the person you thought. Whether it's a friend or a lover. The way you look at that person is going to change. Whether it's for the better or for the worse. And I think that's why people tend to walk away from each other. They either realize that that person isn't what they were before, or they're afraid that if they stick around longer they won't be able to move on, that they'll be too attached to this amazing person that they want to be with more than anything else because they're never seen anything like it. Never loved anything like it.


I've learned that if things are meant to be kept a secret, it's not worth it. I'd like to live in a life of truth, and I can never stand hiding anything behind anyone's back. And whether things end with a shake of hand or kiss on the lips, it should be done with nothing but good intentions. And I've dealt with lies + secrets for so long, that I've realized that they're no fun at all when you're the one keeping your own secret.

It would be wrong for me to say that all boys have nothing but bad intentions. But it seems like all the boys I attract do. And it just doesn't feel right. On the brightside, I'll know when the right boy comes along because I'll be able to tell the difference.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving break. Because I did.
xobria

Friday, November 27, 2009

EDIT.


I am a recent convert.
I don't love Edward anymore.
I am now Team Jacob. And it's not because of Taylor Lautner. I promise.
It's because I realized that I need a big, tan, warm, muscular boy who will keep my little, tan, sort of muscular, always cold body warm.

And although physically you look like a Jacob. You seem to cause me the same pain Edward does to Bella. And I'm going to be stronger than Bella. I'm going to be strong enough to walk away from something that walked away from me.

that one person.

"as much as i struggled not to think of him, i did not struggle to forget. i worried - late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses - that it was all slipping away. that my mind was a sieve, and i would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his [warm] skin, or the texture of his voice. i could not think of them, but i must always remember them."--from new moon, p. 116

We all have one.
It's gotten to the point where it hurt to be away from him, but it hurt to be with him. I still haven't figured out which one is more painful. But either way, I was being hurt. And I'm still not sure if that feeling of "love" is worth all the pain.
I always say that I don't mind remembering. Because I really don't. It's always nice to remember. That's why we do it, right? To remember everything in the end. But what's not nice is to remember when you don't want to.

I watched "New Moon" tonight. After seeing "Twilight", I definitely did not want to see "New Moon". I was just so upset about how much they messed up the plot line and missed important parts (but that's just me being picky + a book nerd). But I gave in when I saw the trailer which actually made the movie look good. However, I was still disappointed. It still wasn't up to par with what I felt and what I saw while reading the book. But what I hated the most about the movie was that it reminded me of you. I can't wait to see the day that I can go through without thinking about you for a single second. Because I've done all my remembering, and I've done all my reminiscing. It was the tan + big muscles of Taylor Lautner that really reminded me of you. His cockiness (yet sweetness that only I could see) is exactly like you, and I couldn't help but see you. I thought about telling you after the movie ended, but I think that would just make things worse. You'd pull me in again, and the cycle would start all over. Which is something I definitely don't want.

I'm not afraid for the future and what it holds because that day will come. And when it does, I will be set free.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

thank you.


I spent most of my Thanksgiving day asleep. I am so sleep deprived. I knew that I would be spending my break sleeping the days away...

But I just want to say that even though today is Thanksgiving day, we should be thankful everyday. I know that I am thankful everyday for this life that I lead, and I am especially thankful for today. I mean, it's not everyday that I get to spend all day sleeping, with family, and eating delicious food!


I am so thankful for:
1. this huge + beautiful universe that gives us nothing but great things. it's just up to us to recognize those amazing things and do with them what we want. whether it's right or wrong.

2. my family. family is everything. end of story.

3. my best friends: dylan, courtney, and sarah. they're always there when i want them to be and when i least expect it. they're practically my sisters. love you.

4. all my friends. i don't have many to truly call friends, but each and every one of you is so special to me.

5. clothes to wear, food to eat, and a place to call home. some aren't so lucky.

6. dancing. everyone has a place where they belong. this is mine.

7. my puppy, bluey. best one to cuddle with, and the only one who doesn't complain when i kiss him too much.

8. music. don't know what life would be like without it. and i love making music, and i'm so thankful for having some talent to!

9. books. i love reading!

10. hot tea. best way to end every day.

11. cameras. they make taking pictures + making memories possible!

12. mornings. the sun rising reminds me that everyday is a new day to make new discoveries, mistakes, and more memories.

13. nights. the sun setting reminds me that each day has its end, and that we get to start all over when the sun rises the next morning.

14. movies. i'm a movie junkie.


15. the internet. it has its cons, but i think it's done more great things than bad things for us.


16. people who complete my heart. that's pretty much everyone i know and love.

17. people who break my heart. thanks for making realize that i'm worth a lot more than i give myself credit for, and you don't know what you're missing.

18. keltie colleen. the best role model that has ever existed. she's given me continuous inspiration, and i'm so glad to know her. a beautiful person and an even more beautiful dancer.
19. words. i just realized that life would be so strange if we never had anything to say.

20. planes, boats, trains, and cars. how else would we be here, there, and everywhere?!

21. hugs + kisses. who doesn't love showing some love?

22. colors. i don't think i'd like living in a world of black + white.

23. seahorses + jellyfish. they're my favorite animals!

24. phones. to text + call. it's always nice to keep in touch.

25. laughter. never can have enough of it.

26. fire. in a warm + touching way. not the distructive kind, duh.

27. flowers, trees, and everything in between. they decorate this planet and make it so beautiful and breathable!

28. stars, planets, and the undiscovered. they remind me that we're all so small.

29. knitting + crocheting. i'm an old lady when it comes to killing time.

30. you. I still haven't gotten used to people telling me that I inspire them. But I'm glad that my life goal is coming true so soon. I just want to thank all of you for the continuous support and love that you always give me. You all are more than amazing, and you all are always with me in whatever I do. I can never express how much it means to me. I could never ask for anymore from you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Times an infinity times more.



xobria