Monday, August 31, 2009

I hate looking you in the eyes and telling you, "I can't."

Here's a story:
When I was 9 months old, I got this serious and rare bacterial infection in my trachea. I couldn't breathe, so I had to get a tracheotomy to get some oxygen into me. I had to stay at the hospital while the doctors tried to figure out a cure for me. Everyday, the nurses would have to come into my room and swab my throat to do some more tests. I had many visitors who stayed with me, sang to me, and prayed for me. All I would do, could do, was cry. The infection got so bad that my trachea shrunk down from the size of a pen to the size of a strand of spaghetti. If the doctors didn't find a cure for me, I could die. The thought of me dying was in the back of everyone's mind, but no one gave up. Especially my mother. She cried every night in that hospital room until she fell asleep. One day, the doctors told my mom that I could receive laser surgery to remove the bacteria. However, there was a risk of hitting my vocal chords. My mom took the chance and decided to proceed with the surgery. And as we can all tell, the surgery went well, and I'm alive. Very alive.

I don't remember anything about being in that hospital or not being able to breathe or crying every time the nurse walked into the room to swab my throat. I always ask someone to tell me this story, and it makes me cry every time. It's scary and amazing to know that I was so close to dying. Without even a chance to grow up. And my mom. She must've been dying as much as I was. And I realized today that I am a very bad person. I hate myself for hating my mom. I blame it on the fact that my brain isn't fully developed as an adult yet and that I keep pushing people away. Even my family...I'm glad that I can finally admit that I am vulnerable and that I can't help but cry when I think about my mom going away.
I know that I have recently said that I envy all of you who have a strong relationship with your mothers, but I can't envy you when I haven't even made an effort to make one with my mom. It's just not fair. To her. Or to my family.

I find myself telling myself that I'm better off alone, but in reality I need people in my life more than anything. So, why do I feel like I'd be better off alone? Making my life with no one there to congratulate me. Why do I feel like I'm pushing everyone away, yet I'm blaming everything on them? It just doesn't seem fair. I need to seek this answer myself...

This is no Romeo + Juliet deal. It's not that my parents don't want us to be together; it's just that every time we try something, something else happens to prevent it. It's like it's not meant to be. I don't know if the universe is trying to tell me something or what, but maybe I should really move on. Maybe it's a sign that I'm just not meant to pursue you anymore.
You are too perfect.
And I'm flawed in every way.

"I stood for your beauty, but I fell for your heart."

Sunday, August 30, 2009

melted hearts.

Who knew a melted heart would feel so good?
Spending so much time with you this weekend is pushing me in and out of my comfort zone, and I love it.
I've never felt more alive and spontaneous with any other person. Things are going to change from here, and I know that we both have a different idea of what's going to happen. But I'm ready to jump. Let's go!

Friday night I went to the first football game of the season for my school, and everyone was so pumped for the game! It was such a good game, and we won 44-14!! I really hope that we keep that up all season long. Then I went out with some friends to get some ice cream. I was the only girl, so I had to sit through all this "boy talk" while I stared into your beautiful eyes. I thought that the person I was trying to be was completely different than the person than I actually am. I realized that I am sexy, and I'm not afraid to say that. Girls, you should feel like you're so hot wherever you go. I don't mean that in a self-centered and selfish way. It's another way to say you need to be confident in your mind, body, and soul.
Saturday was an amazing rehearsal. However, everyone is starting to feel the tension of the next three shows coming up. The museum show is in less than a month, and then a week after that is Ties! And of course Nutcracker makes everyone nervous. As a company, we took a lot to do, but we can handle it! There's nothing more than some good pressure to do your best! The partnering dance with John is nearly finished, and my dress finally fits me! Thanks, costume ladies!!
To relax for the night, I went out with some friends to see "Inglorious Basterds". I'm no movie critic, but it was a bad-ass movie. I know I'm a bit of a tom-boy, but that was seriously a good movie. The whole thing was pretty crazy, and it was like I was reading a comic book. Comedy. Action. Rad.

I might have told you all this already, but I'm going to say it again...
I found out that my Homecoming dance is the same day as our show "Ties"! When I found out, I freaked because I already bought my dress and everything. Then I remembered that the show is pretty short; there isn't even intermission. I'm planning on bringing my dress + shoes to the theatre, and when the 2nd show is over, rush to get ready then go off to Homecoming to dance it up for another few hours. I'm a busy girl, and I can't wait to feel the rush of dancing non-stop. And we have our hair in super rad hairstyles for the show, so I'm going to keep my hair the same. On the downside, I'm really bummed that I have to miss the Homecoming game. We've lost the past 3 Homecoming games, and I want to be there when we finally win this year's! And right now, I'm not really caring if I have a date anymore. It would be nice to have my date come to watch my show, then drive me off to the dance after, but I don't want to ask too much of him. Plus, it would be so much more fun to walk onto that dance floor, jump into a group, and just start dancing. I'll find that boy to dance with me someday. Someday.

You melt my heart (andmakemewetmypants,lol),

PS. Has anyone ever noticed how sexy techno music is? It makes me wanna rave like crazy, and all the beats are just so sexy!!

PPS. I don't wear pants when I play guitar.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

hypothetical love.

sleeping through the signs, your kisses are blind. beware.

In Spanish class, we're learning about a literature genre called "realismo mágico". It's described where reality is mixed with elements of fantasy and dreams. There is a Spanish author named Jorge Luis Borges who says that "what we dream is reality". And as I'm quickly approaching where reality + the dreams finally meet, I'm not happy. I've dreamt of something so fine and grand like you saying you want my lips against yours or that you don't want to hurt me. But now I'm getting scared. That you'll change your mind or something will come up that will just change things forever. And I don't want that. I just want us. Since the beginning. I'm really leaping off the cliff here with my heart in hand. Am I giving in or is this what's meant to be? My heart is racing towards that place where it's past dreams and reality, and that place beyond dreams and reality is called love. It's beyond dreams and reality because it's more than anything you can EVER dream of, and it's all to wonderful that it just can't be real (but it really is!).

But to you it's all hypothetical. This makes no sense to me. It's like traveling this road backwards where you get "doubt" and "denial". Don't travel backwards. Onwards.

Love is so beyond,

PS. I didn't think I was bad at family relationships either...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"i feel like i haven't seen you in forever."

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he has figured out how to use his heart. He sent me this in a text about 10 minutes after we just talked for a while. It made me smile and made me feel like I was going down the big drop of some scary roller coaster. And I'm thinking to myself: "Maybe I'm the one that's not showing how I feel. Maybe I forgot how to use my heart well enough for him to figure it out..."
And how do I play the right cards? He keeps telling me about these theoretical cards that I should play right. I'm not following, but I have a feeling I have my own cards that aren't in the normal deck. That way I'll be able to read his hand all over his face. No pokerfaces for me, ha!

I hope you all are having a more relaxing week than I am. I'm just all over the place, but I'm really starting to get a hang of some homework which is always a good thing. Don't want to fall behind on these sorts of things. Also, I forgot to tell you that my English teacher has a Twitter for our AP English class. She wanted to try it out, and see if it was a little more helpful on keeping updated for the class. I thought it was pretty interesting because no one knew what Twitter was except me, ahh! I'm such a Twitter addict (as of Dec. 2008)!
I'm still getting so many comments about my Keltie Collen mantra cuff! I'm telling all the people who love it to get one. They won't regret it, and if they love mine, they'll love their own just as much, if not more, as I love mine. I can't wait to see her on the VMA's with Ms. Swift. Don't forget to Tweet her or message/e-mail her some sort of congrats because she is so excited, and we all know we're more excited than her. ;)

Friday night is the first football game of the season. I'm really excited, and since my 'rents will be out of town, I'm spending the night at some close family friends' house. This will be on interesting weekend!


PS. I'm taking a photography class this year, and I'm learning a lot already in this first week. And I found this picture of mine very interesting because of the diagonal lines (apparently they're very intriguing in a photo). What do you guys think? I'll definitely keep you guys posted on all my photo-taking!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

my guarantee.

i guarantee that the eyes are blind to what the heart can see.

I came up with this little thing after talking to him. I looked up at him (because he's so tall!), and I only saw perfection. But I realized that I wasn't looking at him with my eyes but with my heart. Then after that, I realized that I tend to look with my heart rather than my eyes. Is that so wrong? I tend to look at people for what I want them to be, and that's not being realistic is it? I guess that goes hand-in-hand with the fact that I love to dream all the time...but I still want to know if he was looking down at me with his eyes or with his heart? It would be awful for me to say that he doesn't have a heart, but it's plain to say that he doesn't know how to use it. I've tried to guide him in the right direction and even waited around for it to start ticking away telling him what he's really feeling.
But I won't lie. I felt pretty good about myself when I was the one walking next to him on the way to his car. I felt amazing when he said that he wanted to walk back with me. I felt that "uh-oh" feeling when he said that he wants to hang out at the football game on Friday. Then when you just walked away with a simple "goodbye" and not even a wave of a hand or even a smile, I knew that maybe it was all too good to be true. I was hoping for something a little more special. Just a little something that made me think about why he had asked me to stay after school to talk. But instead I just got some denial. I was in so much denial about being completely over him...well that's self-explanitory. And while I stood there waiting for my ride to get me, I thought about what it all meant:

"I guarantee that the eyes are blind to what the heart can see."

Now was this boy seeing the same thing that I do when I look in the mirror? Or is he seeing what he chooses to or not to see?

I'm slowly starting to get in the hang of things here at school. Getting in the hang of homework and the feeling of stress. I just know that it's going to get 23o8493 times worse once classes start picking up, rehearsals start getting more intense, and theatre week! But it's going to be one hell of a season, and I just can't wait! But I must say, this week is going by hella slow.

Hurray for hot tea and pilates to make it all better! xoxo

"It is very simple: one sees well only with the heart. The essential is invisible to the eyes."--The Little Prince

Monday, August 24, 2009


I can't believe it either, people!! It is the first day of school!!
I woke up a wee bit late (because of my insomnia problem last night), and I was just trying to get ready as soon as possible like every other student that started today. The outfit I picked out turned out as a hit at school. I wore a cute bright turquoise tube top that had Aztec-like designs on the bottom hem w/ a black knit cover up (can't wait tubies to school!), dark wash bermuda shorts, and my Pocahontas shoes (aka mocassin/gladiator sandals). I kinda just threw it together, but I did say I was going for effortless, ha!
So, I got my outfit on, and the last things I put on were my Keltie Colleen mantra cuff + Buddha beads my dad got me from China a couple years ago. I can never leave the house without either, and I knew that I was going to need all the courage, passion, hardwork, and prayer that I needed to get through this hectic day. What really made me excited was that I got just as many compliments about my cuff + beads as my outfit did! I told every person who told me that they liked the cuff to go to Keltie's website to get one. I'm like the un-official spokesperson for Keltie's website, ha! Best job ever probably. <3

Getting schedules and laptops still seemed strange to me. I walked into the school with the last bits of summer on my heels, but I guess it rubbed off as soon as the school day started. I saw my Specialist Nathan today for the first time since he went to boot camp. I missed him so much, and he wasn't kidding when he said all his hair was gone, welp. Also, it felt very strange not to see my best friends walking around the school anymore. They're off to college having the times of their lives while I'm stuck here for another 2 years of high school, blech! ButI feel like this year is just going to fly by!

Remember I was freaking out about my ex's mom being my photography teacher? Well, she was very sweet, and I really wish I hadn't reacted that way. She was always nice; I was probably thinking of my ex...
Chemistry isn't anyone's favourite subject, but we have to take it. We had to write about 50 elements of the periodic table on notecards for a quiz next Friday. I ended up messing around with the symbols and tried to spell "fearless". It consists of Francium (Fr), Lithium (Li; I covered up the "i" so it would make more sense), Einsteinium (Es), and Sulfur (S). I maybe having a little too much fun with the elements right now, but I know I'll be ready for that quiz next Friday!
I'm sorry to all you History lovers out there, but I hate History. We have to read a chapter in the book tonight (which is 20 pages, but it will seem like 23o9847239 pages to me) and answer a few questions for a grade. I'm sorry to say that I don't have the attention span to read about a subject that I don't like...this year will be a great challenge in my History class.
Then the rest of the day, I kinda zoned out. I was just so overwhelmed by the upperclassman-ness, the college classes, and not having my best friends around the school anymore.

One more thing:
You know when you want to hug someone, yet they didn't realize it. They then keep walking as you try to continue to hug them, and it ends up as some awkward side hug. Yeah, sorry about that...but you're quite text beckoning me to come meet you after school was sweet. I'm kind of glad that I didn't get it until later because it proved to me that you really just want to talk and catch up. I'm not even going to bother asking why you didn't show up last week or why you haven't been answering my texts. I'm just gonna enjoy talking to you and staring into your wonderful eyes...


PS. I got lucky with today's outfit. How's tomorrow's gonna go? Eep!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

if keltie can...

...then I can too.
Dancers these days are having to be able to sing. Singers these days are having to be able to dance. We're all one big family in this place called show business. Nevertheless, I still love to sing to my guitar and play good music.
I've never taken guitar or voice lessons if you're wondering. I kinda like the way my voice sounds. I'd like to describe it as "smoky".

This is probably my favourite song to play on the guitar + one of the very first songs I learned to play about 4 years ago. I've done nothing more than perfect it, ha! If I play it once, I have to play it 109384 more times. Let me know what you think...

Tomorrow sure is my first day of school!! I'm ready, but not ready, for another year of high school, blech. I remember last year, I wanted to make a statement for the new year, so the night before the first day of school I took some scissors and cut my bangs into a blunt cut. I liked it for a while, but since my hair grows at the speed of light, they started getting too long, ha! But I'm trying to think of what I can do tonight that will make me feel like I'm gonna make a statement tomorrow...I'm thinking a super hot outfit, yeah? But I want people to look at me and say, "Wow, look at Bria! She's smokin'!" (lol), but also the outfit has to appear effortless (just like what us dancers do onstage; we just make it appear easy, ha!). Come on you fashionable followers (that has a nice ring to it...)!! Help?


PS. My daddy is on a whirlwind adventure around the world! Ha, not really. He's going on a 3 week business trip to Tokyo then to the Philippines then to Brazil. I will miss my Pop so much! But he's going to see the world! He and the rest of us wish that he could take us with him!

no excuses.

I'm gonna skip all the crap and cut to what I really wanna say:

I love my life.

In the past week (which you all have missed with me...), so much has happened around here. And nothing quite good. I don't want to go into too much dets because I don't really want my personal life on here. But it took a lot out of me. I've been yelled at and stood up this week. When he didn't show up like he said he would, I knew that it was just not going to work out anymore. I waited for as long as I could, but I'm tired of waiting. I can't wait around for the rest of my life because I'll miss out on everything just waiting for you. I realized that he was making up excuses because he knows that no matter what he says I'll still love him. I'm done.
And I just feel so torn apart and used right now. And that's the thing: I realized that I am so weak. Pull one little string, and it rips so many seams and I just fall apart before your eyes. That's why I'm going to need a little more than a few strings of tears and dark words to make me "happy". I realized that I don't need the bells and whistles to make my life complete. I don't need some boy attached to me 24/7 to make me feel loved.

And through it all, I was just looking forward to going to company rehearsal on Saturday. Not only was I crying on the way there, of both hurt from the yelling and happiness to finally be going there, but all my dance sisters + Pedro saw. They all asked what was wrong, and I only told a few. But as soon as I stepped in there, the atmosphere seemed foreign to me because I haven't felt that much warmth and love all week, so it just felt so good to be in there. The costume ladies were doing their magic, and the photographers from the newspaper were doing their job. We took pictures for our local newspapers, and I had my makeup streaming down my face. It's hard to mask something so strong to make you cry in public like that, but I got a control of myself and was just ready for rehearsal. And as soon as the pianist started playing, and I started doing those essential pliés, I just felt so at home (no matter what happened at my real house). And I think that that was the best class I've ever done on the fact that it just felt so perfect. I had triple pirouettes, nice fouettes, and just this feeling inside of me that made me feel like I was worth more than I thought. And it's when tears are streaming down your face that you just do an arabesque to make you fly to dry them away (if you didn't know that the arabesque was invented to make a dancer look like they were flying). This weekend's rehearsal really made me believe that all I needed was to dance.

It was crazy because I walked into the studio, crying, and I started crying even more to find Nutcracker casting finally up. Not only am I Dewdrop (the flower soloist), but I'm also Marzipan/Mirletons/whatever-your-studio-calls-them!! And I'm doing fouettes in both, but Dewdrop's are en dehor fouettes and Marzipan's are en dedant fouettes!! Eep! Despite this slight challenge, I was just so happy and proud of myself. I never imagined myself landing one solo part, if not two! Things are getting just crazily amazing around here and for the company.

So, I'm writing this blog to all of you that might feel like there's no hope or there's nothing worth living for anymore. I'm writing to all of you that might feel like fearless isn't in your dictionary or you don't even know how to get yourself off the ground anymore. I want all of you to know that there's always hope, you just have to find it. There's always that one thing that will make your life the best thing on this planet. And just know that I've been there, and you can too find that you can feel like a million dollars even at your worst.


PS. I love my pup. He cuddled with me and licked my tears away just like every dog should do.
PPS. Please support my ballet company and add us on Facebook!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

R over E

"There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations."

I am currently reading "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult. I seriously love the way she writes, and I came across this little bit while we were just out on a road trip. It made me close the book and stare out the window for an hour or two. (if only it was that simple...)

We got home from Maryland at about 3am. We went the long way through Chesapeake Bay, but it was totally worth it. We arrived just in time to see the sunset over the bay, and it was absolutely breathtaking. It was weird to think that on one side of the bridge was the Chesapeake Bay, and on the other side was the Atlantic Ocean. It just made me feel so small in comparison to this amazing world. And I realized how much I love being on the open road. You never know where you're going to end up: an endless road of cornfields or trekking up a mountain. This world is so unpredictable.

And so are dreams. I think that road trips make my mind a little crazy. Boy crazy. I've had dreams of different boys for the past few nights, and I just don't think that I'm that boy crazy!!! Am I?!?!

About to hop into the shower, and then who knows what? I think Dylan and I are planning to get a move on and hang out as much as possible before she leaves for college. Yeah yeah.


PS. Wanna grab a cup of coffee with me?
PPS. I got a Dailybooth. I can never have too many websites...ha

Sunday, August 16, 2009

kiss my assateague!!

I just got home, and it's almost 5am! It was such a long day....But today we went to Assateague Island, and it was probably the best vacation I've had all summer. I had to miss company rehearsal (which I hate missing rehearsal), but I wouldn't skip out hanging with the fam and splashing in the ocean.

We took a 3-4 hour car trip to get there, but the fact that I was with my sister and my best cousin didn't make it boring at all. We had a lot of fun singing some Hannah Montana and Taylor Swift; just being girls pretty much. We stopped by Walmart and picked up some baby food for my baby cousin, and we even picked up some for ourselves!! It's so delicious! Who knew? We didn't get the icky mashed up stuff; we got actual chewable stuff, ha! And I know that it's really good for you because they don't feed babies icky processed stuff! Try it sometime! Gerber gets my happy tastebud approval!

I took some rad pictures on the beach, and hopefully I can get a few of them up here because they're just so rad! While I was taking them, I realized that doing saut de chats + pas de chats are so difficult on the beach!! But the pictures still turned out super!
The beach itself was absolutely wonderful! Except we didn't see any ponies this time, welp! But the water was actually really warm, and the sand was so fine it felt so amazing between my toes. I saw a bunch of jellyfish in the water, and that kind of freaked me out. But I managed to miss out on a few stings, however my sister wasn't so lucky, ick!

I have some bad news though...I know that I said that I sent out a pair of shoes a few days ago, but it turns out that my friend that I gave it to because she can drive didn't have a credit card which you need to purchase postage and such. So I'm going to wait until I can drive and get a credit card which won't be until...January.
I'm really sorry to say this, but I have no choice. My mom says that I made this whole amazing wonderful plan, so I have to find a way to do everything myself. I really should've figured out all the kinks before announcing it, but I was just so excited! I'm just really bummed because I have all the pairs ready, and they're just sitting here in my room with all of your names written on them just begging to be shipped off to all of you!! I am soooooo sorry, but this doesn't mean that they're NOT going out. They will in a few months, but I'm really sorry that I have to make you all wait!! But I'm thinking it will be a belated Christmas + New Year's gift?

I'm so sorry....

PS. A great friend/Ballet Mistress to the company told me about this video, and I am just so amazed!! Enjoy!!

PPS. It still seems like I can't get away from you no matter where I go...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

"you're beautiful dancer thats got a great head on her shoulders."

It's amazing what a friend that I've only known for just over a month can make me feel.
My friend Christian told me that I have a good head on my shoulders. We've only had a couple of heart-to-hearts and just a few nights to really talk. But I do know that he's a great dancer with a lot passion. I haven't seen that kind of passion in a long time. And just to let you know, he's an amazing singer. He's made for Broadway, and I can't wait to see him up there in New York working his butt off because he totally deserves it.
But that's not all. He knows me, and he knows what I feel like when I feel alone. I miss him so much, and I miss his tight hugs and that night when he held my hands like that up on that balcony made me feel like we were flying. Boy, do I miss him...
When you can meet a boy, or friend, like that, you don't need all the fancy things or money to have a great night and build a friendship that will last.
I sure do miss him...


PS. I love Les Sylphides!! So beautiful and breathtaking. We learned a variation from it all this week, but it's not this one. You'll see when I post the vid in a few days!! Enjoy!

Monday, August 10, 2009

I miss this girl.

This girl is my role model.
She is so amazing, and I can never have too many blog posts about her.

This is Jordan-Elizabeth Long.
And this is a picture from Nutcracker way back when in 2007! She was the usual and glorious Sugar Plum Fairy while I was Chinese Tea. (:

And now she has her own website?!?!? What WHAT?!? Totally rad! Check it out!!

stretching, massaging, and icing all night long.

Today was the first day of intensive number 3 for me this summer. And the first day is always brutal. The teachers always say that they're gonna go easy on you, but, in reality, what is easy?

I get to have one of the teachers from Richmond come down to teach the ballet and pointe/variation classes for us. Ms. Grace was one of the teachers I had, so I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing because 1. she
already knows my name but 2. she's going to pick on me more, ha! Which is definitely a good thing, so, yes, it's a good thing! I'm looking forward to the rest of the week with her.
We also got a new modern teacher at our studio. She has a very strong background in dancing, and she is very nice and sweet. Her name is Katherine, and I loved her class today. We didn't have that much time because we took the first few minutes to get to know each other. Nonetheless, it was a fantastic class, and I'm looking forward to the choreography she will come up with for the end of the year show!

Sadly, my pointe shoes were extremely dead today, so my feet are totally sore. But good thing I have this new bike tire and a good tennis ball to do some good massaging and stretching. I definitely don't want to be sore for the entire week, although I am still sore from this weekend. Pedro really worked me because I was lifting boys and being thrown around and upside down! But it was all in good fun, and I
would not want any other job. ;)
So, the dead pair of shoes that I killed today will be sent out sometime this week to Imy! I hope you don't mind some freshly dead shoes, ha! And I will be sewing a new pair tonight as well as tending to my aching body.

I hope you all have a better resting night...

PS. I found one of the fantastic pictures from the awesome photoshoot I did about 2 months ago in a newspaper clipping someone found! It was in the city newspaper when I was in Richmond! Of course I would miss the rad picture! This was taken at the museum of transportation on an old train that used to run on the old railroad tracks around the city. I wish I could've gotten a better picture of it. Alas, I could not...(I'm the one in the middle!!!)
PPS. Standing en pointe 5 feet off the ground on the front of the train is the one of the scariest and most amazing things I've ever done in my life!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

just leave.

When I saw this, I thought of you.
I thought how this cellphone screen looked just like yours. I thought of all the checkmarks next to all the text messages we always sent. I thought of how you never showed your feelings. I thought of all those times I canceled all those romantic and sweet dates because you didn't like "cute" stuff. I thought of that day I was going to play you that song on my guitar that really told you how I felt, but then I remembered you'd find it awkward...
Then I wondered, "When am I going to stop thinking of you all the time? When will I be able to look at something and not think of you?" I don't know if that day will come, but I have a feeling that it will come when you leave. So just leave. I don't care if this is or isn't you. Just let this school year fly by and leave for college.
I'll be happy.
&don't ask me if I miss you.

Friday, August 07, 2009

no studio. no problem.

"all of my life, i have waited for you."

I really need my own studio, but when you don't have the money to get a private studio, you use your room. Don't make fun of my sports border. It was a boy's room before I moved here, and it still looks like a boys room (besides the pointe shoes all over the room, ha!).

My concept for this dance was to actually have someone knock on the door at the beginning, and I was debating whether I should let them in or not. And at the very end, I finally let them in (after I have this battle with myself). As you can see in the dance, I kick myself in the head and knock myself down to the ground, but I still get back up and am ready to keep going. While all of this is happening, I'm still making that person at the door wait for me to let them in...
He's being so kind and telling me that little things remind him of me, and I still feel like I'm just not ready to let him back in. I'm just not ready for that hurt of him walking out again, but honestly, in the end, I know that I am just going to fall for it all again and let him in.

I've been invited to take some master classes with Brad Taylor and Jessica King from last season of SYTYCD!! I'm so excited, and I hope I'm able to go because I know it would be super fun. I'm also extremely happy to know that Jeanine won last night! And I am super jealous that one of my really good friends is going to meet her! Not fair. Hopefully, she'll get an autograph for me.

Tomorrow I have company rehearsal! I'm so excited, and then next week will be the Sr. Intensive over at my studio which should be absolutely amazing! We will be rehearsing for a lot of new things coming up, so that will be great.
And I'm shipping out the pointe shoes for sure tomorrow!! Can't wait!!


Wednesday, August 05, 2009

SYTYCD was insane tonight!! I love all those dancers, and quite frankly, I'm still not sure who's going to win. But right now, I am sure as fire that Jeanine is going to win. And if it were really possible, I would have Brandon win right next to her. They've been the best dancers on the show since their audition, and I'm so glad to see them in the final four.

I teared up a little tonight because the pressure was so high, and because I can both see myself and not see myself on that stage. And I think that's why I love Jeanine and Brandon so much. They've both been in that spot where they said, "I'm not good enough." But look at them now! They have the passion and the heart that got them to where they are now. This may sound really strange, but I see a little of myself in both of them. They're both so ready for the world and every challenge that it will throw at them. It's going to be a crazy night at my house tomorrow night. Whoever is going to win, I know that I'm going to be screaming my head off...


PS. This photo is to thank everyone who has seen that fire and passion in me from the start. I don't know where I would be without you! Thank you so much, and I love you all!!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

"bria, that's your giddy laugh!!"

I love the Coconut Records.

They've pretty much been on repeat around here, but there's something about this song that almost sums up my summer (besides the fact that I'm not from Alabama).

Waiting for things to come back. Sitting here, baby, so off track. I don't know what to expect. I always take what I can get."

I'm waiting for you to come back home, so we can spend that time together that made me laugh so giddily when you said so. But I'm just so scared...
Are there things out there that you want so much, but at the same time, it scares the hell out of you? That's how I feel, but I'm not sure what I'm afraid of...Am I afraid to let him in? Am I afraid to fall back in love? Am I afraid of getting hurt? Am I just overreacting?
I don't want to take what I can get anymore. I want to get something that I deserve; not something with no strings attached. I know that I deserve more than your fake, smooth words and mysterious plans.
But I still just can't wait for you to get back home.

I am so off track, baby.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

back in (mo)town.

Today was the first day of company rehearsals for the 2009-2010 season!
There are a few new faces and many old, familiar ones. It was so good to see some good friends, and it was good to see and feel everyone's energy ready for a good day of rehearsal. Almost everyone went to a great summer intensive, and they all improved so much! The moment I stepped into the studio, I knew that this season was going to be amazing. We have so much planned and so many great dancers on board with us this season, I just know that it's going to be a fantastic one.

Rehearsal was a very busy and productive one. We started learning the infamous Pickle dance from Ties which we are performing this October. We are all hoping that our friend and the original dancer, Aaron Canfield, will come back and dance the ballet with us. Just listening to the music and dancing the parts today brought back some really great memories. I seriously can't believe we're doing it again. I really hope that I can get the same hair-do that I did last year...

What really caught me by surprise was when we started Snow! Hearing Nutcracker music at this time of the year really just gives me goosebumps! We've never began Nutcracker this early, but I really think that it's a smart move because Nutcracker takes a lot of time and rehearsal. And the earlier we start, the better. A few parts of casting call was revealed, but it's all a surprise when the actual list goes up. But what I can say is that I predicted most of the parts. ;)

Last, but not least, I started learning an amazing dance with my friend, John. He's Aaron's little bro, and really amazing for a 14 year old. We're doing this dance for the museum show in September, and we're doing this sexy, romantic (but comedic) dance to this brilliant James Brown song. Oh, I love this song, and I love the dance so far. We're learning the rest next week, and I really can't wait! It's very intriguing and very sultry. The audience is gonna go crazy for it!

And just to clear things up about the pointe shoes...I know that in the emails I said that I might get them out by this weekend, but by the looks of it, they won't be out by next week. I'm still working on them and the packages, so I'm definitely going to need more time. This also means that it'll be easier for me to send them all at once. I'm so excited to get the shoes out, and I really think that you guys are going to love the packages!


PS. dinner + a movie with daddy and my doggie is the best way to spend a Friday & Saturday night.