Monday, August 31, 2009

I hate looking you in the eyes and telling you, "I can't."

Here's a story:
When I was 9 months old, I got this serious and rare bacterial infection in my trachea. I couldn't breathe, so I had to get a tracheotomy to get some oxygen into me. I had to stay at the hospital while the doctors tried to figure out a cure for me. Everyday, the nurses would have to come into my room and swab my throat to do some more tests. I had many visitors who stayed with me, sang to me, and prayed for me. All I would do, could do, was cry. The infection got so bad that my trachea shrunk down from the size of a pen to the size of a strand of spaghetti. If the doctors didn't find a cure for me, I could die. The thought of me dying was in the back of everyone's mind, but no one gave up. Especially my mother. She cried every night in that hospital room until she fell asleep. One day, the doctors told my mom that I could receive laser surgery to remove the bacteria. However, there was a risk of hitting my vocal chords. My mom took the chance and decided to proceed with the surgery. And as we can all tell, the surgery went well, and I'm alive. Very alive.

I don't remember anything about being in that hospital or not being able to breathe or crying every time the nurse walked into the room to swab my throat. I always ask someone to tell me this story, and it makes me cry every time. It's scary and amazing to know that I was so close to dying. Without even a chance to grow up. And my mom. She must've been dying as much as I was. And I realized today that I am a very bad person. I hate myself for hating my mom. I blame it on the fact that my brain isn't fully developed as an adult yet and that I keep pushing people away. Even my family...I'm glad that I can finally admit that I am vulnerable and that I can't help but cry when I think about my mom going away.
I know that I have recently said that I envy all of you who have a strong relationship with your mothers, but I can't envy you when I haven't even made an effort to make one with my mom. It's just not fair. To her. Or to my family.

I find myself telling myself that I'm better off alone, but in reality I need people in my life more than anything. So, why do I feel like I'd be better off alone? Making my life with no one there to congratulate me. Why do I feel like I'm pushing everyone away, yet I'm blaming everything on them? It just doesn't seem fair. I need to seek this answer myself...

This is no Romeo + Juliet deal. It's not that my parents don't want us to be together; it's just that every time we try something, something else happens to prevent it. It's like it's not meant to be. I don't know if the universe is trying to tell me something or what, but maybe I should really move on. Maybe it's a sign that I'm just not meant to pursue you anymore.
You are too perfect.
And I'm flawed in every way.

"I stood for your beauty, but I fell for your heart."

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