Sunday, August 23, 2009

no excuses.

I'm gonna skip all the crap and cut to what I really wanna say:

I love my life.

In the past week (which you all have missed with me...), so much has happened around here. And nothing quite good. I don't want to go into too much dets because I don't really want my personal life on here. But it took a lot out of me. I've been yelled at and stood up this week. When he didn't show up like he said he would, I knew that it was just not going to work out anymore. I waited for as long as I could, but I'm tired of waiting. I can't wait around for the rest of my life because I'll miss out on everything just waiting for you. I realized that he was making up excuses because he knows that no matter what he says I'll still love him. I'm done.
And I just feel so torn apart and used right now. And that's the thing: I realized that I am so weak. Pull one little string, and it rips so many seams and I just fall apart before your eyes. That's why I'm going to need a little more than a few strings of tears and dark words to make me "happy". I realized that I don't need the bells and whistles to make my life complete. I don't need some boy attached to me 24/7 to make me feel loved.

And through it all, I was just looking forward to going to company rehearsal on Saturday. Not only was I crying on the way there, of both hurt from the yelling and happiness to finally be going there, but all my dance sisters + Pedro saw. They all asked what was wrong, and I only told a few. But as soon as I stepped in there, the atmosphere seemed foreign to me because I haven't felt that much warmth and love all week, so it just felt so good to be in there. The costume ladies were doing their magic, and the photographers from the newspaper were doing their job. We took pictures for our local newspapers, and I had my makeup streaming down my face. It's hard to mask something so strong to make you cry in public like that, but I got a control of myself and was just ready for rehearsal. And as soon as the pianist started playing, and I started doing those essential pliƩs, I just felt so at home (no matter what happened at my real house). And I think that that was the best class I've ever done on the fact that it just felt so perfect. I had triple pirouettes, nice fouettes, and just this feeling inside of me that made me feel like I was worth more than I thought. And it's when tears are streaming down your face that you just do an arabesque to make you fly to dry them away (if you didn't know that the arabesque was invented to make a dancer look like they were flying). This weekend's rehearsal really made me believe that all I needed was to dance.

It was crazy because I walked into the studio, crying, and I started crying even more to find Nutcracker casting finally up. Not only am I Dewdrop (the flower soloist), but I'm also Marzipan/Mirletons/whatever-your-studio-calls-them!! And I'm doing fouettes in both, but Dewdrop's are en dehor fouettes and Marzipan's are en dedant fouettes!! Eep! Despite this slight challenge, I was just so happy and proud of myself. I never imagined myself landing one solo part, if not two! Things are getting just crazily amazing around here and for the company.

So, I'm writing this blog to all of you that might feel like there's no hope or there's nothing worth living for anymore. I'm writing to all of you that might feel like fearless isn't in your dictionary or you don't even know how to get yourself off the ground anymore. I want all of you to know that there's always hope, you just have to find it. There's always that one thing that will make your life the best thing on this planet. And just know that I've been there, and you can too find that you can feel like a million dollars even at your worst.


PS. I love my pup. He cuddled with me and licked my tears away just like every dog should do.
PPS. Please support my ballet company and add us on Facebook!!

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