Wednesday, September 30, 2009


"you're pegasus! and a unicorn! you're a...pega-corn!"

Today was magical day! It was really interesting to see what people were going to wear today. It was truly a Harry Potter themed day, so many people just wore robes and carried around wands. A group of girls dressed up as a Quidditch team, and they had one of their friends dress up as the Golden Snitch. They spent all day chasing her around as they screamed "The snitch!" as they rode their broomsticks down the hall. There were a few dueling matches in the hallways. It kinda made me want to be at Hogwarts

I really need some magic right now.
I'm quite ill. I woke up with a sore throat + a little stuffy nose. My sore throat soon turned into a cough. A dry, raspy cough. I hate being soon as I started getting worse, I started downing the Vitamin C packets I carry around. Then I went to rehearsal, and halfway through rehearsal I got a fever. I know my body too well that I didn't even need to take a temperature. I just felt the aches + chills that come when I get a fever. I sat out + marked the very end of rehearsal. If you need to know anything about me and my health, it's that I rarely get sick. I get sick at least once a year and at most twice. I never have an understudy/double cast because I'm usually always in good health. That's why I hate the situation right now. I need some magic to heal me so that I can make it to the end of the week! The end of this week is all I'm looking forward to! I think that school, homecoming week, and theatre week just don't mix. Universe, please don't let this happen next year...Too much sickness is going around. Like I said, wash your hands!

Tonight I practiced falling backwards off the train for the first time. You need to understand how high I was in the air, so you can start to get nervous too...The train is about 10 feet above the ground (equivalent to one story). I'm 5 foot 3 inches, so my eyes are 4-5 ft ontop of that 10 feet. It looks really far up there. When I got up there, I felt like I was touching the balcony seats. I had to walk around a little more to get used to the height and my surroundings. I needed to get used to my eyes being so far above the ground. I had to get used to looking down at the ground far below me and the boys waiting down there to catch me. I walked around/freaked out for about 5 minutes before I built up the courage to fall. I did it, and I screamed! It is so scary...but so amazing at the same time! I was so ready to do it a second time! What I learned from this is to be courageous + fearless, especially when you know that people are there to catch you. There are times in our lives where we feel like there's no one else around but yourself. But sometimes, or most of the time, there are going to be people there to catch you. No matter the height. No matter the fall. When I went up there the first time, the ballet mistress said to me, "You have to trust yourself before you can trust them."
That is so true. I didn't realize that I didn't trust myself compeletely quite yet. Up there on the top of that train. And in real life. I really do need to trust myself before I can trust anyone else. I do certain things that just make me not trust myself sometimes. I say the wrong things. I do the wrong things. And it just ends up being my fault. Therefore I don't trust myself. But maybe I do those things so I can trust myself. Maybe there's this sense of intution that is telling me that I need to do certain things that are best for me. I just don't realize it yet. Maybe. Maybe I'm starting to trust myself...


Tuesday, September 29, 2009


"hey guys! wanna see my pokemon cards?!?!"

Today was Nerd Day! I'm can't help but be cute all the time, so I'm not as nerdy as some people were today. That's my little bro's Pokemon shirt + my old catholic school skirt. It made a great outfit for a windy day...NOT. But a lot more people dressed up today than yesterday. People really get into the spirit days; it's so awesome. A girl was walking around today with a "Kick Me" sign on her backpack and introducing herself to everyone then exclaiming "I have friends!". It's such a fun time of the year. I love it.
Tomorrow is Magical Day. And I'm not going to reveal what I'm going to'll just have to see!

What also happens this week is the junior + senior stars are hung up in the cafeteria. The stars are blue + gold (school colors); the seniors are gold and the juniors are blue. I haven't been able to find my star quite yet, but just knowing that I'm one of those stars up there is unbelievable. I just can't believe that I'm a junior already. High school isn't the best thing in the world, but now I'm wishing that it wouldn't end. Just yet. But it's really interesting to see all the people you went to elementary and middle school with have grown up. How they all took their own paths. How they all change. How they all move on.

The universe is out of wack this week.
Tonight was the first day of rehearsals at the theatre. And quite frankly, it didn't go very well. I didn't have a good warm-up class. People weren't remembering things. People were frantic. We were blanking out and not miming like were supposed to. And Pedro was getting upset. I don't blame him though. It was a disaster. And all I could think was "Oh no, this isn't good..." but I looked around, and I saw everyone disappointed. Disappointed in themselves, and possibly disappointed in all of us as a whole. But then I thought about all the rehearsals we had. All the hours we spent learning and working on this production. We wouldn't be there if we didn't want to work. If we didn't want the show to go on. Every single person is there because they want this. They want the show to go on. So, from that point, I thought positive. I wanted this show to be great. I want everyone to believe in themselves and in this company. I just don't want all that hardwork to go to waste because of one bad rehearsal. We got let out early tonight. Probably because we needed to go home and rest and think about what we need to do for the rest of the week. But I stayed after to watch some of the others work on "driving" the trains. They are working so hard, and I think that the rest of the week is just going to be delightful. I'm not giving up. Not in this lifetime.

The universe is just soooo out of wack. But I have to remember that we each have our time. The universe is like a roller coaster. It's up and down for everyone. It's just not in our favour this week. I keep thinking about the way you kissed me and the way you held me and the way you breathed in my ear. It's all good fun. But I've been seeing you all week, and I can't help but smile at the little things you do that I just love. The way you smile only halfway when you're nervous. The way you make those silly faces at me when you see me in the hallway. The way you wait for me after class just to talk. Just so I can walk with you to your car. That's the way I want to remember you. I don't want to think of the two-faced, ignorant, selfish person you've become because that's not who you are. That's not who I want you to be. That's not who you want to be. I want to remember you the way you were when you were with me.
But we can't have everything we want.


Monday, September 28, 2009


check out the pins on that babe! (30's lingo for: "check out the legs on that girl!")

Today's spirit day was Decade day. I dressed up as a pin-up girl from my favourite decade(s): the 30's/40's. Such glamour! I think I looked pretty legit, if you ask me. ;)

This week is going to be the craziest week of my life.

Homecoming week + theatre week + all my teachers deciding to give us tests week = INSANE.

But I think that's what's going to make this week crazy + amazing at the same time.

Tomorrow will be the first day in the theatre. And I can never express how much I love being in the theatre. It's my home. There's no other place I'd rather be (well, maybe being backstage/onstage with Kelts + Nicole, but that day will soon come). We'll be practicing me falling off the train. Backwards. As my stomach falls out of my ass. Again. But this time, I'll be 10 feet off the ground instead of 3. Oh my. I think I'll take a video of it. Yeah, I think I'll try that.

Tomorrow is also Nerd Day at my school. I think that I'm a nerd in my own way, however I will exagerrate tomorrow. There's nothing wrong with being a nerd. Plus, I love Taylor Swift for being that gorgeous + sweet nerd in "You Belong With Me". So presh. Us dorks have it good. Right, Kelts?

dorks 2² ever
PS. All you kiddies better be washing your hands! My sister got diagnosed with swine flu today! It's really having me worried. I can't afford to get sick. No one can. The doctor said she'll be fine in the a few days. However, she's highly contagious. So everyone has to be extremely careful around her. Keep clean, kids!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

i feel good (i knew that i would)

Today was probably one of the best days in my life so far. I consider this my job. My life. I knew that I was going to have a 7am - 7pm day. A 12 hour day. Of nothing but hair, makeup, and focus. I was ready. So ready. I figured that I'd use this opportunity to know what it's like to have a full day dancing job (aka my dream job).

I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn, and dragged my sleepy little butt with a cup of coffee out the door to the rainy rainy day. I got to the studio, and everyone was getting their hair did! Hairspray cans going off in every direction. Huge teased hairballs sitting on top of some heads. Wig caps were going on. The heat of all the curling irons hitting my ice cold skin. It all felt so welcoming. And everyone in the room was just beaming with excitement + glee. I couldn't remember why I dreaded waking up so early this morning. We spent the first hour or so getting everyone's hair done and pancaking pointe shoes (for next week). I got a pretty amazing wig that almost looked like my real hair! I looked like Tina Turner I think...Then we had warm-up at about 8:30, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "The Rockettes aren't even up doing class this early!" LOL. It was pretty amazing. I just imagined Keltie + Nicole still snuggling up together with a jar of peanut butter between them and their heads running through kick-lines and what not. It made me smile.

We were off to the little theatre at the museum, and we did some spacing. The band did sound check, and we were all ready for the show. We had the greatest time putting makeup on! We did glitters + bright colors! So fun! Then it was costume and last hairspray time. Everyone looked so great in the their costumes, makeup, and done hair. If the 60's really looked this good, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

John and I were so ready. We weren't worried about anything. We've practiced it so many times that it was part of us. And I think that's the most amazing thing about partnering. Even though "pas de deux" means "dance for two", I feel like you have to be one person. You have to work as one person, together. One person can't be pulling the weight more than the other. John + I were a great pair, I think. Our dance went great today. Probably one of the best times we've ever done it. I'm so proud of him. Of us.

When we walked off stage, my director, Pedro, was in tears. He was sniffling, and he held out his fist to give me a knuckle punch. He said, "Good job." and I gave him a knuckle punch. Then a hug. He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head. I didn't know that that dance that I had so much fun doing could bring my director to tears. We've done with dance many times in the studios. What made this time any different. I think it's because we were fullout + fearless. Like I said, John and I were so ready. We both were so cool about everything. And we did everything to it's fullest. Absolutely amazing.
This last picture was the final pose from the show. It's a mix of both Jr. + Sr. Company. Only some of the greatest people I know. (John is the one that I'm lifting with the help of a couple of my other girlies!)

Then we went back to the studios to rehearse more more more for Ties next week! Exactly a week from today! Unbelievable! I'm really excited, and I think everyone is. We're done with everything, and all that's left is to get to the theatre! I rehearsed falling straight back from the barre, even though I'll be almost 10 feet above the ground while I drop back into the arms of a few boys. The barre doesn't do it any justice. However, I'm glad that we did try it on the barre because I have to get used to that feeling in my stomach. That feeling that my stomach just feel out my ass. I gotta get used to that.
All of next week, I'll be in the theatre. My favourite place to be. You guys know that. I'll be posting pictures like I always do.

This entire experience today was amazing. I'd never trade anything else for it. Even though my toenails are even more bruised. Even though my inner thighs, bum, and calves are extremely tight. Even though I've got blisters and a pair of dead pointe shoes. I love this life so much. I should stop calling it a job because it's too much a part of me and my soul to be a "job". It's too incredible and fun to be a "job", ha!

I want to thank all of you for putting up with my millions of annoying tweets + strange blog posts. You all are so amazing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Make a wish y'all!

PS. I have some great surprises coming up for you guys! Getting the final details together before I can say anything!
PPS. I just took out all the bobby pins from today, and I counted 84 of them. I love the hair ladies.

Friday, September 25, 2009


I am constantly being inspired.
Yesterday, my 4am friend, Dylan, walked into the dance studio. I couldn't believe it. It was like a dream. She's off at college right now, and all I could ever wish for was to be right up there with her. She's doing so great, and I'm so proud of her in all she does and is doing. We tried to catch up, which was very much needed, and she's back home because of the whole G20 situation up in Pittsburgh. Her school was closed down + boarded up. How ridic? But I'm so glad to see her because I can't go without seeing or talking to her for a long period of time.

We are constantly talking about how much we love our lives. How are lives have crossed paths, and we both love what we do. We both have the passion + drive to be the best dancers we can be. We wouldn't have it any other way. She always talks about the amazing people at the college that just don't dance. They live it. They breathe it. They are dance. And I just keep thinking about how I can't wait to be surrounded by people like that. Just hearing about it, I'm extremely inspired. I can't wait to be around people that will inspire me everyday.

What I also discovered is that I inspire myself. And I realized that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. People like Keltie Colleen, my girls in the company, Pedro, Kelts' Shu, and even YOU inspire me everday. But you can even inspire yourself. You should inspire yourself. I know that there those days and those things that you do that amaze you and make you so proud of yourself. Be proud of yourself! It's okay! Inspire yourself!

I saw this card while walking around in grocery store.
Find inspiration somewhere.
Don't stop looking.

i only love you for what you're worth.

"Unfortunately, you don't get what you deserve. You get what you think you deserve."--I Wrote This For You;

This entire week has been probably the best week in my life.
Nothing special happened.
It's because I'm happy. Something happened to me on Monday that made me turn a new leaf. I blame it on the season change though...But I am doing so good. So good with myself. With my family. With my friends. With(out) you. I'm just doing so good, and I am so happy + proud with myself. Everyone should feel like this. Alas, it just doesn't come this easy. You have to give up + let go! That's what I did! I let go. Of everything not worth holding on to. And I feel wonderful. There's no other way to explain it.

Yesterday, it rained buckets.
I love the rain.
I used to think about what happened that made it rain.
Most of the time, it rained when I was having a bad day.
When I was upset with myself.
When I was being too hard on myself.
But yesterday, it rained. And I didn't have a reason. I couldn't blame anything for the beautiful downpour. Then I realized that sometimes, you don't need a reason to do things. You can just do them. Just like the weather. The weather does what it likes because it can. So, I enjoyed the rain for what it's worth. I stood in the rain until my grandmother made me come inside + my dog was barking at the window.

You have to enjoy life for what it's worth. Life is being so good to all of you because you're still here. The other night, I was driving in the dead of night, and I almost hit another car. So close. And if that car had been there seconds earlier, it all would've been over. But it's not because my life is being good to me. The universe is looking out for me. It's looking for all of us.

Find things that you can just enjoy and love for what it's worth. Sometimes you don't have to have a reason for it either. You can just love it, embrace it, nurture it to your heart's content.

Tomorrow, I've got a call to the studios @ 7:30am. We're getting our hair did + doing warm-up before the show. I'm so excited for the show! Everyone is just going to love the live music! It's the best part about it! And the band is great. This is such a fun show; I wish you call could come and watch! Then after the show, we're gonna be rushing back to the studios for another few hours of rehearsal until 7pm at night. It's going to be a busy + bustling day. But it's all part of the job. The job that I will have for the rest of my life. The job that I love.

I discovered that I only love you for what you're worth.
Which apparently wasn't a lot or enough.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

close enough

"i'll show you a good time, but be ready to fight."

I love crocheting these little muffin caps. They are so easy and fun to make! I put all my hair up into it for the first time today, and I realized that I would look pretty damn good with some short hair. Believe it or not, I used to get my hair cut to a short bob every year, but I stopped doing that in about 8th grade. What I also discovered is that I'm not so afraid of what to wear anymore. I used to be so self-conscience about what I put on in the morning. What were people going to think about my outfit? I don't wear extremely crazy and extravagant outfits, but I do pull a lot of my inspiration from Lookbook + Urban Outfitters. They have some pretty amazing outfits on there, but not something a lot of people at my school wear. But now I'm starting to realize that it doesn't matter anymore. I'm my own person, and I'm fashionable. So I woke up and wore what I wanted. And I even got compliments. Funny how it works that way...

I'm learning a lot about myself + the universe lately.

I learned that I'm extremely inspired right now. So I wrote yet another amazing song today. I don't know what's in the air, but I'm producing fantastic songs. If you haven't heard, I created a Myspace page for my music. I'm still debating whether or not I should keep it to actually post my music on there. The only reason why I don't want to is because of the whole copyright situation. I just don't want my lyrics popping up to someone else's tune. But isn't there a rule about that on Myspace Music? I should actually read that stuff...Anyways, I really want to share my music (even though I don't want to be known for my music). Here's my link:
I really want to know what you guys think about this, so let me know!
What I learned about the universe is that there are so many sweet people in it and that you don't get to choose your bad days.
I recently asked one of my homeschooled friends to be my homecoming date. He quickly said no, and apologized for not being able to go with me. He kept saying that he was honored that I would ask him. And he even elaborated by sending me a Facebook message. Being so sweet about it, I didn't care that he said no. You need to find people like this. People that care so much about how you feel and what you think of them that they will go to great lengths to make sure everything is fine.
Tonight at dance class, there were a few girls getting frustrated and upset with themselves because they couldn't get somethings right. For some it was turns. For others it was a balance. I watched them beat themselves up over these things. This is what us dancers go through everyday. We beat ourselves up for what we can't do. We are constantly told that we're not perfect. We need to get better. But then I looked in the mirror, and I saw that I wasn't having a great dance class either. But I didn't let that get to me. I still went along with a smile on my face because this is what I do. This is what I enjoy. When you can't get something right in ballet class or even in Math class. You have to focus on what you can do before you start paying more attention to what you can't. You have to know your strengths before you know your weaknesses. It's the only way you can get stronger.
You can't pick the bad days in your life. The universe just throws them at you. But you can pick your good days. You just have to make sure that you're doing everything in your power to make it a good day. I made today a good day because I woke up knowing it already. I've already decided that this entire week is going to be an amazing week. You have to tell yourselves what's going to happen so that it will.

I'm constantly telling myself that I will not give into you. It's finally working.

I'm finally listening to myself and letting my heart take a break.


Monday, September 21, 2009

comfy + confident

I don't know what it was with today, but I was so comfortable and carefree in myself and my own skin. It wasn't the baggy sweatshirt I was wearing or my favourite pair of jeans I had on. It was something in the air. Something right in front of my face. I think it's me.

I've told myself so many times that I'm going to just give up. Surrender to the universe. Let the universe take my life in its hands and do with it what it pleases. But I never really did it. Today I did. I didn't care about what I looked like so much. Hence the sweatshirt. But it wasn't in a slob sort of way. It's like confidence. I was confident in how I looked and how I carried myself, it didn't matter to me anymore. I drove for the first time in a while today. Not the slightest bit of doubt entered my mind that I couldn't drive. I just went for it. I walked with you down the hall. I didn't feel a bit of regret. A bit of tension. I was me. And you were you. I never knew it was so easy.

Keltie once tweeted: "funny how it all works out when you've given up on it."
These words stuck to me like super glue. I never realized how true that really is though. It really is how funny things work out that way. You don't expect them to because you think that giving up is just the easy way out. The cheat to life. But it's not. It's probably the only way you'll ever get through life. To give up on the things you know you just can't get at. Things will work out. I promise.

My eyes don't deceive me anymore. I see everything for what it's worth. And I'm fixing all the bad + wrong things in my life. It's never too late to go back and revise.

Don't be afraid.
Be confident.
Everything is easier than you think.
The universe has got your back.


Sunday, September 20, 2009


"sprinkle some love in it"
What I realized is that the person you love with all your heart, might love you at first, but they will never love you back that much. But a person that loves you, but you don't feel the same way, will still love you. Always. It's so sad how that works out, but maybe it's meant to work out that way. Maybe, we're supposed to find someone that will love you for you and not love you for loving them. I'm only loving you. You don't love me back.

Friday, we sadly lost our game to the undefeated Brookville Bees. A dissapointment, but what I was even more disappointed in was you. I don't like the way you act when you don't have a shirt on. I wrote a song on Friday. Probably one of the best songs I've ever written. And it's about how I feel about you. I wish I could record it to show you guys my work, but my mother says that I have to get copyright business done before I can do stuff like that. I'll see what I can do for you all. But it's amazing what great songs can come out of a sad sad love story. The song I wrote sounds like Taylor Swift meets Indie, ha.
Yesterday, I walked along Grandin Road. I had flashbacks of you + I walking down the street discussing movies and what we thought of "Slumdog Millionaire" which we had saw that night at the Grandin Theatre. We continued walking to a cute little malt shop called Pops, and we had a couple of milkshakes as we talked about our imperfections (your perfect imperfections) I enjoyed an amazing Mediterranean dinner with my family, I kept seeing your car drive by with another girl in the passenger seat. I think I was seeing things. But I need to get to the point where I can take a walk on a great street without thinking about you. I tell myself that I'm over you, and I am. But I don't think my body is ready to let go yet...
Today I took a ballet class from my old ballet teacher from Richmond. Yes, he is the sexy Ukrainian one that I drooled over every Monday + Wednesday. He walked in with a new haircut + cute white turtleneck. And once he started talking, I started melting. But when he held my hands to help me with a sousou was when I really melted to the floor, ha! Even though I had him this summer, just having him again today I learned even more from him. And it's interesting how I suddenly do amazing whenever he teaches...LOL

Well this coming Saturday is the museum performance, and I'm really excited for it. I'm gonna be in a short, sassy wig + a beautiful velvet dress. I want to see you there! We even have a band to play live music! But I think what's even more amazing is that I'll be dancing from 7 to 7 that day. It's the beginning of what's to come for me within the next few years probably...

Now that I'm a junior, everyone is talking about colleges and majors and such. It's still unbelievable that I'll be graduating next year, but I'm so ready to go. I'm so ready to grasp the universe as what it is and not make it what I want it to be. I'm ready to hold onto the danger + risk that life requires. But what I'm not ready for is to chose a college...right now I'm looking into Chapman University in Orange, CA. I was born + raised in Orange, so I thought it would be AMAZING to go back to my hometown. However, Chapman is a private university. Scholarships would be nice, yeah?


Saturday, September 19, 2009

the more things change, the more things stay the same.

I'm not posting a bunch of pictures of me because I'm self-centered or because I want to be a model or something.
It's because it seems like everyday I'm a different person.
Everyday I'm becoming someone else.
I'm confident, quiet, hyper, shy. It's different everyday.
Someone else.
But honestly, I that "someone else" is the real me. I'm changing + growing so much as a person, and I don't think I'd have it any other way. I change as autumn (my favorite season) rolls on in. This year is going to be so great for me. I've already made that decision. And I think it's mainly because I'm done with you. Just telling myself and my friends that I'm done with you has just made me a so much stronger person, and it's really helping me move on. I'm sorry to say that everytime I see you, I'm going to tell myself that I hate you. I don't like to say that I hate people, but it's just so that I will get over you. You are not who I thought you were, but I still believed that you were. That's the difference between me + you. I took you for what you were plus so much more because I believed in you so much. You took me for what you wanted me to be. But I'm so done with you messing with me.

Today was dress rehearsal for the museum show which is in a week! I can't believe it! The band came in today and played for our rehearsal. It was really helpful to have them come in because since we're dancing to live music, it was good to actually dance to the live music instead of a track that we're not dancing to. The band is amazing. I can't believe they're all about my age! So much talent! I have faith in my generation. The dance with John went EXTREMELY well today. I'm so thankful for such a good partner. We're such a good pair together, and I think you all are going to love the dance very much! We're really grasping the theme of the 60s by doing wigs! I have a cute wig that's a little bob. I love it so much! I'll try to snap a picture for you all to see! Today was really hectic with dress rehearsal + more Ties rehearsal. Ah! I thought my brain was going to explode! But we're making great progress.
Today is my best friend's birthday! I've only known her for a couple of years, but we're so close it's unbelievable. She's 17 today! Happy Birthday, Hugga Mugga! Love you, girl!!

We're getting so close to our upcoming shows!
And Homecoming!
And my birthday!


Thursday, September 17, 2009

i wanna fly.
There isn't much to say except that I'm a busy girl.
I've got deadlines, rehearsals, and assignments I've gotta take care of, and I'm so stressed out! But as a word of caution + advice, seriously don't get behind on your work. Whether it's school work or dance, you've gotta be on top of things. Or you'll suffer. I've seen so many girls get replaced in a dance because they didn't know the choreography. It's that brutal. I keep a notebook. Whenever I learn new choreo, I write it down so I'll have it for next time. It's so helpful, and you'll get recognized for working hard!

Tomorrow I've got a date with some blue and gold army paint on my face, a sore throat, + half naked boys with "GO TITANS!" painted on their chests.
I love high school football.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

'till next time.

"nobody puts baby in the corner."

Patrick Swayze.
The first real man I ever fell in love with.
I watched "Dirty Dancing" at a very young age (who cares if it's dirty? It's dancing. It's passion. We should all experience something like it...). And I loved it from the start. He was so suave + beautiful, and when he started to dance he wooed me with his swaying hips. I thought the fact that his last name had "sway" in it went perfect with his captivating hip swaying. Men wanted to be him. Girls wanted him. I wanted to be Baby so bad after the first time I saw "Dirty Dancing". I still want to be Baby. I want to find that boy who will dance with me because he loves me. Not because he has to or because he wants to get all over me. But because he just wants to hold me to make sure I don't get away. That he won't lose me...
But what I found most fascinating about Mr. Swayze was that he was a dancer, an artist, above anything else. He studying ballet and even made it to the Joffrey school of Ballet. You just don't find a man that graceful who can also play a gangster boy.

"you just don't stop living because you lose somebody."
I cried when I found out that Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The dumbest thing you can tell someone that's dying is to hold on. I just realized that because if they never let go, then they'll never live. Patrick Swayze lived, and he still lives on. Until the next time I see you, Patrick. Dance.
Until the next time I see you, it won't be the same. We're trying too hard now. You need to move on because it seems to me that I'm doing a better job of that than you are. I never thought it would ever get to this point, but it has. I'm ready. You're not.
'Till next time.

Monday, September 14, 2009

music is hotter than you.

you are a great thing. don't doubt that for a second.

The VMAs last night were absolutely amazing. I love music, and I love the videos that go along with them. I couldn't help but thing what the VMAs will be like when my generation grows up. When my generation is the one on that stage. Because I'll be up there too. I love Taylor Swift. She gave it her all to win that award, and I'm not going to drop any names or anything, but there's this thing called respect. And I don't know if some people know about it, but I still like to see it around if you don't mind. She looked incredible last night, and I'm so glad Beyonce gave her her chance onstage. Plus, that performance by Taylor Swift was so rad!! And Keltie!!!! Girl, you looked so amazing and beautiful popping it on that taxi, ha! Wish I was in that crowd to cheer and sing along! I'm so glad that you got your shot, Kelts. You deserve it.
It was so hard to watch the VMAs and not wish that I was old enough to audition for them or get an agent to hook me up with a spot, but my time will come. I just know it. Beyonce's performance of "Single Ladies" just blew me away. I wanted to be one of those girls shimmying and shaking it all on that stage! I love that music video, and being able to recreate it on that stage. To that scale. Wow. Sign me up. And by the way, I love Lady Gaga. Her dancers were incredible! Ohhhh, and Pink!! Woah, I had no idea she could do all the flippy stuff! So rad!!
I love the VMAs. Period.

This weekend, I had an English assignment to write a 100 word essay (exactly 100 words; no more, no less.) without any of the words repeated. It was definitely a challenge, but I had a lot of fun with it. You guys know that I love to write. Especially poems. So, this might sound a little like a poem, but I couldn't help it! This might be a personal experience. It might not. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. But, I am Michelle, and you are Jude. And yes, I am referring to the Beatles' songs, ha! But I really like it, and I called it "100 Nights":

"'I want to fly,' Michelle cried. 'Be a girl in the sky and sleep on white clouds,” she said. “Sail across one hundred nights into days. Feel like I’m swimming, flipping through Chesapeake Bay. Play guitar for twinkling stars. Use angel wings instead of cars.' These words stuck against Jude’s ears as pictures flashed before him. He shook his head in dismay, looked past her face, then walked away. 'When you are with me, we’re flying,' that beautiful maiden whispered. 'Because you’re mine, this is wonderland. We make love just holding hands.' Lonely boy moving past people will never know."

This is how you make me feel.
But you'll never know.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

in my nature.

This is me.

This is you.

Things with me and you are getting pretty crazy. I never imagined myself with you. Maybe in a million years. But never now.
When I'm with you, I feel so amazing. It's as simple as that. The way you hold me and the way you say all the right things. It sends tingles all the way down to my toes that lasts for days. And you know that you have that effect on me. I just love it.
But at the same time, I feel so guilty.
I can't wait until you leave to live your dream. You'll be too busy, and you'll forget all about me. It's better off that way.
How sad is that story? I can't figure it out myself. I love him. But I can't wait until he's gone. It's not you're average love story...

Also, I want to warn all you boys who flirt with me. It's in my nature to flirt back. Look up what the stars have to say about Libras. One of the traits is "flirtatious". I can't help it. It's just in my nature! I really don't mean to hurt or lead you boys on. It's just that it's the way I talk....I'm just so bad!

Today's rehearsal was beautiful.
I finished the pas with John, and we're really starting to polish it up. The costume ladies are seriously amazing; they work magic!! My black dress is looking beautiful thanks to them, and I feel so fantastic in it!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T is really coming together! That song really gets us pumped, ha! I love dancing to old motown music! It's just so classic + energizing.
Ties is really coming together. I'm getting so excited for it, and I can't wait to fall off the train, ah!! Everything is just coming together; it's so exciting!!
Tomorrow is the open/public auditions for The Nutcracker. I always volunteer. Every year. I love seeing all the little kids and seeing their eyes light up when they know that they get to be a part of the magic of the Nutcracker. Nutcracker season is the most magical time of the year, and I love working with the kids!! Be there, or be square!!


Thursday, September 10, 2009


maybe it's time that we become timeless.
Photo by: Bettina Pousttchi
A month from today I will be 16.
A whole year ago I was with someone else, and you forgot that I existed.
Maybe things would've been different if you remembered me long ago. If you took the chance to talk to me. If I took the chance to sit next to you.
Maybe things would be different.
A month from today I will be a whole year older. A whole year wiser. A whole year better.
Maybe things will be different.
Because you found me.
One month from today I'll be 16.

I went to the ortho this morning, and they're not lying this time, ha! They told me that I will be getting my braces off October 15, so I think that we should all throw a party for me and my braceless face that day. It's exactly 5 days after my birthday; what a great birthday present! I'm only hoping to get a car for my birthday, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'm putting together a really awesome party for my friends and I to celebrate my Sweet 16! I'm still thinking of a theme, but right now I'm really liking the idea of a rave themed party! The lights. The dancers. The buzz (I'm not talking about what gets you buzzed because there won't be any of that at my party, but I'm talking about how awesome you feel at a rave, lol). It's going to be a blast, and I'm just trying to get the last of the dets together!


Wednesday, September 09, 2009

on the surface.

Why isn't anything what it appears to be on the surface.
You look at me, and you might see a strong + fearless girl.
But on the inside, I'm very afraid of things and I'm not as strong as I think I am.

I look at us, from far away, and we look so perfect. We look the way it's supposed to be. But on the inside, it's all a secret. No one knows anything. No one's supposed to know anything. And you are not a loving boy who just wants to kiss my neck and whisper I'm beautiful. I'm not a loving girl that will take you in my arms and say that I'm yours forever.
Nothing is ever what it seems.
Yet I'm liking the view.

Yesterday was the first day of regular classes at the studio. It was so good to see some old faces back in the groove again, and it was so amazing and exciting to see some new faces that go with the flow. This year is going to be great, I just know it!

I forgot to tell you guys that I got a new Canon digital SLR camera! My mom thought it would be helpful for me to explore myself as a photographer with a new and rad camera. As you can tell, I had a little fun with the self-timer + this new floral dress (I just love it so much!!). I think we're setting up a Flickr in photography class pretty soon, so I might just wait until then to make one. I've been taking a lot of pictures. Especially of flowers. I find flowers particularly pretty and fascinating, and with this new SLR, the color is enhanced so much and it just looks gorgeous. I tried to take a picture of a butterfly, but it just kept flying away from me! How do the photographers do it?

Today I learned that:
-I never do my homework/study in Study Hall. I always do homework in other classes.
-my best friend is going through a tough time right now, and she needs more than ever.
-I'm not as funny as I think I am. I guess that's what makes me a dork.
-my sister does listen to me.
-my dog is mad that I was kissing another boy the other day and not him.
-you + I are just ridiculous together.

just take me with you. i wish we weren't a secret.

Monday, September 07, 2009

"oh, my love, my darling...

"...i've hungered for your touch a long, lonely time."

This song is how we are.
We finally had our moment.
For us.
And I can't stop thinking about how amazing today was and how amazing you make me feel. It's not going to last, I know that. But let's make it last for now before you have to leave. I want to spend more time with my face squished right up to yours and without a single worry. Not even about the time. Hopefully, you won't be afraid to dance with me.

I also want to let all of you know how amazing all of you make me feel.
You inspire me so much to keep dancing and keeping pushing myself. And seeing all of your responses to the new YouTube video just brings me to tears. That class pushed me to make an impression, and I think that I got a lot more out of it. I discovered that I'm seriously almost there. I honestly think that I'm halfway there. I feel successful right now, but I want to get that job. That will complete the other half of it. The fact that I feel successful at the moment makes me halfway there.
Get halfway there, guys. You can do it!
And thank you for all the views to the new video!! I have almost 150 in less than 24 hours! You guys are so rad!! Thanks again!!

"and time goes by so slowly."

Sunday, September 06, 2009

SWEATY DANCER ALERT! (jessica king + brad taylor classes!!)

I've been looking forward to today for at least a month!! And I'm so glad that I was told about today because I would put today on repeat.

Today I took classes from Brad Taylor + Jessica King!! Brad Taylor started out, and he dove right in with some smooth and sassy moves to "Rockin' That S*&^" by The Dream. It was so smooth and sexy, and trust me, I'm no hip hop dancer, but I felt like I was hitting all the right moves! He even called on me to do it again in front of the class. It made me smile.
Then he moved on to some nasty and dirty moves to "A Milli" by Lil' Wayne. B-rad has so much swagger that we were all mesmerized by the way he dances. He's all about the beats, and if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the beats and rhythms of "A Milli". So rad. His class had me sweating within the first 5 minutes, and I was soaked by the end of the two hours. I looked like I just hopped out of the shower, I was that sweaty! I love feeling like that though because I really don't care what I look like. It's all about what I feel like when I'm working on those nassstyyy moves, ha! He was soaked through his sweatpants, and he's extremely skinny. I really wish I got a video of me doing his choreo, but I wasn't thinking! Ugh, but I'll share this rad video of some other choreo that he did. Two hours with him flew by, and he had to jet because of his flight back to LA!

Then Jessica was downstairs working on the routine for our class, and she came up and took pictures before class. She was so tough on us even before class started! She told us that she was trained in Cechetti! I never knew that! Her choreography is beautiful, and I loved what she did with us today. It was to a song by Gavin Degraw called "I Have To Thank You". Thank goodness I remembered to video tape it because I loved it so much. She told us to think about seeing our mom or dad for the first time in a year or two, and not to think of a boy. DO NOT THINK OF A BOY! I kept saying that to myself the whole hard is it to focus on your mom when a boy that's stolen your heart is miles and miles away from you? Focus! And not on a boy...Jessica told us that flying messes up ones equilibrium, and today I was so on my balance. Poor Jessica, she must've been jetlagged or something. She gave us all so much advice for auditions and what choreographers want. It was so good for her to be there and tell us what it's like. I just wish that I could've had a sit down with her. Alas, it wasn't possible at all. She had to ditch for her flight as well. Busy busy girl...I can't wait until that day when all I have to worry about is making it to some flight and not some stupid English project due Tuesday (eep!). Just being in the same room as Jessica and watching her dance was amazing. She has so much fire and so much experience. It was so inspiring for her to be here. And she's from Myrtle Beach! I didn't know that either!
This last picture is the whole group after 4 hours of intense, sweaty, and fearless dancing. I think we all look beautiful. Glistening artists. If you look hard enough you can see Jessica squeezed in there right before she escaped for her flight! She looked so cute in her outfit.

Even though they weren't really looking for new dancers or anything, I wanted Jessica + Brad to notice me so much. It's just not enough for me to walk into a class and not have the teacher not notice me. But I could tell they were really stressed out and freaking out about their flights...maybe?
Enjoy the vids!! I loved today. Get down and dirty. Discover your swagger. Sweat through your sweatpants. Hug your mom. Wear ridiculous socks. Be fearless.


"i have you to thank for making me so hard to please because you treated me so good...because of you, girl, I never want to break up."
Choreography by: Jessica King
Song: "I Have to Thank You" by Gavin Degraw

Saturday, September 05, 2009

wish you were here.

I am so excited to be dancing with this girl tomorrow.
I can't wait for her to give us a warm up and teach us a combo. It's going to be the greatest thing ever. I'm going to try to bring my camera and maybe she'll let us take pictures with her? Please?
I'm also thinking about mentioning about Chelsie and then connecting it with Keltie. I wonder if she knows Keltie...Keltie, does Jessica King know you? Ha, if not, I'll let her know. ;)

I realized that:
-I love ripping off + switching the letter keys on my laptop keyboard
-I can't wait to live in New York.
-in three weeks it's the museum show.
-in 4 weeks it will be Ties/Homecoming.
-I can't go a whole weekend without seeing you. Wish you were here.


Thursday, September 03, 2009

i just got a shiver down my spine.are you talking about me?

i always seem to hold my breath when i'm around you.

I'm really sorry if I've been kind of distant lately. It's just him...he wasn't what I expected him to be.
Remember when I wrote about R/E? Reality over expectations? To be happy you either have to improve your reality or decrease your expectations? But then I realized that you can't lower your expectations until your reality has improved. It just can't work on one side. It has to work both ways or it just doesn't work. But I think I got my equation wrong. I tried to improve my reality by increasing my expectations about you. I was expecting you to sweep me off my feet just like they do in the movies. We were so close, yet so far. Literally. Things just didn't end the way I wanted. Or we wanted. Tomorrow's going to be different. We'll meet in our spot. You'll be surrounded by your "friends", and I'll just stand there being the good little girl that I am. You can't expect me to be like you! Or is that your expectation? Maybe you got the equation wrong too. Were you increasing your expectations by letting me into your reality? Or was your reality decreasing because you let me into your expectations?
Heartbreak is never over. But you're never as broken as you think you are.

As you can tell, I've been having a lot of fun with my ambition to become a photographer (the elevator lights in the last post was taken by me!). I've always been fascinated by photography, and this year I finally got the chance to take the class! Our first assignment is due tomorrow, and I think that I did a great job on it. I'm thinking about uploading my work to Flickr (like I said, I can never have too many websites!), so you guys can look at my work at a more convenient way. I'm discovering that I'm quite a natural at photography. One of the things on my list to do before I die is to be a photographer for a photoshoot someday. I'm not really quite sure for what kind of photoshoot I'm interested in being the photographer, but we'll see!


PS. I got yet another website!!
come see what I heart!!

PPS. keep the views coming on that Robinson Crusoe video!! My friend wants to be a big screenplay writer someday, and this was genius. He wrote every word of that narration (he did quote the book ONCE), but I was there when he was in action and it was a really cool process. Please keep watching!!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

this is him.

this is amazing. i can't deny it.

jordan leipzig. awesome writer. rad athlete. amazing person. remember his name! it will be in lights!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

i (don't) care.

I can't wait for the planets to align,
For you to get a clue and for me to get a sign.
I can't wait for the clock to strike twenty-nine,
Or for you to have a toast of rusty wine.

Your perfect mind wants glass napkins and shiny cups.
The plan's already made. The only way is up.
If my hair wasn't sparkly or my face wasn't burnt enough,
All you had to do was tell me to my face and give it to me rough.

The sailboat to the watery moon has left you here all alone
With nothing but your stacked up spine you call your own.
How is it that you can be so perfect? Can't you see?
It's because you leave no room for imperfections like me.

There's no space for my fragile lips and fearless heart.
The only space you left is for you to tear yourself apart.
Don't waste my time; there isn't a clock in your own home.
Because when it's time for me to say "no", I'll leave you out to roam (becauseidon'tcare).

He messed up.
But I can't change that.
Right when I was about to tell you all how much more amazing he is, and right when I was about to take my chance, he turns around and changes his mind.


how can you be so perfect?

it's because you don't leave room for imperfection like me.

I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again: I'm a perfectionist. I have to get everything down-pat before I'm satisfied. I have to make sure that my outfit has numerous approvals before I walk out the door. I check over my test papers several times before actually turning it in. When I'm having a bad turning day, I keep doing pirouettes until I get, at least, a clean double. Getting as close to perfect is what I am. It's what I live. But you. You are the epitome of perfection. You are smart, good looking, funny, sweet, and fun. You don't get more perfect than that. When I stand next to you, I feel so much smaller (not just literally). And I feel so imperfect, yet it feels so right. I've never loved feeling so imperfect. However, it seems that you can't have such imperfections in your life, and I understand. I'm the same way...but do you feel the same way when you stand next to me? Does it feel so right?

Things are getting too easy to say "yes" and "no" to lately.

"Did you feed the dog?" "Yes."
"Do you like coconut flakes?" "No."
"Is there someone at the door?" "Yes."
"Are you going to come with me?" "No."
"Will I believe in you?" "Yes."

It's just getting too easy! And I'm afraid that I'll miss my chance to say "yes" to you, finally. Or I'll miss my chance for you to answer "yes". But even if you say "no", at least I have an answer. I just can't wait anymore, and hearing that you're almost gone makes me worried. I don't want to lose you. I really got to get a move on what I want because I'm that type of person. I'm the one that's going to go after what I want. You're the complete opposite, and in that way, I feel like we're perfect for each other. I'm not going to lose you to a simple question or a simple answer. I have no more doubts in myself because you're out of chances; you wasted all of yours at perfect times and other girls. I, on the other hand, have million more chances that I never took because I was saving them for you.
Please don't take this the wrong way.
It's just that maybe there's still room for me in the picture?