I just thought that this time, it wasn't going to be me.
You're still getting everything you want because you're just being the usual (self-centered, handsome, tempting, suave) person that you are. And I'm so vulnerable to it all.
I was disappointed in myself when I found myself talking to you again last night as if nothing had ever happened. As if you had never broken my heart. As if you had never been with the other girl. As if you had never even laid a hand on me.
I was disappointed. But in a way, I'm glad that we're only having normal conversation. So casual. Not normal for us, but casual. We're making our way to acquaintances. It's like we're reversing the process of befriending someone.
I'm currently reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I didn't know what to expect from this book, but I've learned so much starting from page 1. Even though this book was originally written in Czech, this man has a way with words. And I can't believe how much I feel like he's writing about my situation right now. A boy who can't settle on one girl. A girl who can't even settle down. He finally falls in love with her, but he is still tempted by his other mistresses. And she leaves him. And he has no idea what to do with himself. My life. Right now. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm the girl that he's fallen in love with, I don't. There I go again wishing for things that I can't have.
But what I love (or hate--haven't decided yet) most about this book is that it brings up so many memories of you and me. Just the little things. When he writes about the way he loved to touch her and couldn't stand to be away from her too long. Pictures of you and I on that first day pops into my head. And it's a beautiful day. A beautiful memory. But only a memory now.
There isn't anything wrong with reminiscing. As long as you can handle what comes with memories sometimes. Guilt. Regret. Emptiness. Yearning. A strange happiness that I can't even explain. Even just thinking about the times we spent together still makes me smile sometimes because those were the greatest moments of my life. Even after all this heartache I've felt for the past couple of weeks, I am still smiling in the end. I don't know how it works that way, but I think it's because I've looked past all the bad and am only looking at the good. And I guess that's what makes it all worth while in the end. No matter how it ends. You can always look back and smile about it all. Either in a mocking sort of way. Or in a sense that it just reminds you of a time where you thought time was infinite. A time where the world seemed in the right place. A time where you felt as if the breath inside your lungs wasn't even yours anymore. A time where happy hasn't just an emotion, but a state of mind and being.
You miss it. You hate him. But you can't help but love those moments.
Those are the greatest moments of your life.
"the past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. the only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past."--milan kundera