Thursday, October 29, 2009

greatest moments

"too much of a good thing can be truly wonderful."--mae west

I always knew that in every situation, someone is going to be disappointed.
I just thought that this time, it wasn't going to be me.
You're still getting everything you want because you're just being the usual (self-centered, handsome, tempting, suave) person that you are. And I'm so vulnerable to it all.
I was disappointed in myself when I found myself talking to you again last night as if nothing had ever happened. As if you had never broken my heart. As if you had never been with the other girl. As if you had never even laid a hand on me.
I was disappointed. But in a way, I'm glad that we're only having normal conversation. So casual. Not normal for us, but casual. We're making our way to acquaintances. It's like we're reversing the process of befriending someone.

I'm currently reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I didn't know what to expect from this book, but I've learned so much starting from page 1. Even though this book was originally written in Czech, this man has a way with words. And I can't believe how much I feel like he's writing about my situation right now. A boy who can't settle on one girl. A girl who can't even settle down. He finally falls in love with her, but he is still tempted by his other mistresses. And she leaves him. And he has no idea what to do with himself. My life. Right now. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm the girl that he's fallen in love with, I don't. There I go again wishing for things that I can't have.
But what I love (or hate--haven't decided yet) most about this book is that it brings up so many memories of you and me. Just the little things. When he writes about the way he loved to touch her and couldn't stand to be away from her too long. Pictures of you and I on that first day pops into my head. And it's a beautiful day. A beautiful memory. But only a memory now.

There isn't anything wrong with reminiscing. As long as you can handle what comes with memories sometimes. Guilt. Regret. Emptiness. Yearning. A strange happiness that I can't even explain. Even just thinking about the times we spent together still makes me smile sometimes because those were the greatest moments of my life. Even after all this heartache I've felt for the past couple of weeks, I am still smiling in the end. I don't know how it works that way, but I think it's because I've looked past all the bad and am only looking at the good. And I guess that's what makes it all worth while in the end. No matter how it ends. You can always look back and smile about it all. Either in a mocking sort of way. Or in a sense that it just reminds you of a time where you thought time was infinite. A time where the world seemed in the right place. A time where you felt as if the breath inside your lungs wasn't even yours anymore. A time where happy hasn't just an emotion, but a state of mind and being.

You miss it. You hate him. But you can't help but love those moments.
Those are the greatest moments of your life.

"the past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. the only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past."--milan kundera

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

the way it's supposed to be

"i hope that someday i'll be stuck in the back of your mind, and you'll be going crazy in the middle of the night. you won't be able to get comfortable or fall asleep because there will be a mistake you made years ago, and it's eating away at you. you won't remember what that mistake was. but you'll be thinking of me at the same time, and how much you love me. and you will never put the two together. and when you see me, you'll be frozen in your tracks. and i'll be able to walk through you like you do to me. and it will feel so good to be the one in charge. and when that day comes i will go home and close the door behind me and laugh uncontrollably. and i'll shake, and i'll cry as i laugh...and it will all be perfect."

I want to see the look on your face the day you wake up and remember me many years later. I want to see the guilt + regret writeen on your face. I want the pain of loving me to show in your body language. I want to hear you cry yourself to sleep because you know you hurt me. I want to see you crush beneath the pressure of a hundred lies. I want to see you panic and have no idea what to do. I want to see you speechless.

I want nothing more than to move on. And I am. But I want to see you get a taste of your own medicine. But in my heart, I know that it's not worth my time and effort. You will get your karma someday soon. The universe will make sure of that.

"Tereza saw herself threatened by women, all women. all women were potential mistresses for Tomas, and she feared them all."--The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

It's not that I was afraid of other girls. I wans't worried about the other girls at all, actually.

I was worried about you. You would be tempted by other girls and what they have to offer, and you know that they won't be able to say no. You and your killer charm and suave words are irresistible, and you know it. Tonight, my parents even said something about your charm, and I couldn't help but agree with them. I just want you to know that I'm going to be the one that will say "no", and you will have no idea what to do with yourself. And I want you to know that you're a coward. And I want you to know that I'm in charge now.
I'm not scared of the other girls. I'm scared of what they're doing to you. With you. I'm scared of what you're doing with them. To them. Because I just know that I am being replaced.
Someone is going to just get hurt in the end.
And I'm hoping it's only you.

Monday, October 26, 2009

"don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."--dr. seuss

This week already feels great and beautiful. I feel so happy and free. I love the way the universe is working right now.
I'm going on a date on Friday night. With just a friend. Sometimes you just need to go out on a fun little date to get your mind off things. To unwind and have fun. This is exactly what it is. I'm going on a date to make myself happy and feel great about myself and this life that I'm living. I'm so ready for this new crazy shit the universe is going to throw at me because I'm just ready for something new. I'm done with this stupid old shit. Give me something new and something fun. I can't wait for this date and Halloween weekend. It's going to be amazing. Because I said so.
That is all.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

sometimes, what you want the most is what you're better off without.

"oh yes, the past can hurt. but the way i see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."--rafiki from "the lion king"

Today was such a great day.
I can feel that this week is going to be a great week. I've learned that you have to make the decision whether something is going to be good or not. And I've already made the decision that this week is going to be the most fabulous week ever. That is all.

I woke up this morning feeling beautiful. It's okay to feel beautiful. No one should ever change that. And today I learned so much about myself and the people around me. I learned that I could make a jellyfish out of a plastic cup. I learned that you will see people stare, and you will wonder what they're staring at, and all you have to do is smile. I learned that sometimes people will ask you simple questions that only require a simple answer, and sometimes people will ask impossible questions that don't have an answer; either way, you're going to have to answer their question. I learned that you can never go on enough dates with your dad to panera bread. My life is looking more and more beautiful everyday. I love this life, and I would never trade anything up for any other one.

As far as the past:
I can't wait to see where I end up. Because it's going to be so above all of this. I'm not saying that in an arrogant sort of way. I'm just ready for the bright bright future. This journey that I'm on is a rough one. But I like it rough. I wouldn't be moving if it wasn't ahead of me. I feel like I'm always chasing after something, but it's the only way I'm going to go far. I have to run and catch up with what I'm after or else I'll never reach it. I'm doing so well right now, and I finally stopped crying.

I took a modern class today. And it made me realize that dancing is all I have to do right now to keep my heart happy. I danced a stunning combination today to "A Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz. That's exactly how I feel right now. I was a beautiful mess out there on that dancefloor today. And even though my technique wasn't perfect or my hamstrings + IT bands were really tight, it didn't matter. I was dancing with all my being. I left my soul on that floor. Nothing should ever pull more energy and emotion from me except for dance. I'm putting my whole life into this art form, and I can't afford to lose myself to anything else. I feel so blessed to have found something that makes me feel beautiful and fearless.

One last thing:
I realized that we can't always get what we want. Except for you. You always get what you want because you have it all. Or you think you have it all. So you use all that deadly charm of yours get what you want. And you get it. You have such a sad story. I feel so bad for you because everything is handed to you. You never work for what you want. And when you do actually put some effort into it, it's out of vanity and ignorance. You're so sinful, and it's all going to catch up to you when you're out there in the real world. But I can't complain about the way you are anymore because you will never change. You will always be the:
bastard that I've gotten to know. The one that I've grown to fall in love with. The one that I've grown to fall out of love with.
And I've never thought I would be letting go of the hot, big shot "man" at our school. But I am so happy that I am.

This week is going to be so beautiful.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

distract me.

"happiness can only be found if you can free yourself of all other distractions."--saul bellow

I love just getting away. Dancing all day really does make everything better. I was at rehearsal today sweating buckets (gross, I'm sorry), and just working so hard for everything. I was even having a good turning day. And I was hoping to wear a pair of heels after a couple of hours in pointe shoes (how rare). Today's rehearsal was great, but we hit a bump in the road. Our ballet mistress totally messed up the patternings in Snow, and when Pedro saw it today, he was not happy. He had to rearrange everyone, and everyone was in a different spot than they were before. We spent an extra hour on Snow because of this. It was a big bump to hit, but good thing we tackled it now than later. It would've been so much worse if we had to fix it later. But we also finished Marzipan. We're trying to polish it up as much as we can before our performance in two weeks (Nov. 7). We know all the steps, now it's all about artistry. My favourite part!

We saved the kickline for last tonight, and I was so excited to do it again! The music this year (since it changed) is so much faster + more upbeat. I think it will be even better than last year! We got some really sassy girls on our kickline this year, so I think it'll be even hotter. I saved Pedro's booty today by giving him the video from last year (the one I posted on YouTube--that I had to take down...oops). And he was really happy to have some of the old choreo in there. Wouldn't want that genious to go to waste! I love these long days because by the end of them, I always feel a sense of accomplishment. What a great feeling. You know what else I love? Walking around the mall, and then seeing my company's advertising display in one of the display windows. I love pointing out which pictures I'm in and letting everyone that passes by know that I'm in the company and that they should come see the shows.

The next few weeks + couple of months is going to be the greatest time of my life. It's all I'm looking forward to at this point. I'm not worried about anything anymore except what color lipstick I'm going to wear and when I'll have time to sew a new pair of pointe shoes. Things are really picking up right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've got the greatest friends around me and happiest legs below me. Why would I let any of that go to waste?

Today was a distraction. Just getting away from the things that were really eating me away. Today I felt so full + alive. I had spirit today. Nothing was pulling me down. But then when I walked out of rehearsal, fatigue hit me. All that lost energy finally caught up to me, and I was tired. I was tired from dancing. I was tired from the stress. I was tired from the hurt. then I started to space off, and it's like my mind always wants to think of you no matter what my heart is feeling. Because I thought of you on the way home, and it was all good until I remembered that you were spending the entire weekend with the other girl. Seeing you kiss her in the same places I love to be kissed. Hearing the same songs we listened to in your car. Hearing you tell her the same things you whispered in my ears. And I cried.

But I love the people in this world because I've gotten texts and Myspace comments from people asking me if I'm alright. They have been checking up on my blog + Twitter, and they're concerned. I love people. All of you have the greatest karma right now, I just know it. Don't ever change. For anyone.

Friday, October 23, 2009

"good friends are like stars. you don't always see them, but they're always there."

"you need someone who appreciates your worth so much more than his own."

My best friend/4am friend, Dylan, always tells it how it is, and she always knows what to say. I can honestly say that I would not be here if it weren't for her. She's done so much for me, and she's such an inspiration. I hate not having her around all the time, but she's out there living her life and going towards her dream. She's going to go far.
Today I was crying to her about him. About how much he has hurt me, and that I can't help but close myself off to everyone now. She responded with:

"Keep your eyes open because you never know what can happen."

Like I said, she always knows what to say. Dylan then continued on to say how it's natural to feel like there's no hope. Like there's nothing else to do but close yourself off away from everyone and everything. She has the highest hopes for me. Even higher than I have for myself. That's when you know you have a great friend. When you have a friend that cares about you more than you care about yourself, that's a friendship that you should never ever let go of. She has the highest hopes of me finding a boy. A nice boy. Dylan compared having a relationship to like having a pas de deux partner. When you have a pas de deux partner, he has to be strong enough to carry you and carry himself. He has to have the courtesy to always offer his helping hand. Most importantly, he has to make the girl look good. He must always make the girl look good before he can look good. And I agree so much with Dylan on this. All this time, I feel like all the boys I've been with have dated me to make themselves look good. To say that they've got a good looking girl on their arm or just to say that they have a girlfriend. All the boys I've been with aren't even strong enough to know what they're going to do with themselves, and I'm a very independent girl. I can't have a boy that can't even take care of himself, when I, on the other hand, take care of myself all the time.

Tonight, I spent my night on a date with my daddy. We went out to dinner and had some good laughs. We walked around Barnes + Noble talking in Portuguese. (By the way, I found Marc Johns' book tonight! I love it, and I want it!) So who needs a boy when you've got a genuine man like your dad? It's about time that I stop looking and just go with the flow. I'm wasting so much energy and emotion on something that isn't worth it.

Then I went to the football game where I spent the night screaming and smiling and laughing with a bunch of good friends. All my friends wanted me to do was have a good time. They made sure that I was happy and not thinking about him. But how hard is it to ignore someone that is right in front of you yelling and screaming the same things and flexing every muscle in his body at the same time? How hard is it to know that every person on those stands and out on the field have no idea about us? And how much I'm hurt? And how much of liar and cheater he is? It's the hardest thing to let everything pass by as if nothing happened. Like a huge hurricane had just passed through and no one noticing it. Impossible. And how hard is it to know that he walked out of the stadium arm in arm with the other girl? I felt so bad for my friends to deal with me and my broken heart tonight. But I'm making a promise right now that that's not going to happen anymore. I'm going to be that girl that will be strong enough to wear a real smile on her face no matter what's going on in the inside. I am that girl.
Tomorrow is a full day of rehearsal. Starting off with Snow probably and ending with the Santa Kicks. We're changing the music this year to "Jingle Bell Rock" (classic). I can't wait for the new choreography to be mixed into the old. Plus, there are new girls in the line, so they'll have fun being perky and kicking beside us! I know I've said this a million times, but I love feeling like Rockette doing this dance! I can't help but imagine that I'm just like those perfect girls with the eye high kicks and cute bevels.

I'd like to close this post with one last thing that Dylan said today:

"As dancers we're always looking for emotion."

So true.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

"how to fix a broken heart" for dummies.

Marc Johns is one of my favourite artists. I discovered him + his work a few months ago.
Pure brilliance.

Sometimes I wish there was a how-to guide on how to fix a broken heart. I wish it was a simple little book with simple instructions. Stitch here. Glue there. Dry here. Tape there. It would seem so much easier if it was laid out in front of you. Easy as reading a book.

But there isn't. We're supposed to make our own instructional book on how to fix a broken heart. We have to find the things that will mend a little cut here or a scratch there. The greater the things, the faster and quicker you'll heal.

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I undressed and felt the cold, autumn temperature on my skin. It numbed my toes. The hair on my arms and legs stood straight up. I shivered. I'm always cold, and I hate being cold. But I just continued to go to bed shivering and teeth chattering. I laid on my bed just wrapped up in my sheets. I whimpered and cried as I listened to songs such as "Sort Of" (by Ingrid Michaelson), "Nicest Thing" (by Kate Nash), and "Sleep" (by The Dandy Warhols). I felt so cold and weak and tired. But it felt so much better than what I was feeling in my heart. For what I felt in my heart was emptiness. Not the kind of emptiness that can easily be filled. An emptiness that is tender and the wind blows dust and dirt into the little holes. The saltiness of the oceans sting the wounds.

I still find it unbelievable for a 16 year old to experience this kind of heartbreak. But I always thought that I was born a few years too late. I feel like I'm a much older person because of the way I think and the way I act. And especially for what I've been through. But it happens.

I just wish that it didn't have to hurt like this.

I can't help but what wonder what I'm supposed to do about the other girl. She's just there. In my place when I'm not. At this point, I feel so bad for her. She has no clue about me. And she has no clue how much of a liar and hurtful person that boy is. And I just know how she feels right now. She feels like the world stops when they're together. She wishes that days won't end because it's just an endless possibility of time they could spend together. She loves everything he hates about himself. She hates every little thing that makes her fall more in love with him, but she wishes he won't stop. She smiles at and treasure all his little mannerisms. He's the last thing on her mind before she goes to sleep. She saves his text messages so she can read them on a rainy day. She listens to their songs and can't help but dance. She doesn't want tomorrow to come, but she's ready for the future with him.

This is how I felt.
And this is how I feel right now.
And he doesn't know what to do.
So all he can say is "sorry".
I don't believe it for a second.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

oh my gosh, i'm turning into you....

I've been walking around with these thoughts in my head and this feeling in my pants that only you know about. The things that have been coming out of my mouth sound cocky and arrogant like you. I look "hot" because I want you to notice and boost my ego. The way I try to make myself look ridiculously cool is only something you do. I've been nothing but a complete bitch to you, until now that I want something. Only something you would want. No strings attached.

I loved you. And now that I don't love you. I've become you. Maybe in hopes that I won't forget you. But I hate what you are, and now I've hate what I've become. You are someone that will never show what they're feeling. You are someone that will never know because you don't give love a chance. It's because you hide behind this mask of humungous ego and masses of muscle. Now all I'm doing is hiding behind a mask of happiness and "hottness" to cover up the fact that I'm completely heartbroken and torn apart from you.

Maybe that's why I feel like I need you now more than ever. Maybe I feel as if you can fix things with just a little heat from your fingertips. Just a little kiss. Just a little moment where I think you love me. And I wake up knowing that you don't.

I think that I slowly became you just to make you feel comfortable. Just to make you feel like there's nothing you can hide from me. To make you feel like there shouldn't be any secrets. Just us. The same exact person.

"Temptation is the fire that brings up the scum of the heart."--William Shakespeare

You tempted me. I fell. I tempted you. You fell. When we're tired of tempting each other, we get tired of falling for it. It wouldn't be called temptation if we weren't meant to want to give into it as humans. We all have desires, and those temptations seem like they're satisfy those desires. But they only bring you down further. I've learned that they can change you into a completely different person. I'm not going to change into a completely different person just because you wanted me to or because it eventually happened as a result of you.

Maybe the old layer of my heart was better.
This newer layer (although new + fresh) feels dirtier with a different purpose.
Maybe I was better off wearing my broken heart on my face.


PS. Thanks again, Nicole, for sending me those links! You were right! I spent probably an hour or two just flipping through the pictures. Thanks for the new addiction.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

sans limites.

"my motto: sans limites (without limits)."--isadora duncan

I don't want to live my life with limits anymore. No more boundaries to tell me where I can't go. To tell me where to stop.
Lately I've been feeling like there are so many things just blocking me off from what I truly want to do. And I've been letting those things just stop me. Lately I've been feeling like my life has just come to a complete stop. Just doing the same thing everyday. Not moving on. Not moving forward. I want nothing more than to move on. I want nothing more than to keep on moving. To be free from this same old same old. I'm not going to let little things prevent me from taking big steps. Not anymore.

Remember last year during Nutcracker season when I was casted for a kickline for a show called Holiday Pops? Well, we're doing that kickline again, and I'm so happy that I'm casted for it again. It was so fun, and I couldn't help but giggle and squeal at the fact that I was kicking away just like Keltie, Nicole, and the rest of the gorgeous Rockettes. I put the video up on YouTube, and Keltie even watched it and gave us some pointers! Unfortunately, I had to take those videos down earlier this year by the request of my director. Now, he tells me that he might need the video that I took because he doesn't remember the choreo, and if he can't remember, we'll have to rechoreograph the entire thing! I'm digging through files upon files that I've got on my computer to find that video because that choreo was just so cute and amazing. We're staying an extra hour at this weekend's rehearsal to get the choreo started. Our first performance of the kickline is November 7th! Starting a bit late? I think so. But we can do it.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but the performance that I was supposed to do on October 31st is now cancelled. Pedro went to look at the space where we were supposed to dance, and he said that it was 1. EXTREMELY small to dance in 2. worse than concrete. Dancing in a velvet black dress + Tina Turner wig on a small concrete space does not sound very fun to me.

i'd like to show you these streets.
i'd like to go to new york with you.
i'd like to wrap my arms around you and say that i hope so too.
when you say, "yes, i think that everything is gonna be all right someday, somehow."

Monday, October 19, 2009

i need to get out of the bad habit of looking for you.

I took a little time off for myself. To let this new layer of myself shine on through. To let this new layer of my heart see something different. It felt good to just get away and think about things. And to not think of you.

This weekend was a very fulfilling weekend. We ran Snow just about 8 times in about 20 minutes. I would say that's a record for us as a company. Even just teaching snow in one day was a new record. It's so exciting, and all we have to do now is clean clean clean! We're just about halfway through Marzipan/Mirlitons (people call them so many different things! These are the only 2 that I've known to call them). And I learned my first 2 entrances for Dewdrop. This Nutcracker season is going to be a great one; I can tell. Everyone has parts that they're happy with and challenging enough. Everyone is working so hard for the parts that they have. Final casting is going up in a couple of weeks, and either way, I'm going to be happy with what I have because I'm working so hard right now.
Next month is crazy for the company. We have a performance just about every weekend next month! I love it! I feel like I've got a real dancing job...but of course a real dancing job would have a show almost every night as well as maybe 2 or 3 shows a day. Now that. That would be fun.

I got a new iTouch this weekend. And I paid for it in cash! I think the man that got it for me thinks that I'm crazy + awesome at the same time for doing that. I seriously love this thing. It's so fun to play with, and the apps are all so addicting! And you guys know me too well; the first app I got was Twitterific! I definitely like it more than the txt updates. I can see everyone's tweets and the @ replies that I get! Definitely a plus because I love to see what you guys think about what I tweet!

I made this fearless heart my wallpaper to remind me what this new layer of my heart is here to do. It's here to start all over. A clean slate of nothing but a new idea of hopes and dreams. It's almost perfect. But I just feel like that it will just get scratched up again...

I fell back into that trap today. I think you did too. Walking through the halls, my eyes immediately start shifting around for the closest sign of you. Will I ever stop doing that? It's such a bad habit. You noticed that I didn't talk to you. How does it feel? How does it feel to be looked over like you don't exist? Even though it felt good to know that you wanted to talk to me, I just can't let myself fall into that trap again. That's another bad habit.

It takes 21 days to make or break a habit.
But I feel like I can't go on that long without you....

"the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them."--ernest hemingway

Friday, October 16, 2009

braces on my heart.

"healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."--Tori Amos

Yesterday I finally got my braces off! I could not stop smiling all day long! I just love this new smile, and it's given me a new confidence. It was still a bit hard to walk around beaming (especially around you) when it feels so dark on the inside. But I've never seen or felt myself this happy in a long time. It's been a long time since I've been smiling this much and talking this much and just being happy. I want to stay like this for a good time. I need it.

Getting my braces off made me realize that your mouth is like your heart. Especially when you have braces.
Everyone has a mouth. And throughout your life, you have keep eating and feeding it (even though your food does eventually end up in your stomach, let's just say you feed your mouth first, kay?) to stay alive. Everyone has a different mouth. Different sized teeth. Different shaped lips. Different lengths of tongues. Your teeth aren't perfect, so you decide to get braces. You get braces because you want to improve your smile, right? To straighten things out and get everything aligned. When you have braces, there are rules. You can't eat certain things. You have to wear your rubberbands to make sure everything gets aligned correctly. And along the way, you get cuts + sores in your mouth. You accidentally bump yourself in the mouth and get a cut on your cheek. Your teeth move, and the brackets make sores on the insides of your lip. They hurt when you eat. When you talk. When you smile. But in the end, you have to think about how beautiful + gorgeous your smile will be after you get them off. Through the whole process, you just keep telling yourself that it's all for the best.

Falling in love and having a growing heart is exactly the same. Everyone has a heart. You have to constantly feed it love and happiness to keep it alive and working. Everyone's heart works differently. Some use it more than others. Some are bigger than others. But you feel like your heart isn't complete. Not perfect. So you find that there's a solution to your broken heart or you find something that will make yourself happier in the end. You think that it will all just be fine + dandy, but there are rules. You can't let yourself fall too fast. You can't give all of your heart without knowing that you're getting loved in return. Regardless of if you follow the rules or not, you're going to get cuts and sores along the way. There is going to be a little bump in the road that will cut right through your heart. Things are changing around you, and in your heart, and it makes new open sores on your heart. It hurts to eat. To talk. To smile. But you just keep telling yourself that it's all for the best. That in the end, you'll be gorgeous and happy. That in the end, all you'll want to do is smile because you're so damn happy.

You get your braces off, and you run your tongue along your teeth. Along your cheeks. Your teeth so smooth and different. You feel the scars left from the cuts and sores left from the braces. You're reminded of the long process it took to make your smile so beautiful. You remember all appointments you made to get things adjusted and fitted properly. Your teeth look so straight and perfect. They don't even feel like your own teeth. It's like a new set of teeth. A new you. You think to yourself that it was all worth it.

You wake up one day. Everything you feel in your heart is suddenly different. You feel the scars from the last time you hit a little bump or a big one. You're reminded of what you've been through. The dates you went on. The nights you spent in their arms kissing them and everything felt so perfect. You felt everything moving and changing for the better. You're reminded of the nights you spent crying yourself to sleep. The days you had to pull yourself out of bed to get through the day. Your heart looks so different now. Like a new layer. It looks so perfect. It doesn't even feel like your own heart anymore. It's like a fresh new start. A new fresh layer of your heart to start working on. A new heart. You just keep telling yourself that it was all worth it.

Now smile.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

journey's end

"journeys end in lovers meeting."--william shakespeare

I'm a strong believer in "things happen for a reason". Sometimes we're meant to be happy. Sometimes we're meant to be broken to pieces.
Good things must come to an end, and this is ours.
I'm going to spend the next few months erasing everything. The words. The touches. The whispers. The memories. The feelings. It's not going to be easy, but it's all going to be gone given a matter of time. It will be like you never existed in my mind. You will try to reminisce, but I will just ignore you.

You will regret ever fucking with me. While I, on the other hand, will not regret anything. I don't regret the time we spent together. I don't regret the feelings I had for you. I don't regret all those kisses. I don't regret all those songs we listened + danced to. I don't regret anything. You will never know what real love is because you are such a coward. You scum. You slime. You will never know how much of my heart I've given you because you're so arrogant. You will never know what I look like on the inside because you won't take off those tinted glasses. You will never know. Ever.

I'm not afraid of the future anymore because I know that it can only get better from here.
But what I am afraid of is finding someone else, or not finding someone else. I'm afraid that I will never find someone that will mend my heart enough for me to love them with all of it. I'm afraid that my ideas of love will change. I'm afraid that maybe, I won't find love.

I need a nice boy.
"the courses of true love never did run smooth."--william shakespeare

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

please please please just get out of my head.

I don't know how I managed to do it for so long.
But I managed to love someone with all my heart that didn't love me back.
I don't know how I made it through without giving up, but I've made it this far.
And I'm done.

He had another girl behind the curtain.
Another girl that rides in that passenger seat listening to our music. Another girl to tell him how amazing he is.
I feel so stupid + used. My heart hurts, and it's throwing you and our memories away.

But you just won't get out of my head! Why do I still feel like I should give you a chance? Why do I feel like it's not what I think it is?
It's exactly what I think it is, and I need to get back to reality.
My eyes are leaking because I know that I deserve better. I don't know why I thought that this was anything close to love. It was nothing like it.

I've given you everything, and I hear the truth.

Well here's another piece of truth:
I'm done with you.

Please don't talk to me. Get out of my life. Walk away & don't look back.
Just please. You've done enough to me and this little body. Just please......................................
Photo by: Toru Aoki

Monday, October 12, 2009

between the two of us, i'm still the bigger person.

"i wore a mask, and my face grew to fit it."--from Shooting an Elephant by George Orwell

For the longest time, I tried to be the bigger person.
Be strong enough to walk away when I needed to. Be wise enough to not let certain things happen. And for the longest time, I still thought that you always won the battle. You always came out of it as the bigger and stronger person. But this weekend, I realized that I'm actually the bigger person here.

You've put all your fears inside me. You cast all those fears of commitment and attachment away so that I can deal with it. But you know what? I have fears of my own and having your fears + mine are too much for my little body to handle. But you know what else? It's making me stronger. I still haven't figured out if putting your fears in me is a good thing or a bad thing, but it's definitely made me a stronger person. I have enough courage for two people because you have none left. You're only putting on a show now, and I have to wear all the strength on my face + deal with all the weight of fears on my shoulders. I've learned to deal with my (+ your) fears and your regret. I've learned to deal with the secrets and the lies.

I can't take it anymore.
Either you're going to have to start being the courageous person I think you are and make this better or I'm just going to have to walk away. Because I can't take it anymore.
There's a trend with us. You use your charm. I fall for it, or at least pretend to. We have our fun. Then we don't talk for a while. Then we start from step one. The cycle starts all over again. But that's where we fall. We know the trend. I know your charm. You know the way my knees get all wobbly for when I fall for it. I know the way you grab my hand and act so smooth. You don't know that I get upset when we don't talk.
You can use that charm on me anyday, but if you can't be tenacious enough to tell me to my face that you want me, then it's not worth it.

I figured out why he doesn't love me.
It's because he's scared.
And it's because he's put the chance to love me away in me so that he knows when he has to walk away, he'll leave it behind and not have to worry about it ever again.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

i wish, i wish, i wish

"they were just two jerks playing with matches 'cause that's all they knew how to play."

Last night, I had a dream that you loved me.
It's just another one to add to the list of dreams I want to come true. But maybe not at the top.
I always find myself wishing for things that I can never have. I keep thinking that if I wish or pray hard enough it will happen. But I've found out that if you give up on something, it's more likely to come true. I don't know why it works out that way. Maybe the universe is trying to surprise us or something. It's never easy to give up on something that you want to so bad that it hurts. The hurt is what makes you want to keep going because it makes the whole situation feel "worth it". But "worth it" doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself in the process. Is getting stabbed in the back + getting your heart broken sound worth it to you?
I know it's not easy to give up. It wasn't easy for me. It hurt so much to want it so bad. To want something that I couldn't have. And it hurt to give up. To let go knowing that it might never come true...but what really happened is that it came true when I least expected it. It came true at the moment when I didn't need him, but he came after me anyways. Exactly what I wanted to happen. Exactly what I thought couldn't happen.

I'm not saying that this happens in every situation. I'm just trying to figure out why he doesn't love me...

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."--Mother Teresa

Saturday, October 10, 2009

happy birthday to me!

it's amazing how some things just don't change.

I am sixteen today! I sure don't feel like it, but I'm so glad to finally be able to say that I'm sixteen. I feel like that I should say a lot of philosophical stuff about growing up and getting older, but all I can say right now is that I love my life. I have the best family, the greatest friends, and a passion that I will make my life.

I spent most of my birthday at rehearsal. I forced myself to go through the entire warm up class while coughing + wheezing. It really surprised people how much I wanted to be there. I was surprised that I didn't show up all week as much as I wanted to, I couldn't. But today's rehearsal was just wonderful. We finished snow, and we even started working on Marzipan. I really forced myself through rehearsal, but there were a few times that I just knew that my body would thank me later if I sat out for a bit. My mother surprised me at rehearsal with a huge box of cupcakes for me to share with the girls. I knew that the girls appreciated some food after a long day of rehearsal.

Then, my family took me out to my favourite restaurant: this fabulous Mediterranean place called Isaac's. The piano man played me happy birthday. I ate my heart out + drank so much diet coke I think I might explode. I've gotten a ton of money for my birthday.

Now that I'm sixteen and ready to start being an "adult", I'm going to take all this birthday money, open up myself an account, and the first thing I'm going to buy is a ticket to see the Rockettes this Christmas season!


does this girl look sixteen to you?

Friday, October 09, 2009


"so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be."--from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

This is my life.
I'm in this constant battle of trying to figure out how I can be such a happy person but have such sad stories to tell. It just doesn't make sense to me. I love having fun, and I'm a fun person to be with. But I've also had my heart broken, and I've spent nights where I just cry myself to sleep. Maybe we're not meant to be one or the other.
I'm Bria.
And these are my perks.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

it's getting harder + harder to breathe

When you pretend you don't notice me or don't txt me back, I just figure that you're doing the same thing. Don't worry about it. We should get used to it.

I found out that I'm doing the Kickin' Kringles dance again this year! I love this dance so much because it makes me feel like a Rockette. I always think of Kelts + Nicole kicking away in rehearsal during this time of the year, and I'll be able to be kicking along with them again this year! I also found out that I'm doing so much. Pedro is giving me so many chances to prove myself, and I couldn't be more thankful. I have so many performances and shows coming up that I don't know if I'll ever have a social life again, ha! But I'm extremely excited for what's coming up for me and the company. It might seem like too much, but to me, it's a dream come true!
My next show is on October 31st! Halloween! I'm doing the pas de deux that I did with John at the MoTown show. I really hope that I get to wear that wig again. Also, Nutcracker rehearsals for the company start this weekend. I'm going to be learning Marzipan for the show we're doing with the city's youth symphony coming up next month!

There is so much coming up for us, and I don't want to reveal it all! But don't worry because I will keep you all updated!


Wednesday, October 07, 2009

"i can't wait to see you again."
Photo by: Charlie Youle

The past few days, I've been bed ridden with a high high fever + bronchitis.
I've been hacking up a lung and panting in a cold sweat. I've been sleeping away the aches and drinking + inhaling the pain away. I put so much stress on my little body this weekend, that it's going to take twice as long to get better. I learned the hard way. But I'm going to use this time to take extra good care of myself. I need it.

When I was laying in bed, sniffling, coughing, and wheezing, I read some more of my old diaries. Many of them made me laugh. I was an immature little girl. I'm a lot better now, but I can't say that I've changed very much. There were entries that made me cry because of how sad I used to be. I cried for how hopelessly hopeful I was. And I still am hopelessly hopeful. That's the one thing that hasn't changed. I wrote so much about that boy in Algebra II class, and now I just laugh + am just so thankful that I'm finally "his". I'm telling all of you this now: don't give up on that boy you'll always like. He'll come around. Just be hopeful, and be yourself. It doesn't get any easier than that. He sent me a sweet sweet txt message yesterday as I was coloring in my Hello Kitty coloring book. He first asked, "Are you alive?". Once I told him that I was barely living and that I'll probably be back by Thursday, he said, "Ok cool. I can't wait to see you again." The smallest things. The tiniest things. Make me smile. And he has no idea.

I forgot to mention in my last post about how much I love my best friend. My best friend, Courtney, was my alternate for falling off the train backwards. She fell off the train the first show, and when we were sitting there waiting for her cue, she began to panic. Her breathing was scattered, and I could feel the fear coming off of her skin. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. I said, "Breathe. Hold yourself. They'll catch you." She nodded, and she got up to do it. When you have a best friend that you can hold hands with when you're the most scared, you know you're safe. You have to find the friends that will hold your hand right before you fall. Find the friends that you can tell that they're there for you without having to look them in the eye. You just know. I love my best friends. And they love me.


Sunday, October 04, 2009

the aftermath.

"i remember it was wet and the swelt and the sweat."

Yesterday was an amazing day for me.
I had two awesome performances and a Homecoming dance to go to.
I was still feeling like crap, but I still went on with the show. I was literally coughing up a lung, and I had to hold in a million coughs while I was onstage. My body ached from the fevers that would not cease no matter how many Advils I took...and I thought for a second: is this show biz? Having to go onstage and having to be fullout even if you're extremely ill? I don't really mind though because I was really forcing myself and forcing my body to do things it didn't want to do. It really didn't matter to me if I was coughing up a storm or not backstage. I wanted to be there, and I wanted to dance. Fullout. I can't say "fearless" though because I was so afraid that I would crack right there onstage. That I would just fall apart and cough, but I didn't. I think it's because I told myself that I was fearless even though I wasn't. The universe works in strange ways that way.

The first show went well, but one of the "trains" crashed into the wall and everyone on it got whiplash. My head hit the piece of wood in front of me, and I came out of it with a battle wound (a little scratch on my cheek). I think that the 2nd show went a lot better though. For everyone. Although, I wasn't focusing at all the 2nd show. All I could think about was going to Homecoming. When the curtain went down, I literally ripped the costume off as I ran backstage, and threw myself together. I was in pointe shoes all day long, and then I put on a pair of bright blue suede 4 inch heels. I don't know how I did it! I was just so excited, and I was so rushed...I didn't get any pictures! I'm so stupid...It's definitely something you can't recreate. And I definitely can't go back, rewind, and snap a few pics just for memory. Oh well...
I did feel like Keltie though. Going to after parties after a show of Peep. I felt so glamorous + sexy. I was ready to hit that dancefloor and keep dancing all night long!
Homecoming was a lot of fun, and since I didn't have a date I did whatever I wanted. I danced with everyone that I knew and didn't know. The past two years of homecoming were really awful for me. Probably because I was hanging with the wrong crowd. This year, I have a great group of friends that put up with my crazy dancing and insane partyboy-ing. I just had a blast. I even shared a dance with you like we promised each other. It was a lot of fun, and you looked great in all that sweat. They played "Thriller" at the very end, and I couldn't help but pull out the dance on everyone. It was a great night.

Tonight I found a couple of old diaries that I used to write in. I used to write in a diary every night, but then I got a blog and I stopped doing that because I put all that I ever needed to say on this blog. It's really strange how things work out. That's all I can say. Two years ago, I was a freshman. I wrote about a sophmore boy in my Algebra II class that I thought was the most gorgeous boy in school. I wrote about how I thought it was love-at-first-sight and that he had a girlfriend. I wrote about how I never talked to him, but I still thought that he was the most amazing thing ever. I wrote about how I would wait for him. No matter how long it would take. This is just a part of what I wrote one night:

"Jared [my bff's boyfriend at the time] told me to pray to God to send me someone that will treat me right. Jared said that God does amazing things if you just have faith. So, last night I prayed that (he) will see something in me and that I'll wait for him to get me...when I see him with another girl, I can't help but smile & imagine that that might be me someday...Maybe this is what it does to you. Makes you a little scatterbrained?"

This entry made me cry and laugh at the same time. I did wait. But just until the end of freshman year.
This is now: He did get me. I am the other girl. I did wait, but now I feel like I'm still waiting. I feel like my dreams only came halfway true. I still can't believe that I'm "his" right now. I never imagined it in a million years. I'm not sure if I love him that much anymore.

"I hope things work out for you."
"What things? I have no things to work out."

Friday, October 02, 2009


"i owe you a plaid skirt. it's in my car."

Today was the day to show our school spirit!! I did some awesome two-toned eye makeup that made me feel like Lady Gaga. Our school is so awesome when it comes to school spirit. There are people that paint their whole body blue + gold. So rad. The pep rally was extremely fun. There was a dance off for one of the class competitions, and I kinda wish they had picked me because I would've killed it, ha! I think the best part was the Powderpuff cheerleaders. The juniors (my class) had the best Powderpuff cheerleaders. Those boys were really shakin' their junk, ha!
But I also loved seeing you running around the gym with a Titan costume on getting the whole school excited for the game tonight. It was funny seeing you in a blonde wig and in a Catholic girl's skirt. You are something else...and I love it.

Tonight I actually got to dance in dress rehearsal. I think all of your prayers worked. I'm feeling a lot better, but I'm still having an awful cough + the fever will not go away. The fact that I'm feeling better is good enough for me. I just need my body to follow. I'm chugging this huge jug of Pomegranate juice. I actually finished the whole thing, ha! And I think it's really helping. So if you're ever feeling under the weather, drink some pomegranate or acai berry juice. It'll get all those toxins out of your body. Anyways, the rehearsal went well. I think we're as ready as we'll ever be, and I always believe that miracles happen in the theatre. I truly do. Maybe tomorrow I won't have to run offstage to cough up my lung. Maybe tomorrow I won't run out of breath just a few steps into the dance. Maybe tomorrow Courtney's toe won't hurt anymore. Miracles happen in magical places. Especially the theatre.

After rehearsal, I jetted off to the Homecoming game to catch the last quarter. When I got there we were winning, but I just got there in time to see the other team score. So, we lost. For the fourth time in a row, we've lost our Homecoming game. And I thought that we were good this season...oh well. I still love seeing you in that Titan costume. It makes you look even more stronger than you are. If that's even possible.

Tomorrow I'll be off to both of the shows + the homecoming dance! It's going to be one hectic day! My feet will be yelling at me, but I don't care.

I wish I could've gone to get ice cream with you tonight.
See you tomorrow on the dancefloor.

Thursday, October 01, 2009


"i like that confidence."

I had fun being a flamingo today on Animal Day. I wore an old pair of pointe shoes all day and whenever someone asked me what I was, I got up en pointe and strutted around like a flamingo. I was missing a pink feather boa, and I should've asked Keltie to let me borrow hers from when she was Lil' P, but it didn't even hit me until after I had gotten all dressed in pink. There were a load of great costumes today. I'm so glad that I dressed up all week. Next year, my senior year, I'm gonna go all out. So excited!

I won't lie. I was miserable today. I kind of forced myself to go to school to make myself think that I was feeling better. However, I ended up getting a fever later on in the day. It didn't help much that I was at school all day. I continued off to rehearsal, but I didn't dance. I used the opportunity to watch for some corrections + get some photography in. I even got my hair done so that they have an idea of what to do with it for the next couple of days. Mark is so amazing with hair. He says, "The hair speaks to me." Just tell him that you want something pretty, he'll make it gorgeous. Tell him you want something glamorous yet simple, he'll give you something red carpet worthy. So amazing. He made my hair tonight into a "hair bow". I love it.
It was different being in the audience for the first night of dress rehearsal. Definitely a place I don't want to be in right now, but it's better that I'm there now rather than Saturday. I began to feel better as the night went on, and now I'm just exhausted. I'm ready for bed, and I'm ready to rest up for Saturday.

Today is also Pedro's birthday.
He has done so much for me. When I was disappointed in myself thinking that I couldn't do anything, he gave me private lessons to help me work on the little things. I improved so much after that. He challenged me by giving me parts that I thought I couldn't handle, but he pushed me to the point where I wasn't even afraid to dance it in the streets. He has done so much for us as a company. He brings out the best in everyone, and he brings a smile to everyone's face. He makes sure everyone is happy. He has a mind of imagination + brilliance and an eye for greatness. Thank you for everything, Pedro.

"life is beautiful. music is beautiful. pedro is beautiful!"