"i remember it was wet and the swelt and the sweat."
Yesterday was an amazing day for me.
I had two awesome performances and a Homecoming dance to go to.
I was still feeling like crap, but I still went on with the show. I was literally coughing up a lung, and I had to hold in a million coughs while I was onstage. My body ached from the fevers that would not cease no matter how many Advils I took...and I thought for a second: is this show biz? Having to go onstage and having to be fullout even if you're extremely ill? I don't really mind though because I was really forcing myself and forcing my body to do things it didn't want to do. It really didn't matter to me if I was coughing up a storm or not backstage. I wanted to be there, and I wanted to dance. Fullout. I can't say "fearless" though because I was so afraid that I would crack right there onstage. That I would just fall apart and cough, but I didn't. I think it's because I told myself that I was fearless even though I wasn't. The universe works in strange ways that way.
The first show went well, but one of the "trains" crashed into the wall and everyone on it got whiplash. My head hit the piece of wood in front of me, and I came out of it with a battle wound (a little scratch on my cheek). I think that the 2nd show went a lot better though. For everyone. Although, I wasn't focusing at all the 2nd show. All I could think about was going to Homecoming. When the curtain went down, I literally ripped the costume off as I ran backstage, and threw myself together. I was in pointe shoes all day long, and then I put on a pair of bright blue suede 4 inch heels. I don't know how I did it! I was just so excited, and I was so rushed...I didn't get any pictures! I'm so stupid...It's definitely something you can't recreate. And I definitely can't go back, rewind, and snap a few pics just for memory. Oh well...
I did feel like Keltie though. Going to after parties after a show of Peep. I felt so glamorous + sexy. I was ready to hit that dancefloor and keep dancing all night long!
Homecoming was a lot of fun, and since I didn't have a date I did whatever I wanted. I danced with everyone that I knew and didn't know. The past two years of homecoming were really awful for me. Probably because I was hanging with the wrong crowd. This year, I have a great group of friends that put up with my crazy dancing and insane partyboy-ing. I just had a blast. I even shared a dance with you like we promised each other. It was a lot of fun, and you looked great in all that sweat. They played "Thriller" at the very end, and I couldn't help but pull out the dance on everyone. It was a great night.
Tonight I found a couple of old diaries that I used to write in. I used to write in a diary every night, but then I got a blog and I stopped doing that because I put all that I ever needed to say on this blog. It's really strange how things work out. That's all I can say. Two years ago, I was a freshman. I wrote about a sophmore boy in my Algebra II class that I thought was the most gorgeous boy in school. I wrote about how I thought it was love-at-first-sight and that he had a girlfriend. I wrote about how I never talked to him, but I still thought that he was the most amazing thing ever. I wrote about how I would wait for him. No matter how long it would take. This is just a part of what I wrote one night:
"Jared [my bff's boyfriend at the time] told me to pray to God to send me someone that will treat me right. Jared said that God does amazing things if you just have faith. So, last night I prayed that (he) will see something in me and that I'll wait for him to get me...when I see him with another girl, I can't help but smile & imagine that that might be me someday...Maybe this is what it does to you. Makes you a little scatterbrained?"
This entry made me cry and laugh at the same time. I did wait. But just until the end of freshman year.
This is now: He did get me. I am the other girl. I did wait, but now I feel like I'm still waiting. I feel like my dreams only came halfway true. I still can't believe that I'm "his" right now. I never imagined it in a million years. I'm not sure if I love him that much anymore.
"I hope things work out for you."
"What things? I have no things to work out."