Monday, October 12, 2009

between the two of us, i'm still the bigger person.

"i wore a mask, and my face grew to fit it."--from Shooting an Elephant by George Orwell

For the longest time, I tried to be the bigger person.
Be strong enough to walk away when I needed to. Be wise enough to not let certain things happen. And for the longest time, I still thought that you always won the battle. You always came out of it as the bigger and stronger person. But this weekend, I realized that I'm actually the bigger person here.

You've put all your fears inside me. You cast all those fears of commitment and attachment away so that I can deal with it. But you know what? I have fears of my own and having your fears + mine are too much for my little body to handle. But you know what else? It's making me stronger. I still haven't figured out if putting your fears in me is a good thing or a bad thing, but it's definitely made me a stronger person. I have enough courage for two people because you have none left. You're only putting on a show now, and I have to wear all the strength on my face + deal with all the weight of fears on my shoulders. I've learned to deal with my (+ your) fears and your regret. I've learned to deal with the secrets and the lies.

I can't take it anymore.
Either you're going to have to start being the courageous person I think you are and make this better or I'm just going to have to walk away. Because I can't take it anymore.
There's a trend with us. You use your charm. I fall for it, or at least pretend to. We have our fun. Then we don't talk for a while. Then we start from step one. The cycle starts all over again. But that's where we fall. We know the trend. I know your charm. You know the way my knees get all wobbly for when I fall for it. I know the way you grab my hand and act so smooth. You don't know that I get upset when we don't talk.
You can use that charm on me anyday, but if you can't be tenacious enough to tell me to my face that you want me, then it's not worth it.

I figured out why he doesn't love me.
It's because he's scared.
And it's because he's put the chance to love me away in me so that he knows when he has to walk away, he'll leave it behind and not have to worry about it ever again.


Alex said...

I would like to understand what your trying to say, but I've never been in this situation. BUT, there's always a but, BUT you are a really strong girl.

It was ur bday on saturday?! It was MY bday on Friday! OH!!! How exciting!!! Though im like a bit younger than you, just a bit. OH!! IT WAS UR BDAY! SO WAS MINE! Okay, Bria Ballerina, I will be quiet now and learn how to dance.
Love Always,

bria ballerina said...

I don't mean for anyone to understand what I'm talking about. I just write what I feel, and it's so strange how I am so strong, yet feel so weak. :/

Yes! It was my birthday! It was very exciting, and it was a fantastic day!
Happy birthday to you, Alex!!