"you need someone who appreciates your worth so much more than his own."
My best friend/4am friend, Dylan, always tells it how it is, and she always knows what to say. I can honestly say that I would not be here if it weren't for her. She's done so much for me, and she's such an inspiration. I hate not having her around all the time, but she's out there living her life and going towards her dream. She's going to go far.
Today I was crying to her about him. About how much he has hurt me, and that I can't help but close myself off to everyone now. She responded with:
"Keep your eyes open because you never know what can happen."
Like I said, she always knows what to say. Dylan then continued on to say how it's natural to feel like there's no hope. Like there's nothing else to do but close yourself off away from everyone and everything. She has the highest hopes for me. Even higher than I have for myself. That's when you know you have a great friend. When you have a friend that cares about you more than you care about yourself, that's a friendship that you should never ever let go of. She has the highest hopes of me finding a boy. A nice boy. Dylan compared having a relationship to like having a pas de deux partner. When you have a pas de deux partner, he has to be strong enough to carry you and carry himself. He has to have the courtesy to always offer his helping hand. Most importantly, he has to make the girl look good. He must always make the girl look good before he can look good. And I agree so much with Dylan on this. All this time, I feel like all the boys I've been with have dated me to make themselves look good. To say that they've got a good looking girl on their arm or just to say that they have a girlfriend. All the boys I've been with aren't even strong enough to know what they're going to do with themselves, and I'm a very independent girl. I can't have a boy that can't even take care of himself, when I, on the other hand, take care of myself all the time.
Tonight, I spent my night on a date with my daddy. We went out to dinner and had some good laughs. We walked around Barnes + Noble talking in Portuguese. (By the way, I found Marc Johns' book tonight! I love it, and I want it!) So who needs a boy when you've got a genuine man like your dad? It's about time that I stop looking and just go with the flow. I'm wasting so much energy and emotion on something that isn't worth it.
Then I went to the football game where I spent the night screaming and smiling and laughing with a bunch of good friends. All my friends wanted me to do was have a good time. They made sure that I was happy and not thinking about him. But how hard is it to ignore someone that is right in front of you yelling and screaming the same things and flexing every muscle in his body at the same time? How hard is it to know that every person on those stands and out on the field have no idea about us? And how much I'm hurt? And how much of liar and cheater he is? It's the hardest thing to let everything pass by as if nothing happened. Like a huge hurricane had just passed through and no one noticing it. Impossible. And how hard is it to know that he walked out of the stadium arm in arm with the other girl? I felt so bad for my friends to deal with me and my broken heart tonight. But I'm making a promise right now that that's not going to happen anymore. I'm going to be that girl that will be strong enough to wear a real smile on her face no matter what's going on in the inside. I am that girl.
Tomorrow is a full day of rehearsal. Starting off with Snow probably and ending with the Santa Kicks. We're changing the music this year to "Jingle Bell Rock" (classic). I can't wait for the new choreography to be mixed into the old. Plus, there are new girls in the line, so they'll have fun being perky and kicking beside us! I know I've said this a million times, but I love feeling like Rockette doing this dance! I can't help but imagine that I'm just like those perfect girls with the eye high kicks and cute bevels.
I'd like to close this post with one last thing that Dylan said today:
"As dancers we're always looking for emotion."