Thursday, October 22, 2009

"how to fix a broken heart" for dummies.

Marc Johns is one of my favourite artists. I discovered him + his work a few months ago.
Pure brilliance.

Sometimes I wish there was a how-to guide on how to fix a broken heart. I wish it was a simple little book with simple instructions. Stitch here. Glue there. Dry here. Tape there. It would seem so much easier if it was laid out in front of you. Easy as reading a book.

But there isn't. We're supposed to make our own instructional book on how to fix a broken heart. We have to find the things that will mend a little cut here or a scratch there. The greater the things, the faster and quicker you'll heal.

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I undressed and felt the cold, autumn temperature on my skin. It numbed my toes. The hair on my arms and legs stood straight up. I shivered. I'm always cold, and I hate being cold. But I just continued to go to bed shivering and teeth chattering. I laid on my bed just wrapped up in my sheets. I whimpered and cried as I listened to songs such as "Sort Of" (by Ingrid Michaelson), "Nicest Thing" (by Kate Nash), and "Sleep" (by The Dandy Warhols). I felt so cold and weak and tired. But it felt so much better than what I was feeling in my heart. For what I felt in my heart was emptiness. Not the kind of emptiness that can easily be filled. An emptiness that is tender and the wind blows dust and dirt into the little holes. The saltiness of the oceans sting the wounds.

I still find it unbelievable for a 16 year old to experience this kind of heartbreak. But I always thought that I was born a few years too late. I feel like I'm a much older person because of the way I think and the way I act. And especially for what I've been through. But it happens.

I just wish that it didn't have to hurt like this.

I can't help but what wonder what I'm supposed to do about the other girl. She's just there. In my place when I'm not. At this point, I feel so bad for her. She has no clue about me. And she has no clue how much of a liar and hurtful person that boy is. And I just know how she feels right now. She feels like the world stops when they're together. She wishes that days won't end because it's just an endless possibility of time they could spend together. She loves everything he hates about himself. She hates every little thing that makes her fall more in love with him, but she wishes he won't stop. She smiles at and treasure all his little mannerisms. He's the last thing on her mind before she goes to sleep. She saves his text messages so she can read them on a rainy day. She listens to their songs and can't help but dance. She doesn't want tomorrow to come, but she's ready for the future with him.

This is how I felt.
And this is how I feel right now.
And he doesn't know what to do.
So all he can say is "sorry".
I don't believe it for a second.

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