Sunday, October 11, 2009

i wish, i wish, i wish

"they were just two jerks playing with matches 'cause that's all they knew how to play."

Last night, I had a dream that you loved me.
It's just another one to add to the list of dreams I want to come true. But maybe not at the top.
I always find myself wishing for things that I can never have. I keep thinking that if I wish or pray hard enough it will happen. But I've found out that if you give up on something, it's more likely to come true. I don't know why it works out that way. Maybe the universe is trying to surprise us or something. It's never easy to give up on something that you want to so bad that it hurts. The hurt is what makes you want to keep going because it makes the whole situation feel "worth it". But "worth it" doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself in the process. Is getting stabbed in the back + getting your heart broken sound worth it to you?
I know it's not easy to give up. It wasn't easy for me. It hurt so much to want it so bad. To want something that I couldn't have. And it hurt to give up. To let go knowing that it might never come true...but what really happened is that it came true when I least expected it. It came true at the moment when I didn't need him, but he came after me anyways. Exactly what I wanted to happen. Exactly what I thought couldn't happen.

I'm not saying that this happens in every situation. I'm just trying to figure out why he doesn't love me...

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."--Mother Teresa
xobria

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