Wednesday, October 28, 2009

the way it's supposed to be

"i hope that someday i'll be stuck in the back of your mind, and you'll be going crazy in the middle of the night. you won't be able to get comfortable or fall asleep because there will be a mistake you made years ago, and it's eating away at you. you won't remember what that mistake was. but you'll be thinking of me at the same time, and how much you love me. and you will never put the two together. and when you see me, you'll be frozen in your tracks. and i'll be able to walk through you like you do to me. and it will feel so good to be the one in charge. and when that day comes i will go home and close the door behind me and laugh uncontrollably. and i'll shake, and i'll cry as i laugh...and it will all be perfect."

I want to see the look on your face the day you wake up and remember me many years later. I want to see the guilt + regret writeen on your face. I want the pain of loving me to show in your body language. I want to hear you cry yourself to sleep because you know you hurt me. I want to see you crush beneath the pressure of a hundred lies. I want to see you panic and have no idea what to do. I want to see you speechless.

I want nothing more than to move on. And I am. But I want to see you get a taste of your own medicine. But in my heart, I know that it's not worth my time and effort. You will get your karma someday soon. The universe will make sure of that.

"Tereza saw herself threatened by women, all women. all women were potential mistresses for Tomas, and she feared them all."--The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

It's not that I was afraid of other girls. I wans't worried about the other girls at all, actually.

I was worried about you. You would be tempted by other girls and what they have to offer, and you know that they won't be able to say no. You and your killer charm and suave words are irresistible, and you know it. Tonight, my parents even said something about your charm, and I couldn't help but agree with them. I just want you to know that I'm going to be the one that will say "no", and you will have no idea what to do with yourself. And I want you to know that you're a coward. And I want you to know that I'm in charge now.
I'm not scared of the other girls. I'm scared of what they're doing to you. With you. I'm scared of what you're doing with them. To them. Because I just know that I am being replaced.
Someone is going to just get hurt in the end.
And I'm hoping it's only you.

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