I am so sick + tired of being used. And I'm so sick + tired of realizing that I'm letting it happen. It's bad enough that I'm the one that invokes it all, but I continue to let it happen. And I end up just getting angry at myself for something that I let happen. That just doesn't sound fair to me. Sadly, I think the only reason why I do this is to feel like I have a purpose. That I'm actually doing something for them. Kind of like a favor. But I'm so finished with letting this happen to me, and I'm going to end it right here. Right now.
I am also tired of having to find out that people are never who they make themselves to be. Life would be so much easier if the mean, deceitful people looked mean and deceitful, and the kind, beautiful people looked kind and beautiful like they're supposed to. It would make things immensely easier. Unfortunately, that's not the way things are, and we're all just going to have to learn the hard way. It's just never enough to look nice or seem charming. And most of the time, once you start to get to know a person more, you start to realize that they're not the person you thought. Whether it's a friend or a lover. The way you look at that person is going to change. Whether it's for the better or for the worse. And I think that's why people tend to walk away from each other. They either realize that that person isn't what they were before, or they're afraid that if they stick around longer they won't be able to move on, that they'll be too attached to this amazing person that they want to be with more than anything else because they're never seen anything like it. Never loved anything like it.
I've learned that if things are meant to be kept a secret, it's not worth it. I'd like to live in a life of truth, and I can never stand hiding anything behind anyone's back. And whether things end with a shake of hand or kiss on the lips, it should be done with nothing but good intentions. And I've dealt with lies + secrets for so long, that I've realized that they're no fun at all when you're the one keeping your own secret.
It would be wrong for me to say that all boys have nothing but bad intentions. But it seems like all the boys I attract do. And it just doesn't feel right. On the brightside, I'll know when the right boy comes along because I'll be able to tell the difference.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving break. Because I did.