Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i belong with me.

fall '09

photos by: david (my 7 year old brother)

I've heard stories and seen the cartoons of "geeks" falling in love with someone that they can never have. Maybe it's the captain of the football team or the captain of the cheerleading squad. It's just out of place for them to date that person, so they just worship from afar. They can go through the day and through their lives just dreaming about that person, but they feel as if they can never do anything because it's just not the way things are.
Well, I broke that stereotype. I am a geek. And I ended up with the hot shot of the school. It never went public. It was all behind the bleachers. In the dark. All a secret. And I think it made me feel as if it was more special. More exclusive. More intimate. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was perfect enough for me to be happy. As long as he kept kissing me and holding my hand, I was okay with it. We went through the day smiling as if nothing had ever happened. But we had that look in our eyes that said "We know something you don't know.", and it made the school day more interesting. And as soon as night fell, we knew how everything would go. Late nights on the street. In his car. Behind everyone's back.

But one day that tables turned on that happiness, and what am I supposed to do besides sit + cry about it? It seems so much easier than fighting back...

My mistake was that I got too close. Too attached. I should've stayed away. Worshipped from afar. It's less painful that way. The geeks we've all heard about may have it right. Because without getting attached they don't have that grief that always comes along with attachments. They can go through their life with this secret in their heart. But it's not too overwhelming that it's plainly written on their face. And when it's time to say goodbye, it's not as painful. Then the rest of their life, they have nothing but a memory of a high school crush.

But my story is different. He took a piece of me. A big piece of me. A piece of me that I shouldn't have given up. Especially to him. Every boy that comes along is going to take a piece of me. That's just the way it works out. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I just have to make sure that the right guy comes along to take care of that piece so that I still feel complete while he has it.

Lately I've been having the hardest time forgiving myself for the things I've done. And I know that I don't regret ANYTHING, I just can't seem to tell myself that "it's okay". But then I have to remember that in the end, the only person that I will have is myself. No matter how many great friends I know that I have, sometimes the only person I can trust is myself. And the only way I'm going to be able to do that is to forgive myself. Starting with him.

Even through all the temptation + heartbreak that I've had to deal with for the past month or so, I still feel happier now than I did back when I was with him. Because now I know the truth, and I'm not pretending to the world and lying to everyone. And now I know that I can learn from something. Because that's what makes life one big lesson.

Have you ever felt as if you're in a time in your life where your life is at a standstill? Like not much change is going on? Like it's not getting better, but it's not getting worse? That's how I felt today. And I was lost. And I didn't know what to do. But maybe it's days like this that we're supposed to think back and remember like this. To think and forgive ourselves for what he have done. Because once we do that, we can move on. Change will be on its way.

It's hard to believe that a whole year ago I was with someone. It's crazy to see how much has changed in a single year. In a single day. In a single moment. But I think the hardest part about looking back a whole year ago is realizing that you're not exactly the same person anymore. So much changed you and morphed you into the person you are today. And you don't really realize that until you look back.

Things around here are slowing down. But I think that's because it's coming to the end of the year. But the only thing that's getting me really excited is the performances I've got coming up. This weekend I've got Nutcracker Ball which is a fundraiser for our company. It raises a lot of money, and it's all great fun! I've never been, so I'm really excited to go for the first time. It's going to be a night of great dancing and great food. And I'm so glad to be a part of it. It's held at this really fancy hotel downtown. It's so classy. I'm going to wear my whole outfit that I wore to Homecoming. We're going to have a blast!

Then the next show (after Thanksgiving) is Dicken's of a Christmas which is this big bash that they hold in a square downtown. It's an outside venue, and it's going to be freezing! Doing a kickline in Virginia winter doesn't sound like the greatest idea to me, but it still sounds like loads of fun!

And then of course, the week after is Nutcracker. How much more nervous can I get?! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and I'm not sure if I like it yet...

PS. I watch this because I want to know how we would look like if we were a dance. What a toxic relationship. What a beautiful show.

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