Sunday, November 22, 2009

seperate the boys from the men.

"i heard you were a sad girl."
"no...well, not so much anymore. you should've seen me about a month ago."

A young, wise man named Dave came to me to talk. And I haven't known him for very long, but all I know is that he is talented, sweet, and my best friend Dylan + him are the cutest couple I've ever seen. But he came to me to make me feel better. To give me a little nudge on this journey of moving on. And he really helped.

This Dave fellow told me that he was that boy. That boy that dared to mess with a girl and made intimate moments seem somewhat meaningless. It takes a real man to to admit to that. And at first it took me back a little bit because I didn't want my best friend to get hurt like I did. But he then helped me understand why he did the things he did. Why you + I did the things we did.

Dave said to me, "He's insecure."
And this made me realize that we're all just insecure about something. You were insecure because you used to be unwanted. Back in the day, you were different in a way that people didn't like you. So once you grew out of that, people wanted you. And you enjoyed the attention. You felt wanted. Which everyone wants.
I'm insecure. I've never been that pretty girl all the boys had a crush on. But I've always been nice and kept to myself when things didn't go my way. I was extremely tiny, but I was smart. I was different, but it didn't bother me too much. I watched all my friends get boyfriends, and I just waited hopefully waited around for that one boy who would make me look as happy as my friends did.

But when you got older (not grew up, just got older), you realized that you could easily fill those insecurities of yours by using other people. Completely ignoring the fact that they're a person. They were just one little thing to fill that big hole of insecurity. I've had relationships and boyfriends, and I seemed happy for a while. But they never seemed to go well. So when you wanted me like no other boy wanted me, it felt good. I was happy. It felt as if you were teaching me something new, and I was feeling something that I've never felt before. But it was only a feeling.

Dave told me that I depended on your insecurities. And it's true. I depended on him to make me feel like I was wanted. But at the same time, you were depending on my insecurities.
When we recognized that we both wanted the same thing to fill that hole, we realized that we were the missing pieces. But with bad intentions. It was like we were looking in a mirror. I realize now that I might have not had the greatest intentions, but I had the highest hopes. I had faith in you. But you just had a quick in and quick out plan on your mind. But we found comfort in something we already knew. It may have seemed like we were each discovering something new in each other, but we weren't. And I should have seen it from the beginning. This wasn't love because we weren't discovering anything new. Which love is all about.

But I think the biggest difference between you and I was that you were so selfish through the whole thing. Because you were afraid of having no one in the end. So you took everyone in that you could. But deep down on the inside, you are so alone. And in that sense, I feel bad for you. If you didn't put all the ugly and mean around the loneliness, maybe this would've gone better. Maybe you would not have felt so lonely anymore because you would have had me. But that's not the way it is. I wanted you to myself, but not in a selfish way.
We were supposed to be in this together. But I was wrong. You were only there for yourself and no one else.

It's nice to understand this whole situation a little better. It's nice to understand you a little more, no matter how much it hurts. It's nice to understand myself a little better.
It's not nice to realize that we were almost the same person from the beginning.


Anonymous said...

Hey Bria,

I have a few dance questions. ^_^

How long have you been dancing?

What are all the types of dances you have taken classes for?

I am the same age as you, do you think it is too late to start dancing. I use to dance when I was younger but I gave up on it because I became very scared and insecure, now I am confident and I want to get back in the game.

I love your blog, you are like a mini Keltie :))))


bria ballerina said...

Hi Claudia!
I've been dancing for 13 years!
I first started out with ballet + tap. But after my first year of dancing, my mom gave me a choice; I had to choose whether I wanted to do ballet or tap. I chose ballet. And I was one smart 3 year old because ballet is the basis of everything. Since then I've taken jazz, modern, ballroom, flamenco, musical theatre, pas de deux (classical ballet partnering), hip hop, contemporary, lyrical, and african dancing. Most of those were master classes and summer program opportunities. Each one extremely amazing and broadening my influences on my dance style!

I always say that it's never too late to start dancing. That's the thing about this career. You have to be confident. As soon as you walk into that studio. As soon as you put on those ballet/jazz/tap/character/pointe shoes, you have to leave all those insecurities out the door. Because that dancefloor is the only place you can let everything go and let your soul shine through without anyone telling you it's wrong. It's the most beautiful + amazing gift this career has to offer. And I really hope that you discover that soon. :)

I'm really glad you enjoy my blog, and if you have any more questions, just let me know!!


Anonymous said...

Thanks for responding :))))

I was wondering what I should start with. When I was younger I started with ballet. Should I start that again?

Is it hard to stand on pointe?

Also what is the difference between lyrical, modern, and contemporary?

And....What types of dance are you supposed to take if you want to be a rockette?

Lastly what is currently your main focus? (I mean dance wise, like...what style is what I mean.)

I just want to say I think your passion for dance is amazing. I hope you achieve your dream dance career! :))) By the way sorry for all the questions.

bria ballerina said...

Don't apologize for asking questions! I love answering questions, and it's always good to ask them!

Yes, ballet is always the best to start off with. It's beautiful, and it will give you amazing muscle strength!

Going en pointe is only hard if you don't have enough ankle strength to do it. I started doing pointework when I was 10 years old, but these days some girls don't start until they're 13. Pointe is a lot of fun when you learn how to do it properly without getting hurt. It's not so fun when you have to do a 6 or 7 hour rehearsal en pointe. :P

Mmmm, good question...honestly, I don't know the difference. But I'd say that modern is more of a technique like ballet. Like in ballet you have Cechetti and Vagonova methods. In modern there is Graham, Limon, Horton, and Dunham. I'd say that lyrical dance is more for the lyrics of a song. And contemporary is a mix of the two. But that's just what I think...haha.

To be a Rockette, you should train in ballet (as always), tap, jazz, and musical theatre. I looked into their summer program and to even audition you have to have a minimum of 3 years of ballet + tap training. So I couldn't go because I didn't have enough tap training. :P

Lately I've been focusing on classical ballet. I've never been very strong in classical, and this year in Nutcracker, I have solo parts that are very classical. So I've been working really hard on getting stronger en pointe.

Thank you so much! Just remember that it's people like you that make this all worth while, and you all help me keep the dream alive!
Just dance!