Friday, November 27, 2009

that one person.

"as much as i struggled not to think of him, i did not struggle to forget. i worried - late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses - that it was all slipping away. that my mind was a sieve, and i would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his [warm] skin, or the texture of his voice. i could not think of them, but i must always remember them."--from new moon, p. 116

We all have one.
It's gotten to the point where it hurt to be away from him, but it hurt to be with him. I still haven't figured out which one is more painful. But either way, I was being hurt. And I'm still not sure if that feeling of "love" is worth all the pain.
I always say that I don't mind remembering. Because I really don't. It's always nice to remember. That's why we do it, right? To remember everything in the end. But what's not nice is to remember when you don't want to.

I watched "New Moon" tonight. After seeing "Twilight", I definitely did not want to see "New Moon". I was just so upset about how much they messed up the plot line and missed important parts (but that's just me being picky + a book nerd). But I gave in when I saw the trailer which actually made the movie look good. However, I was still disappointed. It still wasn't up to par with what I felt and what I saw while reading the book. But what I hated the most about the movie was that it reminded me of you. I can't wait to see the day that I can go through without thinking about you for a single second. Because I've done all my remembering, and I've done all my reminiscing. It was the tan + big muscles of Taylor Lautner that really reminded me of you. His cockiness (yet sweetness that only I could see) is exactly like you, and I couldn't help but see you. I thought about telling you after the movie ended, but I think that would just make things worse. You'd pull me in again, and the cycle would start all over. Which is something I definitely don't want.

I'm not afraid for the future and what it holds because that day will come. And when it does, I will be set free.


Alex said...

After I watched New Moon, I wondered if I will end up being a bitc-- I mean, a bad person like Bella, well not a really bad person, but it broke my heart when she said that Edward was the one. Jacob just looked miserable. I thought of that one guy who asked me to the dance, and I had to say, "Well, I can't go, I'm grounded," but i was actually waiting for that special him to ask me and it never happened. I'm a Bella and that one kid is Jacob and I'm waiting for my Edward. That Edward is with a Bella that's pretty and wears tons of make up. But I understand Edward. We like the same things, like we are both obsessed with Mr. Tim Burton, or the fact that we high five each other whenever our favorite team wins. Or the fact that he stole "New Moon" from my hands and I had to chase him, and as cheezy as it sounds, it was like a movie, I tackled him down and we ended up laughing like idiots. *sigh* But I will not forget that day,
"Alex, Alex!!! *Bella said yes!! I'm going out with *Bella!!"
What was I suppoded to do, cry right in front of him, NO! I had to be that nice friend I always am and say, "Cool," Even though inside there was this pain that I had never felt before. It sucks huh? We're both trying to forget that Edward.

Good luck with that.
Love Always,

bria ballerina said...

Oh, Alex...
it's hard to deal with the Bella. It seems like she gets whatever she wants, but she always ends up choosing what the rest of us wouldn't.
It hurts being that friend to say that it's okay to be with another girl. But sometimes, the fact that they're happy makes everything a little better. Because that's all you really want. To see them happy.

Don't worry. I'll wait with you...