Friday, December 25, 2009

christmas is my middle name.

"your friendship is a glowing ember through the year; and each december. from its warm and living spark, we kindle flame against the dark and with its shining radiance light our tree of faith on christmas night."

Seriously, it is. My middle name is Noelle, which most definitely means Christmas. :)

So with that...Merry Christmas!! This Christmas season seems to be one of the jolliest I've ever seen. With the economy down, it seems like everyone is treasuring their time with the family around the Christmas tree and fireplace. Last night, we went to a birthday/Christmas party, and we celebrated being together! And we jumped the gun and did sparklers last night rather than on New Year's. But we're still definitely breaking more out for NYE. I didn't ask for anything from my parents this year because they've spent so much money on us these past few weeks, I wanted to spare them the extra stress for just another Christmas present. And it seems like every year, the number of presents I receive reduces, but I can't complain. Because it seems like every year, the things I truly can ask for and want can't be bought at a store. Friendship. Trust. Happiness. Courage. Companionship. Love.
This year, I wrote a letter to Santa asking for the affections of a certain boy. Call me obsessive, naive, cheesy, or pathetic. But I believe in love, wishes, and dreams. And at this point, I know that things aren't going to work out for me and him, but I don't really care if that Christmas wish even comes true. Just writing all my feelings down on a piece of paper made me feel so much better, and I'm ready to move on.
I never like the end. With this year coming to an end, I think back on this whole year. How much has changed. How much has stayed the same. A whole year ago. December 2008. I was falling for someone. Someone I thought was going to care for me. And my Christmas wish a whole year ago was the same for him; to make it happen, and to make it last. And through this entire year, my heart had his picture on it. In the end, after all the hurt, I can't help but cry. I think back to last Christmas time, how happy I was and how stupid I was to jump in headfirst into what we shared. I spent too much time looking at us and what it seemed to be that I didn't see us for what we really were: an accident. Everybody saw the end for the both of us, except me. But then I think about how far I've come and how much I've learned this year. Which makes it all worth while. Yet I still cry.
I've spent too much of this year with my heart on my sleeve. And I paid for it. Learn to take care of your heart yourself before you give it to someone else to take care of. Because if you don't, you'll never know how it's supposed to be. I always tend to forget that before anyone else can love me, I'm going to love myself. Confidence and comfort in oneself is key. I wish I learned that earlier because I wouldn't have loved him more than I loved myself.

I don't want to wrap up this year quite yet. We've got one more week! But I do want to say that although I've spent most of this year revolving around a boy, a hope, a dream, a failure, this year was my year. I've gotten scholarships and praises. I got to go to a summer intensive that made me grow as a dancer, and I met people that changed my life. I fell out of love and moved on in (more or less) one piece. I have inspired many and myself to keep chasing and following those dreams, no matter what. And I think the best gift I've received this year is myself. This version of myself that I've grown to be comfortable with and accept more than I ever have. Instead of getting someone else's love, care, and acceptance, I got my own. Which was a long journey. Well paid off.
"if you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world it will come through the expression of your own personality, that single spark of divinity that sets you off and makes you different from every other living creature."--bruce barton

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