Saturday, May 30, 2009
And I took a little trip to the local Lebanese festival today. It was so fun! I love Lebanese food! It's so delicious! And Lebanese boys aren't too bad looking either, ha! I even learned how to belly dance, and of course I was dancing right in the middle of the place with this cool belly dancing waist thing on. It has coins on it so it jingles when I shake my hips, hehe. I went to get some cotton candy on Saturday, and I had the crazy idea of a cotton candy mustache because it looked so much like hair! I'm such a nerd...
But I saw this guy there that looked just like my Boo Bear. It made me smile a bit, and I wanted to ask him to dance, but he was always talking to people! I wanted to dance with him so bad, but then he disappeared somewhere...I think he knew I wanted to dance with him.
Why are boys so afraid to dance? If a boy dances with me, nothing is going to go wrong. If you want to get to me, you gotta dance!! Even if you think you're not a good dancer, I'd love to dance with you anytime, boys.
But I think it's the glasses that get them...like I said, I'm a nerd.
Here’s the deal, I’m going to list 50 things and people that inspire me, and I’d like to see your list.
1. my family
2. SVB company
3. Pedro Szalay
4. Keltie Colleen
5. my friends
6. Jordan-Elizabeth Long
7. acoustic music
8. sunny days
9. rainy days
10. Sylvie Guillem
11. vintage things
12. taking walks
13. hot cups of tea
14. my dog
16. song lyrics
21. meeting new people
24. Audrey Hepburn
25. John Lennon
26. Paul McCartney
27. Ringo Starr
28. George Harrison
29. The Radio City Rockettes
31. the ocean
32. clear skies
33. Dylan Summers
37. Mr. Gentleman and his lads
38. happy experiences
39. sad experiences
40. having my heart broken
41. having my heart mended
42. being in love
43. seeing love
44. beautiful landscapes
45. amazing choreography
46. the stage
50. hopes and wishes
There are so many more things that inspire me, and I'm still discovering more! Last night, I felt extremely inspired (or heartbroken, I couldn't tell), but I started some new choreography. Even though I wasn't in the studio, I cleared a huge space in my room to dance. I put on my little shorts and little cami and started dancing. I was almost done, but then I started getting a headache. I have a question: is there such thing as expressing too much emotion when I dance? I think I did last night to the point where I gave myself a headache. I guess I can't cry, be sick, and dance all at the same time. I'm hopefully going to get a video to you soon, but of course it won't be in the studio. It will be in my room (which is still painted as a boy's room, so don't laugh when I post the vid).
I feel good about this dance I'm creating. I think it's because it's for you, and maybe you'll realize it when you watch it...
PS. Here's one more person that inspires me!! I love this dance and her choreography. She is Karen Chuang.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Well, I just want to say that I'm such a little girl. No matter how many times I say I'm tough, I'm really not. I met my weakness point today. On my walk home, I just started crying. We haven't talked in a week or two! And it really shouldn't be bothering me because I don't feel as attracted to you when we do talk...but it's not a matter of attraction. No, this is about love. And you still don't understand what love is. And I just wish that you could...with me.
My illness has gotten worse today. My throat iss so scratchy that my voice was cracking all over the place today. It's weird because I never lose my voice like this. I hate it...I sound like Miley Cyrus, ha!
3 days left of school!
24 days till Richmond!!!!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
School is ending next week, and I can't wait for the summer. I know I keep saying it, but how exciting is it to be going to my first summer intensive away from home is? School is kind of pointless these days since we're just doing exam review, and I don't have to take any of them.
Yesterday, I almost passed out in my biology class. We were doing a lab involving the disection of a fetal pig. I know that they died naturally, but still, I'm vegetarian for a reason. To think that those baby pigs were once alive, and now we're cutting into them. I was going to opt-out, but I thought I could tough it out. I did okay up until we had to crack the jaw, and from that point on, I could hardly look at it...
even just typing this sends chills down my spine.
I had to sit down because I was feeling so lightheaded. But I'm going to try again today, and if I can't handle it, then I'm just going to leave for good.
This one kid actually passed out, and it's funny because he's the class clown. My teacher thought the poor kid was kidding around because we all looked over and he was on the floor! But then he got up looking all pale and in a cold sweat. It was pretty crazy, because of out of all the people in our class, the class clown and guy that was really excited for this lab, passes out...
Well, I'll try not to pass out today. But if I don't update for a couple of days, then you'll know why...
Monday, May 25, 2009
I think we've both figured out that when we don't talk to each other, we don't want each other.
And I think that it's better that way.
For both of us.
So, don't talk to me.
And I won't want you.
It's as simple as that...
Photo by: Elna Frederick
PPPS. Whenever I make that usual wish at 11:11, it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
But now I'm not really sure what's worth wishing for if it's just not going to come true...
Like I told you all, I went to VA Beach yesterday. It wasn't the best beach in the world, but it was a beach nonetheless. The sun was shining, and the waves were great. The water was freezing cold, but once you got used to it, it wasn't so bad. But after a while, the clouds rolled in, and it got all...not beachy, ha! It even started to rain a little bit, welp. But whenever it was sunny, I headed out to the ocean and rode those waves like crazy. It was so fun! I haven't been to the beach in ages. And of course, I have to be the little ballerina that I am and take these pictures right on the beach. I don't care if people stare! I'm a dancer, and the world should know it! There wasn't a lot of hot bods to scope on, but I guess the only the good beaches attract the good looking guys, hm?
Then after the beach, we went around town, and only ate at Filipino restaurants all day long! It was pretty cool because I haven't seen so many Filipino restaurants in probably like 5 years, ha! Even though there really isn't such thing as a vegetarian filipino, I just ate all the sweet stuff. Especially this drink called Halo-Halo (the a is pronounced "ah", so it's not like the Beyoncé song, lol). It's a mixture of ice cream, ice, gelatin stuff, beans, and other yummy stuffs! It's just so yummy, and I had about 3 or 4 that day. I haven't had one in such a long time, it was good to taste one again!
Then, we made a last minute decision to spend the night at my godparents' house who live just about 30 mins away from Richmond. It's been almost 2 years since I've seen them, and it was so great to visit them! They are the cutest little family ever, and their children are just great! And let me tell you right now that my godparents are amazing chefs. They're almost as good as my mom, ha!
We spent all day at the pool today, and I'm just so tan right now. I mean, I was before, but now it's just crazy. I tan so fast! I wasn't even out in the sun for half an hour yet at the beach, and I already had a massive tan line. It's weird because neither of my parents tan. They burn! So, I'm just wondering where I got it from...
And then it's back to school tomorrow, blech. But on the brightside it's practically my last week of real school because next week is exam week, and I'm pretty much exempt from all of my exams! I'm so happy, and then I'll be so ready for the summer. I really can't wait to go to Richmond and be dancing my life away.
PS. Even though I was at the beach, I was still doing my job.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Anyway the wind blows.
I'm going to the beach tomorrow, and I thought I was going to think of you the whole time since you love the beach. But then I remembered that we're going to kind of a shitty beach, so maybe I'll think about how you'll hate that beach and you'll never want to go there.
Which is perfectly fine with me.
Because it doesn't really matter to me.
Since we perform outside, we don't really have anything that's dressing room-like. So, we just got ready at the studio. Notice all my gear to get ready for the show. I've got my Lambourghini lunch box, banana, ipod, makeup bag, huge eyeshadow palette, and my bandana. It's always exciting to get ready and put makeup on. We were soon on our way to the park, and when we arrived there, we realized how hot it was! The sun was blazing down, and it was just so humid! Perfect Festival in the Park weather. (;
We had a little white tent set up on the far end of the stage behind the curtain-type-thingies, and that's where we got dressed. We had to get ready early since there were so many of us that had to get dressed, and all of us couldn't fit in there. It was just so hot to stand around in tights. My face was melting off. We even had to put our pointe shoes standing up since we couldn't sit down in costume! How awkward! But we managed.
I started off with Poppies, and I think it went perfect! Unfortunately, my bff, Courtney, told me that she fell in that dance. I didn't see it, but I bet it was a graceful fall. She still complained about it, and honestly, she was freaking out about nothing because she did wonderful.
All the other dances were just great. I think everyone was excited for this show almost as much as I was.
The best part of the show was the last dance, Sabor Latino. I love this dance with a PASSION! It's so fun and sassy to the max! I had a blast learning it and getting to perform it 2 or 3 times this year! It's definitely a dance that gets the audience excited and on the edge of their seats. Poppies is definitely like that too. Of course, my favourite part was my awesome booty-shaking! It's so fun, and I personally think I'm a pretty rad booty-shaker.
It's weird to think that that was pretty much our last company performance this season. It's all gone by so fast. Too fast. This whole year was a whirlwind of excitement that I don't want to end. But time goes on. People grow. And everything is a beginning. Never an end. I will never forget how much this company has changed my life, and the people that are in it hold such a special place in my heart. Thank you so much SVB for a great season.
Can't wait till next year!
PS. Chels went into surgery today. She came out perfectly fine, and she's doing great! I think you all should drop her a nice little line at her twitter: http://www.twitter.com/chels_dance
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I seriously want to leave this place more than you will ever know. I'm sick of all this stupid drama that really just bores me to death. I don't want this anymore. I just want to find that place where I can be happy and that will ensure my dreams to come true. But I'm just afraid that I'll keep searching, and I'll be wasting my time when I have everything I need in front of me and I just look over it. I think that's one of my biggest fears. I don't want to look over anything. I want to get to the point where I want what I have.
This weekend is going to be just wonderful because I have my favourite performance of the year on Saturday!!! I'm so excited to shake my booty all over the place and just having so much fun on that stage! Then on Sunday, I'm going to Virginia Beach for the first time. I'll hopefully be able to get a new swimsuit before because I really want a new bikini to wear on that beach. I haven't been to the beach in years! I'm gonna be soaking up some sun, ha!
I'd like to start a new piece of choreography sometime soon, and I want it to be big. Something that means a lot to me...I think I already know what song I'm gonna use...
Monday, May 18, 2009
And ever since you told me about and reminded me of Marlon Brando, I can't stop thinking about how amazing you are.
And ever since you said that you'd like to...I can't stop thinking about how much you're using me.
And the sad part is, I still want you.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I wore this outfit today. I felt pretty ridiculous in it, but I still love that I can pull it off. I've been posting some looks on my Lookbook account. So, you should check that out!
Tonight was the video party at Abby's house, and we had a grand time like we always do. I ate so much food though! There was a just so much, and us dancers really eat more than a normal person should. I blame it on my fast metabolism and love for food. What can I say? I just love food! The videos were great. I can't believe how long ago Swan Lake was, and I can't believe how much we've all improved. It's really amazing how you get to see yourself and your fellow dancers grown and improve as you go on. It's all part of the journey, and it just reminds you how hard you're working which is one of the greatest rewards.
I think my favourite thing to watch tonight was Nutcracker. Reliving that moment of my hairpiece falling out and completely playing off of that was just so much fun! Definitely one of my favourite performances ever!
I'm a little upset at myself for how I feel right now...I'm giving/given you all I have to offer, and you're just so blind! Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be so obvious, yet I feel like that's not going to change anything. I wish I could just tell you everything now. Everything. But I just know that's just going to screw everything up even more. I just wish that I could experience a little of your..."love" (for a lack of a better word) before I leave for the summer. Just a little bit to leave with a little piece...I don't know if that will make things better or worse. I just want you. I really want you.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
School's practically over next week because we have our state standardized testing deal to do. And then after that is exam review which doesn't really apply to me since I'm exempt from majority of them. Then, school's over! It's so exciting because that means it's so much closer to Richmond Summer Intensive! It's going to be so exciting, and I just can't wait to get to do so much dancing for 5 weeks. But I won't lie...I'm starting to worry that I'll miss you. Terribly. Now that we're getting "close"...never mind. I'm speaking poppy-cock.
Today, just sneaking out to meet you today made me feel like you wanted to be with me. It's a good feeling, and I wish that you would just go for it because I know you want to. I'm not being cocky or anything, but I know you want at least a part of me. Ironically, all of me wants all of you. Just please find that part of me that you want so badly and make it yours. I think it would make both of us very happy. And I'm not exaggerating.
I finally came up with some new choreography, and this one is for Chels. She's going to start chemo on Sunday, and I still can't believe this is happening. But it is. This dance is dedicated to her because she inspires me every single moment, and I just know that no matter how tiring this journey is going to be from this point on, you'll still have that passion, that love, for dance.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Yes, dear, I'm talking about you. Us.
My dear friend, Chels, has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She's always told me that I'm a beautiful person and a fearless dancer that has inspired her everyday life, but right now I feel like she's inspiring more than I am. She's not afraid to laugh at how much life is going to change for her from this point on, and she's still ready to wake up everyday and dance her heart out.
This is inspiration.
But knowing that I'm still helping her everyday by just being there and being me is all I could ever ask for.
I'm trying not to cry because I know that everything is going to be alright...
Or is it that dumb black cat?
Photo by: Bryan Graf
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day!
And now that I'm not being controlled by some stupid heart problems, I can finally tell you what's been going on with me for the past few days.
As you know, I had the final school recital on Thursday, Wizard of Oz. It was a lot of fun, and I think everyone was satisfied with how the performance went. I had a little mishap with my pointe shoe ribbons on stage though. One of them, the stitch came out causing the ribbon to completely come out...ah, Pedro was so mad, but I didn't need that to get to my head. So, the rest of the show went on smoothly. After the show, I had some parents tell me that I was meant to play the Scarecrow. And I definitely have to agree with them. Being a dopey Scarecrow wasn't so dopey. It was really fun, and I got to play a fun character that isn't a common character in the ballet world. Definitely a keeper.
Also, I found out that I could start crying within a matter of seconds. I never knew that. I found out that my modern teacher isn't teaching at our studio next year, and tears just exploded from behind my eyeballs. I seriously never knew that I could start crying so fast! Being able to stop was just as easy because I remembered that she's coming back to do a show with us in the fall. What really kept me inspired was her saying this:
"What are you crying about? You'll be dancing for me in two years anyways!"
It definitely made me laugh, and it definitely let me know that there are people out there wanting me to dance for them. Knowing that I'm going to have a bright future just wants me to skip and go on the journey at the same time. I just want to get there, but I have to go on some sort of battle to get there. That way I have some proof that I actually tried.
Friday, I got to skip school because I fell asleep so quickly on Thursday night that I didn't get to study for my four tests that day. My mother felt that it would be best for me to have a whole weekend to study instead of failing them all. I'm so glad she understood. I cleaned my room for about 5 hours, and I took out a huge chair that used to be in my room, and it definitely cleared the floor. Now I have a bit more room to do some more dancing about. It made me happy. Then, I went to pick up my check for $500 that I won from that audition. It felt good seeing my name on a check for $500. I just don't have that money laying around. I thought I'd just share my happy moment with you, and I wasn't sure what I should block out, so I pretty much blocked out everything, ha! I was just so excited when I got it, I snapped a pic with my phone...woot!
However, that evening, I cried for so long...but that's already in the past. No need to talk about that anymore...
Then I had another day off on Saturday. It was so strange having a Saturday off for the first time in about a year, ha! I got a lot done yesterday.
Got new glasses + dropped off my stratocaster at Kelley's + iced my swollen eyes + came up with the greatest idea ever.
Today was a lot better. It just wasn't a fantasy anymore; it actually happened. Well, technically it wasn't exactly like my fantasy because my fantasies are quite elaborate...but it was quite close. Things definitely got better, and I think I finally believe that certain things do happen for a reason. It makes sense for everything. I just wish that I could just tell you! You just say that everything is "awkward"; I'm just afraid that if I tell you that I'm absolutely into you, you'll find it awkward...You've really made me hate that word, "awkward". Next time, can we try not to make things "awkward" when they never have to be?
This weekend was so...eventful. How was all of your weekends?
PS. Just wondering: how do I compare?
PPS. getting psyched for summer!!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
I kept saying, "There's this thing called love. We know it. But you don't know it like I know it..."
Why can't you be the hopeless romantic I want? I had every cute little thing planned out for tomorrow, but now that you tell me that you HATE cute stuff. All my plans are down the drain. I'll just have to come up with some other interesting thing that's not cute...
mall + new raybans
see you tomorrow,
I cried for 4 hours straight last night, and I'm not sure if I want to fix things or leave them as they are to spare my feelings. What confuses me is that if you really wanted to be with me, you would've believed me and turned right around. If all I want to do is be with you, then why would I lie to you?
I hate technology.
I hate my cowardness.
However, the greatest idea popped into my head this morning as I opened my tender swollen eyes. I'll sing you a song with my guitar, and it will make everything better. I just know it, and as much as I want to back out of this, I have to do it. I want to make things better. Things need to go back and maybe change how they were before. Maybe you'll finally find out how I feel about you...and that's the only thing I'm afraid of. You'll find it awkward.
But I think that when I get my feelings out there, that's when things will get better.
I just know it.
PS. who knew that dads could be so easy to talk to?
PPS. who knew someone could produce enough tears for 4 hours straight?
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Then you'll say, "Well, I have feelings for...."
Then I'll say, "You know, I'm never good enough for you." And I'll walk out of the room feeling great about myself, and you'll be left alone.
...then you'll come running after me, take me into your arms, and kiss me. And you'll finally tell me that it's really me that you love, and we'll live happily ever after...
You're not that kind of romantic person.
But the sad part is, I can see myself walking out of that room, but not feeling good at all........
Photo by: Olaf Breuning
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
No more fantasies.
No more wishes.
No more you.
This might take a while to get rid of.........