Monday, November 30, 2009

cross my heart. hope to fly.

"you have to promise to keep it just between us..."

I am so sick + tired of being used. And I'm so sick + tired of realizing that I'm letting it happen. It's bad enough that I'm the one that invokes it all, but I continue to let it happen. And I end up just getting angry at myself for something that I let happen. That just doesn't sound fair to me. Sadly, I think the only reason why I do this is to feel like I have a purpose. That I'm actually doing something for them. Kind of like a favor. But I'm so finished with letting this happen to me, and I'm going to end it right here. Right now.

I am also tired of having to find out that people are never who they make themselves to be. Life would be so much easier if the mean, deceitful people looked mean and deceitful, and the kind, beautiful people looked kind and beautiful like they're supposed to. It would make things immensely easier. Unfortunately, that's not the way things are, and we're all just going to have to learn the hard way. It's just never enough to look nice or seem charming. And most of the time, once you start to get to know a person more, you start to realize that they're not the person you thought. Whether it's a friend or a lover. The way you look at that person is going to change. Whether it's for the better or for the worse. And I think that's why people tend to walk away from each other. They either realize that that person isn't what they were before, or they're afraid that if they stick around longer they won't be able to move on, that they'll be too attached to this amazing person that they want to be with more than anything else because they're never seen anything like it. Never loved anything like it.

I've learned that if things are meant to be kept a secret, it's not worth it. I'd like to live in a life of truth, and I can never stand hiding anything behind anyone's back. And whether things end with a shake of hand or kiss on the lips, it should be done with nothing but good intentions. And I've dealt with lies + secrets for so long, that I've realized that they're no fun at all when you're the one keeping your own secret.

It would be wrong for me to say that all boys have nothing but bad intentions. But it seems like all the boys I attract do. And it just doesn't feel right. On the brightside, I'll know when the right boy comes along because I'll be able to tell the difference.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving break. Because I did.

Friday, November 27, 2009


I am a recent convert.
I don't love Edward anymore.
I am now Team Jacob. And it's not because of Taylor Lautner. I promise.
It's because I realized that I need a big, tan, warm, muscular boy who will keep my little, tan, sort of muscular, always cold body warm.

And although physically you look like a Jacob. You seem to cause me the same pain Edward does to Bella. And I'm going to be stronger than Bella. I'm going to be strong enough to walk away from something that walked away from me.

that one person.

"as much as i struggled not to think of him, i did not struggle to forget. i worried - late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses - that it was all slipping away. that my mind was a sieve, and i would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his [warm] skin, or the texture of his voice. i could not think of them, but i must always remember them."--from new moon, p. 116

We all have one.
It's gotten to the point where it hurt to be away from him, but it hurt to be with him. I still haven't figured out which one is more painful. But either way, I was being hurt. And I'm still not sure if that feeling of "love" is worth all the pain.
I always say that I don't mind remembering. Because I really don't. It's always nice to remember. That's why we do it, right? To remember everything in the end. But what's not nice is to remember when you don't want to.

I watched "New Moon" tonight. After seeing "Twilight", I definitely did not want to see "New Moon". I was just so upset about how much they messed up the plot line and missed important parts (but that's just me being picky + a book nerd). But I gave in when I saw the trailer which actually made the movie look good. However, I was still disappointed. It still wasn't up to par with what I felt and what I saw while reading the book. But what I hated the most about the movie was that it reminded me of you. I can't wait to see the day that I can go through without thinking about you for a single second. Because I've done all my remembering, and I've done all my reminiscing. It was the tan + big muscles of Taylor Lautner that really reminded me of you. His cockiness (yet sweetness that only I could see) is exactly like you, and I couldn't help but see you. I thought about telling you after the movie ended, but I think that would just make things worse. You'd pull me in again, and the cycle would start all over. Which is something I definitely don't want.

I'm not afraid for the future and what it holds because that day will come. And when it does, I will be set free.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

thank you.

I spent most of my Thanksgiving day asleep. I am so sleep deprived. I knew that I would be spending my break sleeping the days away...

But I just want to say that even though today is Thanksgiving day, we should be thankful everyday. I know that I am thankful everyday for this life that I lead, and I am especially thankful for today. I mean, it's not everyday that I get to spend all day sleeping, with family, and eating delicious food!

I am so thankful for:
1. this huge + beautiful universe that gives us nothing but great things. it's just up to us to recognize those amazing things and do with them what we want. whether it's right or wrong.

2. my family. family is everything. end of story.

3. my best friends: dylan, courtney, and sarah. they're always there when i want them to be and when i least expect it. they're practically my sisters. love you.

4. all my friends. i don't have many to truly call friends, but each and every one of you is so special to me.

5. clothes to wear, food to eat, and a place to call home. some aren't so lucky.

6. dancing. everyone has a place where they belong. this is mine.

7. my puppy, bluey. best one to cuddle with, and the only one who doesn't complain when i kiss him too much.

8. music. don't know what life would be like without it. and i love making music, and i'm so thankful for having some talent to!

9. books. i love reading!

10. hot tea. best way to end every day.

11. cameras. they make taking pictures + making memories possible!

12. mornings. the sun rising reminds me that everyday is a new day to make new discoveries, mistakes, and more memories.

13. nights. the sun setting reminds me that each day has its end, and that we get to start all over when the sun rises the next morning.

14. movies. i'm a movie junkie.

15. the internet. it has its cons, but i think it's done more great things than bad things for us.

16. people who complete my heart. that's pretty much everyone i know and love.

17. people who break my heart. thanks for making realize that i'm worth a lot more than i give myself credit for, and you don't know what you're missing.

18. keltie colleen. the best role model that has ever existed. she's given me continuous inspiration, and i'm so glad to know her. a beautiful person and an even more beautiful dancer.
19. words. i just realized that life would be so strange if we never had anything to say.

20. planes, boats, trains, and cars. how else would we be here, there, and everywhere?!

21. hugs + kisses. who doesn't love showing some love?

22. colors. i don't think i'd like living in a world of black + white.

23. seahorses + jellyfish. they're my favorite animals!

24. phones. to text + call. it's always nice to keep in touch.

25. laughter. never can have enough of it.

26. fire. in a warm + touching way. not the distructive kind, duh.

27. flowers, trees, and everything in between. they decorate this planet and make it so beautiful and breathable!

28. stars, planets, and the undiscovered. they remind me that we're all so small.

29. knitting + crocheting. i'm an old lady when it comes to killing time.

30. you. I still haven't gotten used to people telling me that I inspire them. But I'm glad that my life goal is coming true so soon. I just want to thank all of you for the continuous support and love that you always give me. You all are more than amazing, and you all are always with me in whatever I do. I can never express how much it means to me. I could never ask for anymore from you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Times an infinity times more.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

not so nice.

It's sad to know that people like me seem to get punished for being nothing but nice + friendly. I'm an extremely bubbly person, and I always believe in a good first impression. I present myself as best as I can, but to some people, at first meeing, I might seem as if I'm trying too hard or being stuck up. And most people never get to know me well enough to know that that's just the way I am. And even if they didn't give me a chance, I'm not going to change just because a few people didn't like the way I am.
It seems like today's society doesn't choose to see the good in people anymore. It seems as if all first impressions consist of seeing the flaws before the great things. It seems as if everything is bad until proven good. I mean, it's understandable why most people would not expect the good at first. We're surrounded by liars, cheats, and temptation, and most of us have learned that nothing but dispair + pain comes from those things. So we tend to expect that out of everyone before they prove themselves otherwise.

Look at me. I've been hurt in a way that I never expected someone like me to be hurt. But I still choose to see nothing but the good in everyone I meet. It's the total opposite with me. You're good until proven bad. Most of the time, we don't give each other a chance to prove ourselves to each other. Most of the time, it's because we're afraid of being hurt. For the nth time.

I don't know where things went wrong, but I only meant well. I always have good intentions. But when those intentions were twisted by some surreptitious plan, then things got jumbled up and confusing. It came to a point where lies = the truth. Instead of reality becoming dreams; it became the total opposite: a nightmare feigned by these said good intentions.

I don't want to change the way I am.
Because I'd rather have the faith in people that they don't even have in themselves to make things right. I know that people will appreciate that soon.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

we made a hand baby together.

"hey john, i think we should make hand babies again tonight."

"you are so strange......"

If he wasn't so young + lived far far away, this boy would be my boyfriend in a heartbeat. He's an amazing dancer/partner, and even though he's never had a girlfriend, he knows how to respect a girl for who she is and what she's worth. And I can say that I know what that feels like because I recognize what it's like to not be respected for who I am or what I'm worth...

It's so hard to know what you want when everything you ever wanted became something you didn't want anymore.
But it's so easy to know what you want when things you didn't want before are coming your way, and you're going to have to like them whether it's something you want or not.

It's going to be so much harder for me to believe in a guy when he says the things he says. I'm too used to cadences and routines that I'm not really sure when a legitimate original guy says he wants to be with me and actually means it.

I feel like the universe only work when things are meant to be. And tonight was meant to be because all my friends from college were home for the Thanksgiving holiday, and I spent some time with them tonight. I wasn't supposed to be there, but I was. And the universe made sure that nothing bad happened like me getting caught or anything of that matter. Which makes me realize that the universe lets me know when things are meant to be. And it's so comforting. Because this evening could have ended up completely different. Which might also change the way I look at this universe...But when you're spending the evening on a couch with some great friends eating foods loaded with preservatives + trans fat (but you don't really care), you know that times are so good right now. And I only wish that times were good enough for me to stay there all night with all of them...but times aren't that good. ;)

Tomorrow I'm heading up to Maryland to visit some family for thanksgiving. Although this will be my first real "break" all year, I still feel like I won't have much of a break. I've got tons of school work to do, and I'm trying really hard to get ahead so I won't fall behind. Got lots of book reading, paper writing, and crocheting to do before this week is over...Joy.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

seperate the boys from the men.

"i heard you were a sad girl."
"no...well, not so much anymore. you should've seen me about a month ago."

A young, wise man named Dave came to me to talk. And I haven't known him for very long, but all I know is that he is talented, sweet, and my best friend Dylan + him are the cutest couple I've ever seen. But he came to me to make me feel better. To give me a little nudge on this journey of moving on. And he really helped.

This Dave fellow told me that he was that boy. That boy that dared to mess with a girl and made intimate moments seem somewhat meaningless. It takes a real man to to admit to that. And at first it took me back a little bit because I didn't want my best friend to get hurt like I did. But he then helped me understand why he did the things he did. Why you + I did the things we did.

Dave said to me, "He's insecure."
And this made me realize that we're all just insecure about something. You were insecure because you used to be unwanted. Back in the day, you were different in a way that people didn't like you. So once you grew out of that, people wanted you. And you enjoyed the attention. You felt wanted. Which everyone wants.
I'm insecure. I've never been that pretty girl all the boys had a crush on. But I've always been nice and kept to myself when things didn't go my way. I was extremely tiny, but I was smart. I was different, but it didn't bother me too much. I watched all my friends get boyfriends, and I just waited hopefully waited around for that one boy who would make me look as happy as my friends did.

But when you got older (not grew up, just got older), you realized that you could easily fill those insecurities of yours by using other people. Completely ignoring the fact that they're a person. They were just one little thing to fill that big hole of insecurity. I've had relationships and boyfriends, and I seemed happy for a while. But they never seemed to go well. So when you wanted me like no other boy wanted me, it felt good. I was happy. It felt as if you were teaching me something new, and I was feeling something that I've never felt before. But it was only a feeling.

Dave told me that I depended on your insecurities. And it's true. I depended on him to make me feel like I was wanted. But at the same time, you were depending on my insecurities.
When we recognized that we both wanted the same thing to fill that hole, we realized that we were the missing pieces. But with bad intentions. It was like we were looking in a mirror. I realize now that I might have not had the greatest intentions, but I had the highest hopes. I had faith in you. But you just had a quick in and quick out plan on your mind. But we found comfort in something we already knew. It may have seemed like we were each discovering something new in each other, but we weren't. And I should have seen it from the beginning. This wasn't love because we weren't discovering anything new. Which love is all about.

But I think the biggest difference between you and I was that you were so selfish through the whole thing. Because you were afraid of having no one in the end. So you took everyone in that you could. But deep down on the inside, you are so alone. And in that sense, I feel bad for you. If you didn't put all the ugly and mean around the loneliness, maybe this would've gone better. Maybe you would not have felt so lonely anymore because you would have had me. But that's not the way it is. I wanted you to myself, but not in a selfish way.
We were supposed to be in this together. But I was wrong. You were only there for yourself and no one else.

It's nice to understand this whole situation a little better. It's nice to understand you a little more, no matter how much it hurts. It's nice to understand myself a little better.
It's not nice to realize that we were almost the same person from the beginning.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

from the nutcracker ball

"bria, i love the bevel."

Tonight was the magical + magnificent night known as the Nutcracker Ball.
It was a night of beautiful dancing, intense fundraising, and endless fun.
The day started out with an early rehearsal at 9 o' clock. The group of us that were attending the ball had brought our fancy dresses and high heels to the studio. All day we couldn't stop thinking about how fun tonight would be. It was a little hard to focus during the short rehearsal that we had today, but we made it through. We spent a lot of time on the Waltz of the Flowers. Today was the last time we were rehearsing as just a company, because next time we rehearse, we're going to have all the extras so the studio will be packed and there won't be much time to for cleaning. It's so hard to believe that Nutcracker is in 3 weeks. We're in such good shape right now. We are so ahead and so close to be ready for the stage. I just can't wait for the show.

The people in these pictures are just a few reasons why I love the life + career I live. Another chunk of reasons why I love my life is a large number of people that I've never met. Tonight really made me realize that we have the greatest group of people that supports a small company like ours could ever ask for. We don't ask for much, but we get so much more in return. We dance because we love it, and we touch so many peoples' lives without even realizing it. And when people recognize that they've never seen or felt anything like this before, they want to keep it in their lives. So they support us. It's just so nice to know that so many people are willing to give us so much. We can never express how thankful and grateful we are for that. It makes everything so worth while.

Both of my parents were to attend tonight's festivities. But my mother ended up not having anything to wear and not feeling well, so my father came alone. But not quite! I became his date for the evening. It's so strange because after looking through all the pictures from tonight, I look like I'm 20 years old. I've never seen myself look so mature. So grown up. It just goes to show that time flies.

My papa and I shared several dances tonight. He showed me up a few times, and I was convinced that I got my dancing talent from him. My dad said, "When you dance with me, you have to spin a lot." He pulled out some Michael Jackson-like moves, and I was left laughing and smiling at how much fun my dad was having. How much fun I was having. I can honestly say that my dad was the best dancing date I've ever had. After all the fun, I ended up having to drive my daddy home (if you know what I mean). We came to the conclusion that we had a great time together tonight, but it would've been even better if my mom was there.

Tonight, I felt so amazing and beautiful. And it's been a while since I've felt that way.

Friday, November 20, 2009

stop being right. start being true.

"when the strong are too weak to hurt the weak, the weak have to be strong enough to leave."--from the unbearable lightness of being; by milan kundera

Life is full of coincidences and luck. Life is constantly giving us things that we don't expect because it wants us to take those things and do with them what we want. But the one thing that we can't do is get mad at life. Life is the only thing we have. Out of everything (friends, possessions, family), life is the only thing that we have in the end. And we have to treasure it. We have to trust it because life is one big risk.

As humans, we are such hypocrites. We always worry about being right and saying things that make sense. But we always end up doing things that aren't right no matter what your morals are, and we end up saying things that doesn't fit in the context of this world. We think way too much, and that creates fear. We fear things that are not reality because it's not "real". The hypocrisy comes into play when the reality is that things such as karma, beauty, magic, and love really do exist. And the ignorance comes into play when we say that we've never experienced such things. But there is no point in being afraid of things that are real because they're going to happen anyways. You don't even have to look. They're all around you.

I think we need to stop worrying about being "right" or "wrong" or "bad" or "good". Being true makes more sense. Because when you're true, you are a statement of everything that makes sense and exists. To be truly "true" you have to be true to yourself and the world around you. People make happiness seem like such a difficult thing to acheive in today's society. People want to complicate their lives and create this feeling of despair and sadness. Just to have something to complain about. But being true + being happy go hand in hand. Be true because once that happens, the world around you and the people you know and come to meet will suddenly seem more beautiful and real.

Life may seem so complicated when you look at it.

But when you start living it, it's truly simple.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i belong with me.

fall '09

photos by: david (my 7 year old brother)

I've heard stories and seen the cartoons of "geeks" falling in love with someone that they can never have. Maybe it's the captain of the football team or the captain of the cheerleading squad. It's just out of place for them to date that person, so they just worship from afar. They can go through the day and through their lives just dreaming about that person, but they feel as if they can never do anything because it's just not the way things are.
Well, I broke that stereotype. I am a geek. And I ended up with the hot shot of the school. It never went public. It was all behind the bleachers. In the dark. All a secret. And I think it made me feel as if it was more special. More exclusive. More intimate. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was perfect enough for me to be happy. As long as he kept kissing me and holding my hand, I was okay with it. We went through the day smiling as if nothing had ever happened. But we had that look in our eyes that said "We know something you don't know.", and it made the school day more interesting. And as soon as night fell, we knew how everything would go. Late nights on the street. In his car. Behind everyone's back.

But one day that tables turned on that happiness, and what am I supposed to do besides sit + cry about it? It seems so much easier than fighting back...

My mistake was that I got too close. Too attached. I should've stayed away. Worshipped from afar. It's less painful that way. The geeks we've all heard about may have it right. Because without getting attached they don't have that grief that always comes along with attachments. They can go through their life with this secret in their heart. But it's not too overwhelming that it's plainly written on their face. And when it's time to say goodbye, it's not as painful. Then the rest of their life, they have nothing but a memory of a high school crush.

But my story is different. He took a piece of me. A big piece of me. A piece of me that I shouldn't have given up. Especially to him. Every boy that comes along is going to take a piece of me. That's just the way it works out. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I just have to make sure that the right guy comes along to take care of that piece so that I still feel complete while he has it.

Lately I've been having the hardest time forgiving myself for the things I've done. And I know that I don't regret ANYTHING, I just can't seem to tell myself that "it's okay". But then I have to remember that in the end, the only person that I will have is myself. No matter how many great friends I know that I have, sometimes the only person I can trust is myself. And the only way I'm going to be able to do that is to forgive myself. Starting with him.

Even through all the temptation + heartbreak that I've had to deal with for the past month or so, I still feel happier now than I did back when I was with him. Because now I know the truth, and I'm not pretending to the world and lying to everyone. And now I know that I can learn from something. Because that's what makes life one big lesson.

Have you ever felt as if you're in a time in your life where your life is at a standstill? Like not much change is going on? Like it's not getting better, but it's not getting worse? That's how I felt today. And I was lost. And I didn't know what to do. But maybe it's days like this that we're supposed to think back and remember like this. To think and forgive ourselves for what he have done. Because once we do that, we can move on. Change will be on its way.

It's hard to believe that a whole year ago I was with someone. It's crazy to see how much has changed in a single year. In a single day. In a single moment. But I think the hardest part about looking back a whole year ago is realizing that you're not exactly the same person anymore. So much changed you and morphed you into the person you are today. And you don't really realize that until you look back.

Things around here are slowing down. But I think that's because it's coming to the end of the year. But the only thing that's getting me really excited is the performances I've got coming up. This weekend I've got Nutcracker Ball which is a fundraiser for our company. It raises a lot of money, and it's all great fun! I've never been, so I'm really excited to go for the first time. It's going to be a night of great dancing and great food. And I'm so glad to be a part of it. It's held at this really fancy hotel downtown. It's so classy. I'm going to wear my whole outfit that I wore to Homecoming. We're going to have a blast!

Then the next show (after Thanksgiving) is Dicken's of a Christmas which is this big bash that they hold in a square downtown. It's an outside venue, and it's going to be freezing! Doing a kickline in Virginia winter doesn't sound like the greatest idea to me, but it still sounds like loads of fun!

And then of course, the week after is Nutcracker. How much more nervous can I get?! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and I'm not sure if I like it yet...

PS. I watch this because I want to know how we would look like if we were a dance. What a toxic relationship. What a beautiful show.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

yes, we can do the can-can.

"do i have chin fat?!"

Today was the performance with the Youth Symphony Orchestra. I love doing the shows with the orchestras because live music is always fun! It's not everyday that a ballet company like us gets the opportunity to dance with such a talented group of musicians in our area. But what makes today really remarkable is that the symphony was made up of kids our age (15-18). They played songs that sounded significantly mature, and it all sounded so splendid. And the best thing about performing with live music is that they can speed up or slow down to help us dancers out.
Everyone in the symphony were really sweet and extremely talented. We spoke with a few of them, and they love performing with us as much as we do with them! I also learned that the intrument that plays the melody in the Sugar Plum variation is called a Celeste. It makes a very beautiful sound and the boy that played it was very nice. They played the famous "can-can" song while us dancers were creating our own kickline backstage. A kickline with tutus + pointe shoes is a sight to see. The harpist on the other side of the stage was trying so hard not to laugh at us.
A few close family friends came to see the show, and they don't know much about dancing. All they know is that I do it, and I'm quite good at it. It's so great to show them what it's like to be a real dancer and going to real shows and getting great exposure. I invited them all to see the Nutcracker next month as well as the other performances coming up in the next few months. One of them said, "Bria, if you're not there, it's not worth watching." And even though they're not very educated about dancing. And even though they haven't been to many performances. It still touched me, and it makes it all worth while.

I just love waking up in the morning and knowing how much I love my life. Being able to do the thing that I love for an entire day makes me very happy. It would make anyone happy. And I feel so lucky to be doing this because I know that I'm one of the lucky ones. All of us in this company are so lucky to have somone like Pedro who wants to train us and prepare us for the dance world. I've got my mind set on this life that was made for me, and I'm putting my soul into something that I will do for the rest of my life. I'm just as lucky as each and every one of those members in the symphony. And I'm sure they each love what they're doing because they wouldn't be there if they didn't. It's just amazing to see everyone in their own place. Whether it's right on stage, or in the wings. Everyone has a place to call their own.

Friday, November 13, 2009


"well, you know what really sucks about falling for a guy you know you're not right for? you fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different."--Mary; from "Another Cinderella Story"

I was being a lame little girl tonight and decided to watch "Another Cinderella Story". Although I thought most of the movie was stupid + juvenile, a couple of things caught my eye. The fact that it was all about dancing and the passion behind it is always a plus. We all have those days where we have to stop and ask ourselves if we really want to be dancers and why we're doing this. And then we stop sitting and wondering and just get up dance because words can't even explain how dancing makes you feel. And of course, the other thing that grabbed my attention was the fact that there relationships have no limit's. But this quote made me stop and think for a little bit. Because it's so true. Many times I've put myself out there. Put my heart on the line. With the highest hopes and the best intentions. And even though I want nothing more than to let him into my life and just admit that I like him, it's hard because I just know that it's probably not going to end the way I want it to. Because that's the way it always is.
And I'm just trying to figure out how my Cinderella story is going to end. Will I ever end up with Prince Charming? Will I ever go to that perfect ball and dance the night away? Will he sweep me off my feet? Will I really be happy in the end? I can't say for certain how everything is going to end, but I do know that I have my own Cinderella story. And it will end up the way it's supposed to. Eventually.

On the way home today, I was with a couple of friends of mine (they're twins!) and we were talking about how the boy that wants you and the boy you want are never the right person. It's a frustrating matter, and you just can't help but feel sorry for yourself for having to deal with the ones that want you, but still try to get the boy that you want. And I brought up the fact that if you think about it, what do those boys feel like? They're going to feel the same exact way. I know that they're going to be just as frustrated with a girl that they can't have. And even though it feels like us girls are always doing the chasing, think about that one boy you know has something for you. He's doing some chasing of his own.

It seems like I've found my match, but that's what makes it so much harder to find time for the both of us to spend time together. But we will someday soon. Besides, his birthday is coming up...

I am the busiest little body you will ever know. I put so much stress on this little body of mine, and thankfully all my hardwork pays off in the end. School is always a big stress on me. But it's always around this time of the year that stresses me out the most. Because it's almost midterm. It's Nutcracker season. My muscles are all tight because of the weather. I'm knitting + crocheting hats to keep the money rolling in. Auditions for summer programs start in January. I need to start taking SATs next spring. College stuff is just around the corner...and when will I ever get a chance to settle down for just a few minutes and BREATHE?!

Sunday is the orchestra performance. I'm rolling on a tennis ball as I type. While wrapped up in my snuggie. I'm going to decorate a pair of pointe shoes to donate to the boutique tomorrow. I just love being a ballerina.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

"a stupid mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won't hurt you again."--unknown

I believe that there is good in everyone. Some are harder to find. While others where it on their face. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were good. And the moment I shook your hand and we exchanged "hello's", I knew that you were going to hurt me. And even though I knew there was good in you, and that I believe that there is good in everyone, and that you should expect the best out of everyone and everything, I just knew you were different. It all started with a "hello". Everything does. And I can't help but laugh at how it always works out that way. And I can't help but cry how it's come around full circle again. You and I will always be unfinished business, and I think we both just have to accept that....

Lately, I've been getting a lot of criticism about my blog and what I write in it. Messages about me being "conceited" and that I'm "trying too hard" have trickled into my anonymous truthbox + facebook page. Don't get me wrong. The interwebs is an amazing thing. It connects us with people + family across the world and make new friends in other states. Also, people get discovered and people get jobs through the interweb. But the worst thing about it is that people think that just because people can't see your face or hear your voice it's okay to say hurtful and mean things. It's not only happening to me. It's also happened to the amazing Keltie Colleen. She's a grown woman. She doesn't have time for your foolish games. And neither do I. Sure, you can think that I'm the msot self-centered person in the world while others will think that I'm just another wanna-be. But think all you want because I'm not going to change what I write on my blog or dance on that dancefloor because a few people don't like it. Because the way I look at it is that dancers are always wanting to please people. Whether it's when we're dancing or when we're not. It's just in our nature. But because we're so driven + determined, most of the time it doesn't matter. We just want to dance.

Just dance.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

making millions means nothing now.

"loving loosely looked so lonely."

Lately I've been working really hard on my finger picking skills (for lack of a better word) on the guitar. I've always wanted to know how to, and I don't have time for guitar lessons so I decided to take it into my own hands and just teach myself.
There are times in our lives when where the only person we can depend on is ourselves. After all, we're the only ones that can make our dreams come true. Sure we've got all the people that help you along the way, but it all starts with you saying "Let's go." It's okay for you to want nothing but the best for yourself. Actually, you should never lower the standards just for yourself. You should know that you deserve bigger and better things. This shouldn't sound like you're selfish in any way. What's so wrong about having self-respect and wanting nothing but the best for yourself? Everything you'll ever want will be different than the "everything" that someone else wants. That's what makes us all so different and a little less selfish. You never really realize that until you've been through something that has made you feel like you're only taking what you can get. It shouldn't be a matter of taking what you should get; you should take and get what you deserve. Which turns out to be more than you always think.

After Saturday, my feet have been begging for an ice bath. And I found myself writing a really cute, cheesy, very Taylor-Swift-like song while my feet were submerged in buckets of ice water. It's really cute + simple, and you should see a demo of it up on the music myspace in a few days. I've even started writing another song. Inspiration is in the air. And it's made it's way into me, and I'm working on new songs and new choreography. It's all going to work out from here.

This weekend is yet another show. We're performing with the Youth Symphony Orchestra, and we will be doing Nutcracker excerpts. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and I'm getting so excited for Christmas + Nutcracker all together! But I love how I get Christmas extra early because of Nutcracker rehearsals and all. Just the music and the energy at the studio just brings the feeling of sweet Christmas memories.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

"who else has perfect bevels?"

I took a Musical Theatre dance master class today, and the teacher asked "what's a bevel?". I proceeded to do what I was taught a bevel was, and she said, "That's was a bevel, but not a perfect bevel."
She then taught us how to do that "perfect" bevel and elaborated on the fact that Fosse was one of the greatest choreographers that ever lived. Then she asked, "Who else does perfect bevels?" and I shouted, "THE ROCKETTES!"
Yesterday I was channeling my best friend, and today I became Keltie.

I haven't had much of a dance career yet, but I've already learned so much from guest teachers + reading/researching online. And today that really paid off. One thing that I've learned along the way is that no matter where you're going, a class or an audition, always bring all your shoes. Ballet shoes, jazz shoes, pointe shoes, tap shoes, character shoes. Because you can never know what the teacher/auditioner will ask you to do, and there's no shame in being over prepared. Also, always carry an extra pair of tights and extra leo on your dance bag. I've had many instances where girl problems and last minutes rips and tears make taking a dance class impossible because you didn't have an extra pair of tights or another leotard. However, today I wasn't prepared on the extra pair of tights deal because I brought a pair of tights that were extremely too small on me, so I had to go tights-less today. I love being tights-less, but I was also bottom-less, so I had to borrow a pair of shorts from my other best friend, Sarah.

But what I also learned today is that you can never be "over-talented". For the longest time, I thought that I was trying to be an over-acheiver by trying do everything. Dance, write, paint, play music, write music, sing, draw, crochet, etc, etc, etc...but these days, everyone is always looking for more. In this world called show-biz, directors are looking for dancers who can sing and singers who can dance. These days you really can't limit yourself anymore to just one thing if you REALLY want to make it out there. I've learned so much because I've opened my eyes to something that I really want, and I'm going to make it happen.

The rest of my night consists of:
-ice bath for my angry feet
-my snuggie
-hot tea
-late night guitar playing
-and more Fosse

Saturday, November 07, 2009

my life is defined by boob sweat + crusty fake eyelashes.

"let me slip into something a little more christmas-y!"

Today was the one year anniversary of the Taubman art museum downtown, and it was marathon of dancing!
Yesterday, we had a full dress rehearsal. And frankly, I didn't do so well. I was forgetting steps. My fouettes were rubbish. And all I could think was: "I'm not ready". Thankfully, I'm constantly surrounded by people that are just as (if not more) driven than I am, and they always have faith in other people (just like I do). The girls around me, and my director, Pedro, had the highest hopes for me and believed in me when I couldn't even believe in myself. I had tears in my eyes, yet when I laid down to sleep that night, I was finished with that day. There was nothing else I could do but get some rest and hope for the best.

We started today off with the usual warm up, but I was a wee bit late because I had to get the flu virus shot up my nose. (Get those vaccines, kids!) And we left for the museum speedy quick to do a little bit of tech + spacing. Our usual dressing room has been switched to a giant abandoned elevator. At first it was really sketchy to think that we were in an elevator, but after a while, you couldn't even tell that you were in an elevator. Before I even got into costumes or makeup, I practiced my fouettes on stage. They weren't the best they could be, but they were better than yesterday that's for sure. And all I could think was: "You can do it, Bria. You are fearless." I then went on my iTouch to check my horoscope, and it said something along the lines of: "You're feeling a little doubtful today. If you just believe in yourself, you will be able to do it." And that definitely helped me prepare myself for the crazy show ahead of me.
And let me just say that the entire day I was channeling my best friend, Dylan. She's the most relaxing + chill person you will ever meet. And our backstage capitan, Mrs. Munson, pointed out to me that I was just like her when it was about 15 minutes to the top of the show, and I wasn't even done with my makeup yet. I mean, it's probably not the greatest thing to not be ready 15 minutes before the top of the show, but it felt good feeling like my best friends for an entire show. The show started with "Sabor Latino", a spicy + sassy jazz piece. It went swimmingly, and then after that was where the mayhem erupted. From that point on, I was running a marathon of dancing and quick changes that never seemed to end.
It's so weird because when you're backstage, a full, 2 minute piece seems like 5 seconds backstage. But I want to thank all the hands that helped me slip out of and get hooked into every costume. Also, I'd like to note that it's very hard to put on some costume when you're wet and sticky from sweat.
Thankfully, my fouettes in Marzipan went even better in the performance. I didn't get them all, but I saved it and made it look good. I just couldn't believe that I still had energy at that point! Also, at this point, my arches were cramping up like crazy and my breathing was off. But good thing I can put on a fabulous smile on top of it all!

I finally got to take a breath right before Jingle Bells kickline because the Grand Pas from The Nutcracker was going on. I took my time which seemed a little strange at the time. I also made great use of a prop by using the Chinese fans to cool off for a bit. And there's nothing I love more than slipping into a full, red, spandex body suit and a Santa hat at the end of a great show. And I was just being a good friend and reminded everyone that we still had 3 more hours of rehearsal after the show. You're welcome ladies!

And I'd just like to say that my mom is the best audience member in the world. She is always the first one to start clapping. She is always the first one to stand up at the end of the show. She is always the only one clapping with her hands above her head. Why did I even worry about some boy coming to show when I could have the best audience member there instead? Also, she knows that sushi after a show and right before more rehearsals makes my day absolutely perfect.

It's shows like this. Days like this. That remind me why I do this. Why this career chose me. It's not everyday that I get to do 3 quick changes in one show. It's not everyday that I get to do a jazz dance, a modern dance, a classical ballet dance, and a kickline in one show. It's not everyday that the only thing I'm worrying about is if I'll get out of my costume quick enough. It just feels so right to be one place with so much focus and so much passion. I might not be at the height of my career quite yet, but I feel so lucky to be following my dream with a clear-as-it-can-be path ahead of me. I would NEVER EVER have it any other way.

At the moment: my feet hate me. Very very very much.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

that's a good start.

so if you want to be with me, with these things there is no telling, we just have to wait and see...
besides maybe this time it's different
i mean, i really think you like me

There's nothing more perfect than me in a snuggie + bright eyes + knitting + a smile on my face + this feeling in my heart.

The universe is really working hard for me right now. I can tell. And it can work hard for you, too. You just have to give it a good reason to.
Break routine.
Love yourself.
Let go, jump, and breathe.

"that's a lot farther away than my dreams tonight"

Don't take this the wrong way, but...
My life is so much better without you.

I feel so much more focused + happy without knowing what you're doing or worrying about what I'm going to do next. I don't have a single regret of any moment we spent together, but I feel like every piece of you that I still hold on to is nothing but lies. But I think that it's your infidelity + lies that make me realize that I'm worth more than I think, and that I just need to find the right boy who will figure that out on his own. I never said that it was going to be easy to move on, but I've pushed through all the hard parts and I'm ready for the easy part. It's never enough to just say that you're done, you really have to finish something that you started. I need to finish this. You're going public soon about you + the other girl, and all I want to do is congratulate you. I don't need you to apologize or feel bad about the situation, I've done enough of that. For the both of us. All you have to do is accept the fact that I'm okay with it and that I'm not going to be in your life anymore. Because you're long gone from mine.

I'm loving the way my life is going for me right now. I can get through a ballet class and not worry about that txt message from you waiting for me at the end of class. I can get through a whole day of school and not think about where you are all day and if you're thinking about me. I can talk to you and laugh at every response you say because I know that you're nothing but a liar. I just love how things work out that way. Gladly, I have better (or worse) things to think about right now...

First show (of many) is this Saturday, and I don't feel like I'm ready. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this weekend, and it's kind of a test run for how the real thing is going to be. I'm working so hard for what I want and embracing everything that's going wrong right now. It's the best I can do before I can start holding on to things that are great, yet don't exist. I guess that goes for real life, too. I have to hold on to what I have now, but be ready for greater things to make their way into my life. I can't say that I have a new fellow in my heart, because he's been there all along. And I just can't help but think that it's what I've been waiting for.

Because I just love waking up to him saying this:
"i wanted a dream [about you]... so what am i gonna think about all day? ;)"

Monday, November 02, 2009

that's what they all say.

I've had a fantastically busy weekend.

Friday I wore one (of the three) of my Halloween costumes to school. I was a gladiator. But I looked so high fashion, you probably couldn't even tell that I was a gladiator. Not many people did, but oh well. (You were some king just to prove a point, but you just ended up looking like a dumbass). That night, I went on a grand date with my friend. He treated me out to dinner, the football game, and even dessert after. It felt strange for a boy to pay for everything for me (because you never did), but I couldn't complain about him being a gentleman. The game was fun, and I spent the night screaming crazy things and dancing all over the place with my best friend. I love us. I wouldn't want any other best friend. Ever. We lost the game, but that was already expected. Also, I saw you in the front with the other girl. Don't worry, I know you saw me. You don't have to pretend anymore. She looks happy. But when I saw you see me, I could see a little guilt on your face. And I couldn't help but laugh.

Saturday was Halloween of course!! A bunch of us dressed up to rehearsal, and there were some really super cute costumes. A couple of girls were Batgirl + Supergirl and made really cute things to put on their leotards. So creative! I took all of my ace bandages (since I have so many :P) and wrapped myself up and called myself a mummy. Mr. Pedro wore his crazy spandex + a clown wig! He always knows how to make a rehearsal fun. He even brought a whole bucket of candy for us to much on all rehearsal long! Us dancers can never resist some sweets. We ran snow a couple of times with the new changes. Also, we got some of the divertessments done (like Spanish, Chinese, and Arabian). The orchestra director came that day to listen and watch for each divertessments to make sure that he's conducting correctly. I really can't wait to perform with the orchestra! I did last year at Holiday Pops, but that was for the kickline. This time I get to do it with a classical divertissment! So exciting! And to finish rehearsal, we finally finished the kickline! It's really fun and super sassy! I can't wait to dance it for the public this weekend! ...OMG! Our first show (of many!) is this weekend! Oh my! Time flies when you're having fun!
Then Halloween night, I was off to an awesome party thrown by one of my really good friends. She always has the most fabulous parties. As you can see, my friends and I were the best Cheetah Girls ever! I never knew I could pull of cheetah print, but it actually doesn't look half bad on me, ha! Thank you so much, Steph, for letting me borrow your dress. You're a sweetheart! I spent the night dancing (when am I not dancing?) and just having a great time. That night, I just stuck to things that I'm good at: dancing, drinking diet coke, walking in high heels, and forgetting my retainer. It was a great night, and it was a great way to end the month of October.

I realized this weekend that I'm a girl that can turn heads. I'm completely dateable. You just have to get to know me, and that's where every boy fails. I've been told many times that I can be quite intimidating at first. I don't mean to be! Just talk to me! I swear I don't bite! I don't know what else I can do but smile and hope for the best.
I met an old friend at the party, and we found ourselves talking about guitars and scary movies. We then continued the conversation into the next day, and he said that he wanted "to get to know me now". I've known this boy for a couple of years now, and I just want to know why now? Why not earlier? He then continued on to tell me that he's "not like other guys". He really isn't. He's such a sweet, handsome, and talented boy, and I'm just afraid that he's just thinking of the same things.
I don't want this to end the same way as we did. As much as I want to believe that he's not like other guys (like he claims), I can't help but think that he is just like the rest of them. Only having one thing on his mind, and it's not the same thing that I've got on my mind. I could be completely wrong, but I'm not ready to just jump into something like that. Not again. It's just not fair to myself to keep putting myself through so much temptation + hurt, especially since I know how most of it is going to end. I'm just not going to go into little cars driving into secret nights anymore. I want something real. And I'm not going to spell it out for anyone anymore because no one ever seems to know how to read these days. I'm just going to wait for that one person that's going to be strong enough and that's going to care enough to know what's on my mind. Then you can give me a call about how I want to do things.

What I love most about my life: going to the craft store to the yarn aisle and conversing with older women about crocheting.