Monday, January 11, 2010

i am reborn + forgiven.

"when you know you hurt a girl, it sucks. it sucks."

This past weekend, I attended a church retreat. I myself am not very strong in the faith that I have been brought up in, so I thought that I could take this opportunity to maybe find that faith. And I didn't. Before people start damning me to hell, let me just say that I just can't find myself fully immersed in something that I just can't grasp and believe in. I try so hard to look for little things that I can maybe attach myself to to try to find that connection to what I can't seem to believe in. But everything I do just doesn't work. And instead of being persecuted for something that I don't believe in, I'm going to talk about things that I do believe in.

We spent the weekend in this small retreat house on the side of a mountain looking onto a lake frozen in time. The temperatures were below freezing, which gave me and my friends lots and lots of snuggling time. There was nothing around us but farms. Although the trees and other vegetation seemed to be dead all around us, I found beauty in the sparkling snow and frozen lake. I woke up to this landscape yesterday knowing that I came here for a reason, and that reason was to grow stronger in your faith and find something you believe in. But no one ever said that it had to be something that they were teaching.

In an effort to teach us about sin + temptation (apparently something I seem to know all about), the leaders broke us up into different groups to discuss certain topics. My group was given the topic of "Sex without commitment is natural and okay." I brought up the fact that I just finished reading a book about a slut (Loose Girl: A Memoir...). I seemed like I was the only person talking in the group. But then a boy spoke up.
He told the group how he made a mistake when he was involved with a certain girl. He said, "Just knowing that I hurt her, hurts me. I can't look at her sometimes." He told us the whole story without any shame of his mistakes and who he was. And he wasn't a boy to me anymore. He was a man. Sometimes guilt is mistaken for cowardness. And sometimes insecurity is feigned by ignorance. And now I know that's why you won't speak to me anymore, and I can finally forgive myself for apologizing for something that wasn't my fault.

Even without fully believing in what was taught to me this weekend, I have found myself reinvented and forgiven. Stepping outside in the stinging cold and learning through others' mistakes gave me a different understanding of who I am and who I am not. I left the city below me behind for just a couple of days to rediscover myself.

So I believe in beauty, forgiveness, time, and peace. I respect all people and religions of the world and demand equality. I'm waiting on our world to change for the better. And at that time, our whole generation will reinvent themselves and stand for something that we can all believe in.
On Saturday night, I threw my past mistakes and regrets in the fireplace and left them there. Never to see the depths of my heart ever again.

7 comments:

buzzlove said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
buzzlove said...
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Chevalier T. said...

Hey Bria,
I've just recently started following your blog (I was your 60th follower!) and I just wanted to say your posts are so truthful and refreshing to read.
I'm sixteen aswell and I'm going through some similar situations as you so it's great to be able to read your blog and know I'm not alone out there.

Thank you :)

xoxo

buzzlove said...

You go to a church retreat to learn about God, but instead you choose to learn more (and more. and more.)about... Bria Ballerina. Nice to see you're prioritizing ++++ keeping an open mind

bria ballerina said...

Hi Chevalier,
It's always nice to know that you're not alone on these young years of the beginning of our lives. And it's just as comforting to know that I know that there are others such as yourself going through the same thing.

Thank you for being here as well.

<3bria

PS. buzzlove - I didn't say that I didn't learn anything about God. I just try not to touch the religions on this blog so that people of all religions can read it and feel comfortable. But I did learn a lot more about God this trip than I thought that I would. I opened up my heart and mind to Him and the people around me which caused to expose this part of me that I never knew either. And learning so much about God made me realize that there is so much that I do not understand and do not grasp, therefore, it's hard to say that I am a faithful Christian when I am not. I'm just being honest in the most humble way.

buzzlove said...

Oh, I see,and yeah I understand that and I agree... Sorry, I guess that was a bit harsh. Your blog is cool. :)

marcella . said...

i wanna agree with chevalier t. recently the guy i went to homecoming with i found out that he was talking about me, and now we dont talk. i know he probably doesnt feel bad about it, but reading about the guy that did makes me feel a little better. thanks.