Thursday, January 07, 2010

loose girl.

"i heard that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."--from loose girl: a memoir of promiscuity by kerry cohen

I read this book in less than about one day.
For those of you that know this book, I want to tell you right now that I am not that girl. But I will tell you that I sometimes feel like that girl. The confused and needy girl. Not the sex addicted, promiscuous girl. But I will confess to you now that I've had my share of thrilling evenings with a boy which make me understand this book to a certain point. And that is all I will leave it at.

I read this book thinking that I would try to understand this girl and, well, be disgusted. There were moments that I was disgusted, but I agreed with many things she wrote about. She wrote about wanting someone to love her, and that was all she ever lived for. Sometimes I feel this way, and as much as I know better, I can't help it.

Ever since grade school, I've always been boy crazy. I took a liking to boys very early, and I let them know it. I chased them around the jungle gym. I told them straight up. And still their shriek and exclamation of "cooties!" was a painful rejection. Just at that young age. But good thing for me, I was good at finding a new boy to crush on. But I was always too eager. I was always rushing to be "grown up" and have a boyfriend.

I remember I had a "boyfriend" in 2nd grade. His name was Joe. He had cute freckles on his face. We held hands during recess. He told me about the ghost in the girl's bathroom, and for me to be careful because he didn't want to lose me. We were Pokémon fanatics together. That was also the year that I moved away from California to Maryland. And he swore to me that he would tell his mom to come visit me for summer vacation. But he never did. And I don't know which is the more pathetic part: the fact that I still remember or that maybe I might still be in love with the memory of my first boyfriend.

But In contrast to the story of this book, I grew up in a healthy household. My parents love each other very much. I grew up seeing them always happy together and perfect. It was never too rough around the house, so why do I still feel so empty and lonely?
I read about the story of the growing list of boys she has slept with, and I still feel like I saw myself in this story without having to be the girl of the evening. Her expectations were always so high, and they were always shot down by her desperation and the reality of this world. The fact that she never forgot the ones that meant something to her after all these years scares me that I will never forget mine either. That maybe years from now I'll look back and still feel like it is unfinished business.

The feelings of longing for a perfect relationship and that one boy who will love me forever always seems to be there where ever I go. My desperation for someone to hold me always seems to be on the surface no matter how hard I try to hide it. And like Kerry, it is what makes me unlovable. She too at a young age believed that kissing = love. I've been through enough to know that it doesn't. But like she, I'm a big flirt. I continually tease boys and somehow lure them in with my mystery and quirky comebacks. It often makes me smile to feel like I have a boy wrapped around my finger, and all I have to do is say the words and he will kiss me. But that isn't something to be very proud of.

I am too good at hiding how I really feel. I'm afraid of being vulnerable. And this is why when I saw him kiss her today, I turned my head away and told a joke to start laughing. Laughing so hard until I cry when I really was just crying.
The best thing about this book is that it made me realize that I have so much more of my life to live. I know that I always say that, but seeing it like this makes it real. It seems like her life had only began when she was sixteen, and there was so much more of the book to read at that point.

I'm no loose girl. But sometimes I feel like the lonely girl inside that loose girl.

And somehow this has lead me to do this variation.
Here Cinderella is teasing the Prince at the ball.
I'm even a tease when I dance...


Alex said...

I took a liking to boys very early, and I let them know it.

Yes.So did I. And it sucks. I can't hide my feelings,I'm so terrible at that. I get that feeling, how do I explain this...okay,you are in a library, you really want to cough but you can't because you know its going to distract others, but you have to, and there's this feeling in your throat that just says,"Let it out! Let ME out!!" That's exactly how I am with my feelings. And sometimes I get in trouble because of this. But the part that sucks is that, whenever I do tell them how I feel, they run of and ignore me. I get so mad, I talk to them. "Your a coward, you know that? I just said I liked you and you freak out." So eversince I started this school year, I promised myself that I would be myself. But I came to realize that myself is trouble, and ended up being the shy girl. I try hard not to like boys at this age. But I do get butterflies when HE talks to me, but I have to remember that he belongs to someone. I really hate that, but I learned to take medicine and get rid of that nasty cough.

Love Always,

PS- I remember when I was young and a dancer that I would spend ALL day watching videos like the one you posted. My room was pink and decorated with ballerinas. I promised myself that I would become just like them. But like you said and I quote, "Only make promises you can keep." That is the saddest part of my life. :(

bria ballerina said...

I think that is exactly what happened to me this year as well, Alex. I've spent so much of my younger years chasing the boys, and for once I thought it would be nice to have it the other way around. And this year, it did happen. I found a boy that was chasing around the quiet + more simple me. So, I took it in as much as I could. My eagerness, like I said, took the best of me, and I ended up ruining the relationship. I ruined everything. And we all get what we deserve, and I know that I did.
And now I'm more shy than before afraid that my desperation will show like it always has before. It's a battle that I'm going to have to keep fighting and discovering about myself. But I'm not afraid.

And Alex, it's never to late to keep that promise. Just please never never never ever give up.


PS. The other day, he ran away from me because I was walking towards him to talk to him. Just to talk because I'm trying to move on as much as he has, and he just ran away. And I knew at that point that I was actually the stronger person out of the two of us because I took the courage to try to talk, and he just ran away.

Alex said...

I'm glad there's someone out there going through the same thing as me. :)
We are strong ladies ;D

I will never give up. There's a gazillion years ahead of me.

Thanks for being awesome!