Wednesday, February 24, 2010

the apology.

Keltie once wrote:

"When 'I'm sorry' is a staple of your vocabulary it becomes useless. I want a change in behavior, a change in your character, and I know that is impossible to ask of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try to change that. I'm accepting you as you, and moving on."

I thought that this applied to my situation so much. I thought that his silent apologies were useless, and he didn't have to say a single word for me to know that he just saying "sorry" over and over again. The way he would look at me in the hall and then look at the other girl, I just knew that he couldn't look me in the eye because of what he wanted to say. The way he just straight up ignored me. It was at those moments that I knew that I was the bigger person by walking away from something that I knew that hurt me. I knew at those moments that he wasn't regretful but only sorry.

Last night, he apologized to me. And I couldn't help but burst into tears. I was caught off guard and by surprise by the two little words: "I'm sorry". I was shocked. Stunned. And stupified.
I've dreamt of him coming back and apologizing for walking away and hurting me, and I would just say that it's too late. I expected to not take his apologies and tell him to save his breath. I would say that he would have to deal with the guilt of knowing that things could never be the same. I would say that he had his chance, but he chose immaturity...But I'm not like that. I believe in forgiveness and 2nd chances. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Life is too short to go through with grudges + regrets. Always remember that.

So the truth is: I've been waiting for so long to just hear these two simple word; I've deserved these words and this feeling for so long. And there they were. His apology was his "change in character". "His change in behavior". That I was waiting for all this time. He was surrendering to his guilt, and he became the smaller person. And he realized that. He admitted to being immature, and I couldn't feel more satisfied. Most of what I wanted him to figure out, he has, and has apologized for it. And it's a different kind of happiness.
I can't take him back. Because, like I said, things could never be the same. But now I feel like things have finally ended. Unfinished business is now finished. This wall is taken down. The case is closed. And I feel good.

And with this situation, I finally believe in "better late than never".
And now I feel like I can finally let go........

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