Tuesday, February 09, 2010


"the more you search + look, the more blind you become." - mom

Last night I had a heart-to-heart with my mother (isn't she beautiful?). Even though she was miles away on a business trip in Dallas, she still knows what it takes to make me understand and feel better.
I told her what has been on my mind for the past week: I'm afraid to grow up. I never realized it until just about a week ago. And this is when she told me stories about her first leaving home and what it's like to be out on your own. She is the smartest woman I know.

It was then that I realized that all that she has done to me was training to do nothing but make the right decisions. It's all in preparation for me to go out on my own. My career is going to take me to many different places, but that's what I'm looking forward to most. I will experience so many things that just so few get to experience. My mother confessed to some things I never would've thought a grown-up or mommy would ever confess to. But it made me realize that once again that we're all human with the same bones, muscles, brains, and feelings. Hardly anything sets us apart from each other.

I explained to her that the thing that I'm most afraid of is being alone. And I realized that my career can be a lonely life, but it's what I want to do and I love doing it so that's all that ever matters to me. I told her how I wonder how some people do it. How some people can be constantly happy. I'm not saying that I'm constantly depressed. I'm saying that I somehow only know how to make others happy, but I don't know how to make myself happy sometimes. And my mom explained it all in one single word: envy. I was confused because I consider myself to be not a particularly jealous person. She said that sometimes you look for something that is right in front of you. And I know that most of what I will ever need is right in front of me. Happiness is a choice, so choose to look for the happiest things in your life first before searching for things that you might already have.

Thanks to some tears, my mommy's wise + kind words, and a hot cup of tea, I don't think I'm so afraid of growing up anymore.

Mommies are the best. Don't ever get too mad at her for the things she does because she does them for a reason. You won't realize that until years later, like me now. Don't ever grow apart from her as you grow older because the older you get, the more you'll need her.

Here's to another school-less day + great mommies!


Loor said...

Sweetie, let me tell you that you are definitely not the only one that is afraid to grow up. I am almost 23 and I'm still afraid to grow up. I think it is because things change when you grow up. You get tossed into the unknown. I will be graduating a little over four months and it scares me. Because for the first time in my life, I have no idea where I'm headed at.
But you know, then I read all these amazing blogs (yours, Kelties, IWroteThisForYou, ...) and you give me hope. You learn me that it's okay to chase my dreams, to stick up for myself. And you learn me that I'm not alone. So thank you!

And on a side note: very happy you like the banner :)! I opened this blog for the first time in a couple of weeks tonight and I was like: Hey, I know that banner from somewhere. Lol, let's just say it's been a long day and I should be heading for bed :).

bria ballerina said...

Wow, thanks for your insight! It really helps. And I don't mind feeling like I'll never grow up. I just know that I'll be leading a life that I'll love!!

And thank you for being such a wonderful follower <3


PS. Yes, the banner is fabulous! And I think tonight is one of those nights for me ;)