Saturday, March 20, 2010

pursuit of happiness.

"may we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. as we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot of should not have." - richard l. evans

Happiness is a choice. And it's a choice that I try to choose every day. No matter what is going on in my life, I'd like to be able to walk out of the door every morning with a smile on my face. To approach each day with the intention of being happy.
But there was a long time in my life where I chose happiness for the wrong reason. I chose happiness because I felt trapped. I chose happiness because I forced myself to love a boy that would never love me back. He made me happy; there's no doubt about that. He made me happy enough for me to love him, but never enough for him to love me back. It was the happiest I've ever been in my life thus far, but looking back, I see that it wasn't true happiness. I was afraid that I wouldn't be happy without him. But I was only lying to myself. I thought that if I tried hard enough, it would happen. But I really knew that I was better than these secrets + lies, and that he didn't deserve my patience, kindness, and forgiveness. So, I was being the ever-so-hopeful, too-trusting version of myself that I'm too good at putting on. And I played that part for more than a year. Too long.

But when I was finally free of him, I discovered that I was happier without him. I didn't have to worry about his silences or how many text messages I sent him. I didn't have to worry about looking for him in between classes or getting a chance to say goodbye to him at the end of the day. I didn't have to worry about wearing his favorite color or trying to look good with his car. And that's what made me truly happy. So, here's the thing: don't put yourself through something because you're good at lying to yourself. Don't put yourself through something you know you're better off without. And even though it doesn't look like it now, brighter days are ahead with happiness. Even if that means letting go of that one thing that is holding you back...

In exactly one week is our show of Coppelia. Which means that Monday is the beginnings of theatre week!! It's a little bittersweet going to the theatre because this is the last big performance of the company's season. And I know that I really shouldn't be thinking about this, but I realized today that there are only a few more months until my last Nutcracker with the company. I really can't believe that I'm this old! I can't believe that I've been with the company this long to see it grow so much in such a short period of time. Just unbelievable. I am so excited to be in the theatre though. Coppelia is one of my favorite ballets. It's so great to watch and even more fun to be a part of! We are so excited to present this show, and I think it shows in all the long day rehearsals. It's so refreshing.

However, I've hit a little bump in the road because my right knee is inflammed + filled with fluids. Ick. It hurts, and I'm forced to take it easy and dance in flat shoes rather than pointe shoes. I know that it's only for the best, but it makes me a little nervous when it's a week until the big show...thank goodness for big bags of ice!

See you all in theatre week!

PS. I always love cute, little, foreign singers.

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