Wednesday, April 28, 2010
When I was younger, mostly middle school, I said that I got along better with boys because I was so afraid of girls. I was afraid of their harsh judgments. I was afraid of their whispering and their gossip. I was afraid that I they would have 2 faces and stab me in the back when I wasn't looking. Most of the girl friends that I had in elementary school were liars, fakes, and backstabbers. Thus, creating this pushing away I had against girls and getting closer to guys. I've always been a tomboy ever since I was a little girl. I was always hanging out with the boys, playing video games with them, wearing overalls, playing on the basketball court, and playing in the dirt. I have always been a tomboy at heart. Which is probably another reason why I got along with boys so well. But that's not the point of this blog; I just rambled...
But over the years, I've gained and lost some great guy friends. (I also thought it was a little funny that one little space between the words "boy" and "friend" could make a big difference what these boys mean to me...) Although I've grown apart from a few of them, there are couple that I've gotten really close to within the past year or so. I think that every girl should have a good guy friend. The couple that I can call my best guy friends are such good friends to me. It's comforting.
So today I went on a hike in the woods with one and spent two hours on the phone with the other. Both were so meaningful because it brought me closer to both of them. For an hour or so, I admired the flowers and the sunset. We talked about old friends and our plans for the future. It was a little bittersweet since we're getting to the end of the school year, but it was just nice to talk with him. Later on in the evening, the other called me just to talk about things. He has had a lot on his mind lately, and we were both in need of a good venting/ranting/confessing session. And whenever I talk to this fellow, he makes me think. He makes me focus on myself, which is something I don't normally tend to do. He tells me to stop worrying about other peoples' happiness before mine. He told me that the way I burden myself with other peoples' happiness is wrong, and I couldn't help but agree.
He told me to stay away from someone that has continuously hurt me. And as you might be able to tell, I still can't get away from this heartbreaker. My friend has told me that he hates to see me getting hurt like this, and I realized that I hate seeing myself like this, too. He then continued to say, "It takes just one less press of a button to text him 'no' than 'yes'. Just one less."
And that's the truth. I can keep wasting time, energy, and my soul by saying "yes" every time he wants to come back into my life. But I keep choosing to say "yes" every single time. Why? I don't know...
But here's where it's going to change. I need to help myself because no matter how much great advice my friends give me, if I don't take it and help myself, nothing is going to change. You need to help you. You're going to find the greatest people that you will call your best friends, and they're going to help you as much as they can. But in the end it's all up to you. You have to take that first step. Whether it's a skittering step to the left or a giant grand jete leap to the right, it's all you.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I am so sick and tired of people taking me for granted.
I am too good at keeping people in my life that constantly hurt me. And I am too good at still being nice to these people. And I am too good at pretending that everything between me and these people is fine + dandy. I'm always going to be that person that will tell you that you look handsome in that shirt, that your hardwork has been rewarded, that you're exceptionally intelligent, that you have a great sense of humor, that you're a good dancer, that you make me happy. I'm definitely good at being that person to boost your confidence. And I do this because I love to see you happy more than anything else. And you don't realize it.
I'm always going to be that person for you, but I can't keep chasing after something that isn't going to run the same distance for me. I'm worn out + tired. My little heart can't run for much longer.
We might not be together forever.
But I will always be here to love you.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tonight in modern class, the topic of self-esteem came up. My teacher told us that it's very important to love yourself. You have to love every fiber of yourself because you are the only thing that you're stuck with for the rest of your life. She told us that when she teaches younger students, she makes them stand in front of the mirror, look at themselves in the eyes, and have them say, "I am beautiful. I am talented. I am meant to dance."
My teacher then said, "They need to learn that at an early age."
I can honestly say that I wish I learned that self-esteem is important. I grew up most of my childhood with a low self-esteem and self-image. Almost everyday, I would wake up wishing that there was something different about me. I would wish I was taller, skinnier, white, prettier, and then I would bash myself saying that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, popular enough, cool enough, et cetera et cetera...I can honestly say that my insides were dark, foggy, and unclear. I was constantly hiding who I really was because I was afraid that it wasn't ever good enough. And looking back now, I see that the more I changed myself, the more unhappy I became. The more I tried so hard to be something that I wasn't, the more distant I became with the people around me as well as myself.
I can't really call myself a success story. There are days when I still find myself looking in the mirror and not being completely satisfied with the way I look or the person I've become. But I can say that I've made an improvement from when I was younger. Sometimes I hate looking back because I was such a sad person. I was such a sad girl. And looking back at the sad person that I was motivates me more to never go back to that. I've lost the best parts of myself to the most beautiful people with the ugliest kinds personalities. But I've also discovered parts of me that make me better than the last version of myself.
See yourself the way you want others to see you.
You have to love you. Now give yourself a hug and smack on the butt for being the smartest, sexiest, most loving, talented, beautiful, and real version of yourself.
Now don't change.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The long, yet fantastic, day began with a couple of hours of hair doing. The 60's hairstyles were super fun, and I didn't have to wear a wig this time!! All natural. Well, kind of - there were tons of hairspray and bobby pins plastered to my head, so I guess it wasn't really all natural. During warm up, Mrs. Munson was pulling people out from class to get fitted for a few costumes for the photoshoot tomorrow. I tried on my "surprise" costume, and it sent shivers down my spine just putting on the costume. It hasn't really hit me yet that I'll be dancing as "her" in less than a year!! I can gladly say that I can almost tell you my big news!! I might be able to drop a few hints tomorrow while I'm getting all dolled up and getting my picture taken at the photoshoot.
We packed things up after warm-up and headed out to the venue downtown. It was a little crazy downtown because there was a marathon going on. I watched as several people crossed the finish line, and I admired them for what they could do. I definitely know that I couldn't run 26+ miles. That's dedication + stamina. And it made my little twirls and kicks look a bit mundane...
Once we were in the theatre, we started marking things on the stage as the band warmed up and did sound check. John and I have done this dance so many times that it's almost 2nd nature. Muscle memory and chemistry take over once the music starts playing. But it's not so typical that we don't enjoy it. Every time we do this dance, we discover more and more about each other and the way each other's bodies work. It's truly amazing. And I think that's what "chemistry" really means between a dance couple.
Glitters, lipstick, eyelashes. We're all ready to do, so the show begins. John was being a little silly nilly goose and freaking out saying that he would forget something. So, there we were backstage feeding off of each others' nerves. As the band finished off the last song, I gave John one last pat on the back, and we walked onstage. It was probably one of the best times we've ever done it. No fumbling hands. No slipping of feet. No steps forgotten. And we were happy.
The show ended with the great finale of "Respect", and everything was fabulous as always. A standing ovation from the audience, and everyone was beaming with confidence and glistening with the sweat of hardwork. The smell of success. Now it was time to party!!
We walked about a block away to a dandy little theatre where we watched a recording of Coppelia. It's a strange thing to watch yourself dance, I think. I, personally, start getting all nit-picky about the little things that I do. I am so harsh on myself when it comes to the way I dance. My arms were weird there. My foot wasn't pointed. My leg wasn't high enough. There's always some fixing to do, but that's one of the best parts of this job. You're always striving for this greater version of yourself. You're only going to get better. You're only going to go up. Never down.
The party was fun with bowls full of candy and hearts full of joy.
It was best way to end the season.
Goodbye, 09-10 season!! You were a crazy one!!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Everything we talked about tonight made me realize that I really am a part of something greater than myself. Greater than all of us put together. There are so many people contributing to the company. There is just so much love going into this art form and the dancers involved. It's so inspiring.
Things I didn't know about the company, but now I do =
-we reach out and help over 10,000 people in the community.
-over the past year, we've had over 250 volunteers helping out backstage, in the studios, at fundraising events, etc. for thousands of hours. They're the ones that really keep the company together.
-the budget for the year is about $200,000, or $4,000 per dancer. This includes studio renting, costs for each performance, and pointe shoes and tights for the dancers.
So much time, money, sweat, and love goes into this company. I am a lot more appreciative of everything and everyone that helps out because without them, we wouldn't exist!! That picture up there is a picture of one of the ways we raise money. It's called "A Girl and Her Tutu", and that right there is my tutu!! Every year, a senior company member fills out a questionnaire, and the answers to the questions end up on a little card attached to a tutu made by a volunteer. These things sell like hot cakes!! Actually, they're not only sold at our shows, but also in different stores around the city. So if you happen to see one of these on display, buy one!! They make great gifts for any tiny, aspiring dancer!!
Tomorrow is the end of the 09-10 season for the company with the last Taubman show of the season and a cast party afterwards!! Photoshoot on Sunday!!
PS. I love chocolate fondu fountains.
I adore you.
I love everything about you. I wish you knew how much I cared about you. I wish I knew how much you were loved.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tonight, I watched over 100 elementary school and middle school students dancing all together one on stage. All on the beat. All smiling. All having fun. All full out. So rad.
I was an usher for the Minds in Motion "Dare to Discover" performance, and as I escorted many of the parents to their seats, I could tell that they were excited for the show. Some even brought flowers for their child. The sweetest gestures like that let me know that all is still right with the world. Many of us stood by the front doors with fishbowls to collect donations for the program, and there were so many people willing to throw in their spare change and loose bills.
My company director, Pedro, taught many of the students in program. Some days, he comes into the studio totally stressed from the day working with 4th graders. You can see it written on his face. I never really understood what he was going through until I saw the show tonight. Well over 100 children were dancing to the beat, making complicated patterns, and just having a blast to be on such a grand stage. I realized that I would never have the patients to work with so many kids. But Pedro can. I swear, he is Superman. Amazing things Pedro does = directs a ballet company, teaches regular dance classes every week, teaching 4th graders every week, planning for the company, making new headpieces, etc. etc. etc. THE LIST GOES ON! He is truly an amazing man, and he does all of these things out of his love and compassion for others and for the art of dance.
Tonight, I saw the smiles on the childrens' faces that reminded me why dance is such an amazing thing to be a part of. They were doing simple steps, like stomping on the ground, low kicks, clapping, and simple arm movements. But they did it with this energy and zest that was so refreshing and inspiring. Their dedication to every single stomp and clap left me smiling through out the entire show. I was completely and utterly amazed at colorful display of young, grinning, dancing faces because it reminded me that this is how it should be. Everyone should dance like it's the last time they will ever dance. Everyone should love. Talk. Sing. Laugh. Skip. Play. Live. Like it's the last time you ever will.
These kids were fearless. It was so inspiring. And I'm so glad that I got to be a part of this show. What an experience.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This weekend was a busy one with one last rehearsal for the museum show on Saturday and the recital on May 8th. The last rehearsal for the MoTown show went really well. I think that everyone is ready for the show, so bring it on! It'll be a long day with the show, and right after, there is a cast party to close off the season! This season of 2009-2010 has been a mighty fun one! It has definitely been an amazing year for the company, and it's only going to get crazier!
Sunday the 25th is the photoshoot for the 2010-2011 season! It's going to be a long day taking pictures from 1 to 6 in the evening. We'll be taking several pictures in the photography studio as well as on the Blue Ridge Parkway! It's going to be a fun day!
This week is going to be a hectic one with the usual schoolwork load, as well as other fun activities planned for the week. This week is the week that Prom tickets will be going on sale. Every day of the week there will be some lovely people working at the ticket table to sell you your tickets for Prom 2010!! I'll be helping on Wednesday and Friday. On Thursday, there are auditions for the school talent show. At first, I was actually contemplating whether I wanted to audition or not. Usually, I'd be the first to sign up, but after the recent comments in my formspring, I've been quite self-conscious and confused about who I really am. But then I realized that I really shouldn't let anything et to my head because all that matters in my life are my family, my closest friends, and my dream. So I'm going to do what makes me happy. Take it or leave it. I'll be performing my scholarship audition piece I choreographed to "Last Request" by Paolo Nutini.
Also, on Thursday, I'll be volunteering to help out with the Minds in Motion performance. Minds in Motion is an after-school program for children to get active by dancing! It's inspired many of the young students to start taking real dance classes and getting involved with the ballet company. It's such an amazing thing to see so many young children getting so excited about dancing and learning how to dance. On Thursday, the kids are performing their end of the year performance, and I'll be there helping out for the evening. Come out and support the program! For more information about the Minds in Motion program, visit http://www.richmondballet.com/danceeducation/mindsinmotion.aspx
This weekend was a lovely one. I hope you all had a lovely weekend as well.
PS. Prom? In two weeks? Unbelievable...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My plans of being on this year's prom court have been shot down by the fact that prom prince + princess actually go to seniors as well, so....that's embarrassing. I was building up this teeny, tiny, miniscule (just trying to express how small of group it was) group of people that would nominate me, but now it's not even going down. Being the type of person that always tries to see the positive in every situation, I don't see my efforts as a total fail. I've built up the confidence of several students that I've spoken to. They've told me that they are proud of my stepping-out, and they continued on to say that they wish they were more like me. With which I responded, "You can be! Don't be so afraid. If you want it, you'll get it." I strongly believe that if you put your mind to something, you'll eventually get it some way or another. You just can't get anywhere without starting somewhere and without letting go for a single moment.
The fact that I'm realizing that being spontaneous can also be a bad thing has made me be a little more conscious of what I say and do (I'll never make that ^ mistake again...)
But good things can truly come out of it too. Your intentions are as good as you make them to be. Soon, but not too soon, I will be telling him how I really feel. I'll be telling him that there shouldn't be any excuses as to why we can't be together. And I'm going to tell him that there couldn't be anyone else perfect for me but him. The good that has come out of my honesty with him is that my expectation of things getting awkward were proven wrong when he said that he was happy that I was being completely honest with him. Honesty is the best policy. Letting a good opportunity pass me by isn't in my vision anymore. I'm making a promise to myself that I'm going to grab every opportunity that comes my way. Starting with him.
Hell, you only live once.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
And maybe I'm just selfish. And maybe I'm just so hardworking that I can't look anywhere else but forward. And maybe I'm just shutting everyone else out and only listening to myself. And maybe I'm just in my own dream world.
And maybe I'm just saying these things so that people will stop telling me that I'm a vain and big-headed person. Or just to stop hearing myself calling myself these things.....
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I have taken upon myself an inspiring + epic endeavor of getting nominated for this year's prom court. At my school, Homecoming court nominations have put the same people on the final ballot every single time. This makes it written off to be a "popularity contest". And what I want to do is prove that it could be something else. Something much more meaningful.
The ultimate goal is to be this year's prom princess. To represent all the underdogs. To represent all the people who have a few, yet irreplaceable, friends, an affable personality, and big heart that wants nothing but the best of people. To represent all the people who deserve to wear a crown on a special night.
I sat down, planned everything out, and thought about the different reactions and outcomes that could arise by executing this mission, and I counted more good things than bad. I thought how I might be ridiculed for trying to break the status quo, but I realized that this change isn't meant to do any damage to anything. Then I thought about how people wouldn't take me seriously, and I've come to the conclusion that I know my intentions and that I should never have to prove anything to anyone - people that are willing to listen and pay me their attention will and will be greatly appreciated for doing so. I could be called out as an attention-whore or a wannabe. Or I could be looked up to as a revolution and inspirer. I know that I'm not the prettiest or most popular girl in the grade, but I have a great, small group of friends and uplifting intentions. And hopefully that will be enough.
Looking at the plans, it looks virtually impossible, but when I started talking to my friends about it, they were all completely supportive. Your plans, for anything you do in life, are going to start small, but they have to start somewhere. And so, I've got my closest friends spreading the word about writing my name down on the little slip of paper handed out in homeroom on the day of court nominations. And in the end, maybe I'll be on the final ballot (hell, that's an accomplishment there), but I can't take my eyes off the prize of prom princess.
And maybe people will tease, ignore, and reject me.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Today it was back to the studio for a company rehearsal preparing for yet another Taubman Mueseum performance in 2 weeks! We'll be performing the MoTown selections again with the band Groovuhtational Pull (check out their facebook fan page! http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Groovuhtational-Pull/106023488334?ref=ts). The last time we did MoTown was back in September! And although it has been several months since we last performed these pieces, I've realized the importance of muscle memory + taking notes. Thankfully, the performance back in September was recorded, so we had a video to reference. But everytime I learn an important dance, variation, or a dance that I just enjoy, I'll write down the steps in my journal! And when John & I were called to rehearse the old pas, we had forgotten several steps, and the video, my notes, and mere muscle memory helped so much! It's amazing what the little nerves and fibers in your muscles can just remember just by doing something so many times. Our bodies are truly extraordinary!
Something amazing that happened today = I received the State Dance Scholarship for the second year in a row! I know that there were only 3 of us auditioning for it this year, but I was really wasn't expecting to get it again! The other girls were working so hard, and it definitely showed in the pieces they presented for the scholarship audition. But I guess this just really shows that hard work will pay off. I've never dreamed about receiving prestigious scholarships when I was a 3 year old in a tutu, but it's absolutely surreal when it actually happens. And this is my reality, and it's because I never stopped dreaming. I never stopped working. I never stopped creating. Or believing. And that's the thing about dreams. They want to be real just as bad as you want them to be, but you can't keep suppressing them. Seriously. Dreams coming true begins with you.
There is a lot coming up for me in the next few weeks! I just love it when these bursts of crazy workload come my way - it keeps me busy, and they're just fun! Like I said earlier, the museum performance is on the 24th of this month. On the 25th, the day after, I will be at a photoshoot for company events coming up in the 2010-2011 season! This photoshoot will include some pictures for shows as well as a special shoot for the seniors graduating next year. Yep, that's me (I'm not going to lie, I shed yet another tear today just thinking about being a senior next year...)! But I am very excited to get all dolled up and take some awesome pictures by my prom date's daddy!
Back to school on Monday. I'm not too stoked about that...
PS. This Kate McGill chick is rad. I can't stop listening to her.
Friday, April 09, 2010
It's easier to fall out of love with you when you're away. When I'm not around you. When you ignore me.
I'm not sure if I like it better that way or not.
Spring Break is coming to a close, and so far all I've done is listen to music, read, wrote songs, ate a lot of ice cream, and froze at the beach.
PPS. These girls are delicious. I can't stop listening to their cover of this popular song! Absolutely brilliant!
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
I don't like admitting to failure, but I've come to the realization that admitting to failure one can move on. Improve. Grow. Change. My hopes, dreams, and wishes of ever being with this person that I love have crashed + burned before my eyes several times. But I somehow manage to pick up all those broken pieces and recreate something new and different. But that's all they are: bits + pieces. An idea. A force. A being. Isn't as strong as when it's whole. So all these little pieces that I've pieced together aren't as strong as they were before. And as I watch them fail over and over again, I willingly get down on my hands and knees to get all cut up and dirty just to fix something that can't be fixed.
Maybe it's not the situation that needs fixing. And I don't expect him to want to fix himself. So maybe it's me; out of the two of us, I'm the only one willing to. I need to start listening to myself rather than the story that I think that's already written for me.
I always say that you create your own destiny. That you write your own story. That you are in control of your life and what happens. Yet I think that every bit of my life is already written out and everything that is thrown at me is just a part of the big story. And I'm wrong. And I always say that you shouldn't take what you should get. To not take just the next thing that comes along. To just wait patiently for something you deserve. Yet I'm putting myself through something that I could easily walk away from. And I'm doing the opposite of everything I just said...
So maybe I am making mistakes so that other people won't make the same mistakes. Maybe I am continuously taping + gluing the broken bits of me. But I'm not losing the best parts of me to the worst people and things in this world.
So here's what I have to say: listen to yourself when no one else will. Because you know what's best for you. You wouldn't be saying it unless you knew what you truly wanted. And if it's not what you truly truly want with all the fibers of your being, don't say it. Don't think it. Don't do it. Even if you think it's a part of your story. Do what you know you deserve. And take what you deserve and tolerate.
PS. This is my friend Tony. He's a beastly inspiration. This leaves me breathless.
PPS. I saw Tim Burton's "Alice In Wonderland" today. I didn't like it very much. But that's a different blog for a different night...
But maybe I'm just writing a bunch of songs about a boy I've never met. And maybe he's writing songs about me too.
This is a song about a boy I've never met
I don't know his name
This is a song about a boy I never knew
Every morning I get ready for him
This is a song about a girl with a lonely heart
Sunday, April 04, 2010
But sometimes it is.
Friday, April 02, 2010
I signed up for to receive these special notes from The Universe in my e-mail. And I'm glad I did. The Universe has a lot to say, and these e-mails keep me on track.
Listen to The Universe. Especially when you won't even listen to yourself.
Here's one of the notes sent to me recently...
"The slate's been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. bria, all that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.
It's not love. It's not God. It's not fate, or luck, or karma. It's not complicated or esoteric, and you needn't sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It's the only rule that's ever existed, and it's the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It's your purpose to discover it, and it's your destiny to master it. It's the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.
This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, bria, it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.
Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.
That you've even received this Note, that you're able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.
Ain't no Blarney,
To receive your very own notes from The Universe, go here!!