Wednesday, April 28, 2010

the best boy friends.

Today I spent some quality time with both of my best guy friends.

When I was younger, mostly middle school, I said that I got along better with boys because I was so afraid of girls. I was afraid of their harsh judgments. I was afraid of their whispering and their gossip. I was afraid that I they would have 2 faces and stab me in the back when I wasn't looking. Most of the girl friends that I had in elementary school were liars, fakes, and backstabbers. Thus, creating this pushing away I had against girls and getting closer to guys. I've always been a tomboy ever since I was a little girl. I was always hanging out with the boys, playing video games with them, wearing overalls, playing on the basketball court, and playing in the dirt. I have always been a tomboy at heart. Which is probably another reason why I got along with boys so well. But that's not the point of this blog; I just rambled...

But over the years, I've gained and lost some great guy friends. (I also thought it was a little funny that one little space between the words "boy" and "friend" could make a big difference what these boys mean to me...) Although I've grown apart from a few of them, there are couple that I've gotten really close to within the past year or so. I think that every girl should have a good guy friend. The couple that I can call my best guy friends are such good friends to me. It's comforting.

So today I went on a hike in the woods with one and spent two hours on the phone with the other. Both were so meaningful because it brought me closer to both of them. For an hour or so, I admired the flowers and the sunset. We talked about old friends and our plans for the future. It was a little bittersweet since we're getting to the end of the school year, but it was just nice to talk with him. Later on in the evening, the other called me just to talk about things. He has had a lot on his mind lately, and we were both in need of a good venting/ranting/confessing session. And whenever I talk to this fellow, he makes me think. He makes me focus on myself, which is something I don't normally tend to do. He tells me to stop worrying about other peoples' happiness before mine. He told me that the way I burden myself with other peoples' happiness is wrong, and I couldn't help but agree.

He told me to stay away from someone that has continuously hurt me. And as you might be able to tell, I still can't get away from this heartbreaker. My friend has told me that he hates to see me getting hurt like this, and I realized that I hate seeing myself like this, too. He then continued to say, "It takes just one less press of a button to text him 'no' than 'yes'. Just one less."

And that's the truth. I can keep wasting time, energy, and my soul by saying "yes" every time he wants to come back into my life. But I keep choosing to say "yes" every single time. Why? I don't know...

But here's where it's going to change. I need to help myself because no matter how much great advice my friends give me, if I don't take it and help myself, nothing is going to change. You need to help you. You're going to find the greatest people that you will call your best friends, and they're going to help you as much as they can. But in the end it's all up to you. You have to take that first step. Whether it's a skittering step to the left or a giant grand jete leap to the right, it's all you.

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