Wednesday, April 07, 2010

fix me.

It's taken me several heartbreaks, letdowns, and late night talks with the best friends to realize that I should really start taking my own advice. I think that just goes to show that I'd rather let myself fall before I see anyone else fall. I have it in my mind that I'm going to make certain mistakes so that other people shouldn't have to. And what a burden to carry. I care about other people's happiness and their happiness that sometimes I forget about what I want.

I don't like admitting to failure, but I've come to the realization that admitting to failure one can move on. Improve. Grow. Change. My hopes, dreams, and wishes of ever being with this person that I love have crashed + burned before my eyes several times. But I somehow manage to pick up all those broken pieces and recreate something new and different. But that's all they are: bits + pieces. An idea. A force. A being. Isn't as strong as when it's whole. So all these little pieces that I've pieced together aren't as strong as they were before. And as I watch them fail over and over again, I willingly get down on my hands and knees to get all cut up and dirty just to fix something that can't be fixed.

Maybe it's not the situation that needs fixing. And I don't expect him to want to fix himself. So maybe it's me; out of the two of us, I'm the only one willing to. I need to start listening to myself rather than the story that I think that's already written for me.

I always say that you create your own destiny. That you write your own story. That you are in control of your life and what happens. Yet I think that every bit of my life is already written out and everything that is thrown at me is just a part of the big story. And I'm wrong. And I always say that you shouldn't take what you should get. To not take just the next thing that comes along. To just wait patiently for something you deserve. Yet I'm putting myself through something that I could easily walk away from. And I'm doing the opposite of everything I just said...

So maybe I am making mistakes so that other people won't make the same mistakes. Maybe I am continuously taping + gluing the broken bits of me. But I'm not losing the best parts of me to the worst people and things in this world.

So here's what I have to say: listen to yourself when no one else will. Because you know what's best for you. You wouldn't be saying it unless you knew what you truly wanted. And if it's not what you truly truly want with all the fibers of your being, don't say it. Don't think it. Don't do it. Even if you think it's a part of your story. Do what you know you deserve. And take what you deserve and tolerate.


PS. This is my friend Tony. He's a beastly inspiration. This leaves me breathless.

PPS. I saw Tim Burton's "Alice In Wonderland" today. I didn't like it very much. But that's a different blog for a different night...

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