Saturday, July 31, 2010

i'm a new york city girl at heart.

In 6 weeks I've:
-gotten shin splints from walking all around the city.
-finally got the hang of the subways after getting on the wrong ones several times.
-managed to make 2 metro cards with 10 rides on each last me this entire time. Even with all the wrong trains I've taken.
-gotten used to checking the menus outside of restaurants to check the prices before walking in.
-made speed-walking my only pace. My family couldn't keep up with me just the couple of days that they were here!
-sang my heart out in Central Park in my bikini.
-met one of the most beautiful Rockettes in a ballet class and even got to have lunch with her.
-seen ABT perform twice. Two more times than I could ever dream of.
-seen Phantom of the Opera twice. Once again, my dreams came true when I least expected them to.
-realized that I don't really like Graham modern all that much.
-discovered that I'm a better dancer when I don't wear tights. Or so I think.
-met a boy that loves every part of me. Even my greatest mistakes that I can't ever forgive myself for. But he's back home waiting for me.
-found that sitting in the middle of the crazy Columbus Circle at 11 o' clock at night with the perfect weather is one of the most relaxing and sweetest things in this world.
-discovered that although dancers may seem competitive at times, we're all truly family. And that's why I love NYC so much. I'm surrounded by so many people that understand me, want to beat me, and still believe in me all at the same time. We're all after the same dreams, but we're all there for each other because we all know how difficult this life is. But that's why we've got each other. I'm going to miss this place.

And in one day:
-I've managed to see Brad Pitt filming a movie. My life is just a little more complete now.

Only in NYC...<3

Friday, July 30, 2010

performance day.


"say, 'bada bada bidi bidi bidi!'"

Today was the end performance for the Alvin Ailey Summer Intensive 2010. It all came too quickly, and we were all in disbelief at how far we all had come.
I performed a West African piece choreographed by the amazing Maguette Camara. It was only 6 weeks ago that I was just getting used to the way the African steps and movement felt on my body. And it's 6 weeks later that we all feel like we've been dancing West African long enough to put on a hot performance. My usual pointe shoes, tights, and tutus were replaced with bare feet, biker shorts, and a lapa. I might not be an African dancer by nature, but I sure as hell made it look like it.

Ms. Shu told me on our lunch date that "versatility is one of the greatest tools a dancer can have in their toolbox." Being able to perform fullout in a West African piece as if it was a difficult ballet variation is what will make one dancer stand out in a million. I'm definitely adding the funness (yes, I just said "funness") of West African dancing to my resume, and put all the fun memories I've made in that class/workshop in my box of dance memories.

I've only got a couple more days here in the city, and I'm already starting to get sad. I'm realizing something as I get older: when you get in a situation, you don't ever see the end. Whether it's the beginning of a ballet class or a new school year, you never see yourself at the very end of it all. Starting these 6 weeks, it felt like I was going to be here forever. I never imagined myself packing up all my clothes and saying goodbye to my favorite teachers at Broadway Dance Center. I never imagined falling so in love with a city that I almost don't want to go home.

Just like Nicole said, "Everything goes by fast in this city...but the city will always be here."

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

a sign that love is worth fighting for.

"you're the reason i could've gotten in a fight with him...i know how he treated you, and just knowing that makes me mad."

I asked for a sign.

My heart has been a very confusing place lately. For once in my life, I didn't know what I truly wanted. What I'm used to and what I deserve were starting to get tangled up and confused with one another.

I'm not a fighter. But I fight for love. And so is he. He told me that being in the presence of the boy that broke my heart enraged his soul and almost caused him to get in a fight. I don't support violence of any kind, but thinking that a boy was willing to fight for me made me swoon. I've never had a boy tell me that he was going to fight for me. That he wasn't going to run away. That he was willing to face a problem. That he was willing to run the same distance for me and with me to make this work.

He was the sign that I asked for. He's the sign that I'm not supposed to be sad and broken anymore. That trusting karma and fate is sometimes just enough...

ps. this is my friend Tony. He is a delicious dancer. He's going to go so far. Check him out

Sunday, July 25, 2010

the last week.

Yesterday, the suitemates and I walked around 5th Ave and imagined what it would be like to be able to walk into every single store and know that we could afford every single thing on the shelf. And we had a little fun at the Abercrombie store with the cutie pie models, tee hee.

Tonight, we had dress rehearsal for the performance at the end of this week. I'm performing on Thursday in the West African piece. Rehearsal tonight went well, and I'm starting to feel the energy between all of us without having to look at ourselves in the mirror to make sure we're doing it right. It's a little different doing a performance that doesn't require tights, pointe shoes, or turn-out at any point. But this will be a great thing that I will be able to add to my growing resume as a dancer. Dress rehearsal is on Thursday before the show, and I can't wait to see my family come in the city that I've grown to be a part of with in the past month and a half. I feel like they're entering my turf...

This is my last week here in the Big Apple, and I'm going to miss it more than you think. I honestly feel like I belong here. The people, the fashion, the food, the arts. Everything about it is everything I'm about. Going back to a small town is going to be very strange, but I do miss all the small town folk that live there.

My biggest concern is getting packed again...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

poison in everything you say.

I've faced the fact that you will never love me.
And that I will love you no matter what.

But I've also faced the fact that everything that comes out of your mouth is shit.


you were almost kind, you were almost true
don't let me see that other side of you...i'll have to wait to get the best of you
poison in everything you say
don't you, don't you?
wonder what difference does it make......either way

Thursday, July 22, 2010

lunch with shu.

You see that lovely lady up there? I had the delightful honor of having a very relaxing and scrumptious lunch with her this afternoon. That is Ms. Nicole Schuman, and I had a lunch date with her. I was a little frazzled having just ran from a ballet class, but I made it in one piece, so that's all that matters. We had lunch at this adorable little cafe called the Peacefood Cafe (on 82nd and Amsterdam. Get into it.).

We chit-chatted about what kinds of dancers and people we are, our backgrounds, and our hopes for the future. It was really nice to sit down with another dancer that completely understands with all the knowledge of living in the concrete jungle and trying to make it. She told me about her busy and exciting life as a hungry artist and dancer in this day and age. And it made me both excited and unsure of what was in store for me for my future. She gave me little tid bits of advice for future references as we nibbled on our desserts. We bonded over trying to figure out how to split the bill, and then we parted ways.

Have you ever walked away from a situation and asked yourself, "did that really just happen?" That happened to me today with the wonderful lunch with Nicole, and it's been happening a lot since I've been here in NYC. I will never doubt the magic of this city.

PS. I was strutting through the streets of NYC to this song...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Everything happens for a reason.

Today, one of my roommate and I got all dolled up to go, hopefully, win a couple of tickets to see American Idiot the Musical (for you kiddies that are taking a trip up to NYC anytime soon and want to try your lucky hand at winning here's the link). In our fancy outfits and high heels, we started our trek of 16 blocks to the St. James Theatre. About 5 blocks down, we realized that our feet were suffering from the cute heels we thought we loved before we left the dorm room. We had already past a subway station, so it was too late to hop on a train. And neither of us had enough cash for a cab, so we continued our painful journey down to 44th St. In the process, my flowy skirt flew up from my little legs scurrying down the street revealing my booty to all of New York City. But for some reason, I felt like that has happened to every girl that has lived here.

The entire time my roommate and I were complaining about the heat and the blisters forming on our already-hurting feet, we accepted the fate that we have been given. For whatever reason, we were meant to walk - not take the subway or a taxi. As we kept walking, we realized that taking a taxi would've been completely pointless because it was rush hour leaving no room for the cars to get anywhere, so walking was really our best bet. We both panted out why we thought we were meant to walk, and it came to this, "God and the Universe wanted us to walk today because we want these tickets. We were meant to get nasty blisters and get all sweaty just so that sitting in the front row of American Idiot will be all worth it."

We got to the theatre and placed our lottery tickets into the bucket, but we had a little time to kill. We headed over across the street to check how much tickets for Phantom of the Opera were just for future reference. The cheapest tickets were $26.50 for standing (totally in my price range). We liked the idea of paying under $30 to see one of the most classic Broadway shows, but we headed back over to American Idiot with hopeful hearts.
In the end, we didn't hear our names called. Of course it was disappointing, but just like we had said on the way to the theatre, "Everything happens for a reason." 

But after we limped away from the theatre in disappointment and envy, we were wondering why we hadn't won the tickets. And it hit us...we were meant to see Phantom of the Opera tonight. It was both of our first times ever seeing a Broadway musical, and Phantom is one of the most classic. Even if we were standing, we were going to see the longest running musical ever on Broadway. It's momentous even if it meant leaning on a railing behind all the best seats in the theatre. So we bought our tickets and became all giddy at the thought of seeing our first Broadway musical.

Once we got into the Majestic Theatre, we stood by our rails. We both kicked off our heels and took a sigh of relief, and we waited for the show to begin. My roommate noticed that there were two empty seats in right in front of us, and she brought up the idea of trying to sit there. Me, not wanting to cause any trouble, rejected the idea immediately; I thought that being in there already was good enough, and trying to sit there without permission could possibly get us in trouble. And at that moment, when I was scolding her about her idea being completely against the rules, an usher came over to the two of us and asked if we would like to take those two seats in front of us. And of course we took them. That usher is an angel. So my roommate and I saw Phantom of the Opera, sat in orchestra seating, but only paid for standing. How perfect of a night does that sound?

So we saw Phantom. We were both bawling at the pure beauty of the musical. And we were both in awe at how God and the Universe decided to work tonight. It was an incredible show and a truly magical night...

"seal my fate tonight. i hate to have to cut the fun short, but the joke's wearing thin. let the audience in. let my opera begin!" - the phantom

PS. If you're in NYC next week, come to the Ailey Summer Sizzler Showcase next Thursday! Tickets start selling today! Hope to see you there!

Monday, July 19, 2010

denise jefferson + the heart of ailey.

‎"I believe you can’t be a dancer if your spirit is restrained and cut off. You must touch that special thing inside." - denise jefferson.

Every dancer should be sad today.
This past weekend, Denise Jefferson, the director of the Ailey School, passed away after a long battle with ovarian cancer. She has been director of the school since 1984 and a teacher at the school since 1974. Mr. Ailey chose her as the director of the school because he trusted her with passing on the gift and knowledge of dance to every student that ever passed through the school. The school has a legacy of hardwork, suffering, and glory.

Today there was a massive student meeting, and every student was packed into one studio. It was amazing though. I wish someone had taken a picture - there was a closeness and intimacy that was felt throughout the room as we all found out the sad news. Judith Jamison, the artistic director of the company, came in and spoke to us about Ms. Jefferson's life and what she meant to the school. And she said this, "Ms. Jefferson was a part of the heart of are all the heart of Ailey. So dance because you love it and you have to...she's smiling down on all of you."

Here's to the heart of Ailey and Ms. Jefferson.

i remember the time you told me love is touching souls
surely you touched mine

Sunday, July 18, 2010


"you can get in anywhere, bria."

This is my good friend Christian.
I met him last year at the Richmond Ballet Summer Intensive. Somehow in those five weeks we became amazing friends and got really close. My last night in Richmond, he spent the night at the hotel with us. That night we went to the garage roof looking out at Richmond, and he held my hands like a good friends does. And at that moment, I knew that we had something special. The school year and distance made us separate a little bit, but not enough to keep us from keeping in touch always.

This summer he's at the Rock School in Philly, and he's werking. The Rock is fierce, and I know that he's getting better. And one of the field trips that the Rock students take is a trip to NYC. We saw this is the opportunity to reunite after a whole year of not seeing each other. We planned to meet right in front of Lincoln Center. When I was standing in front of the fountain waiting, I saw him from a distance, and, even without my glasses on, I could see him. My life became a movie for a few seconds when we ran towards each other and embraced each other in the greatest hug in history.

We took a seat under some trees to catch up and talk about the future. Christian is attending Butler University in the fall. He's worked so hard to get into such a good school, and I couldn't be more proud of him. He asked me what I had planned ahead of me, and before I said my typical answer (dance major at a school in California), I realized that my plans had changed. My stay here in NYC has really changed what I thought my future was going to be; actually, I think instead of changing, they became more clear. I think I kept saying that I wanted to go to school in California for the reason of going back to my hometown, when in reality my heart has always wanted to go to the big apple. And being here for the past 5 weeks has made me realize that I belong here. I love everything about the city (minus the occasional smelly smell), and it loves me (or at least it feels like it does). I belong here. I've never felt that way until now.
Another thing I realized in this fabulous conversation between Christian and me is that I've had an incredible reality check since I've been here as well. Reality check = there are so many people in this city that want to be a dancer, and there is so much talent. And I'm just another one of those people that want to make it. I always knew that I had bigger dreams than a little girl like me could handle, but in the end I'm just another dreamer in the concrete jungle. And although everyone here is trying to make it, they all just have to dance. They don't want to dance. They have to dance. Being surrounded by so many talented, passionate, and imaginative people I have ever met is both a slap in the face and the most inspiring thing in the world. And that is why I never want to leave this city.

After a glorious reunion (of about 45 minutes), we had to part with Christian. It was just as dramatic as our reuniting moment - more tights hugs, kisses, and promises of future get togethers. The way it should always be.

And so this begins week five in the big city. Let's make the most of it. Shall we?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

greenwich village.

Before I left for NYC, he told me that if I ever wanted to get lost in the city that I should go to Greenwich Village. I went there today, and I wasn't lost at all. Sure, the streets were confusing at times, but not at a single point did I ever feel lost. So, yet again I proved that everything he says isn't entirely true...but I love the feeling of Greenwich Village - the never-ending row of little shops, boutiques, and restaurants. It's more downscale, as far as city lights and skyscrapers, than the rest of the city. In one of those boutiques I found my homecoming dress, and in another one I replaced my claddagh ring (the other one snapped in half). So I would say that today was a pretty successful day.

Next weekend is practically my last weekend here because the weekend after that is when we all pack up leave to go back home. It all went by too quickly!

Friday, July 16, 2010

a new song in my head.

uh-oh, there i go again smiling at a little thing you said
you know practically everything there is to know about life, but you choose to be innocent instead

I spent my lunch break in the piano rooms once again.
And this is what I came up with...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

fate + karma.

me: "what do you think about all this? you and me. the way we're able to talk and connect like this."
him: "i feel like it was fate + karma that we was just so random and not like me to talk to someone i don't really know. i'm more than happy that i did...i'm not worried."

Sometimes when you're done hoping, praying, fighting for love, crying, and laying awake in your bed wondering. The right thing will come along.

I've spent so much of my time and pieces of my heart talking to boys and analyzing the signs of a total win or a total fail. And the results were always the same - I put too much effort and heart into something that just wasn't going to work out. It's so frustrating to me when I have nothing but good intentions while looking into a person's eyes, but then in the back of my mind, I know that they're not feeling what I think they're feeling. My good intentions and highest hopes in ugliest situations may have given me this bank of good karma that led me to him at this moment.

I believe in fate, too. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't responded and was scared off by his friendly gestures and kept my distance. I wonder what my heart would be feeling right now. I wonder if my ideas of fate + karma would have changed. And I can keep wondering, but I'm going to look at what I have in front me right now, him, and know that this is just the magic of life. And I'm going to accept it without any questions or complaints. I'm done asking questions. He's my answer.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

lunch = piano time.

Today I was snooping around the Fordham University building, and I found these piano practice rooms. It's just another reason why I love it here; I can be creative in every single way possible. I'm dancing everyday, I have my guitar, and now I found myself a piano that I can use at any time I want. I'm as happy as Kent was tonight on SYTYCD. Which brings me to my next point...

How about that show tonight?! Tonight's show of SYTYCD was incredible. There were so many great routines in tonight's show, and by the end of it, I had a hard time deciding who is my favorite. Jose plucks at my heartstrings because he's trying so hard!! And it's really hard for me to say "no" to those puppy eyes...

I can't wait to see Christina Perri perform tomorrow night on the results show!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

meet me halfway.

And here comes the pain...

My tendonitis has been flaming up mucho lately, and all I can do is ice ice ice. I'm going to be fine, it's just overuse plus all the walking around the city that I do. I'm practically halfway through my stay here in NYC, and I'm doing what I came here to do - dance, learn, grow, improve, etc. The teachers at Ailey are so fierce; they all have been in companies, had the best training around, and now they're transferring all that knowledge and wisdom to us. It's truly an honor. One teacher that I have, Ms. Kozak, is helping me a lot. She pointed out something that I've been doing my entire dance career but haven't been corrected for - my archy back. I have such an arched + flexible back, and I tend to arch it way too much when I'm dancing classical ballet. I get very frustrated whenever I'm taking her class and she has to remind me about that correction, but in the end, I know that it's for the best. I'm improving in the smallest ways - proper and safe alignment of the body, attention to details, and strength in knowledge. The correction I keep getting in Ms. Kozak's class makes me feel like I'm correcting 13 years of dancing, but I know that it's only going to improve and compliment those 13 years of training once I remember the correction and stay in the habit of applying it to my body.

Tonight, my stomach dropped at the thought of losing him. It reminded me that jumping into the unknown with someone new is never going to be have a clear path. Although I almost threw up my heart thinking about the scary thought, I'm still going to take that leap of faith. Why? Because I'm tired of making up fake excuses as to why I'm not.

are we shy? are we setting new ground?
...are we gonna figure this out?
are we different?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Saturday, July 10, 2010

inspired by a little show biz.

Today my roomies and I took advantage of our day off to take a little trip down to Chinatown on the way to see the Rochester City Ballet perform at Pace University. We had received an email saying that as dancers we can get into the show for free, and it sounded like a good opportunity to get out of the dorms so we planned our day and were out into the city!

After having a scrumptious and affordable dinner in Chinatown, we walked over to Pace University to watch the show. None of us has heard of the Rochester City Ballet before, but by their group picture on the program we could tell that they were pretty fierce. And after reading some of the company member bios, we were finding out that a lot of these dancers had great training - University of Arizona, Miami City Ballet, Houston Ballet, Boston Ballet, etc. etc.
And as soon as they started their first piece, I could tell that we were in for a good show. The choreography was incredibly fresh, and the dancers all had beautiful lines and technique. Their hard work definitely showed off in their performance, and I was left feeling completely inspired.

At one point, the director came out to tell us that there had been a head injury and that the dancer was being taken to the hospital for stitches. But the show would still go on. I was in shock and worried about the fallen dancer, but the dancers still came out with all the same performance level and stage presence as if they weren't missing a dancer on stage. It reminded me of the true lesson of show business: "The show must go on." 

The choreography tonight was seriously incredible. It was very new and creative, and after the show I didn't want to do anything else but choreograph and dance. And it made me look forward to one of my future goals of becoming a choreographer and creating my own dance company. The performance tonight made me want to get into a studio with a bunch of dancers with open minds and create my vision on them. It was truly eye opening and exhilarating to watch such an enthusiastic and creative company.

This one piece, "LumaVoce", was the most creative dance piece I have ever seen in my life. You have to be in the theatre to get the best effect of this dance, but it gave me chills. It was so mindblowing. It almost made me mad that I didn't come up with it first, ha. The use of the shadows and light made for the coolest effect of the whole dance.

Another piece that really got to me was called "How to Break A Heart". It was a wonderfully choreographed concept that left me in tears. The sadness and yucky feeling of heartbreak was felt by everyone in that audience through this piece. And the very last few lines of the spoken word that they danced to went a little something like this: "How to break a heart. It's easy. Anyone can do it." 

And I cringed at the truthfulness of those words.
And I wanted him to eat those words.
While I wanted to dance them.

Get inspired. 

Thursday, July 08, 2010

i wish life was a ballet.

"we're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." - japanese proverb

Tonight I went to see ABT perform my favorite ballet - Romeo + Juliet.
When just about 2 weeks ago, I saw them perform Swan Lake. I still think it's so amazing how I can see one of the best ballet companies perform at a theatre right next to where I'm living. It's mind-blowing. But I came prepared this time with a handful of tissues in my purse to prepare for the tears. Paloma Herrera danced Juliet and Marcelo Gomes danced Romeo tonight, and it was absolutely flawless. They have such great chemistry together that it was completely believable as it should be. Her feet were beautiful, and his turns were exquisite. It gave me chills and left tears in my eyes.

Watching such a great performance of my favorite ballet made me wish that life was like a ballet. Boys would have to woo a girl not with words by actions - turns, jumps, and high extensions. And the girls would have to impress by the flirtiness of their port de bras and the arch of their pointe shoes. And true love would be shared with a dance of extravagant lifts and embracing. It's all fantasy and reality at the same time for us dancers...


paloma <3

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

i'm too busy for love.

me: "what are you texting me for? you're busy. i shouldn't be on your mind that much!"
him: "sometimes i can't help it."

I always thought that being so busy with dancing and school would keep me distracted from boys and relationships. I always thought that if I was stressing out about steps to a variation or the rules of integration then I wouldn't have time to stress over boys. And since my heart had been so wrapped up in a bad thing for so long, it was too busy trying to mend itself that it didn't have time to get ready for something new.

And it's strange how being 470 miles away from home can still bring me close to someone. And everyday he's making me realize that you should never be too busy for love. He was at orientation for the the college he's attending in the fall, but he wasn't too busy to text me to tell me how it's going. And when I was being my usual self - subconsciously pushing him away by telling him that he shouldn't think about me all the time - he told me that he couldn't help it and wanted to talk to me.

So maybe I shouldn't hate distance as much as I say I do...

PS. Reason #298 he's perfect: he loves Wakey!Wakey! too <3

Monday, July 05, 2010

in the city.

I'm about to start my third week in NYC and my second official week at Ailey, and by the end of this week, I'll be half-way done. I don't want to leave (besides the fact that I have a group of amazing friends back home that I couldn't live without for too long) because there's everything for me in this city.

It's been quite lovely in the Big Apple for the past few days, and my roomies and I have taken advantage of the wonderful college courtyard to lay out and do some summer reading. Although I was quite distracted from my reading by this lovely butterfly that fluttered around our heads for about 10 minutes. 

The other night, my roomies and I went out to walk around and checked out the Midsummer Night Swing Festival going on by the Lincoln Center. On the way, we passed by this colorful piano. There are a few set up around this area around Lincoln Center, and anyone can play the pianos as they please. I sat down and played a little Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber (don't judge) in the middle of New York City. It felt so right and amazing to be playing a piano on the sidewalk at that moment, and we strangely attracted some tourists with cameras. Being in an area where arts of all kinds is what everything is about is one of my favorite parts about being in New York at this moment. When we got to the music festival, we salsa danced around to the live music, and we were soaking up the feel of the city. 

It's so amazing what can happen in this city...even when I'm away from home.

Sunday, July 04, 2010


me: "my favorite fireworks are the ones that are so loud that they make your heart skip a beat...sadly, the ones tonight weren't loud enough."

him: "well, i'll just have to find something to make it skip a beat."

Saturday, July 03, 2010

calen kurka.

Tonight I took a contemporary class from the incredible Calen Kurka.
I learned so much in tonight's class about my body and the way it's meant to move. Let me start off by saying that Calen is a genius. He knows so much valuable information, and it was such an honor being able to sit there and soak it all up. He brought in a skeleton and explained to the class the safest position for your body to be in at all times when you're dancing. It was so interesting. I've always known that it was important that dancers should know names of important bones, muscles, and ligaments and how they all work together. But Calen made me realize that I still need to learn more. He used the skeleton, gracefully named Susie Swayback, to show us how our bodies should be. And at that moment, I realized that I was using the wrong muscles, I was thinking about the wrong movements, and I need to do what Calen was telling us to do to fix that all. 

After showing us, he told us to do it. And tonight, I realized that I had more turn-out than I thought I did because I was doing what Calen taught us to do. I was surprised with myself, and I was glad that I finally figured out how to use my muscles properly. It was strengthening and refreshing to fell myself getting strong in the correct way.

And when it came time for the combination, he told us, "Make discoveries...I want you to walk off the dancefloor and not remember what you just did." 
And I did just that. I discovered that you don't have to be given choreography to know what to do, sometimes your body just knows. I stopped looking in the mirror, and I started feeling my body's placement. It was a different feeling, but it felt great all the same. I'm learning so much from all these different teachers, and tonight helped me fix a lot of problems I've had as a dancer.

So when you get a chance to take a different class, take it. Do it for the sake of learning and growing. You're going to be glad that you did.

ps. I think I'm going to audition for his company once I'm old enough......?

Friday, July 02, 2010

this is why i run.

me: "wow, i thought that would have you running for the hills."
him: "unless you are at the top of that hill, i ain't going anywhere."

I do this weird thing when I meet a new boy - I say certain things about myself and my personality that I think that might turn him off and turn him away. I do this to see if he really wants me for who I am, and it gives me a chance to let him walk away before I start getting too attached at any certain point.

He didn't run. I've given him several opportunities for him to walk away leaving me completely unharmed, yet he still stayed. It even seemed like he moved in closer. 
And this is where I run. I run because I'm scared. I'm being totally hypocritical right now, and I know it. I've said so many times before that I'm not afraid of falling in love and that I love the idea of jumping into the unknown with someone you think you know you want to be with. But at this moment with him, I'm running in the opposite direction. Right in front of me is the perfect opportunity for my heart to move on and my head to get clear, and I'm still sprinting towards my make-believe safety zone.

He's willing to jump. He's willing to drive 9 hours (if only he could) to come here to see me. He's willing to face any problem before he ever has to leave. He's willing to be that perfect boy just for me. And he pretty much is.

Yet I'm scared shitless.

miles and miles and miles of my love i've come to find you...everyone thinks i'm crazy for thinking that when you see me you're gonna love me

Thursday, July 01, 2010


There's this little thing called time. Whether it's man-made or an actual force, it's there. Ticking away minding its own business and making our lives longer.

Today I discovered that I'm really good at being in the wrong place at the right time. Today I've managed to have Julie Kent (principal dancer for ABT) walk past me and watch her during a ballet class, end up in the wrong dance class, get on the wrong subway, talk all day with a gentleman, and fall out of love with the boy who broke my heart. And it's in perfect timing. All of today's events were kind of a domino effect. It seemed like every event connected with the next in the strangest way...

I signed up for a contemporary class at Steps on Broadway, and as I was sitting in front of the studio stretching, a tall, slender, long-legged, beautiful woman walked by. I smiled at her, and I did a double-take because I realized who it was - it was Julie Kent. For a split second, I thought I was in the movie "Centerstage". It was unreal. And I stood outside the studio watching her do plies all the way up to adagio, and, let me tell you, she's still got it. Because I had my gaze fixated on Ms. Kent, I ended up not paying attention to the time and getting into a different class. It ended up being a Jazz class, but it was an amazing class nonetheless. So what, I hopped into the wrong class. But I still had so much fun and overall good class, and I wasn't at all too bothered by the fact that I took a different class than the one that I signed up for. To me it was a successful class because I got to do what I went there for - dance my heart out.

Then I waited in the waiting area for the wrong subway, only to realize after hopping on for a second that it was the wrong one. Thankfully, I managed to jump off before the subway doors closed to take me all the way up to 200-something Street. Which prompted me to post my facebook status to "hello, my name is bria, and one of my special skill is getting on the wrong subway." And this funny little facebook status made the boy text me and tell me a cute little story about his last trip to NYC. And what a gentleman this boy is. A rare gem, I tell ya.

And this led to the scary feeling of letting go. Of finally falling out of love. Of finally moving on. The scary, exciting feeling that you're ready for something new. I've taken something out of my life that is obviously bad for me, and just as I did that, something new comes along to fill in that empty spot before I can even get sad. And it starts to get creepy when I realize that I'm over him, and he texts me saying that he misses me. And I frankly don't care. Because I'm here. Right now. Moving on. And loving life.

It's all about timing.
Once again, I blame it on this city. It's magic.

wasted time on loving you. wasted time, wasted time on someone who won't love you as much as i, as much as i...