Monday, August 30, 2010

i mustache you a question.

Just a couple of days ago, I've made the decision that if I don't get a date for the Homecoming dance next week then I'm not going. Knowing me, you all should be very surprised at me making a decision such as this (I'm even surprised that I can utter the words "I'm not going...") because 1. I love school dances. Heck, I love dancing in general; you all should know that. 2. I've gone every single year. and 3. I've always gone without a date (except for freshman year which was a disaster, but we'll save that for another blog...) The more I ponder/envision/wonder about going without a date, the more embarrassing/lame/awkward it seems.
My friends and I were discussing about getting a date and how we can achieve to do so. And we were stumped. I said that I feel like there's some kind of memo about how to get a date that I've obviously missed...for the past 3 years. And then we all began to wonder what it would be like to be one of those girls that already knew that they're going to be asked to the school dance. All they really have to worry about is what dress to get and what shoes will match it. And as we discussed this almost-magical group of girls, we began to become envious. And I pointed out that being envious isn't going to get us a homecoming date. And as much as I know I was right, I still wonder what it takes to get a homecoming date around here.

So the question I mustache you is...
will you go to homecoming with me?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

shenior pictursh.

Today was my lovely senior photoshoot with the amazing Christi Austin. This was my first time working with her, and she was very sweet! She didn't make me feel nervous at all, and she made the whole experience super fun! These aren't the pictures Christi took; they're just some "behind-the-scenes" snapshots my mom took. We were located downtown by the Museum of Transportation. We took some pictures on an old train, in front of some old buildings, and right in the middle of the road. I really think they turned out great. She said she'll get in touch with me very soon to let me know when they are finished, and I will definitely share as many of them that I can with all of you!

Yesterday's rehearsal with Courtney and John was very successful. I've envisioned this dance in my mind and been creating it in my bedroom for the longest time, and it was like giving birth to my first baby (which will never happen in real life) to see it being danced. They both seem to be enjoying my choreography and my vision so far, and that's always a good thing. I'm hoping to get this done within the next couple of weeks, so I can start cleaning and polishing my newborn baby up.

Last but not least, the rave last night was off the chain! Since when would you hear about a rave happening in my town? Never. It looked like a scene straight out of MTV's Spring Break - people dancing in bathing suits, booming music, everyone smiling and laughing and just having a good time. I had to take advantage of the last bits of summer, the perfect timing, and the techno music. It was almost comforting to be surrounded by so many people that enjoy techno music, even some that listen to nothing but techno music. I can't wait until the next one!!

Week number 2 of school, here we go...

Friday, August 27, 2010

football, choreography, and raving.

Tonight was our first football game of the season, and it was a sad sad loss for my school's team. I was almost sure that we were going to beat Patrick Henry, but when I arrived to the field, I realized that we don't have the same team as last year. Although it seems as if we've lost some of our best players to colleges, I truly admire how this year's team really focuses on teamwork rather than letting one person make all the plays. Although tonight's loss was quite brutal, we're not giving up! Our student sections, band, and school spirit is still best out of all the schools in the area, so the other schools have got nothing on us! Bring it on!!

Tomorrow, I get to start my choreography scholarship project with my friends, Courtney + John. I'm really looking forward to working with them because I think they're two of the best in our company at the moment. And even though I will be choreographing on them and teaching the movement, we're still on the same level. I'm really nervous about teaching them what my crazy mind has concocted, but it will all be exciting in the end!

Also, tomorrow evening is the rave I've been stoked about for the past month or so. Real lights, real dancing, and real techno music. It's going to be live! And two weeks from tomorrow is Homecoming, eep! I'm still going strong date-less, but I'm not letting it bring me down!

Busy busy busy...

PS. Getting pumped for the rave!! I freaking love Bassnectar. Get into it.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

waiting for anything to happen.

I remember it so well. The first week of school last year was so exciting and invigorating, and I was always on my toes about what was going to happen next.
But now I'm just waiting for somehting exciting to happen.
Anything at all really.

where did the people go? my hands are empty
you're not the answer i should know.
like all the boys before, like all the boys before...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I remember last year when I was completely smitten at the beginning of the year. He gave me a reason to get pretty everyday and want to go to school. I look back, and I see how extremely blind I was to what he was and what we were. It's almost like I was a completely different person, but that's alright because I'm a completely different, better person now because of all that mess that happened in between the beginning of the school year and now.

Although I'm already starting to get used to school, my schedule, teachers, and homework, I can't wait for this week to end. I feel like it should be Thursday already, alas it's only Tuesday...

It's going to be a long week.

Monday, August 23, 2010

start of the victory lap.

"welcome to the victory lap...senior year!" - my english teacher

I'm not going to lie - today was pretty crazy + overwhelming.
I was weighted down with a crazy number of textbooks, information about classes, and the idea of being a senior. On the brightside, it's pretty awesome walking around the school knowing that you're top-dog this year, and no one else can tell you otherwise. I'm a little intimidated by the workload that is around the corner with the classes I'm taking this year, but I think once I get used to it, I'll be okay. So far, I'm really liking all my classes and the people in them.

Every year, I worry about my first-day-of-school outfit, and this year, I really didn't have a clue what I was going to wear. I remember back in middle and elementary school, I would have my outfit planned out the night before ready to throw on in the morning. But the past few years, I have just thrown my outfits together, but in the end, I felt confident and ready for school. This year, I threw together my American Apparel white lace tank (one of my new favorite pieces of clothing), capris, and my crayon sweater (not pictured above, ha). But it looks like everyone was looking great today.

This year, I have to wake up earlier to get to school about an hour before the rest of school starts for the challenging class of AP Biology. I've always liked Biology, so I thought I'd try my hand at the AP class. As much as the teachers tried not to scare me with the course, it didn't work. I'm not scared, per se, just not ready for what's going to hit me. We've already got a whole packet study guide due tomorrow, which I probably should be working on right now...
And as an incentive for myself for getting to school early, I get to leave school early! I don't have an 8th period class, so I just get to go home. Ah, one of the perks of senior year, for sure...

Homecoming is in two weeks. I repeat - Homecoming is in two weeks. The majority of the school is pretty pissed off about having it so early in the year, but it's too late to change it now. I've got a dress (bought it at a cute little boutique while strolling around Greenwich village this summer), but no date (what a surprise...). I'll try not to worry so much about the whole date situation seeing that I've never had a homecoming date, but there's nothing wrong with still being hopeful, right? I'm also on the Powderpuff team this year, and our first practice was yesterday. I got an ugly sports bra tan from being outside so long, but I found my place on the football field. I'm really excited to be on the team, and I can't wait to beat those juniors!

This year is surely going to be an interesting one...

Sunday, August 22, 2010


a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life

I might not be good with goodbyes and letting go and falling out of love.
But I'm really good at remembering the best memories we had together.
I just wish they didn't eat me alive.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

christmas in august?

pedro: "i was dreaming about this july, and i knew it was going to happen."

Through this company, I've learned that there's no such thing as starting to work on something to early. Today was our first company rehearsal of the season, and it was great to be back with my SVB family. But a few things were a little different this time around - there were new faces in the company and the older girls that I've always looked up to weren't there anymore. And I realized that it was my other fellow senior girls and me that were the older girls now. We were the ones that the younger ones are really looking up to now. And still, I couldn't believe it. It really still hasn't set in that I'm a senior this year!

We started working on one of the most complicated + challenging dances in Nutcracker - the snow scene. I never thought I would be hearing Nutcracker music this early in the season, but leave it up to Pedro to start things early. And I'd like to give a shout-out to Michael, one of the pianists at Ailey, who played nothing but Nutcracker music during our pointe classes. So, thanks, Michael, for preparing me for the early Nutcracker rehearsals that were waiting for me back home...

We even started the new Celebration piece that we will be performing at the Dance Festival in October. It's going to be danced en pointe, which means we will be doing all this stopping en pointe rather than character shoes. As Pedro would say, my "toes will be barking".

Next week, we'll continue on with our Nutcracker + dance festival rehearsals. And I'll even get to work with my two friends that will be a part of my choreography project. I will be creating a partnering piece that I will record on tape and send in for a scholarship. I've created a story. Got the music. Created some movement. And got my dancers. Now I'm just ready to get some werk done.

School in 2 days?! Doesn't even feel like it...

Thursday, August 19, 2010


T-minus 4 days until the start of senior year.
I look at myself in the mirror, and I think I still look like a freshman. However, when I look at these pictures, I can see that I actually do look older. I've always felt a little more mature for my age yet still young at heart, and it's still unbelievable that I'm a senior.

I've been really busy this week finishing up some summer reading, job hunting, and working on college apps. School hasn't even started yet, and I'm already starting to feel a little flustered with what's on my plate right now. This year is going to be super, busy crazy, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Tomorrow I'm taking my senior pictures with Christi Austin. I'm excited to play dress up!
Saturday is the first company rehearsal of this season. We've got a lot of exciting and fun things planned this season, and I can't wait to see what we're going to begin working on on Saturday. Our first big production this season is a Dance Festival that incorporates several dance studios in the area. I've also got a special choreography project I'll be working on in the next several months which I'm very excited for. I've never choreographed a piece for anyone else besides myself, so I'm looking forward to working with a couple of my close friends on a very special piece. I'll keep you all updated on that one!

And with that being said...

PS. Check out this delicious mix that a couple of friends put together. They're DJing at the rave I'm going to next Saturday, and one of them said I could guest DJ sometime. Could you imagine me behind some turntables?

Practice Setlist by Tai and Dakota

Monday, August 16, 2010

you were my cure.

I was heartbroken and sad for a while. That shit hurts, and I thought it would never go away.
But then he came along.

Someone different and new came into my life that made me believe that I was something special and that there was still hope for love around the corner. At first, my instincts told me to push him away once he started being extra nice and talking relationships. But he kept going on and on and slowly opening up the idea of being in love again. And like I said, I was terrified and was ready to sprint away. When I finally came home from NYC, I decided to give my heart the ultimate test and just go on a date with him to see if it was still worth all the talk. All the waiting was over, and we finally got to spend some time together. And we both agreed that it felt so right. And then I finally opened up completely to letting me be his.

Alas, in the end, it couldn't work out. The pressures of college were calling him away, and he thought it wouldn't work out. And to my surprise, I wasn't entirely upset. I wasn't sad or angry. And I realized that he might not have meant to be my boyfriend, but when he said that he almost got in a fight with the only boy to break my heart and that he wasn't going to run away from a problem, I realized that he was meant to be my cure. He made me realize that I don't have to be sad anymore. He held my hand and kissed my forehead in a different way that almost seemed foreign to me because it's been a long time since I've given love a chance like that. And it helped me move on from the heartbreak and the pain.

And even though we couldn't be together.
I'm happy.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


"but it doesn't matter - because we'll be together."
Today I went on a movie date with my daddy to finally see "Inception". After all my friends badgered me to go see the movie, I finally did. And even though it totally fucked my mind, it was so amazing. I walked out of the movie speechless and ready to walk back in to watch it all over again.

I've always been intrigued with the idea of dreams. How they work, what they mean, and why some of them seem more real than others. Just the other night, I had a strangely realistic dream that I auditioned for SYTYCD and was immediately put through to the Vegas level. I woke up thinking that it really happened, and was disappointed when I finally realized that it wasn't. This movie made me want to do nothing but dream if it meant being able to see people that aren't in your life anymore and making my hopes and aspirations become as real as possible.

It was hard for me to watch without wishing that I could dream of you every single night like Leo DiCaprio did with Mal. Maybe it would be easier to get through the day if I knew that I could spend all night in your arms in my dreams. I've seen you in my dreams all the times that I didn't want to. But now I want nothing but to meet you there over and over again. Because then maybe, we will be together.

my (other) family.

me: "am in that picture?"

Today I...
-wrote a new song in 1 hour.
-screamed my head off riding on a tube behind a speeding boat on the lake.
-got an ab workout from tubing. It takes a lot of ab strength to hang on for dear life, scream, and laugh all at the same time.
-ate too many cookies.
-sang "Hallelujah" and "Jar of Hearts" countless of times.
-got an infamous Shannon massage.
-got made fun of for talking to Little Itty Bitty Titty.
-confused a picture of a dog for a llama.
-got a rash from uncomfortable chairs.
-ate s'mores with a reese's peanut butter cup, and my life was changed for the better.
-spent the day with my other family <3


Friday, August 13, 2010

friday the 13th.

Last night, I went to an acoustic show at the amazing McDilda Photography studios downtown. I know several people that are in local bands in this area, and it was only until very recently that I've actually gotten to see several of them perform. Last night was such a great scene: small venue, acoustic guitars, people that love music, and yummy food.

The first fellow in the lineup was a chap named Jordan Barger. He has his own little music project called Arte Povera, and he even started his own record label that goes by the name of Personal Records. He has only been playing for 2 years, and he is still significantly better than me. The kind of music that he plays and writes is the kind that makes my insides feel warm and nice. When I saw him perform tonight, I caught myself smiling at how genuine and raw his music is. I really like the feel of his music, and it was a great way to start the show.

Next up was none other than my prom date, Alex. Once upon a forever ago, he and I went on a little date that consisted of iced coffee and guitar playing in an empty parking lot. He played me several of his songs and admitted that he gets nervous playing his songs in front of other people. Most of his songs are the sweet little love tunes that make every girl swoon when they listen to the lyrics. He conquered his fear tonight, and I could tell that he was having a lot of fun with it no matter how nervous he was.

And last in the lineup was the local famous band, Twelve O' Clock Knob. They're a popular choice of entertainment in this area, and tonight was the first time I've ever seen them perform. Sadly, I only got to see the last remnants of the original band because the new Twelve O' Clock Knob was formed due to graduating students going off to college. Santi, the lead singer, has a lot of charisma and brightened up the stage. I was sitting next to his girlfriend tonight, and I wondered what it was like having a musician boyfriend for a few seconds...Their music was very catchy and something I would probably find myself dancing around in my underwear to.

All of the music tonight made me want to get on a stage and perform my own music. I might not be as great as the people I saw perform tonight, but it just looked like so much fun! Now I'm going to spend a little quality time with my guitar...

What are some awesome local bands in your area?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i can't help it...

Each moment that I found by myself today, I found myself crying.
Not because I was thinking of you.
But because I was trying not to.


loneliness is such a sad affair.
and i can hardly wait to be with you again.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

my first true love.

me: "don't forget about me."
him: "i will never forget you. how could i forget you?"

This is one of those situations where I never saw the end.
The first moment I saw him, something set off in my heart that told me that he was something special. And for the longest time, I lied to everyone and even myself that I wasn't in love with him. It hurts to love him, but it hurts even more to not love him...

He came to one of the most important shows in my dance career. Took me to see two of the best movies of this decade. Taught me the hardest swimming stroke. Told me secrets and kept mine. Let me teach him some classical ballet partnering lifts. Let me enter his world of ambitions and dreams and asked to enter mine. Drove me around for hours just to show me his favorite music and hold my hand. Loves tea almost as much as I do. Kissed me even when I had a high fever and bronchitis. Gave me one of the best birthday presents ever. Made me believe I was beautiful. Taught me that being in the presence of people that you care about without even saying a word is one of the most precious things in life. Made me patient. Made me believe that good things came to those who wait. 
But he also is a damn good liar. Is sometimes selfish. The first boy to ever break my heart.

Today we said our first goodbye, for tomorrow he is leaving to begin the college life.
It was far from dramatic on the outside, but all the separation anxiety and grief was starting to build up in my gut. I doubt I ever meant a lot to him, but he always meant everything to me. Today, when we sat in his car listening to booming music (it's one of our favorite things to do together). When he walked me to my car with his arm around me. When he gave me one of his heart-melting hugs. When he told me that he would keep in touch. When he wished me luck for my senior year. And when he looked directly in my eyes to tell me that he could never forget me. My heart finally healed completely.

I know this wasn't goodbye forever. And I finally saw the beauty in our permanent state of "unfinished business".
Because he is my first true love.

him: "so now whenever i hear this song, i'm going to remember me sitting here with you. i'm going to remember us like this."

Monday, August 09, 2010


I first complained about being home away from the city that stole my heart, but once I got back to the studios, I remembered the loving friends and commitments I've left behind for 6 weeks. This week I'm back at the studios taking the week-long intensive my studio offers, and walking into the studios today, I realized how much I've missed being home. The atmosphere at these studios is where I've made some of my greatest improvements, made some of the greatest memories, made the worst falls, and made the greatest friends that quickly earned a place in my heart as true family.

Also, today marks the 2 week mark for when my last day of grade school is and the beginning of senior year. It's unbelievable, but I'm so ready for the craziness, fun, and excitement that senior year has to bring. I've had some great senior friends for the past two years, and I've heard nothing but amazing things about senior year. It's still almost unimaginable that I'm a senior, but these darn college apps are making it too real. 

Yes, I've began the insanity that is college applications. I've got quite a list on my hands, but here it is. And wish me luck, my friends...
-Fordham University (number one choice at this point. I fell inseparably in love with this school this summer)
-New York University
-California Institute of the Arts
-Florida State University
-Dominican University of California
-University of California, Irvine
-Virginia Commonwealth University
-University of Arizona


Saturday, August 07, 2010

giving love a chance.

I recently had a heart-to-heart with one of my really good friends, Marie. We were talking about how for the longest time we both wanted boyfriends but could never get one. We both confessed that at one point it was all our minds were on - finding the right boy that will hold our hand, kiss our forehead, and have the label of "boyfriend". But recently, we were both faced with a problem: right in front of us we have the perfect opportunity to try things out with a boy and have a possible boyfriend, but now that we have this chance at love, we don't know if we want it.

Right in front of me there's this guy that hasn't run away when I presented almost every possible thing that should make a guy run away. He still insists that I'm something special. He says that smallest, sweetest things that leave me giggling and smiling like an idiot. Needless to say, I've kind of fallen for this perfect boy. But every time he tries to take another step in this growing relationship that we have, I take a step backward. Marie says that it's because I'm scared. I'm scared that everything is almost "too perfect" and that's what scares me. So she told me to not be scared and give this boy a chance.

So today I did give him a chance. And I found myself happy and not afraid when I looked in  his eyes and held his hand. It felt so right when I rested my head on his shoulder and when he kissed the top of my head. 
But at the same time, I still had that gross feeling of fear sitting in the pit of my stomach, and it wouldn't go away. I'm still getting used to the idea of being with a person that genuinely likes me and wants to be with me. So slowly, but surely, I'm learning to let go of every single fear that I have and let love do it's thing.

It's been a really long time since I've felt like this.
But maybe that's a good thing.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Today I went to see Step Up 3D with my girls from the company, and being the little movie snob that I am, I wasn't a big fan of this movie. Of course, the only thing worth praising was the dancing. But the whole plotline, script, and 3D-ness of it wasn't very appealing. The best dance movies I've ever seen are "Dirty Dancing" and "Centerstage". And I'm in love with the choreography in "Moulin Rouge!" and "Nine". But the fluff that they surrounded all the amazing dancing in "Step Up 3D" just was a major turn-off for me. Definitely not my favorite movie. Needless to say, the fact that it was set in NYC made me miss it like crazy...

Tomorrow I've actually got a free Saturday. Something still foreign to me after the numerous free Saturdays I had in NYC. What ever shall I do?!

Thursday, August 05, 2010


Tonight I went to an end of the summer/back to school/guitar jamming party with a few friends. And most of them are recent graduates getting ready to leave for college. It was so great getting to spend some quality time with a lot of them before they start their adventures and journeys in Collegeland. 

I'm going to miss these kids.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

i'm so many people.

Last night I watched the movie "Nine", and I think I found my new "Moulin Rouge!" Remember when I was obsessed with "Moulin Rouge!"? Well, "Nine" has quickly become my new obsession. The music, the sex appeal, the cast list, the costumes (no wonder! Colleen Atwood did them. She's brilliant.), the cinematography. It's all genius.

And you guys should be used to me saying that I find parts of me in practically every movie that I watch. But this movie was different. I definitely found parts of me in this movie, but they were all different characters. And it made me wonder - am I really all these characters? Am I really so many different people?

At first, I thought I was the Penelope Cruz. The flirty, little, sex kitten that is just desperate for the love of a man that will never love her back. Like Penelope, I sometimes find myself willing to do almost anything for a boy in hopes that it will make him like me more. I hope that maybe it will open his eyes to what has been in front of him all along. But in the end, I'm just nothing but a cute, little sex toy.

Then there's Mrs. Contini, played by Marion Cotillard. The girl that he has but never seems to be enough. Like Guido's wife, I put all efforts into a relationship to try and make it work. But the efforts aren't reciprocated, and I hold my tongue at how hurt I feel. Everything seems to be taken from me, but I just let him take it all

Then there's Nicole Kidman as the diva, Claudia Jenssen. A successful girl that is forced to put on a celebrity, high-maintenance persona to uphold an image. There are days where I feel like I'm wearing a forced smile. That it's wrong that I'm putting up a false happiness just to cover up how sad and alone I feel on the inside. And once again, she's faced with the fact that the man that she loves will never love her back. That the only side he sees of her is this wonderful, gorgeous, and primped version that the rest of the world sees, but it's not the real her. And in an unusual way, I know that he doesn't see the real me either. It's the only side of me that he chooses to see, yet it's still not enough for him to love me.

So even though all of these characters are completely different, I still see myself in all of them. Is it possible that I can be so many different people, but the same person all the same?

in a very unusual way, i think i’m in love with you.
in a very unusual way, i want to cry. something inside me goes weak, something inside me surrenders. you're the reason why. you're the reason why...

in a very unusual way, you've made me whole.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

as if i had never left...

When I left for NYC, I told myself that I would leave all my mistakes, scars, and pains behind and start fresh in the city. And I did. Believe me, I did.

But when I came back, all those mistakes were just staring me back in the face. Today, I found myself entangled in the very thing the caused me so many nights staring at the wall wondering with tears in my eyes. Today, I was face-to-face with the very person that broke my heart for the first time. And it was as if I had never left home. As if I had never started all over again. And for that split second, I was sad and afraid of what was going to happen to me.

And then that moment passed, and I realized that I left those mistakes and pains behind before so I can do it again. I thought to myself, that maybe, I don't even have to leave home. I thought back to how much I've grown, what I've learned, and who I've met and gotten to know while I was in NYC. And I remembered that I shouldn't be sad anymore because of all those reasons I wasn't sad while I was away from home. So I looked him in the eyes, remembered what I've become, and just like that, I wasn't sad anymore.