Wednesday, August 04, 2010

i'm so many people.

Last night I watched the movie "Nine", and I think I found my new "Moulin Rouge!" Remember when I was obsessed with "Moulin Rouge!"? Well, "Nine" has quickly become my new obsession. The music, the sex appeal, the cast list, the costumes (no wonder! Colleen Atwood did them. She's brilliant.), the cinematography. It's all genius.

And you guys should be used to me saying that I find parts of me in practically every movie that I watch. But this movie was different. I definitely found parts of me in this movie, but they were all different characters. And it made me wonder - am I really all these characters? Am I really so many different people?

At first, I thought I was the Penelope Cruz. The flirty, little, sex kitten that is just desperate for the love of a man that will never love her back. Like Penelope, I sometimes find myself willing to do almost anything for a boy in hopes that it will make him like me more. I hope that maybe it will open his eyes to what has been in front of him all along. But in the end, I'm just nothing but a cute, little sex toy.

Then there's Mrs. Contini, played by Marion Cotillard. The girl that he has but never seems to be enough. Like Guido's wife, I put all efforts into a relationship to try and make it work. But the efforts aren't reciprocated, and I hold my tongue at how hurt I feel. Everything seems to be taken from me, but I just let him take it all

Then there's Nicole Kidman as the diva, Claudia Jenssen. A successful girl that is forced to put on a celebrity, high-maintenance persona to uphold an image. There are days where I feel like I'm wearing a forced smile. That it's wrong that I'm putting up a false happiness just to cover up how sad and alone I feel on the inside. And once again, she's faced with the fact that the man that she loves will never love her back. That the only side he sees of her is this wonderful, gorgeous, and primped version that the rest of the world sees, but it's not the real her. And in an unusual way, I know that he doesn't see the real me either. It's the only side of me that he chooses to see, yet it's still not enough for him to love me.

So even though all of these characters are completely different, I still see myself in all of them. Is it possible that I can be so many different people, but the same person all the same?

in a very unusual way, i think i’m in love with you.
in a very unusual way, i want to cry. something inside me goes weak, something inside me surrenders. you're the reason why. you're the reason why...

in a very unusual way, you've made me whole.

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