Monday, September 27, 2010

salsa dancing in medical booties = day 1 of theatre week.

It's finally here, ladies + gents...the first theatre week of the SVB season 2010-2011! And due to the fact that they're being more strict about taking pictures backstage, I won't be able to provide as many pictures this year :(
But the days this week are longer than usual because of all the different schools and companies participating with us in this festival of dance, but it's not that big of a deal...even though, I have 3 tests this week, a paper due this weekend, an egg launcher to start designing + building, and finding time to eat and breathe.

Tonight was a lot of fun because we're in a theatre we've never performed in in downtown. I've passed by the theatre several times, but I've never actually been inside nonetheless performed in it! But I really like the venue - it's very old-fashioned and ancient but I love it. The dancers from the other schools were really excited to be there as well, and I was looking forward to seeing what they were bringing to the stage we are sharing for the week.
I really like the variety in styles that are being performed in this show - jazz, ballroom, modern, lyrical, classical ballet, etc. And it's really eye-opening to see different styles of choreography and artistic vision. It's really refreshing to me to watch different kinds of choreography, and after watching a piece that I really enjoyed, I always want to head straight to the studio to start choreographing!

And here comes the famous Daily Theatre Week List...
-We have to wear medical booties around backstage to protect our shoes. I love them.
-Medical booties look like mushrooms.
-I hid my phone so it wouldn't get taken away, so that makes me a trouble maker.
-My best friends and I are able to complete each others' sentences and practically read each others' minds. That's how close we are.
-Come 1, 2, and 3. Beat mix it.
-I want to be a DJ. Just for the headphones to feel legit and the endless parties.
-I've been assigned to teach my friend how to dance. He's a dancer.
-"Time for a vocab quiz!" "Okay...BLASTOSPORE!!!"

Tomorrow night is "Group B", so it's a whole different group of schools and companies coming into the theatre! So the madness continues...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

i need attention.

"no matter how big or small the job is, you have to love the end, you have to do what you want for yourself." - my dad.

Lately I've had more heart-to-heart conversations with my parents because of my instability as a senior in high schoool. I've just been complaining about college apps, being so stressed out, wanting to have more priviliges, and just trying to be the adult I want to be. And still, I'm tied down with the responsibilities of a child (the oldest nonetheless) and the ambitions of an adult.

Tonight I had an epiphany with a talk I had with my father. I've realized that I do a lot of things just because I want attention. I know we all want attention to a certain extent - the attention of your peers, your parents, people you first meet - but for me, I've discovered that I want attention from everyone in every single way possible. And I still haven't decided if it's a bad thing or not.
I was explaining to my dad how I do SO MUCH! I take as many hard classes as I can handle, join as many clubs as I can, volunteer as much as possible, and try to find time to take up some new hobbies. And if you looked at my resume, it may seem as if I didn't even have a life with all the activities I get myself involved with. I dance, I paint, I take pictures, I play guitar and write music, I enjoy math, I love helping people out in the community, etc. etc. etc....and I do all this because I believe that someone will take the time to be amazed by my overly well-rounded personality and just pay attention to me! I'm just waiting for someone to look at my busy body and think that I'm Superwoman. Just so that someone will fall in love with my dedication, ambition, and will power that I have to be such a (insanely) successful person.

I know that sometimes I'm practically committing suicide for signing myself up for so many different activities, and my schedule is practically filled to the brim. But somehow I still feel empty. I'm filled with all these ideas, passions, and energy to do everything I want and anything I put my mind to, but there still seems to stll be an empty space in my heart waiting to be filled by something...attention?


attention! attention!
may i have all your eyes + ears to the front of the room, if only for one second?

tied to the theatre.

This weekend was our last in-studio rehearsal for the Dance Festival coming up next weekend. This year, the company is jumping the gun and getting started on everything as soon as possible! It really helps with muscle memory and getting everything done, but it can be so overwhelming at the same time! And again, like I always say, I wouldn't have it any other way.

This week I'll be at the theatre every night until 10 o' clock in the evening. Sleep will disappear from my agenda with a couple of tests and papers in the schedule as well. Coffee will be necessary, not an option, early in the morning. I'll probably not wear anything cute this week. I'll probably be wearing my glasses everyday. I'm not going to be able to talk to my boyfriend as much. Dinner will be energy bars backstage. Hand-washing leotards is the first thing I'll do when I get home instead of homework. I will fall asleep with my feet soaking in ice water (probably not the best idea) with AP Bio homework sitting in my lap still waiting to be finished. I'll wake up with yesterday's dress rehearsal makeup gluing my eyes shut....

Oh, I love theatre week.

Friday, September 24, 2010

plank friday.

"we are so weird!!!! but i love it."

These days we always complain about being weird and that being the reason why we can't find someone. We are just too strange for anyone to understand and fall in love with.
But the truth is you wouldn't be the same person if you weren't weird and abnormal. You wouldn't be human.

And the other truth is someone will find you, and love every single weird bit of you.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

rachel's challenge.

"i have this theory that if one can go out of their way to show compassion, it will start a chain reaction of the same." - rachel joy scott

Tonight I had the opportunity to attend a presentation that is known throughout the country as Rachel's Challenge. I have never heard of this program or the story of Rachel Joy Scott, but as I was walking into that middle school gym, I heard people were "getting ready for the tears" with tissues and getting ready for prayer. And I almost wanted to leave to prevent myself from getting too emotional (like I always do) and crying in front of a gym full of people. But as the night went on, I realized that no one could go through that presentation without the feeling of crying (or almost crying for you toughies out there) and heartbreak.

Tonight I heard the story of a very compassionate, kind, and inspiring girl named Rachel Joy Scott told by her father. She was the first student to be shot at the Columbine High School shooting that occured 11 years ago, and I could still sense and hear that feeling of loss in his voice even though it was so long ago. I was too young to remember or even hear about this event, but I was watching the news clips and footage from the scene of the crime, I had a chill down my spine. And I kept asking myself, "Who would do such a thing? How could someone have so much hate + cruelty in their hearts to want to kill hundreds of innocent people? Why did this even happen?" And it breaks my heart to know that there are people with hurtful and violent thoughts in the world still.

But the presentation wasn't to cry about the lives lost at the school shooting, it was to tell us Rachel's dream. Rachel's dream of passing on the idea of compassion. The idea of a chain reaction. A plague of love that kills hate with kindness. The words that she wrote in her journal made me reflect my life and what more I could do to be truly kind to people. I strongly believe in the power of a simple act of kindness, and Rachel's words really inspired me to step up a notch. I always talk about how I can't help but choose to see the good in everyone, and I used to think it was kind of a curse in that I find myself getting involved with people with bad intentions. But Rachel's first step to starting this chain reaction is to only see the good in people - it will make being nice to people so much easier and more real. So it's not a curse for me anymore, but the only thing I need to do is still be able to recognize when one's intentions aren't the best.

One last thing Rachel wrote about is the importance of dreams. She wrote that her dream of making everyone understand the true meaning of kindness and compassion is only a dream and seems nearly impossible, but she still believed in the strength of her dream of making it come true. To this day, Rachel's Challenge has reached over 11 million people! And it all began with Rachel believing in her dreams. You all have dreams. I know you do, and you know you do. And tonight reminded me that at times dreams may seem out of your reach and larger than your lifetime, but the amount of energy, soul, heart, blood, sweat, and faith you put into that dream will show. And it will grow, and it will come true. So don't give up.

If Rachel's Challenege ever comes to a city near you, I highly encourage you to go. Go in with an open heart and be ready for self-reflection. And unlike me, bring some tissues.

"I won't be labeled as average" - Rachel Joy Scott

Monday, September 20, 2010

"i was lost today, and i needed you...i miss you."

There are those things that we have always wanted. Those things that when you think about it, you can't even remember the exact moment at which you craved that very thing with every thread of your soul. Those things that make you lay awake in bed at night right before you fall asleep, when your mind is most active, and you fantastize and dream about what life would be like if you could have those very things in your life right now. Those things that make being alive worth living yet almost painful at the same time. Those things that keeps your light turned on.

And for the longest time, I prayed and wished and hoped for something that I thought was never going to come for me for a very long time. My heart had been broken, and it seemed as if my healing strategies weren't good enough to heal it up all the way. I discovered this new kind of fear of never receiving love when I gave too much of it away. The fear that my efforts of happiness and compassion would someday mean nothing and be nothing but a high school memory. My dreams of love and a relationship were changed, and the path I was going to take to find the happiness of being with someone had been altered.

But I can honestly say that things are a lot clearer now that I'm with him.
And I'm not afraid to give certain parts of myself because I know I'll get it back.
And I've found this new kind of happiness that I thought only existed in my dreams.
But it's real. And it's just one of those things...


Sunday, September 19, 2010

hugga mugga + su.

Today my best friend, Courtney, is turning the big 1-8. Thus, finally entering adult-hood. There is just one problem with that...

We don't act like adults.
Happy birthday, Hugga Mugga.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

"the world is my oyster, and i found my pearl."

Walking around downtown at night with glowsticks in my hair and someone holding my hand is what happiness looks like. Walking around downtown with glowsticks in my hair, someone holding my hand, and this infinite feeling in my heart is what happiness feels like.

To be honest, I agreed to this relationship unsure if I really wanted to be with someone. I knew that he made me happy, and I knew that we would be good together. But I was still unsure if my heart was ready to let someone in again. And although I told him "yes", my heart was saying "maybe". And I felt guilty for making him think that I was putting my whole self into this new found relationship. But once he said and did all the right things, my heart was stopped holding back.
The other night on the phone, I confessed that I had had my heart broken in the past, made mistakes by falling for boys that wanted nothing but my body, and that I have trust issues. And he replied that there is a "No Judge Zone" established between us, and my past doesn't change the way he looks at me or likes me.

He told me this, "The world is my oyster, and I found my pearl."
And I never saw the world as an oyster. The world is too big to be a little mollusc organism. But once he told me this, I started seeing the world as an oyster - small, closed off, isolated, full of precious things that you have to find. The world all of a sudden seemed so much smaller to me, and I felt so sheltered and protected in this oyster of a world. This feeling that I could travel from one side of my oyster to the other and still feel the same kind of alone and same kind of smallness. The same boring oyster created for you to make you feel exactly the same. But once you find your pearl, you realize how truly special being in this oyster world is.

I'm happy as a clam....or oyster.

Friday, September 17, 2010

at peace.

Remember when my heart was broken? Remember how I didn't know what to do about the other girl? Remember when I was lost and afraid afraid of the future? Well, I have great news. All these problems are resolved, and I'm finally at peace with myself and the other girl.

A few days ago, I said that I refuse to be reduced by anything and anyone that is cruel and hateful. And in the past few days, things were left unsaid for and in the air, and it was really getting to my conscience. The hurt from the past was rising up from the depths of my heart, and I was feeling scared for what was going to happen. But I decided to step forward and take action.

The other girl and I talked. And we're at peace. We're more than "at peace"; we've become really great friends. We established that we were both hopeful and curious girls that are on the same side of life and that the common denominator here is stupid boys ;)

But the lesson I've learned here is that communication is key. And honesty is always the best policy. I know that I always say that, but it's so true. I was 100% honest with her, and she with me. And we were both being emotional girls that want nothing but to be loved and get the best out of life. I told her how much I was hurt when I found out about her and how I was nothing but jealous. I was jealous that she got the one thing that I've always wanted - him. She got him, and she had him, and she called him hers. And that's something that I've always wanted, yet could never ever have. I've always accepted it, but I've never confessed it. I've always accepted the fact that he and I could never be together, but now that I've talked with the other girl, I'm at peace.

I'm at peace with her.
I'm at peace with myself.
And I'm finally at peace with my past.

all these problems in my poor brain is gonnna pop...i need to find some peace.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

ms. bria.

I don't know how I managed to forget to mention that I've got myself a little job as an assistant teacher at my dance studio! Last week, I was asked to help out with a few of the younger classes at the studio, and today was my first day! I'm helping out with three classes every week. The youngest girls that I help to teach are 4 and 5, and the oldest are about 9 or 10. Starting out today was a lot of fun, and all the little kiddies are adorable. So far I've been a demonstrater and a partner for a girl that wanted to chasé across the diagonal.

Being around all these little girls that want to dance reminded me of myself. Putting on the frilly little leotards with the skirts attached to it and my first ballet shoes. As I watch these little girls flail around unable to really control their movements, I wonder how clapping, horsey-gallops, and bunny hops got me all the way to fouettes, saut de chats, and piqués. I look at some of the girls, and I can't help but guess which ones are going to dance for the rest of their lives and which ones aren't. The way they jump around and can't stop twirling in circles let me see the glow inside of them. The glow of the passion the drives them to dance. It might seem that they're a little too young to have a "drive", but that light and glow is what makes them jump and spin as soon as the music starts playing. And that's where it begins.

I'm really loving this job because seeing the little girls just loving every single thing they're doing pushing me as well to give them the best inspiration to make that glowing light to grow even more. I can't wait to be a teacher on my own...

I don't even want to know what I looked like when I first started dancing. Probably clumsy as hell...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

i refuse.

I refuse to let a cruel thought to bring me down.
I refuse to let people hate me for the wrong reasons.
And I refuse to let me tell myself I'm not good enough.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


this defines us.
Last night was my senior homecoming dance, and I had such a great time. The morning was really stressful with the ACTs, pouring rain, and a little drama. But in the end, everything cleared up and the night went swimmingly. We ate at an Italian restaurant called Norberto's, and Tai + I managed to have a dinner bill under $10 (our meal consisted of garlic bread, hot tea, and chocolate cake). He DJed the car rides which makes him the best date and ultimate gentleman. And not to mention a really good dancer.

And the night ended with him asking me if I would like to be his girlfriend. And I said "yes".

So here's to my DJing, tea-drinking, dancing, and goofy boyfriend - Tai.


PS. DJ Deadmau5 is killing it on the VMA's tonight...

Friday, September 10, 2010

extreme blue + gold day.

Today I went all out for Extreme Blue+Gold Day representing the Titans. I wore my caterpillar blue suit from Alice in Wonderland, and it was a hit! I was getting all the funniest looks (both from my performance at the hypnotist show and my blue martian suit) and I felt like an idiot, but I didn't care. I'm a senior, and Imma do what I want.

I wore the blue suit all day at school and on the senior float as well. And I was soaking up being a senior at the end of spirit week. And when I got to the game, I kept the blue suit on and screamed my head off right in the front row. I was really cheering and yelling as hard as I could tonight because I wanted to see the Titans win tonight. For the past 4 years, we have lost our Homecoming games; we lost even before I was a freshman. So I was just hoping and praying that we would win tonight. However, we didn't. We played such a good game, and I'm really proud of the team. But I was so close to crying tonight because of how close the game was tonight. I get too into football games...

Tomorrow is my senior homecoming dance. The morning will start off with ACTs, then company rehearsal, then my last high school homecoming dance. How sad...

PS. I'm thinking about wearing that blue suit to every football game...

Thursday, September 09, 2010

disney day.

from left to right: jasmine, alice (from "alice in wonderland), (another) jasmine, pocahontas, tweedle dum, captain hook, and tweedle dee.
Today was Disney Day! I originally wanted to be Jasmine since she is my favorite Disney princess, but a couple of my friends were going to be Jasmine already. So I went with Pocahontas. I know that I probably could've pulled off Mulan really well, but I was Mulan for freshman Disney Day and I wanted to do something different this time around. There were some really cute outfits today (the twins being Tweedle Dee + Dum definitely being one of my favorites.

I feel like this spirit week has gone by too fast and homecoming has come too fast this year. It makes me a little sad that it is my last homecoming week, but I've had a lot of fun for the past three years. And this year is so much fun.

Tomorrow is the usual Extreme Blue + Gold Day with the Homecoming parade and Homecoming game. My outfit for tomorrow is going to be insane, so you better brace yourselves. And I better win best costume for tomorrow...

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

holla day + the hypnotist show.

ho11a day!

Today was Holiday Day...but for the seniors it was HOLLA DAY! As seniors, we practically run this school, so we decided that Holla Day was easier and more fun to dress for. I had a lot of fun looking like a total B-Girl. I was totally rocking cornrows and the Snookie poof (she's my fave on Jersey Shore...yes, I watch Jersey Shore. And I love it.). And all day I was known as B-Weezy. Practically everyone dressed up today, and it was so hilarious to see everyone be someone that they obvious weren't for one day.

And tonight I had the chance to participate in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I got hypnotized by the magical Tom Deluca. Every year he comes to my school to hypnotize a group of seniors and makes them do a bunch of crazy and potentially embarrassing acts. I went 2 years ago to watch a couple of my good senior friends at the time speak in an alien language and change the mascot of our school. Ever since that first hypnotist show I went to sophomore year, I wanted to be hypnotized by Mr. Deluca. So I did everything in my power to try to be picked tonight.
I got to the school at 5:45pm to wait for the doors to open and the show to start at 7pm. I made a poster that said "Hypnotize a ballerina" and I wore my tutu. When Tom picked me to go onstage, I was extremely excited. And this is where it will be very difficult for me to explain what happened to me tonight...
Tom told us to do certain things to help us fall asleep and let him into our mind. At first, I didn't think it was going to work on me because I didn't feel myself falling asleep at all. I was getting so mad at myself that it wasn't working because I wanted to be hypnotized so badly. And then at some point - I have no clue when - I fell asleep and got hypnotized. I know he made me do a lot of crazy things, but I didn't find out what I did until after the show when everyone was telling me that I was dancing like a maniac on the stage. It's difficult for me to remember to what exactly happened, but you just need to check Tom Deluca out and see for yourself...

Tomorrow is Disney Day!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

circus day + powderpuff football.


Today is Circus Day!!
Homecoming is so early this year that I didn't have much time to get my outfits together. So I just threw this one together from stuff I have in my closet. I wanted to be some kind of acrobat/tightrope walker kind of gal, but, honestly, I just wanted to have an excuse to wear my tutu to school. There weren't many people dressed up today like there have been in the past, but I think it's because spirit week is so early in the year this year that people didn't have time to get their costumes ready.
But it's my senior year, and I'm going all out every single day of the week!

Today was also the big Powderpuff Juniors vs. Seniors Football game. I was so stoked to get on the field and kick some 11th grade girl butt, and the girls on the senior team are all beasts. We all wanted to win, and we were willing to do anything to make sure that the game ended with us killing the juniors. And we did just that. I was in every single play as either the corner defense or defensive linebacker. I got down and dirty and wasn't afraid to tackle a girl (even though we weren't supposed to), and I walked off that field with some lovely, bleeding scratches on my knees and all the way up the side of my thighs. The team this year was great, and I had a lot of fun on the field. The coaches were a big help helping all the girls figure out what all the positions are and helping us get angy and pumped. And the final score was 28-14, and it was definitely one of the best nights of my life. I almost considered quitting dance just to play football ;)

Remember last Homecoming week when it was also theatre week for Ties? And I got really sick and ended up with bronchitis? And I still did two full out shows and still went to the Homecoming dance? Yeah, that's when I realized that I might be some kind of super hero...hopefully this year nothing of that sort will happen again!

Tomorrow is Holiday Day. But we seniors have a little surprise up our sleeves...

Monday, September 06, 2010

a coffee date without the coffee.

In the midst of all this stress and chaos going on my world right now, I still make some time to go on a date. I don't know how I do it, but I do. And I'm glad I do because it's really nice to just step away from everything and everyone else to just spend some time with one other person.

I spent about two hours walking around and around in circles with someone that I have a lot in common with. And it's so comforting to know that you're not the only kind of you in this world. Sure there's only one "you", but there's another part of this real "you" that you have to find. You'll know when you meet them. You'll be strongly attracted to them for the first time, and you won't really be sure why. You barely know this person, yet you know that you want to be theirs. You only know the basics, and you want to know every detail about them. You have had your heart broken in the past too many times, but you are so sure that this time they won't break your heart...

That's how I feel right now. And that's how I felt when I was with him today. It was so nice. And I'm still crossing my fingers for something to happen.

Let the homecoming fun begin!!

Saturday, September 04, 2010

true beauty.

People always ask me why I dance. Why I spend every single weekend in the studio for 5 hours when I could be hanging out with friends or going shopping or sleeping or even doing homework. Why I don't really mind that my feet are all ugly from pointe shoes.

And my answer is simple: because it makes me feel beautiful.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror at the studio, and I see a girl that is drenched in sweat and almost close to tears from being so frustrated. Dancers aren't perfect, but we always strive for it. And when we aren't perfect we get frustrated. So how does beating myself down and having nasty sweatstains make me feel beautiful? I find the beauty in the hard work.

As a dancer and hungry artist, I'm going to keep pushing through and doing anything to get what I want. Spending hours of my life to produce something I will be proud of. At this moment of my life, I feel like my success and confidence in my career is only in it's early, baby stage. At this moment in my life, I feel as if I'm walking on a tightrope that requires me to keep on my toes and keep balance, but the only way to go is forward.
And as I get to the point in my life where I'm going to take the big step of going to college and starting the rest of my life, I'm getting more complex and more excited+anxious as my graduation date approaches.

I'm starting to get crazy and stressed out from school and dance and friends and lack of boys...but that's the true beauty of it.

Homecoming in a week, my darlings.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

hey, mister dj.

It's really close to Homecoming, and I really thought that I wasn't going to get a date and wasn't going to end up going to the dance. And as I was moping around about being date-less at the same time as swooning over my favorite DJ's (Tiesto, Laidback Luke, Avicii, Axwell, etc.), I recalled Tai (cute little blondie on the left), the DJ from the rave I went to this past weekend. Our friendship formed over the common interest in that of yummy techno music. He asked me for music suggestions for upcoming raves, and we have continued to trade music for a while now. Acting on a whim, like I always do, I asked him to escort me to the Homecoming dance next Saturday, and he agreed. So, problem solved. And I will be attending my senior Homecoming dance with a bad ass DJ. And we've already agreed that he will be DJing every single moment in the car.

Almost Friday! And 3 day weekend, baby.

PS. I want to marry a DJ. Possibly this one.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

my wednesday buddy.

"well you'll have to see when i get back."

Today is Wednesday.
Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. It always has been ever since the 7th grade when my science teacher told me why it's also known as "Hump Day".

He remembered that Wednesdays were my favorite ever since the first time I told him. And for the longest time, he made my Wednesdays lovely. Those were the days he would hold my hand and whisper sweet words to me.
And then he went away, and my Wednesdays were boring and lonely again.

Today I talked my Wednesday buddy for the first time since he's gone away, and we're still as close as could be. I think it's quite ironic that it so happened to be Wednesday that we spoke to each other.
I miss my Wednesday buddy.


so we go from year to year with secrets we've been keeping...
...on a wednesday