Sunday, September 26, 2010

i need attention.

"no matter how big or small the job is, you have to love the end, you have to do what you want for yourself." - my dad.

Lately I've had more heart-to-heart conversations with my parents because of my instability as a senior in high schoool. I've just been complaining about college apps, being so stressed out, wanting to have more priviliges, and just trying to be the adult I want to be. And still, I'm tied down with the responsibilities of a child (the oldest nonetheless) and the ambitions of an adult.

Tonight I had an epiphany with a talk I had with my father. I've realized that I do a lot of things just because I want attention. I know we all want attention to a certain extent - the attention of your peers, your parents, people you first meet - but for me, I've discovered that I want attention from everyone in every single way possible. And I still haven't decided if it's a bad thing or not.
I was explaining to my dad how I do SO MUCH! I take as many hard classes as I can handle, join as many clubs as I can, volunteer as much as possible, and try to find time to take up some new hobbies. And if you looked at my resume, it may seem as if I didn't even have a life with all the activities I get myself involved with. I dance, I paint, I take pictures, I play guitar and write music, I enjoy math, I love helping people out in the community, etc. etc. etc....and I do all this because I believe that someone will take the time to be amazed by my overly well-rounded personality and just pay attention to me! I'm just waiting for someone to look at my busy body and think that I'm Superwoman. Just so that someone will fall in love with my dedication, ambition, and will power that I have to be such a (insanely) successful person.

I know that sometimes I'm practically committing suicide for signing myself up for so many different activities, and my schedule is practically filled to the brim. But somehow I still feel empty. I'm filled with all these ideas, passions, and energy to do everything I want and anything I put my mind to, but there still seems to stll be an empty space in my heart waiting to be filled by something...attention?


attention! attention!
may i have all your eyes + ears to the front of the room, if only for one second?

No comments: