Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the beginning of the end.

All college stuffs due tomorrow. And I'll be all yours...

PS. And all these itchies will go away.

Friday, November 26, 2010

a meeting with heartbreaker.

-douglas couplan
  Today I met up with Heartbreaker.
He's back in town for the holidays, but will be back to his perfect, sunny life by Sunday. Before he arrived back into town, he asked me if I would like to meet up and catch up on lost times. I had no idea what I was getting myself into talking to him again in the first place, and I was legitimately afraid of what was going to happen if I were going to meet up with him. Questions kept running through my mind...Has he changed? Does he miss me? Will he tell me everything I dream of him telling me? Will I be able to look into his eyes and feel nothing? Will we still be the same?
...the list goes on. Despite the uneasy feeling I was getting in the bottom of my gut and the depths of my heart, I agreed to meet up with him.

We met up in a coffee shop (just like old times). His hair looked terrible. And we both ordered tea. I remember the first time we had tea together and did nothing but look into each others' eyes in silence...it was painful sitting across from him because I kept having flashbacks of the times we spent together and the friendship we shared. He looked back at me with a different set of eyes - ones that have seen and experienced more - and spoke with a different pair of lips - ones that were telling new stories of the liquor they have sipped and lips they have kissed. But the pain went away when I told him about the relationship I am in now. He admitted that it was strange to know that my heart belonged to another, and I couldn't help but feel happy about telling him about how much better I am without him.

However, the evening took a turn for the strange and heart-pulling when we started reminiscing about old times. He took me home in the car that I miss, and he showed me music like he always does. We did the usual fist pumping and "holy shit"-ing to the fat beats bumping through his great speakers. We talked about the sexciting (I invented this new word. Get into it) times used to have, and he uttered the words, "We are very passionate lovers."
And my heart was pulled back just a few more steps, and I couldn't help but be confused for a few moments. My heart has wanted him to love me and take me for the longest time, but my head kept telling me that he was bad news. But I quickly remembered the reason I got happy while we were sipping on coffee - I am so much better without him. His true feelings and the truth about our "unfinished business" may be coming out now, but I could truly care less.

I love him in the past.
We're still close as best friends could be. But nothing more.
And I'm okay with that.

we were never meant to be this damn broken
words were never meant to be this half-spoken

Thursday, November 25, 2010

thank god for benadryl.

I woke up this morning with hives all over my face and my eyes swollen shut. I have no idea what it was from, but I took Benadryl and spent most of the day sleeping, only waking up to eat Thanksgiving dinner and write this blog post. (I had to take ugly pictures with a hive-covered face, but they're too embarrassing to put up on this blog...)I do one of these every year, so here it goes...

1. the universe. you throw the craziest things at all of us, but you know it's for the best. and somehow, through you, we're all connected.

2. my family. Familiy is always there, no matter what.

3. best friends. My list of best friends seems to grow every year. They're all like sisters to me.

4. tai. Oh, boyfriend...thank god I'm not the only book nerd, techno obsessed, and fashionista in this world.

5. dance. One of the few things I'm sure about in life. One of the many things that make me happy. The only thing that I will never stop living.

6. food, clothing, shelter. We often take these things for granted. Just think for a split second everyday that you're lucky. Really lucky.

7. music. It brings us all together in the most amazing ways - in the record stores, on the dancefloor, and on the stage. And I'm so thankful that I get the opportunity to create my own music and learn how to play different instruments.

8. books. Book nerds forever <3

9. hot tea, a snuggie, and my pup. The perfect equation for a lovely evening.

10. the golden hour. Realizing that you're surroundings are beautiful make you love life a little more everyday.

11. heartbreaker. I think about you everyday and how much you screwed me over. And I couldn't be more thankful that you did.

12. keltie colleen. Ms. Keltie. Everyday I wonder when I'm going to meet you and try not to act like a little fan girl. But I really must say that you inspire me to be my very best as a dancer, artist, lover, and child of the universe. Thank you for being you, a wonderful dancer and role model, and being the best for all of us in your army.

13. movies. Forever and always a movie junkie.

14. high school. It's been quite the four years (not over yet!). You've taught me the best and worst things about people, but I'm forever thankful. Sorry to say that I'm not going to miss you too much.

15. really high heels. They make my little legs look a bit longer. Thank you, 5-inch pumps.

16. fashion designers. Although your models make me feel even shorter and even more self-conscious about the way I look, you're always inspiring me to discover my own personal style and to not be afraid of things I want to wear.

17. laughter. They say laughing makes you live longer. At this rate, I'm going to live for forever. Thanks, laughter.

18. love. I know people are afraid of you sometimes - myself included - but the Beatles said it best: "All you need is love."

19. hugs + kisses. I'm a hugger and a kisser.

20. you. Every single one of you that read my blog inspire me so much every single day. I know there aren't many of you, but each and every one of you give me confidence and reassurance that maybe I can really achieve my dreams. You're always there sending me good vibes for an audition and wishing me well on my next performance, and every little bit helps! So thank you so much for all the support, love, and sweet tweets you all send me. You all are everything I could ask for plus more, so thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! And an infinity times more!

Now time to go back to sleep...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


"i tried not to use the word 'hate', even though it poured out of my heart." - keltie colleen; rockettes, rockstars, and rockbottom

Last night, after I cam home from dance class, I noticed a package sitting on the kitchen counter with my name on the front. I didn't recognize the return address, but when I opened it up, I screamed. It was Keltie's book. The one that I had ordered a long time ago, and it was finally here!

Rather than paying attention during the last day of school before the Thanksgiving break, I decided to keep my nose buried in Keltie's book all day. And I finished it. And I'm left in tears and a happy heart. Keltie has been through a lot, and reading her book has changed the way I look at her for the better. I don't think people give her enough credit for how far she has come, but she deserves a standing ovation. I was left crying from the book being over, from the feeling of how proud I am of Keltie, and from the connection I made with certain parts of the book. The last part, about Dreamer, hit me the hardest. I've dealt with a liar and a cheat, and he's a heartbreaker. (So from now on, I shall refer to him as Heartbreaker.) And all the words that I kept silent and deep within my heart were written right there on the page in front of me, and I couldn't help but be reminded of the hurt feeling that Heartbreaker caused me.

On the other hand, tears formed in my eyes from the happy heart beating in my chest. It was so comforting to know that I wasn't the only one that has been screwed over. I think that all the people that have had their hearts broken have a secret club and alliance. It's formed with all the pieces of our hearts that are left, and somehow that's enough to make it.

But most of all, I connected most for her hunger for love, art, and life as a whole. People live for different things, and I lived for what Keltie lived for as I read this book. It was a roller coaster of feelings and events, but I felt. A lot. And that's all that matters. And as a hungry and aspiring artist in this generation, I look up to people like Keltie that do nothing but keep pushing forward, don't take 'no' for an answer, and make doubters turn into believers. You can live for computer science. You can live for psychology. You can live for the potatoes that grow in your backyard. You live for something. And it just so happens that Keltie (as well as many of us) live art and the discovery of true love. You know you're one of them...
I am so proud - we're so proud - of Keltie and the success she has thus far in her life. However, there is so much more for her in the upcoming future! And we all know we can't wait to see what is in store for her next!

Please buy her book at http://www.deadxstop.com/!

Happy reading!
PS. Kelts, when are you going to do a book reading at my Barnes + Noble?! I'll be your worker bee for free! (You like that rhyming there?)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

my worst nightmare.

My first love and my true love are standing in front of me. Which one do I choose?
This is my worst nightmare.

One never forgets how a certain person made you feel. Especially our first love. And people think that the fact that he broke my heart would make me fall out of love with him, but it did exactly the opposite. It made my love for him become stronger because I realized that even through all the pain, I still loved him. Through all the ugly lies and hollow promises, my love for him grew and so did our friendship. We became close friends, confidants, and companions.

It's been over a year since he broke my heart, but I still think about it everyday. How the pain has made me a stronger person and a better lover. How it has created the ideal version of love in my mind. How it has left a lasting memory on my heart that I will never be able to forget.

I always choose love.
But what if both your options were both things that you love?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

like cinderella at the ball.

"do your best bevel, ladies!"
Last night was a magical evening of dancing, dancing, and dancing.
The Nutcracker Ball is a fun night of fundraising, and I just love seeing all the people that come to support the company. (And it's funny to watch them get more and more tipsy throughout the night.) Everyone was all smiles all night.
Last year was the first time I ever got to dance at the Nutcracker Ball, and I was invited to dance again this year.

The day started off early as usual at 9 o' clock. I loved watching everyone walk in with the dresses they were to wear that night and the heels they'd force their swollen toes into. And our teenage girl minds couldn't focus on the rehearsal we were supposed to be mentally present in, and Pedro noticed. We ran most of Act II with a few extras. My little brother is doing Nutcracker this year (last year, he got ill the day of the show, so he didn't get to perform it), and I am so proud of him. He's a tiny little 8 year old, that looks like he's still 5, that is dancing as a party boy in the party scene. I love watching him dance because he has so much fun, and he's a fast learner. Not to mention, he has natural talent with better feet than I have and natural flexibility. It's not fair! Anyway, as soon as we finished rehearsal, we excitedly headed to the Hotel Roanoke downtown. We saw the familiar ballroom, but there were different decorations this year. The ladies that put the decor together always work their magic. (How many times do I say that the ladies behind the curtain work their magic?)

We quickly marked and rehearsed our pieces on the dancefloor, and we were almost ready to start the ball. Pedro had one thing to say to me after I rehearsed my Cinderella variation: "Let the feeling overwhelm you. Feel like you're in heaven. Feel like you're in a ballroom like this." I looked all around me, and I saw the fancy tables and the chandeliers. And I was in heaven. I'm living a dream life that some girls my age wish they could live. Dancing every weekend and performing on a stage for a group of people that want nothing more than to support you. He gave me one last kiss on the top of my head and said his usual "Now go get beautiful...not that you're already beautiful."

We all got into the costume we were to wear for the first hour, where we all greeted the people as they entered the ballroom. We directed them towards the silent auctions going on as well as offering them a balloon. In this balloon, there was a slip of paper that said a prize on them, and we were to sell these balloons for some fast cash. I used this opportunity to be a better salesman and more marketable, and I failed miserably. I'm too good at being awkward around people I don't know and afraid of what dorky thing I could utter next. Before I knew it, all the balloons were gone, and we were sent back to the make-shift dressing room to get ready for the show.

I danced my Cinderella variation, but I wasn't too satisfied with how it went. But it sounds like my prince, as well as the other dancers did better. And the kickline went really well! It was a hit with the crowd, and I could see that they really enjoyed seeing such a holiday spirit filled dance. I couldn't help but feel like a Rockette while doing the kickline. Of course ours wasn't as perfect, but we looked good out there. And after the show, we were ready to get dressed into our formal dresses and pumps. (It's amusing how all of us can bring really high heels no matter how much our feet hurt.)

seniors <3

And remember last year when my mother fell ill the night of the ball? Well this year both my parents made it to the ball, and I loved seeing them so happy together. Watching them have so much fun and dancing made me realize where I got my dancing talents from.

Dancing all night long is my speciality.

PS. If a strange man ever comes up and dances with you, it's not always the prince at the ball. Sometimes it's just a bum off the street.

Friday, November 19, 2010

vcu audition + the beatles.

Today was the day.
My very first college audition!
VCU wasn't very appealing to me at a distance, but being at the school today and experiencing the teachers and getting to know the program a lot better made me realize that I might actually consider going there.
The morning started off early at 5 o' clock as my father and I hit the road. I slept for another hour or so, but when I woke up we did what we do best - jam out to the Beatles. My dad and I share very similar tastes in music, which is we both appreciate practically every music genre possible, and he loves it when I show him new music. His most recent favorite of which I've shown him is "Hoppípolla" by Sigur Rós (he mistakenly called them Swedish when they're really Icelandic). "Octopus's Garden" was our favorite song of the day as far as the Beatles go, but I also showed him my favorites by Mumford & Sons and Beirut. We arrived in Richmond around 9 with an hour to kill before check-in. And of course, my father and I found a nice little café to indulge in some hot tea. I had a cup of some delicious ginseng peppermint looseleaf tea. I definitely recommend it to all tea lovers.
I checked in at 10 o' clock, and once everyone was present, we went up to observe a workshop class that the school offers every Friday. While watching the class, I saw the different levels of dancers that were attending the school. I was happy to see a lot of dancers getting their legs up and staying on the music, and I caught myself learning the combinations and marking them in my head. The class excited me and made me want to jump in and join the other dancers.
The workshop class ended, and the audition began. We got our numbers, and I was number 410. I didn't find any significant attachment to this number, but I still wasn't too nervous about the audition. The audition was two and a half hours long - one hour of ballet, one hour of modern, and half an hour of improvisation. One of the teachers observing the class was a teacher I had while I went to Richmond Ballet's summer intensive last year. She so happens to be a teacher in the VCU dance program as well.

At the end of the audition she asked me, "Have I had you before?"
I responded with "Yes, I went to Richmond's summer program last year."
She continued on to say, "Oh okay! I was watching you the whole time trying to remember where I've had you! Good to see you!"

Being unforgettable: Check.
I think one of the main goals all dancers should have is to be unforgettable. Being unforgettable is what makes Baryshnikov, Sylvie Guillem, Nuryev, and Julie Kent some of the best dancers. Maybe having the teacher watch me almost the entire audition made her more picky and notice every single mistake I made, but still she remembered me and kept an eye on me making me even more unforgettable. That's a long stretch, but I've got to keep a positive attitude!

According to the director of the program, I should find out if I'm accepted or not within the next two weeks. Overall, I think I did really well, and it was very laidback as my first college audition. And I was quite content with the campus and the atmosphere of the area. It's no New York City, but it's still a bustling city that I wouldn't mind seeing myself living in. This whole college process is exciting, and being able to share it with you all makes it even more exciting. I'll let you know what happens next...


Thursday, November 18, 2010

first college audition, nbd.

As I've mentioned before, I'm auditioning for Virginia Commonwealth University tomorrow! I'm not too nervous about it, and I'm glad that I'm starting out closer to home for my first college audition. I know a handful of students that have/are dance + choreography majors at VCU, and they seem to really enjoy it. I'm going to be honest and say that I don't really want to stay in-state. I never really planned on going to college in Virginia, and being in New York this summer really made me determined to go to a school in New York. However in reality, it all depends on what my family can afford and what kinds of scholarships schools offer.

The Nutcracker Ball is also this weekend! Last year was my first year ever going, and I'm so excited to be going again this year! I'm particularly excited to perform the kickline that Pedro has titled as "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas" since we're dancing to that classic holiday tune. The kickline dance that we do every year is always a hit with the public, and I can't wait for them to see the bigger and better choreography that Pedro has created this year.

And now I must sleep because I need to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to make it to my audition...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

the grey area.

We are the grey area between our reality and everyone else's dreams.

Monday, November 15, 2010

my heart's memory.

"the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good." - gabriel garcía marquez; from love in the time of cholera

Today he asked, "What do you think about being in a relationship? Is it weird for you at all?"
And I couldn't help but be honest and say "Kinda."

I went on to further explain how, sadly, my past has changed the way I look at relationships, love, and life. Of course I'm not happy about how it's changed, but I can't control what the universe hands to me. Our hearts has its own memory and keeps feelings and emotions that you should always remember. But those things that are kept in your heart's memory box aren't always good. My memory box got messed up when my heart got broken, and it made the mistake of recognizing almost everything that came my way to be bad in fear of my heart getting hurt again. My heart's memory box built a stronger and more protective case that kept anything out that was a threat. My heart got strong but too hard. And I began to push people away. People that might have even been good for me - all because of one stupid heartbreak. And for the longest time, I told myself that I wasn't good enough for anyone. That I wasn't desirable enough for anyone to spend time with. That I wasn't girlfriend material. That I didn't deserve a happy relationship.

But being hurt and having that constant remembering of how much I was hurt and how hard it was to get back on my feet doesn't have any affect on how I feel about what I've gotten myself in now. The balance of good + bad memories in my heart's memory box is starting to get back to normal, and it's obvious. People are unaware of how the littlest things can put even the smallest mark on your memory box. But just don't forget that it's there. And although my heart became too hard and overprotective, understand that sometimes it's for the best. Because, unfortunately, you never know who is a heartbreaker and who isn't.

The ways in which the heart works is unbelievable. I just wish I could understand it a little more...

i'd like to be someone you could finally learn to love again...
love is surprises.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

two words: willie. hinton.

"you have to know your craft...that's what it's about. you have to love it."

Today I took a master class with one of the best teachers I've ever had the experience of having - Willie Hinton. He is a teacher at Richmond Ballet, and I had him as a teacher while I was there last summer. I briefly mentioned him a few times in my blog entries while I was there, but I don't think I talked about him enough for you guys to understand why he's such a great teacher. First, let me describe him. He's a muscular, average-height, fierce, and fabulous black man that goes for it. He graduated from North Carolina School of the Arts. Who can blame him? He's 41 (don't tell him I told you guys...), but he doesn't like a day over 24. And he tells us it's because he does hundreds of abwork every single day. It totally shows because he's so toned!
His classes are intense and focus on the atheleticism that all dancers should have. The ability to have stamina + grace at the same time. He constantly talks about how, as dancers, our job is to make what we do look easy. And that is what makes a great dancer. A subject he brought up today was the dancing in New York. He talked about how small the studios are, what kind of classes there are available to take, but most importantly, he emphasized what the atmosphere is like in those studios. And I was standing there thinking about my experience in NYC this summer - the best summer of my life. Indescribable and unforgettable. Nothing will ever make me forget how I fell in love with everything that I went through this summer, and when Willie was talking about it, I couldn't help but have a nostalgic feeling...

I miss New York. I probably talk about it at least once everyday. How there is always this feeling that you can do anything. How walking through the streets gives you an instant confidence boost. How walking into those dance studios means more than just taking a class - it's a chance to learn, grow, and thrive on passion of dancing. I'm so hungry for art and life. And they're not two different things to me. I eat, breathe, and live art, and that's how it should be. And I got the best of that world in New York. I surely miss it...

Willie's class today left me extremely sweaty as well as reminiscent of New York. And I know that I'll be feeling his entire class in my entire body tomorrow morning. I think this calls for an ice bath...


Saturday, November 13, 2010

it's nutcracker time.

Today's rehearsal was a long day as we continue to work and polish up Nutcracker. Theatre week is right around the corner, and the performance is in approximately t-minus 3 weeks. I can't believe it! It's really sneaking up on us. I think we're in great shape right now with just minimal corrections. I want to give a hugehugehuge "thank you" to the costume ladies that do nothing but magic while they construct completely new snow costumes. I did a fitting for mine, and they're absolutely gorgeous. The fabulous Mrs. Long (mother of the gorgeous and talented friend of mine, Jordan Elizabeth Long. She now has a Twitter! Follow her on her dancey adventures!) has done costumes for the company ever since Jordan was in the company herself, and we're all so thankful for her beautiful work and long-lasting dedication to the company.
Tonight we also finished the kickline dance that we will be performing for the first time at Nutcracker Ball this weekend. For the past couple of years, I've been a part of a Rockette-esque dance that we perform during Nutcracker season to compliment the holiday spirit. The first year I did it was sophomore year, and it was the first time we've ever done a dance like that. We had a blast, and the public really seemed to enjoy it, so we brought it back again last year with modified choreography. This year we're starting out fresh with brand new choreography and new costumes! The costumes are a lot more Rockette-like in a baby blue with snowflake designs. I'll make sure to get some pictures in them because they're absolutely adorable! I will be performing the kickline dance as well as the Cinderella variation from Act II. My fellow dancers will be performing Sugar Plum, Arabian, and the prince variation from Cinderella. It's going to be a fun night.
This year, the board has asked the five of us high school seniors in the company to decorate a Nutcracker that will be auctioned off at the ball. I came up with the brilliant idea of making a Harry Potter nutcracker seeing that the new movie comes out this Friday! We've been working on it for the past few weeks, and it's really coming together! It's looking good, and I hope that we're hoping that it will be a great seller at the ball!

Thanksgiving is coming up in a couple of weeks...time is going by too fast! I can't stand it! On the flip side, I'm almost done with all my college apps. I've still got a few more essays to write, so all that's left is to turn these suckers in and schedule some auditions. And speaking of auditions, I have my first one this coming week! I'll be auditioning for VCU next Friday, and I can't wait to see the campus and get into the auditioning mode.

Audition time already?

i'm in trouble.

"i love you too much to lose you."

I'm young, and I break the rules. It gets me in trouble, but I live to the fullest. What I didn't want to happen was to almost lose something that means so much to me.

He held my face and wiped my tears and wouldn't let me go.
And as I walked into the fire, the one in my heart only grew bigger.

"this is one fire i don't want to go out."

Thursday, November 11, 2010


"that doesn't matter. all that matters is right now."

I hate time.
It is the most established thing in our lives. The clock always telling us what hour it is to remind us what we should be doing. Although it is one of the most established things in this world, it is so surreal. One week could feel like a month. While the next could feel like a day. Our perceptions of time is relative, but it makes us wonder why how we make time speed up and slow down without actually altering the clock.

Time isn't fair.
It takes its victims and tortures others. And it seems as if time speeds up when you want it to slow down. Lately, time for me has been the most confusing thing to me. The past few months have just flew by, and I don't like it very much. The end of the first semester is coming up, my last company Nutcracker is around the corner, and I just don't know what to make of all of it. I know that we shouldn't try to fight time. I know that trying to fight time will make it even harder in the end. Enjoy the time you have now rather than wondering about the time that you don't.

Time flies when you're having too much fun...

PS. Forever always a favorite...
time is never time at all. we could never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

i'm a mess. you're a mess.

I'm a mess. You're a mess.
I remember for the longest time, especially in oh-so-awkward middle school, I was always trying to be something else - someone that I wasn't. And that constant masking and covering up of my true self caused me to go crazy. I can honestly say that not knowing who you are, what your surroundings are, and how to be your true self in those surroundings are the scariest things. It makes you feel lost, afraid, and paranoid about everything and what everyone is thinking.

Recently, I've had a discussion about when I found my true self. And I replied with, "I'm not finished yet."
Finding yourself is a neverending process and infinite discovery, and that's the beauty of it. (Although this discovery process began for me in my sophomore year) Once you embrace your full and complete self, things will become clearer and easier for you.

...like I'm embracing my total techno-obsessed self as I read Tiësto's new blog. He is one of my favorite DJs, and now he's writing a blog about the DJ clubbing life and the dance music industry. I'm looking forward to his future posts, and you should really check it out here!

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

me: "i found out what love was by someone treating me like shit. i found out what love was by experiencing what it shouldn't be."
him: "people throw the word 'love' around too much and say it without knowing what it really is. it's trial and error."

Maybe we're just young + reckless. Maybe we just like to pretend like we know what we're talking about. Maybe people think that we're taking life too seriously...but it's the total opposite.
We're free souls together.

Tonight I had a very special conversation with someone special to me. Someone that I've really gotten to know and can call one of my best friends. He understands me and loves to cuddle as much as I do. Someone that I love, and someone that loves me.
We talked about our personal perceptions about love and how we know when it's real. I held back the tears as I told him the story of the heartbreaker that changed my ideas of love in an instant. And I explained to him how feeling what I felt during heartbreak taught me how love is supposed to be. I then made the statement, "When you love someone, you don't have to ask any questions. You just know that you love them and that they love you."
And he agreed by saying, "There are just some questions that we don't need an answer to. You just have to accept it, and let it be."

In the past, I've been in relationships - beginning strong, but ending up short. And for me, it was a result of excuses.
"I like you, but..."
"You mean a lot to me, but..."
"I wish this could work out, but..."
That "but" word was always there because I was never sure. I was never happy enough to accept it and let it be. Until now.
People have asked me what makes a successful relationship, and I wish I knew the answer also. I only know what makes a bad relationship, and somehow that's good enough to know how to make certain things work. You have to figure out on your own, but it's not going to be easy.

Don't ask too many questions.

And How Long?
by Pablo Neruda

How long does a man live, after all?

Does he live a thousand days, or one only?

A week, or several centuries?

How long does a man spend dying?

What does it mean to say 'for ever'?

Lost in these preoccupation I set myself to clear things up.

I sought out knowledgeable priests.
I waited for them after their rituals,
I watched them when they went their ways
to visit God and the Devil.

They wearied of my questions.
They on their part knew very little;
they were no more than administrators.

Medical men received me

in between consultations,
a scalpel in each hand,
saturated in aureomycin,
busier each day.
As far as I could tell from their talk,
the problem was as follows:
it was not so much the death of a microbe -
they went down by the ton -
-but the few which survived
showeds signs of perversity.

They left me so startled

that I sought out the gravediggers.
I went to the rivers where they burnenormous painted corpses,
tiny bony bodies,
emperors with an aura
of terrible curses,
women snuffed out at a stroke
by a wave of cholera.
There were whole beaches of dead
and ashy specialists.

When I got the chance

I asked them a slew of questions.
They offered to burn me;
it was the only thing they knew.

In my own country the undertakers

answered me, between drinks:
'Get yourself a good woman
and give up this nonsense.'

I never saw people so happy.

Raising their glasses they sang,
toasting health and death.
They were huge fornicators.

I returned home, much older
after crossing the world.

Now I question nobody.

But I know less every day.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

goodbye, high school football.

This evening has been quite eventful.
It started off with my first performance of this Nutcracker season at an arts exhibition. The event was a place where artists displayed their artwork for display and sale. Unfortunately, there weren't many people there tonight which really surprised me because the artwork that was on display was amazing! I know the area that I live in to be very supportive of the arts, which is also why I was surprised that many people weren't there. I feel like if it had been advertised more a lot more people would've come. I'll make a suggestion for next year...The performance went well nonetheless; we performed twice - once at 5:00 and once at 6:30. I was accompained by my fellow company members + good friends, John and Molly, who performed the pas de deux from Flower Festival. I'm very sad to report that the stage that we danced on was terrible. It was a bunch of tiles made of a plywood-like material put together with a 2 foot drop to the actual ground. No marlee. And the little ridges that connected the tiles together made it impossible to turn. Regardless, the performance went well overall for the three of us. Both shows racked up a total of about 20 people (some of which were returning spectators from the first show). Also, I found out a couple more secrets tonight, but it'll be a couple months until I can reveal such secrets. So you're just going to have to wait...!

After the performance, I rushed to get to the last football game of the season. For my school anyway. I hate to say that our football team this year hasn't won a single game. But I am proud to say that I still go to the games to cheer my school on and represent! My favorite thing about football games is the feeling in the student section - the feeling that you can yell and scream crazy, loud, and almost-obnoxious things but it's not weird. I'm known to get into the games too much and yelling weird things at football games, that's for sure...for the last football game of the season, I pulled out the blue suit again to end the season on a light note despite our record this year. It was a freezing game, but it was still fun. And it was weird when it ended...I looked at all my fellow seniors, and we all had the look on our faces - "What now?" It's so strange thinking that next year we won't be the leaders of the student section anymore. That next year the team will be completely different. That next year we'll all be in college...but we all gave a round of hugs at the end of the game and sang "Hey Baby!" all together for the last time as high school students.

Goodbye, high school football.
I loved you while you lasted.
I'm going to miss you.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

i don't care anymore.

I hate looking at both of you knowing that I love you both and knowing which one I love more.

Once someone has made a certain impact in your life, it's innate to remember it forever - planted in your heart and engraved in your soul the lesson that they taught you. I've confessed to everyone that being with someone right now is still strange to me. Despite how comfortable I feel around him, how our connection is so natural, how much I love him, and how happy I am with him, it's still a different feeling for my heart to know. Talking about things you love and things you care about with the person that broke your heart is just a way of convincing yourself that you're better off without them. And trust me, you are.

Care about what you love and care for in your life. Don't even worry about what that silly little heartbreaker thinks about your life. It's your life.
Now live it.

and as for me i can sit here and bide my time
i got nothing to lose if i speak my mind...
i got better things to do with my time.
i don't care anymore.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

making up for teenage crime.

my boyfriend's shirt <3

Yesterday I turned in my application for Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU)...unfortunately, I still have about 5 more applications to turn in. This process is not easy, but at the same time, it's exciting. It's going to be a pain waiting for the acceptance letters to come in, but the anticipation will be worth it. Right?
Also, I may have said this already, but last week I sent in the video of the dance I choreographed for the youngARTS program, and I got an email from them today saying that a letter revealing the results should be rolling in around mid-December. I'm really nervous and anxious for that letter to come in. But regardless of what the program says or how much money I get, I am extremely proud of myself for choreographing my first pas de deux and piece for someone else and of the dancers I picked, John + Courtney, for letting me express my artistic vision through them and help me with (hopefully) getting some scholarship money. I'm busily still working on other college applications, but it should all be coming to an end by the end of this year. Then the real fun of 2nd semester begins...

The weather around here has been extremely bipolar for the last couple of weeks. A few days ago, it was really sunny and almost 70 degrees outside. But then the cold, autumn wind blew in some biting temperatures. But I don't mind because this just means I get to sport my favorite kind of fashion - cardigans, boots, scarves, hats, and coats.

Random fact: Next book I'm reading is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.
Not so random fact: it's already November?! This year is flying by too fast...


PS. I love this song toooo much.
Total eargasm.

we don't sleep when the sun goes down.