He's back in town for the holidays, but will be back to his perfect, sunny life by Sunday. Before he arrived back into town, he asked me if I would like to meet up and catch up on lost times. I had no idea what I was getting myself into talking to him again in the first place, and I was legitimately afraid of what was going to happen if I were going to meet up with him. Questions kept running through my mind...Has he changed? Does he miss me? Will he tell me everything I dream of him telling me? Will I be able to look into his eyes and feel nothing? Will we still be the same?
...the list goes on. Despite the uneasy feeling I was getting in the bottom of my gut and the depths of my heart, I agreed to meet up with him.
We met up in a coffee shop (just like old times). His hair looked terrible. And we both ordered tea. I remember the first time we had tea together and did nothing but look into each others' eyes in silence...it was painful sitting across from him because I kept having flashbacks of the times we spent together and the friendship we shared. He looked back at me with a different set of eyes - ones that have seen and experienced more - and spoke with a different pair of lips - ones that were telling new stories of the liquor they have sipped and lips they have kissed. But the pain went away when I told him about the relationship I am in now. He admitted that it was strange to know that my heart belonged to another, and I couldn't help but feel happy about telling him about how much better I am without him.
However, the evening took a turn for the strange and heart-pulling when we started reminiscing about old times. He took me home in the car that I miss, and he showed me music like he always does. We did the usual fist pumping and "holy shit"-ing to the fat beats bumping through his great speakers. We talked about the sexciting (I invented this new word. Get into it) times used to have, and he uttered the words, "We are very passionate lovers."
And my heart was pulled back just a few more steps, and I couldn't help but be confused for a few moments. My heart has wanted him to love me and take me for the longest time, but my head kept telling me that he was bad news. But I quickly remembered the reason I got happy while we were sipping on coffee - I am so much better without him. His true feelings and the truth about our "unfinished business" may be coming out now, but I could truly care less.
I love him in the past.
We're still close as best friends could be. But nothing more.
And I'm okay with that.
we were never meant to be this damn broken
words were never meant to be this half-spoken