Monday, November 15, 2010

my heart's memory.

"the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good." - gabriel garcía marquez; from love in the time of cholera

Today he asked, "What do you think about being in a relationship? Is it weird for you at all?"
And I couldn't help but be honest and say "Kinda."

I went on to further explain how, sadly, my past has changed the way I look at relationships, love, and life. Of course I'm not happy about how it's changed, but I can't control what the universe hands to me. Our hearts has its own memory and keeps feelings and emotions that you should always remember. But those things that are kept in your heart's memory box aren't always good. My memory box got messed up when my heart got broken, and it made the mistake of recognizing almost everything that came my way to be bad in fear of my heart getting hurt again. My heart's memory box built a stronger and more protective case that kept anything out that was a threat. My heart got strong but too hard. And I began to push people away. People that might have even been good for me - all because of one stupid heartbreak. And for the longest time, I told myself that I wasn't good enough for anyone. That I wasn't desirable enough for anyone to spend time with. That I wasn't girlfriend material. That I didn't deserve a happy relationship.

But being hurt and having that constant remembering of how much I was hurt and how hard it was to get back on my feet doesn't have any affect on how I feel about what I've gotten myself in now. The balance of good + bad memories in my heart's memory box is starting to get back to normal, and it's obvious. People are unaware of how the littlest things can put even the smallest mark on your memory box. But just don't forget that it's there. And although my heart became too hard and overprotective, understand that sometimes it's for the best. Because, unfortunately, you never know who is a heartbreaker and who isn't.

The ways in which the heart works is unbelievable. I just wish I could understand it a little more...

i'd like to be someone you could finally learn to love again...
love is surprises.

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