Monday, May 31, 2010

not about you.


"waiting hurts. forgetting hurts. but not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." - paulo coelho

Yeah. I've written 100+ blog posts about one single boy who will never love me back. About the first time I fell in love. About the first time he kissed me and stroked my arm. About how he broke my heart and never spoke to me again. About how I cried myself to sleep for months and thought I couldn't make it. About how he came back into my life. About how I was stupid enough to let him back into my life. About how I'm going to love him forever. About how I don't care that things never worked out. So what's it to you?

I'm going to go back and read all my old blog posts to laugh + cry at how pathetic I was/am and see how far I've come. Maybe you will too. But maybe just to laugh.

But stop analyzing my life. And start analyzing yours.
Stop trying to figure out who this boy is. And start figuring out who really matters in your lfie.
Stop saying that I need to stop complaining + whining about how life is treating me.
Because when you wake up every morning being able to tell yourself: "Everything is going exactly how I planned."
Then you can get back at me.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

the life i love.

Yesterday was the last performance for the company at the annual Festival in the Park celebration that goes on downtown. Festival in the Park is my favorite performance of the entire year because downtown is such a fun venue to perform! So many people come to Festival in the Park for the music, food, fun, and just to enjoy the weather, and when you grab a bite to eat and a chance to chill, in front of the stage is the best place! We performed MoTown once again, and this was the last time John and I performed our pas de deux. We've done it so many times that it felt so strange for it to be the last time! The dance just kept getting better and better over the course of the season, and at the end of this performance, I felt as if it was the best we've ever done it. People told us that it was the sexiest they've ever seen that dance to be. It was truly amazing.


The weather was nice to us and didn't rain which brought a big crowd to hang out underneath the sun and shade of a few trees. But the humidity wasn't so nice to my hair. Mark, the fabulous hairdresser + lover of Pedro, was feeling especially creative yesterday and made me Minnie Mouse. John was happy dance with me seeing that he thought I looked like Queen Amadala from Star Wars. I just felt like a moose. It was truly a challenge taking it out...
before.
after.
The whole show ran smoothly, and we gave the band an opportunity to perform a couple of songs by themself. It's truly amazing to work with a group of talented kids that are my age. It's so refreshing to see other young people passionate about something they're good at and enjoy doing it. The humid weather left everyone glistening with sweat by the end of the show, and by the end, there were a lot more people than there were at the beginning of the show. It was weird to think that this was the end of the season, and next year will be a long list of "lasts" seeing that it's my senior year of high school. But I'll try not to think about that...


The rest of the evening consisted of hanging out with my best ballerina friends, going to the park to take silly pictures, getting kicked out of a concert downtown, girl confession sessions, and not sleeping until 4 o' clock in the morning.


I love this life,
xobria




Thursday, May 27, 2010

a new project.

Today, I wrote this letter.
It read:

Dear you,

You. Whoever you are. You are wonderful, amazing, beautiful, and loved. And don't doubt that for a second!
Even though you might be having a rough day, keep your chin up!
Tomorrow is a new day.
So put a smile on, give yourself a hug, and do a little dance because life is awesome!

Yours truly, me.

PS. Did I mention you are wonderful?



...more or less. I folded up the confidence-boosting note and left it on the tampon dispenser in the girls' bathroom for a curious girl to pick up and read. I hope that she reads it, smiles, thanks the universe for the life that she has, and have a delightful rest of her day. I came back later in the day to find that the note was gone, so someone has indeed picked up the special note and is carrying it in their pocket.

I'm going to write one of these special letters everyday and leave them in different places around the school. Each day a different letter. A different place. A different person.

I just wish I thought of this earlier in the school year considering that there are only about 10 days left of school. Tear :(

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

i want you to hurt me. hurt me real bad.

"to develop patience, you need someone who willfully hurts you. such people give us real opportunities to practice tolerance." - dalai lama

I never thought that I would ever hear myself say, "I'm glad that he hurt me."
I never thought I would ever think to myself, "I'm happier now than I was before the heartbreak."
I never thought I would ever hear my heart beating the same way it did before it was broken ever again.

I've heard someone say something along the lines of: "Everyone you meet will hurt you at one point or another. You need to know who is worth the pain."
But is it wrong for me to say that I think that everyone is worth the pain? For me it is at least. Everyone that has ever made the workings of my mind twist in confusion and my heart crack is a big part of my life. And nothing is going to change that. No matter how much I want to erase the painful feelings and the memory of them, it just can't be done.
Pain hurts. It wouldn't be called "pain" if it wasn't supposed to hurt. And I don't handle pain well. Especially the kind that makes going through the day extremely difficult and looking you in the eyes ultimately unbearable.

But here's the thing: I've become such a better and stronger person because of the pain. And not to mention, I made wonderful memories with these people that I will never ever be able to forget. And even though that happiness back then is a different kind of happiness that I know now, it's still joy. But this joy that I know now is the joy of living, loving, being, and growing.

And just to think it all started with a stab in the back, a slap in the face, or a jab to the heart :/

Monday, May 24, 2010

a different kind of desire.

"i don't want realism. i want magic! yes, yes, magic. i try to give that to people. i do misrepresent things. i don't tell truths. i tell what ought to be truth." - blanche dubois from "a streetcar named desire"

We just recently watched "A Streetcar Named Desire" in my English class. And while I swooned over the young, handsome, riveting, and manly Marlon Brando, I once again found myself in the story of the movie as the broken character of Blanche Dubois. This woman is on the brink of insanity due to heartbreak and crawling through life just to try to get a hold of herself. She is running away from something that isn't after her - life.

It was only a year ago that I was told about this movie. And the only thing I was really looking forward to was to see Marlon Brando take his shirt off. But once I finally got the chance to watch the film in my English class, I paid attention to the characters and the importance of the storyline. And my love of old films left me enchanted by the entire movie, and I made yet another discovery:

You are Stanley.
I am Blanche.

You are that harsh guy. Rough around the edges. But intruiging nonetheless. In other words, you're not my type. But in one way or another, I've found myself enchanted by your persona and physique. Through what we've been through together, I've been able to look past the way you've broken my heart and taken control of my emotions and just see you the way I want to see you. Just like Blanche looks at life. Looking at things the way she wants to see them and living life the way she wants to live it. It's a dangerous way to live considering that there is no such thing as a "reality check" for Ms. Dubois or myself, but this world of dreams, hopes, and wishes seems much more promising than the real world outside of my glassy eyes. And just like Blanche, I'm guilty to depending on the actions + words of a boy to tell me what kind of person I am - pretty, smart, funny, classy, fun. I've always been that way ever since I was a little girl. I'm always looking for the potential love and acception of a boy. Of anyone. I even had my own Mitch, the boy that I'm never good enough for. My life was drastically changed when Mr. Kowalski took one forceful step into my life. I've experienced a roller coaster of emotions because of this one boy. Blanche is a complex character. And apparently so am I.
But of course, the only difference between Blanche and I is that I haven't been cheated on nor have I resorted to prostitution for the attention of men. And I'm not admitted into a mental institute. But I do go where my desires lead me, whether that is to an enchanting boy with bad intentions or a big dream of living a successful life as a professional dancer, I'll be there.

So honestly, the lesson here is: don't be like me. I'm a complete dork that tends to mix up real life + fantasies. Also, keep all those Stanley Kowalski's out of your life. No matter how delicious his muscles are.

xobria

Saturday, May 22, 2010

feelin' special.

"it brings that 'i'm blue song' to life!"

Today was Valley Dance Production's recital, Past to Present, and John + I were invited to guest dance in the show. We were chosen to do our memorable pas de deux from the MoTown show. We've done this dance so many times that it's so natural to us. Like Pedro says - we move like we're one person. And it wasn't our last time performing this dance! We're performing it again next week at Festival in the Park, and then that will be the last time, ha.

And since we've done this dance so many times, I wasn't nervous at all today (well except for the fact that the floor didn't have any marley on it, so it was super slick. And not to mention that the director of the whole show/school is allergic to rosin. Oh well, I still used some to save my ass). I trust in him so much as my partner that I don't worry about anything anymore. And the funny thing is is that even though we've done this dance so many times, there are still things that need to be improved. And that's the way dance always is. There is always room for improvement, cleaning, and growing. You're always striving for perfection + beauty.

Each dancer at this studio received one of these really cool lanyards with the Performers Pass in it, and I felt super special for getting one even though that I was just a guest artist. And while we were waiting around for the dress rehearsal to start yesterday, John and I found some of these light gels cut in thin strips. So we held them up against our eyes, and they seriously add the coolest effect to everything. I could totally live with blue-vision for the rest of my life and love every moment of it.
Today was a very successful show. Smooth + fun. One last time...

Word about my "big surprise" is starting to spread around the company, which means that I might be able to announce my "big surprise" very very very soon. Pedro keeps talking about it, and I can't help but get nervous and excited at the same time. I'm just so anxious to start learning those 7 variations + 2 pas de deux's...just trying to drop some more hints here ;)

xobria

PS. Pedro went gel crazy today on my hair.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

the lie.

"try to remember the moment when all the stupid innocent things you thought about life and love, all the things you though mattered, all the things you thought were true...try to remember when they all turned out to be lies." - kyle gibson; the lie by chad kultgen

I picked up this book when I was looking for some new Milan Kundera books in Barnes & Noble. The cover caught my eye, so I bought it. And I'm glad that I did. It's a vulgar read and a slap in the face. It's crude truth about young people today is both refreshing + harsh at the same time. It's about 3 young adults starting off in college, and their lives intertwine with lies, sex, booze, drugs, love, and friendship. It's disgusting and intriguing at the same time. And because of the content, I wouldn't recommend this book for readers under the age of 18 (although I am of that age...) and anyone over the age of 40 (I feel as if some of the older generation would be absolutely disturbed + outraged by how the people act in this book. Let alone the language and truth of the story).

And just like every book that I've read, I have found myself in the story. It's easy to find yourself caught up in the story, but is it bad that I find bits and pieces of myself in the characters and plotlines of such vulgar books?

You are Heather.
I am Kyle.

I have fallen for you over and over again, and at this point, I look back and see all the opportunities when I could've just walked away and said "no". I could've saved myself some heartbreak, time, and breath if I just saw the end result - lost. This Kyle-fellow in this book is me - the hopeless romantic falling for the hot shot with a bad reputation but still insists on being with that person and forming a toxic relationship with false happiness in hopes that something magical will happen and it will be a happily-ever-after. You, you are Heather - the hot one that has several admirers and could beckon any of them to be with you at any moment yet you chose to mess with my head and convinced me to think that you really cared about me. Seeing us from outside of us makes me realize how lost I became.

And just like in the book, we all realize that everything that we had based on false hopes and beautiful lies. Beautiful, beautiful lies.

But a lie nonetheless.
:(


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

that's all there is to it.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you...

In all the ways that we are strange, silly, weird, crazy, and spontaneous together. I love you.
But even more importantly, I love us.

And that is all.
xobria

Monday, May 17, 2010

hello, hello, baby...

OMG. I talked to Keltie Colleen on the phone yesterday.
I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing at 23423894283 miles a minute. And it pretty much made my life complete.

You should call in next week. It's definitely one of the best decisions you will ever make in your life. No lie.

xobria

PS. I'm obsessed with Marc Johns.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

hot boys ≠ nice boys.

The other day, I tweeted something along the lines of: "Girls, look at the boy in front of you looking into your eyes. Not the one behind you looking at your ass."


I'm very sorry to say that I'm guilty of looking over the nice and friendly boys right in front of me. There are many of them. The one that holds the door open for you everyday when you get the cafeteria for lunch. The one that asks you how you're doing every time you walk into class. Then there is that one that you know has a big crush on you, and you use that to your advantage by making them get up to get a pencil off the teacher's desk. But recently, I've realized that I'm a hypocrite. I complain and cry about boys taking me for granted. But now that I don't really have a boy on my mind anymore, I looked around and saw how many nice boys there are in my life. I've sadly walked passed, laughed off, and looked over a handful of really nice boys.

There is one in particular that I reconnected with recently. He's a very nice and talented boy that I know has always had a crush on me. I talked to him about the hot boy that I had a crush on and asked him questions, and he kindly gave me information about Mr. Hottie. He would bite his tongue to tell me that I shouldn't like Mr. Hottie, and I could tell that it was hard for him to see me fall for the wrong person. Yet he kept his mouth shut because I was happy.
Mr. Hottie is long gone now, and I look at this nice boy. And I realized that I've taken him for granted. And I'm not very proud of that at all. But what I am proud of is that I'm going to fix things and make things right. I'm going to take out all the evil words and toxic thoughts Mr. Hottie has made me become, and I'm going to give this nice boy a chance. I say that it's never to late for anything.

So, the thing is - look at that boy in front of you. He's really sweet, isn't he? And I bet you he's not that bad looking either. Go for the boys that want to hold your hand. Not your boobs. You don't have to end up dating Mr. Nice Guy. Just don't take him for granted.

xobria

PS. check out Keltie's first Blogradio show tonight!!! I'll be calling in, and hopefully she'll answer!!! <3
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/highkicksandhighhopes

Friday, May 14, 2010

guitar players.

Last night was the school talent show!! I had such a blast, and I didn't realize how many people at my school were singers/guitar players!! At the dress rehearsal after school, there were so many guitars and pretty voices floating around the auditorium. It was tons of fun just messing around with notes and melodies with people that enjoy making music too. It's just awesome being around inspiring people with the same kinds of passions.

So the rehearsal right after school ran right into the actual show. There was so much talent in the show last night. I was truly amazed and inspired by all the acts. I made a lot of new friendships and connected with a lot of people that I never found myself getting to know before. It was really cool being able to hang out with such talented people while raising money for such a great cause.
The show was quite a success. I ended up changing my dance to the hip-hop/ballet piece to the Ting Tings' "Shut Up and Let Me Go". And I'm glad that I did! The audience loved it, and I had a great time performing it. It's such a fun dance, and I've been waiting for an opportunity to perform it!

One of the acts almost left me in tears. I have this friend named Patrick. And let me tell you that he is a beast at guitar. And let me tell you this too: I have a weakness for guitar players. Give a cute boy a guitar, and if he can't play it, I turn my head the other way. Give an average boy a guitar, and he plays it with crisp fingers to make a melodious tune, I'll make him my new boyfriend. Furthermore, Patrick played one of my favorite songs: "Ocean" by John Butler Trio. And I fell in love! I was mesmerized by his clean plucking and perfect musicality. It was truly beautiful, and I teared up a little. He has so much talent, and everyone was enchanted. He received a standing ovation. I was the first person to congratulate him on a perfect performance after running backstage and squeezing him to death in my bear hug.

He continued on to win 1st place in the talent show competition. And I'm so glad that he did. He totally deserved it. As well as that standing ovation. I'm so proud of him!
In the end, we ended up raising a total of $1,077 to go to the people of Haiti! All is well with the world!!

xobria

PS. Did I mention guitar players are sexy?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

talent.

I am happy to say that I am finished with all AP exams. I took the AP English Language + Composition exam today, and I was dreading it for the longest time. I said that I would take the AP Calc exam 10 times before I would ever think about taking the English one. That's how freaked out I was about it. But after taking it today, it truly wasn't that bad. I think I did pretty well on multiple-choice as well as the essays. But usually when I think I do well, I end up doing the complete opposite. Hopefully that's not the case...

Tomorrow is the talent show at my school to raise money for Haiti. I have failed to mention before that I might be doing a different dance than I originally planned. I was planning on doing the scholarship audition dance that I did to Paolo Nutini's "Last Request", but I thought that I would do a dance that I haven't performed yet. I've always had this project in the back of my mind to combine hip-hop + ballet into one dance. And although I haven't taken many hip-hop classes to know enough moves, I took the challenge upon myself. And a dance was born to the Ting Tings' song "Shut Up and Let Me Go". It's en pointe, sassy, and quite fun. I think that changing things up will excite the audience and maybe be more appealing? I still haven't decided if I want to switch dances or not. The biggest factor on deciding which dance to do is how the floor is on the stage of the auditorium. If the stage isn't too slick for pointe shoes, then I'll do the Ting Tings. If it's ice, then I'll do "Last Request". But I'm secretly hoping that I can do "Shut Up..." Eeep! I just need stop thinking about it...
Support a good cause and attend the talent show!! Starts at 7!!

Tonight, I got a book from Barnes + Noble called The College Guide for Performing Arts Majors. It's quite a read! I've only skimmed through it a few times, and I've found it to be very helpful! There are college profiles to help you look for the perfect school! I will make this guide my bible for a few weeks before I start applying to colleges. Which will be this summer!! Ah, I feel like I'm getting old...

I've been up since 5:15 this morning. That's too early for Bria.
I need sleep...
xobria

PS. Crystal Castles = my new addiction. Get into them. They're rad.



Monday, May 10, 2010

spontaneity.

"i'm tired of this triviality of life. i want real human emotion. i want to feel the natural spontaneity of life, the beautiful randomness and rawness that is life. i want to see you and i want you to see me and i want to bask in that moment of humility and intimacy and the acknowledgment of your dignity and my humanity, even if it is for a second. that'll be enough." - kate miller
 
One of the words I use to describe myself is spontaneous.
I do things on a whim and out of the blue. I love waking up knowing that I get to do whatever I want for the day. So many of the choices I make in life are on a whim and out of pure spontaneity. And sometimes they have good results. Other times they don't. But that doesn't bother me at all. I will continue to make decisions on the spot and out of the randomness of my mind. Sometimes the bad results will leave me feeling defeated and a little less spontaneous. Sometimes I make a promise to myself that I will stop being so spontaneous and spazzy. But it's who I am! And no matter how much I tell myself to change, it's not going to happen. Through my spontaneous ways, I have made the most beautiful mistakes, wasted the most useless time, kissed the most poisonous lips, held hands with a liar, made the more precious memories with people that I have met for the first time, and found this sense of comfort and contentment with my randomness. And I would love to do it all again. Just to remind myself of who I am. And maybe even to relive some of the best memories with him...
 
The worst that could happen is you'll walk out of the situation saying, "Hell. You gotta learn somehow..."
 
Today I found out that I'm going to be a living statue for a day at the art museum downtown to represent the ballet company. It's a quick way for us to gain some exposure to the public as well as a great fundraiser! I always thought that those living statues I saw in the streets were silly people. But now I get to be one of them for a day! This is going to be a challenge for me because I giggle. A lot. I'm going to have to try so hard to not look at the people looking on. No interaction what-so-ever...
You guys should come and try to make me laugh, haha.
 
xobria

PS. I'm going to Prague next summer to dance. No big deal...

do you really care about me?


"Do you really care about me?"

This question is always running through my mind when I'm around you, when I'm away from you, when I miss you, when I hate you, when I love you, when you drive me crazy, when you calm me down, when you look me in the eye, when you hold my heart in your hands because it's always been yours....

I having to wonder and try to answer this question myself when you're right in front of me practically all the time. I have an infinity + 1 opportunities to ask you this question myself, yet I can't bring myself to bring the words to my lips. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the answer.

So I ask in silence.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

...and back again.

Phew!! Finally some time to sit down and get some updates to you guys!! This past week has been extremely crazy with studying for the Calculus AP exam and getting ready for "Alice in Wonderland". It involved a lot of driving, scraping up of money, and lost hours of sleep. But it isn't over! This upcoming week is going to be quite busy as well!!

First of all, let me describe the events of this past week...
Friday was the final dress rehearsal for "Alice in Wonderland". This was the first time we've ever ran the entire thing with costumes, makeup, lights, etc. And we were all anxious to get these blue unitards on for the Caterpillar dance. I'm probably the only person in the entire class that thinks that these are the sexiest things ever. I've always wanted a unitard, and leave it to me to get a metallic blue hooded unitard as my first one. I don't find it embarrassing at all; I think it's hot. Although I think they're the coolest thing ever, the unitards look so crazy when there are 30 of us on stage. I couldn't help but giggle a little, but my mom says that it looks really cool from offstage.
These pretty pink costumes were for our jazz dance, which was sassy and sultry. Leave it to Mr. Pedro to make the best jazz dances ever. This is probably the best jazz costume we've ever got for recital. I plan on using it again for another dance sometime! They're so pretty!
What made this performance so memorable was it was my brother's first dance performance ever. He was supposed to be in Nutcracker this past year, but the day of the show, he got sick and was throwing up (poor, kid). So he made up for that by taking boy's class and being in the end of the year recital. He was absolutely adorable - he worked so hard to remember all the steps. He is in a class with older boys that have been dancing for a couple years, and both Pedro and he have been pushing him to do more complicated steps. I was so proud of him. This pretty blue costume was for the ballet piece. It's a beautiful piece, and these costumes look gorgeous onstage. I just love the sapphire color!

Overall, I think that the show went swimingly. There weren't any major problems, and it seems like all the kids had a great time! And I will treasure these costumes forever - especially the caterpillar one, ha.

Today was a very special and lovely Mother's Day. My sister and I sang my mom our own rendition of "Anyone Else But You" by the Moldy Peaches. My papa made a delicious breakfast of pancakes. We then spent the rest of the day stuffing our faces at a Chinese buffet and shopping at Walmart. Best Mother's Day ever? I think so...

This week on my agenda I've got:
-English AP exam
-Talent show
-US History research paper
-catching up on sleep and homework
-company rehearsal
-time to breathe?

xobria

Friday, May 07, 2010

down the rabbit hole...

I'm missing you all terribly.
It's been a crazy week in my world. I had my first AP exam ever on Wednesday for Calculus. Being the math nerd that I am, I didn't think that it was too terribly bad. I did struggle with some of it, but hopefully I can bank it enough to get a low 4? The rest of that day was chill with lunch at Panera + ice cream at Katie's

Tonight was the dress rehearsal for our school recital, Alice in Wonderland. Here we are goofing off in the caterpillar costumes. Everyone else hates these things while I'm totally stoked to finally have a unitard.

Now off to dreamland to catch some zzz's...

Monday, May 03, 2010

i'm not sad.

"time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." - john lennon

I'm not sad that you're leaving.

I'm sad that you will forget about me.
I'm sad that I won't see you all the time anymore.
I'm sad that you probably won't talk to me once you're gone.
I'm sad that all our memories are going to be meaningless.
I'm sad that I won't be able to waste time with you.
I'm sad that I'll have to say goodbye to my first love.

But just leave already so I can start living my life.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

prom = bomb.

That's right, folks!! Yesterday was my exciting prom night!! I have been getting ready for/freaking out about/getting stoked for this for the past month or so. It was such a wonderful and magical night. Definitely more fantastic than I could ever imagine. I spent the evening with my best friends and some of the new friends I made this year, and it was truly special. And although the splendid night began with an icky morning taking the SATs, it all transformed once I started getting ready and such.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so here some of the best pictures from last night!
we're such goofballs together, haha.
this is my best friend. he is a total bro.
the coolest group of people you will ever know.

I still ended up being really short compared to my date, Alex. But let me tell you a little bit about Alex: he's kind of perfect - he plays guitar, lacrosse, writes music and movies, skateboards, loves helping people, and is a good dancer. I think I did a good job on picking a prom date this year as well. Score! We had dinner at this beautiful + fancy restaurant downtown called, Alexander's. Sadly, Alex didn't get a discount because he had the same name as the restaurant. Regardless, the food was absolutely exquisite. I ordered some seared scallops with white truffle creme sauce. Alex got some shrimp étoufée just because he liked to say "étoufée". And although he didn't know anyone in the group except me, Alex did a wonderful job of making good conversation. Not to mention, he taught me a few things about proper dinner etiquette because he went to gentleman training when he was younger, and he still retained every bit of it (I told you he was perfect.)

I was so excited to get to prom because I'm on prom committee, so all I was hoping was that everything would come together as we all planned. The country club looked amazing with all the decorations we ordered, and I was more than satisfied with the way everything turned out. And I think everyone enjoyed the decorations as well, which was exactly what we were going for. Alex was a fantastic dancer, but it was an oven on the dancefloor! Every song or two we had to step outside because it was getting to steamy!

After prom was bomb because Alex and I hit the casino tables, and we tried our hands at blackjack + roulette. And let me just say that I was the only person the entire night to place a bet on the exact number the little ball landed on. Made my night. We got sick from the energy drinks and jumping around on the moonbounces. But that was the whole point! By the end of the night, we were all pretty beat, so Alex took me home. I laid awake in my bed for another half an hour or so because the energy drink hadn't worn off yet, but then I passed out.

There was this feeling I had in my gut all night, and I couldn't put my finger as to why I felt like this. But it reminded me of how I felt at prom last year. And for some reason it was stronger and more painful this year, so I made sure I had a lot of fun with Alex to cover up that hurtful feeling. And it worked. Until I got home. I laid awake in my bed wondering why I'm never good enough for the people I strongly care about, smiled at all the pictures on my camera, laughed at the jokes we told tonight, teared up at the fact that this is just the beginning of the end for you and me, and fell asleep with an amazing memory of prom night <3