Sunday, January 23, 2011

doubt.

"your heart has been hurt too many times. you deserve to be loved, bria. you deserve to be loved by me." 

I got the wake-up call that I've been waiting for.
I got the answer I've been searching for.

It came in the form of more pain and hurt, but in the end it will be worth it. So worth it. Remember this secret? I kept this secret from everyone, and I tried my hardest to try and forget about it to. But it kept popping up out of nowhere, and I cracked. I couldn't handle the guilt inside anymore, so I confessed and cried all the tears left I have left in my body. And I learned what my problem is.

I doubt.
I always come off as strong and so sure of what I believe love to be. But deep down, I'm still scared shitless. It only took one person to change me, and from then on I started building walls. I was able to hide my feelings from everyone, and no one had an idea of how broken and hurt I was feeling on the inside. I woke up every morning knowing that I was going to play pretend again all day, and it became a normal thing. I became numb to it, and I got used to it all. I got used to a boy telling me sweet things and not believing a single word of it. I got used to his eyes being on me for one moment and seeing his eyes on another girl a moment after. I got used to not getting attached knowing that he would just walk away. I prepared my heart for the worst and protected it from hurt. My heart got so used to taking everyone's shit and pretending nothing was wrong. I looked at all these boys that hurt me, and I was able to look at them with a calm persona. I was able to converse and flirt as if my heart had never come in contact with their hurtful intentions and words. But on the inside, my heart is a mess and my mind has trained my eyes to not cry.

There was one boy (before Tai) with whom I let my walls come down. And as soon as I let those walls come down and let myself become vulnerable, he walked away. And that's when I got into the habit of "if things are too good to be true, it's not true". I realized that once I realize that things are too perfect and things are going so well and perfect, I get scared. I get scared of things ending, me screwing things up, and me being left hurt and vulnerable again. My heart has become tough and too closed off with too many walls.

I used to believe that I didn't deserve a relationship. That I was just that piece of ass boys would talk to and play games with. And the sad part is that I let it happen because that's all I've ever known, and when I found Tai I knew that there was a different plan for me. And all I had to do was trust him.
He's breaking down those walls and not leaving me. I am more than thankful for his love.

New goal = stop doubting and start taking down these damn walls.

Step back and look at who cares about you. And please don't doubt them.
xobria


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Excuse me, but...I checked this a while ago, and then just now and..still no posts?

bria ballerina said...

Here they come! I've got some explaining to do...