Monday, February 28, 2011

storytime + the royal ballet.

I need to look like this...

Yesterday began my princess duties as I went to the local Barnes + Noble to do a story reading with my Fairy Godmother. We didn't know what to expect, but we were excited to be there and meet the kids. We had a good laugh as we stepped out of a car in pointe shoes and costume to walk up to the store. We got some funny looks, but how could you miss a couple of girls in gorgeous ballet costumes? When we got there, there were a few girls sitting in the children's section ready to listen to the story. It was fun pretending to be a real princess. I imagine that that's what it feels like to be a princess at Disneyland. We read the story, and they all listened and enjoyed the story. We didn't have many listening to the story, but there were enough to let the show go on. We get to do this again next week, and I can't wait to do it again! But hopefully we'll get a bigger turn-out this time around...

Today I took a trip up to Richmond with some fellow company members to go to the Richmond Ballet studios once again. The Royal Ballet was in town, and they were making a stop in Richmond. They offered a master class before their performance with the Richmond Ballet. Of course, Pedro was all over this and made sure that we didn't turn down a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity like this. I was really excited for this after sitting at the computer for hours and hours on school nights watching clips of the Royal Ballet performances on YouTube...but my dreams were shot down when I found out that it was only the Royal Ballet students were performing, not the actual company. But I was still excited to see what they had to bring.
Mr. Jay Jolley, assistant director of the Royal Ballet School, taught our ballet class. He picked on me, which is what every serious dancer could ever hope for. I did wish that he had a British accent and that he didn't say "y'all", but he was an incredible teacher with a lot of important things to say. Something I've learned recently is that teachers hate to tell you the same correction over and over again. Sure, it's something that I should've learned a long time ago, but it wasn't until recently that I've been really hard on myself to clean my technique. When a teacher will tell you a correction, do it. Fix it. Because if they have to tell you again, you're not bettering yourself. It's really the only way you're going to get better.
Mr. Jolley complimented me on my brisés, and I was elated. Brisé is my favorite ballet step, and the fact that he complimented me on mine pretty much completed my life.

The performance after the class was incredible. Once the Royal Ballet students came out to perform, I took back my disappointment about not being able to see the real company because they still kick ass. I should've known that anyone that trains at the Royal Ballet school is a beast...their technique was amazing, and their performance energy and level were incredible. One piece in particular, titled "Fractals", was my favorite. It was a contemporary ballet piece that was fierce. It is the exact kind of thing that I want to do with my dance career. The choreography was excellent, and it inspired me even more to become a contemporary choreographer too.

I've been watching videos of Alina Cojocaru as Cinderella. She is sooooo cute! I love watching her dance the role of Cinderella. I observe how she portrays the innocent and daydreaming personality of Cinderella, and I'm learning a lot. She is so graceful and light on her feet. I wish I could look that good.

Well, farewell good weekend. Back to school tomorrow...

Sunday, February 27, 2011


"we would wake up with our bodies intertwined like vines...growing closer and stronger together."

There's something so special about sleeping with you.
It's having our bodies so close together after they've been apart for so long.
It's hearing your heartbeat and knowing why it's beating the way it is.
It's feeling your breath and wanting it in my lungs.

It's a beautiful thing.
And i can't wait to do it for the next forever.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

it's my fault that it's your fault.

I've said a lot of things that I should not have said. And I did a lot of pretending that I wasn't pretending.  The memory of Heartbreaker has been spilling out of my mouth like word vomit (the Mean Girls terminology is too perfect in this situation). Not because I think about him. Not because I care about him. Not because I miss him. But because I'm too used to the bad taste in my mouth whenever I say his name or talk about him. Spilling out just like word vomit.

And I've said a lot of things that hurt me more than it hurts the ones I love. It's about lying to myself and being too used to be hurt.

I've blocked Heartbreaker on Facebook. And all my friends, as well as I, are saying "Good girl."
For some reason, it took a lot to hit the block-button. But I did it.
And it's my last "fuck you".

Once upon a Heartbreaker time...and I lived happily ever after while he went to go fuck himself.

Monday, February 21, 2011

princess duties.

I know you all are wondering (actually, probably not) how Cinderella things are coming along. And I'm very happy to report that we're almost done with learning the ballet. I've learned nearly all my parts, and the majority of what's left to be taught is for the corps dancers in the ball scene. Pedro's goal is to have the ballet completely taught and finished this weekend. It's a good goal, and there is still a big chunk to learn. But we can do it. Especially with Pedro at the head of things. He works magic every single time.

I've got some exciting things I'll be busy with for the next couple of weeks. I like to call them princess duties. It has become a weekly event when people tell me that they've seen my face on a poster somewhere around this small town. And I'm still not sure how I should react to having my face posted around the town. I still don't think I'll ever get used to makes me wonder what it's like to be printed in a national printed ad (*cough cough* Keltie Colleen...).
I've got a couple of princess duties scheduled for next week. Next Friday I get to ditch be excused from school to dance on the news. I'll get to take a trip to the news station and perform my variation from Act II on a tiny square of floor for everyone that's tuning in. So, tune in! Next Saturday I have been invited to do a book reading with my fairy godmother for children at the local Barnes + Noble. I love talking with little kids so much, and I'm really excited for this event.
Then the weekend after, I get to sit in a cupcake shop to meet little girls and boys that want their picture taken with me and my fairy godmother (I don't go anywhere without my fairy godmother. She's kinda like a bodyguard. Except dainty + glittery.) I'll be surrounded by some of the most delicious cupcakes on this planet while I have to sit and make cheesy smiles and dozens of cameras. That's okay though because I thoroughly enjoy it.

I may call these upcoming events "princess duties", but it's not really just a job for me. I love doing this. I'm still in shock that I'm the lead ballerina of a three act ballet. I didn't think I would be seeing this happening so soon in my dance career, but dreams come true with hard work.

The other day at rehearsal, I was having a discussion with my Prince Charming. (He has recently auditioned for the National Ballet of Canada. He was one of the two selected in an audition of about 38 people to attend the school. He's working on trying to become a part of the company someday) He said to me, "I don't think I'm really all that talented...I have really shitty feet...but I worked for where I am today. I work. And people are going to notice that."
I couldn't agree more with what he had to say. I have a lot of focus and drive to keep becoming better and better. And it's exciting to see yourself make improvments and reach goals. And that's the way I work - I make a goal, I push myself to the limit (sometimes past the limit), I reach it, and then I move on to the next goal. It's the only way I'm ever going to get where I want to be.

You have a duty to yourself to be proud of yourself.
What do you do that makes you proud of yourself?

From one curious, passionate, and living being to another,

Sunday, February 20, 2011

blue valentine.

"i feel like men are more romantic than women."

Last night I went on a movie date (our first) with Tai to go see "Blue Valentine". We've been dying to see this movie after seeing the cute trailer. It was playing at a local movie theatre called the Grandin Theatre. I've only been there once (once upon a Heartbreaker-time), so I was really excited to go back there.

The movie was amazing. It left both Tai and I completely speechless. The ride home was quiet, but when I stopped the car, all we did was hold each other in silence. It was the only thing we felt like doing after watching this movie. And it was the right thing to do.
All I can really say about this movie is: it left my heart broken + full at the same time.

It broke my heart to see love lost. What Dean and Cindy had seemed so genuine and irreplaceable. It seemed like something rare and something that you should really treasure and not take for granted. But after a few years, things changed. And things ended differently. It made me sad and scared. It made me afraid that I might think I'm in love with someone for a moment, but then years later realize that I was wrong. It worried me that I could never be so sure and that maybe someone might change their feelings for me.
But as I sat there watching their love fall apart, I looked over at Tai. He held my hand throughout the entire movie. He rested his head on my shoulder. He kissed my cheek at the most random times. And at one point during the movie, he leaned over and whispered "I love you". The movie showed me when love fails, so it made me want to do the complete opposite. I wanted to have a happy marriage and a happy family. I wanted nothing but the truth and best out of every relationship I get myself into. Tai may or may not be the one, but he's someone that I love very much right now. And after watching this movie, I'm going to make sure I won't take him or any love of mine for granted.

I recommend all lovers to see this movie. If you believe in love or if you're in love go see it. Even if you don't believe in love or was once in love or have never been in love, go see it because you're lovers too. You just haven't realized it yet.

I'm warning you that it's not your average, fairytale, happy-ending chick flick box office hit. But it will touch your heart. And I must say that I'm even more in love with Ryan Gosling after this movie.

"i'm here to stay, there is no one else for me that will fill my heart up like you do."

PS. This movie has an amazing soundtrack. Love this song from the movie sooo much.\

Friday, February 18, 2011

the place.

Once upon a time I thought I was in love with a boy I like to call Heartbreaker. He used to talk to me all night, drive me around for hours, and take me to this place. This was our place. This was the place where we would take the same exact trail, to get to the same exact place, and to sit and talk until the sun would set. We shared secrets and special moments on that blanket he kept in the back of his car for the times we would spend there. We watched this place change and go through all the seasons. And although everything around us would change, we wouldn't. I would go walk into those woods looking at him with hopeful eyes, and I would walk out with a lying, empty, and falsly happy heart.
And once upon a time, I ended this vicious cycle of walking in and walking out of these woods with Heartbreaker. Because I was sick of all the pretending and all the lying. To myself.

Today I visited this place. I went there to take advantage of the beautiful weather we've been having lately. I was expecting to go, walk in, and laugh at the numerous pointless times I've spent there and at the pathetic person that I used to be every time I walked in there with him. But it didn't happen that way. I walked down that same trail, and I didn't like the feeling I was getting. It was different than all the other times I've been there with him. And I realized what was missing - him. But I kept going deeper and deeper into the woods until I reached one of the spots we sat and talked. I sat in the same place. I looked at the same trees. A year ago, I was there with him but my heart was full of empty hopes. Now I was sitting there with a full and happy heart. And it was almost as if the woods themselves didn't want me to be happy. The woods were too used to my fake happiness and my truly unhappy heart.

And I started to cry. I had flashbacks of unwanted memories and feelings, and I felt stupid and used. Being there made me want to regret every single moment I spent with Heartbreaker. Take back every single time I said that I loved him. Take back all the time I rode around in his car. And all those times I spent with him at our place. I spent a mere 15 minutes there, and I had to leave. It made me cry.

I've seen that place change with the seasons, but I never imagined my heart changing seasons. And I'm not bothered or controlled by my past. I just needed a good little cry by myself today.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I'm scared. Of not being careful. Of not being safe.
There are a lot of reasons to be scared right now.
But when you think about it.
The odds are in our favor.

Monday, February 14, 2011


FACT: This is the first time I have not been single for Valentine's Day since the sixth grade.

Happy Valentine's Day, loving followers!
I'm showing my love for all of you because I haven't been posting for a while, so I really owe it to you guys.

I spent the entire weekend with a few people that I love - Tai, John, and Courtney. We had way too much fun because we're all super goofy people, so it was quite the exciting + crazy weekend. Saturday night after a long day of Cinderella rehearsal, we all went to a Filipino Valentine's Day party. It's not our idea of a pumping party, but we made it fun since we were all together. Then they all came home with me to end up watching "Casino Royale" and spend the night. Yesterday, we took a road trip up to Richmond to see the Richmond Ballet perform Giselle!

I've never seen the ballet, but I've been dying to! It's a classic, and I was so excited to see it. I always enjoy going to see the Richmond Ballet perform because I know several people in the company. It's always cool to see beautiful and exquisite dancers that you know and that inspire you perform. Pedro got us the most perfect seats in the house which I was so thankful for because, of course, I was stupid enough to forget my glasses. I was so relieved that I wouldn't have to see little blobs twirling and jumping around on the stage for a couple of hours.

Shira Lanyi danced the role of Giselle, and she was so graceful! She has so much stage presence as well as beautiful technique. The part of the ballet that I was looking forward to the most was the "mad scene" - when Giselle goes mad from finding out the man she loves is engaged to someone else and dies from a weak heart. I was so excited for the infamous scene in which Giselle takes down here ballet bun and lets her hair loose. It truly symbolizes her losing control and grace and her mind......and I was completely disappointed when Shira didn't take down her bun. It was still an intense and emotional scene, but I wanted to see her hair come down! I wanted to see the mess that Giselle becomes. I wanted to see the heartbreak in her tangled hair. And although I didn't get that, I still was completely blown away by the entire performance. I'm hoping that next year I'll be dancing on that stage with the Richmond Ballet.
I hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day! I hope you got to spend it with the ones you love may it be a significant other, your best friends, or your family. Spread the love!


PS. I'm going to leave you all with a love poem. It reminds me of how I never let Tai look at my ugly dancer feet, but when he finally holds me down long enough to look at them, he says they're beautiful.

Your Feet by Pablo Neruda
When I cannot look at your face
I look at your feet.
Your feet of arched bone,
your hard little feet.
I know that they support you,
and that your sweeth weight
rises upon them.
Your waist and your breasts,
the doubled purple
of your nipples,
the sockets of your eyes
that have just flown away,
your wide fruit mouth,
your red tresses,
my little tower.
But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

what i've been up to for the past 3 weeks...

1. Trying to edit the formspring question video that I recorded (because I realized that my home address was completely visible on it, and I don't want any stalkers thank you very much...) Then to later completely lose the video file. So my solution is this: open up my formspring again sometime within the next week or so. I'll answer the questions from the last time it was open as well as this time. And I think I'll leave it open for more than an hour. Maybe two? We'll see!

2. Last weekend I had an audition for Richmond Ballet. It's the only summer program I'm auditioning for this year. This is only because I'm interested in their year-long Trainee program that I can be a part of while I'm attending VCU next year. And the only way I can be a part of it is to go to the summer program. They will then make their decisions about who will be a part of the Trainee program towards the end of the five weeks. I'll be hearing from them sometime this week!

3. Lots and lots and lots of Cinderella rehearsals. We're almost done with the entire ballet, actually! We are done learning Act I, and Act II is coming along nicely. And my rehearsals with my Prince Charming are going so well. Our connection is getting more and more real every time we rehearse together. The fact that he's one of my best friends definitely makes it easier, haha.

4. Staying out of trouble. Lately, I've been being very teenagerly + reckless, and I've been paying the consequences for doing so. But I'm definitely learning my lesson.

5. Counting down the days until graduation! Only 116 days from today!

6. Jamming out to this bad boy.

I've been so preoccupied with the formspring video problem that I've been away from da blog. My most sincere apologies. I'll get back on track, I promise.

Love always,