Friday, February 18, 2011
Once upon a time I thought I was in love with a boy I like to call Heartbreaker. He used to talk to me all night, drive me around for hours, and take me to this place. This was our place. This was the place where we would take the same exact trail, to get to the same exact place, and to sit and talk until the sun would set. We shared secrets and special moments on that blanket he kept in the back of his car for the times we would spend there. We watched this place change and go through all the seasons. And although everything around us would change, we wouldn't. I would go walk into those woods looking at him with hopeful eyes, and I would walk out with a lying, empty, and falsly happy heart.
And once upon a time, I ended this vicious cycle of walking in and walking out of these woods with Heartbreaker. Because I was sick of all the pretending and all the lying. To myself.
Today I visited this place. I went there to take advantage of the beautiful weather we've been having lately. I was expecting to go, walk in, and laugh at the numerous pointless times I've spent there and at the pathetic person that I used to be every time I walked in there with him. But it didn't happen that way. I walked down that same trail, and I didn't like the feeling I was getting. It was different than all the other times I've been there with him. And I realized what was missing - him. But I kept going deeper and deeper into the woods until I reached one of the spots we sat and talked. I sat in the same place. I looked at the same trees. A year ago, I was there with him but my heart was full of empty hopes. Now I was sitting there with a full and happy heart. And it was almost as if the woods themselves didn't want me to be happy. The woods were too used to my fake happiness and my truly unhappy heart.
And I started to cry. I had flashbacks of unwanted memories and feelings, and I felt stupid and used. Being there made me want to regret every single moment I spent with Heartbreaker. Take back every single time I said that I loved him. Take back all the time I rode around in his car. And all those times I spent with him at our place. I spent a mere 15 minutes there, and I had to leave. It made me cry.
I've seen that place change with the seasons, but I never imagined my heart changing seasons. And I'm not bothered or controlled by my past. I just needed a good little cry by myself today.