Monday, October 24, 2011

hey, heartbreak! i remember you...

in times of change in my life, i always turn to my favorite book: the unbearable lightness of being. it never fails me <3

It has certainly been a while since I've felt anything close to heartbreak.
But I certainly haven't forgotten the feeling. Or what happens and how you're going to deal with it.

I believe that a heart can only be broken once. Because you pick up all the pieces you have left and take the time to put them back together as best as you can. And whoever hurts your heart after that is just putting in new cracks or opening old ones. And you feel the stinging of the open cracks and your heart hurts. And it aches.

The good news is: your heart isn't broken.
The bad news is: you remember what it's like to be heartbroken.
More good news is: since you've been through it before, you can get through it again. Maybe even faster and maybe even make your heart even stronger.
More bad news is: you remember what it's like to be heartbroken. And it might take you just as long as the first time...
But it's all up to you as to how long and how you will deal with it. You're strong. And your heart may be cracked and bruised, but you'll get through it again. And you'll come out stronger than before. I promise.

My heart isn't aching anymore.
It was until now.

Today was a good day.
Today I felt good.
Today I felt amazing.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

you've gotta open your eyes to see.

When my last claddagh ring broke, things took a turn for the better.
I found my cure, and I found my true love.
And I'm really hoping that things will start looking up for me one of these days. Actually, I'm just hoping for one thing.

I went through my old journal entries to find that I have learned a lot of things thus far in my life. I have learned a lot of tough lessons the hard way, but still I ignore what I've learned. I cried a lot over my failures and promised to never regret them, yet after crying, I went on to keep making the same mistakes and hurting myself and the ones I love alike.

But I'm finally learning my lessons.
I'm opening my eyes.
I'm seeing me - strong, willing, wise, and young.
Please see me, too.

and when you told me, "tomorrow never comes quite soon enough"
i remember saying, "what about today? yeah, we are here today. tomorrow always seems so far away."

PS. Andy Shauf = my new obsession.

Friday, October 14, 2011

real life.

just a few dance majors at vcu...
class of 2015 <3

Okay, enough with the vague/depressing/heartbreak blog posts. I need to get back to what's going on in my life right now...

Today at RB, we had a dress rehearsal for the performances we have tomorrow for the Richmond Folk Festival. We've been chewing up Paquita and breaking it down as far as possible to get it as perfect as possible for tomorrow. I've been working on this ballet for so long now that I'm ready to werk it! After tomorrow, we'll put Paquita away in our pockets until the spring when we have to perform it again for the end-of-the-year showcase.
And another announcement....WE FINALLY STARTED NUTCRACKER!! It is so weird starting Nutcracker this late. Back home with Pedro we would start working on Nutcracker in August (even sometimes July), so starting it this late is so strange to me! From what we've been learning, I'm a Snowflake and a Flower so far. I can't wait till it gets closer to performance time. I'm really excited to perform with the company for the first time!

Also, this week I met a member of the cast of the Broadway show "Wicked"! On Monday, a short gentleman with a mohawk walked into our ballet class at RB. And we were all wondering who the hell he was, and then one of the girls asked him if he was from "Wicked". And indeed he is! His name is Ryan Jackson, and he's so cool! He took ballet with us a few days this week, and the best part was getting to talk to him about getting a job in this crazy world called Showbiz. He gave us really great advice about finding where you fit into Showbiz, and the ins and outs of auditioning and booking jobs. Him talking about it all made me want to get out there and start auditioning and getting jobs already! It got me really excited for when that time comes for me.
Today, Ryan taught a class at VCU, and I went to it. He taught us a jazz combo with choreography in the style of the show "Wicked". I love getting to get outside of the ballet bun and get into some booty shorts + a sports bra to get all sweaty after dancing a fierce jazz combo. I miss taking jazz every once and a while...

My family is coming up to visit me this weekend and see the performance tomorrow. I can't wait to see them! Midterms are in a couple of weeks, and I'm sooo not ready for them...

To a dancer's life and the college life...

are you still in love with me?

My head is still spinning with millions of questions.
And all I need is one answer.

Maybe then I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and regretting everything.

are you still in love with me like the way you used to be or is it changing?

Thursday, October 13, 2011


For once, I didn't text him back. And it didn't take as much as I thought it would to hold myself back from doing it, but I just didn't. And it feels good. I'm happy. And proud of myself. It's finally the ending to the a friendship in its most toxic form.

At this point, I know that I've healed from heartbreak. But that doesn't mean that I can feel pain in my heart every once and a while. That is called heartache. It's just a little twinge and sting in your heart when you're reminded of your heartbreak. It feels like you're on the brink of falling over the edge - going back down to the dark place that is heartbreak. But you won't. Please don't. You know you don't want to go back there ever again. So you save yourself and get back to reality. But the heartache still sits there in your chest ready to sting you again...

But you'll be okay. Your heart is okay. Everything is okay.
It's just a little heartache...

baby, we'll be fine
all we gotta do is be brave and be kind

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I made a lot of promises to myself.
But they were all for you.

And with or without you, I'm going to keep those promises.

well are you such a dreamer?
put yourself in my shoes
careful what you wish for, love.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

a losing game.

Love is just a game that I will never understand.
It seems that no matter what my mind set is, I will never win.
I thought I knew what I was doing, but I was wrong.
I will never win.

you were what i wanted
i gave what i gave

Monday, October 10, 2011


birthday pumpkin pie.
crafty work done by my suitemates and RA <3

Guys. I'm finally legal.
It seemed like my eighteenth birthday would never get here! I've always been younger than everyone else in my grade, so it was so frustrating seeing everyone get their licenses and buying lottery tickets before me. But now I'm just as old as all of them!

I had a pretty good birthday. I was dancing all day, but I guess that's just how it is when you get older. Your birthday becomes less and less of a big deal. My suitemates were super cute and got me a cake. They even decorated the hall in honor of my big birthday! It definitely made my day. But that was the extent of my adult birthday celebration. And I'm quite content with that.

I may be an adult in age, but I will never grow up.
Always a child at heart.

This is for all the young ones - in body and soul.

in a year's time...

"problems are inevitable. misery is a choice." - ann landers

Call me a fool for thinking this (I don't care), but I thought I would never be sad again. A year ago, I thought I had everything I could ever need in my life to be totally happy. And I truly believe I did.

I hate that you can have it all, and then in a year's time it can all be gone.
I'm going to have a ton of things to wish for on my birthday candles this year...

EDIT: I may have had a long list of things on my birthday wish list this year, but they were all about you...

forgive me, lover, for i have sinned

for i have done you wrong

Monday, October 03, 2011


I've written thousands of posts about how I think too much and how all the thoughts swimming through my head will be the death of me. Today there are thoughts in my head forming a hurricane that may cause some serious damage. So much can happen in less than 24 hours. And by that I mean - I can learn a lot about myself, who I am and what I truly want, in less than 24 hours.

One thought that has been haunting me all day is this - if it weren't meant to be, then we wouldn't keep finding our way back to each other. For it to be "meant to be" doesn't necessarily mean being together/dating. To me, it means that we're meant to be friends for life. No matter what, you will always be there. I really like knowing that.

There are so many thoughts flying around in my head.
One of them is wondering what thoughts are running through your head...

so i'll write you the longest letter describing my feelings 
and all these stupid things.
i'll cross my fingers that your heart melts,
and you look at me and tell me "darling, where have you been?"


Truth: Soulmates exist.
Truth: Your soulmate and your true love aren't necessarily the same thing. In fact, they might even be two different people.
Truth: Different perspectives of a situation can make one that is really simple seem really dramatic. 
Truth: I am not heartbroken anymore.
Truth: There are different kinds of love exist, too.

These are a few truths that I have discovered recently.
He said the words that I have been dying to hear for the past forever. And it reminded me why I always think about everything the way that I do.

Truth: We always seem to pick up right where we left off.