Sunday, January 23, 2011

doubt.

"your heart has been hurt too many times. you deserve to be loved, bria. you deserve to be loved by me." 

I got the wake-up call that I've been waiting for.
I got the answer I've been searching for.

It came in the form of more pain and hurt, but in the end it will be worth it. So worth it. Remember this secret? I kept this secret from everyone, and I tried my hardest to try and forget about it to. But it kept popping up out of nowhere, and I cracked. I couldn't handle the guilt inside anymore, so I confessed and cried all the tears left I have left in my body. And I learned what my problem is.

I doubt.
I always come off as strong and so sure of what I believe love to be. But deep down, I'm still scared shitless. It only took one person to change me, and from then on I started building walls. I was able to hide my feelings from everyone, and no one had an idea of how broken and hurt I was feeling on the inside. I woke up every morning knowing that I was going to play pretend again all day, and it became a normal thing. I became numb to it, and I got used to it all. I got used to a boy telling me sweet things and not believing a single word of it. I got used to his eyes being on me for one moment and seeing his eyes on another girl a moment after. I got used to not getting attached knowing that he would just walk away. I prepared my heart for the worst and protected it from hurt. My heart got so used to taking everyone's shit and pretending nothing was wrong. I looked at all these boys that hurt me, and I was able to look at them with a calm persona. I was able to converse and flirt as if my heart had never come in contact with their hurtful intentions and words. But on the inside, my heart is a mess and my mind has trained my eyes to not cry.

There was one boy (before Tai) with whom I let my walls come down. And as soon as I let those walls come down and let myself become vulnerable, he walked away. And that's when I got into the habit of "if things are too good to be true, it's not true". I realized that once I realize that things are too perfect and things are going so well and perfect, I get scared. I get scared of things ending, me screwing things up, and me being left hurt and vulnerable again. My heart has become tough and too closed off with too many walls.

I used to believe that I didn't deserve a relationship. That I was just that piece of ass boys would talk to and play games with. And the sad part is that I let it happen because that's all I've ever known, and when I found Tai I knew that there was a different plan for me. And all I had to do was trust him.
He's breaking down those walls and not leaving me. I am more than thankful for his love.

New goal = stop doubting and start taking down these damn walls.

Step back and look at who cares about you. And please don't doubt them.
xobria


Thursday, January 20, 2011

i have so much left to say to you. but you're not worth my time, breath, or inner peace.
I have already left the past behind, so stop dragging me back into it just because you're stuck there and can't move on.
And that's the difference between you and me.
You may hate me, but I don't hate you.
I hate my past, and you just happen to be stuck there.

Past by Pablo Neruda
We have to discard the past
and, as one builds
floor by floor, window by window,
and the building rises,
so do we go on throwing down
first, broken tiles,
then pompous doors,
until out of the past
dust rises
as if to crash
against the floor,
smoke rises
as if to catch fire,
and each new day
it gleams
like an empty
plate.
There is nothing, there is always nothing.
It has to be filled with a new, fruitful
space,
then downward
tumbles yesterday
as in a well
falls yesterday's water,
into the cistern
of all still without voice or fire.
It is difficult to teach bones
to disappear,
to teach eyes
to close
but
we do it
unrealizing.
It was alive,
alive, alive, alive
like a scarlet fish
but time
passed over its dark cloth
and the flash of the fish
drowned and disappeared.
Water water water
the past goes on falling
still a tangle
of bones
and of roots;
it has been, it has been, and now
memories mean nothing.
Now the heavy eyelid
covers the light of the eye
and what was once living
now no longer lives;
what we were, we are not.
And with words, although the letters
still have transparency and sound,
they change, and the mouth changes;
the same mouth is now another mouth;
they change, lips, skin, circulation;
another being has occupied our skeleton;
what once was in us now is not.
It has gone, but if the call, we reply;
"I am here," knowing we are not,
that what once was, was and is lost,
is lost in the past, and now will not return.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

mantra.


I've done a lot of crying for the past few days. But I'm going to stop crying now because crying never gets you what you want.

There are prices we must pay when we make a mistake in life, and this is the most difficult price I've ever had to pay thus far in my life. I don't want to go into much detail about it for the sake of putting too much of my personal life on the Internet...But I will say that I've got a lot of growing up to do. Growing up means more than freedom + independence. It means responsibility and the ambition to stand up for what you believe in and going for it with a strong and clear head (not a hard head! A clear and strong one).

Remember my old babysitter, Leticia? She's a second mother to me, and she's helping me through this difficult time right now. She's being tough on me and telling me to take the challenge, but I need it. Today she told me a mantra to keep telling myself through these hard times.

"Thank you for this moment of peace + silence. Please forgive me of my trespasses."

And with this mantra she told me another important thing to keep in mind: "Say that whenever you're in silence and you feel peace. It's a message to the Universe. You know, we don't pollute the world with trash; we pollute it with negative thoughts. If you send the Universe positivity, that's what you will get. If you send the Universe negative thoughts, that's what you will get."

I'm a believer in the Universe, and when she told me this it reminded me in what I believe in and why I love the idea of the Universe so much. The Universe works in amazing and strange ways, but it always has something to say.

And you always have something to say to the Universe.
What is your message to the Universe?
xobria

Sunday, January 16, 2011

cindy-relly.

"you don't believe her when she says you're going to be beautiful. you don't believe that a girl like you could be and feel like a princess."

Today I had a magnificent rehearsal with my Ugly Stepmother and Sisters. I only call them Ugly because that's what they're called in the ballet, but in real life they're very pretty and I love them to death. My stepmother is actually a man, which makes it loads more fun! He's having a little difficulty with the dancing part of it because he's never done it before, but I love his persistence. We're in very good shape now for the 2nd week of rehearsals. In this version of Cinderella, my father is a drunk. There is a section where I dance with him and tell him to stop drinking. I've known the man who plays my father ever since I was 13. I call him Papa Bear, and the connection that we have is so natural. He too has never really danced before although all of his children are successful dancers, but he's a natural. I have such a great cast surrounding me that I often forget that I'm the lead role in this ballet. We're all working together, and it means a lot.

Also, in this version of the ballet, there's a beggar woman that comes into the house to tell me that I will be a beautiful princess someday. And I, dirty house servant Cinderella, don't believe her at all. I look down at my rags and dirty feet, and as much as I wish that were possible, I don't believe it for a second. And before she leaves, I give her a loaf of bread. When I was taught and rehearsed this scene, I realized that I really relate to the character of Cinderella.

I've been through a lot as a person and dancer, and I learn to be thankful for what I have. I take the crap that people give to me to avoid fighting and more conflict. And never in a million years did I ever imagine myself in this position - the ballerina. I've dreamed of being the prima ballerina on that big stage dancing a beautiful grand pas de deux with a dreamy prince. I'm living the dream of any little girl, and I can honestly say that if you work hard and believe+trust in yourself your dreams will come true.

A dream is a wish your heart makes. But you don't have to be asleep for it to be true.
xobria

Saturday, January 15, 2011

i hate this.

"i would skip out on any party to just lie in bed with you. that night meant more to me than any party."

I hate being in trouble because this means no phone and no car.
I'm a normal teenager that makes mistakes, too.


Anyway...last night I had my first rehearsal with my prince charming. As you know, one of my best friends, John, is the Prince, and I love working with him. I've heard from a lot of people that we have great chemistry together when we dance, and at rehearsal tonight I really felt it. We started learning the pas de deux from Act II when I first come to the ball, and then we both fall in love with each other (oh, the simplicity of fairytales...). We learned about half of it, and I love the feeling of this pas. It's not your usual classical ballet pas de deux. Pedro is making it more neoclassical, and I love the freedom of it. I would try and get a video of it, but Pedro is very protective of his choreography which I can understand. It's not easy to choreograph a three act ballet, so hats off to Pedro. But rehearsal with John + Pedro is mighty fun, and we're making great progress. I can't wait to finish it next week!

Today was rehearsal with the whole company. Tai has decided to join in on the ballet and dance as an extra. He's dancing as a gentleman at the ball in the prince's court, and I loved having him the studio. Just having him there in my workplace immediately brightened my long day at the studio. The ballet is coming along piece by piece, and it's so exciting to see it all come together! Tomorrow I have rehearsal with my Ugly Stepmother and Sisters and my drunken father, and I can't wait to work with them!

Here's to another phone-less and car-less day...
xobria


Friday, January 14, 2011

time to talk.


Last night I spilled my guts. I spilled it all to him. He is my boyfriend. He is my secret keeper. He is my best friend.

I wasn't expecting to spend the night, tell him any of the things I said, or cry on his shoulder like a pathetic little girl that I've become. I told him about my dark past and finally admitted that I hated the person that I became all because of one person - Heartbreaker. Heartbreaker changed me for the worse, and I knew it too. However, I didn't admit to the fact that I hate the person that I became because of him, and when I finally realized that I've changed too much in a bad way, I knew that I could start making some changes. I whispered and sobbed things that were kept in the very depths and darknesses of my heart. They were things that I never even told my best girlfriends, and he did the best thing to let me know that he was listening, understanding, and not judging a single thing I said or a teardrop shed.

I became an ugly person last year. I turned into someone that toyed with hearts, played games with lust, and lied to myself all because one person came into my life and changed me. He took advantage of my innocent curiosity and changed my pure thoughts of love, life, and sex, and that's the very reason why I hate Heartbreaker so much.

Also for the fact that he almost ruined electro/house music for me.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i woke up...


I woke up to snow all over the ground and school being cancelled.
I also woke up from a dream of being attacked by huge ass killer bees.

Monday, January 10, 2011

i'm not the bad guy.

"she knows that you're the better person, so she puts you down." 

I'm trying to fix this so that we can all be friends.
Stop making me the bad guy and targeting me for your problems.
It's you. Not me.
Get your story straight and don't screw up my happiness.
Please + thank you.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

a (not so sad) love song.


I haven't written a song in a very long time. It's been since the summer since inspiration has found me, but it found me tonight.

And I wrote a love song. And for once, it's not a sad one.
So thank you.

xobria

PS. I'll try to get it recorded and on my music Myspace soon...

Saturday, January 08, 2011

first cinderella rehearsal!

"i tell you to wait a lot." - my fairygod mother
"it's okay. i'm used to obeying orders and commands." - me

Today marks the very first rehearsal of Cinderella! I can't believe that getting ready for this show is finally here! It's still surreal for me going through rehearsals knowing that I'm "the princess". Is this really my life?!

It was a great day for rehearsals, although I was afraid that it was going to get cancelled with the snow falling heavy this morning. Thankfully, rehearsal wasn't cancelled, so we were able to begin the excitement of learning new choreography! We started off with the ball scene, and I am so impressed. First of all, Pedro's choreography for this is amazing. No wonder he was so anxious to start rehearsing for it! It's challenging, but I see every single person going for it and approaching the challenge without a single fear. The partnering for the ballroom scene is so cool! Pedro has all the couples running patterns that are all so appealing to the eye, and I seriously can't wait to see it when it's all cleaned up, everyone's in their costumes, and we're onstage with all the sets. But that's approximately 3 months away...

It's all so exciting to begin this adventure and journey, and I can't wait to keep you guys updated and tell you all about it! My prince (my best guy friend, John) and I are rehearsing for the ball scene pas de deux this Friday night, and Pedro says that there are going to be some crazy lifts and throwing. And I can't wait.

xobria

Friday, January 07, 2011

this ends here.


I'm done. For real this time.
I promise all of you that. But most importantly, I promise myself that.
I've deleted Heartbreaker's number from my phone, name from my head, memories from my heart, and future in my curiosity. Because this is where it ends.

Because what I have now is so much more important than what I had in the past.

So fuck you.


fuck you. fuck you very, very much.
cause your words don't translate, and it's getting quite late,
so please don't stay in touch.


Oh, how I have missed Plank Fridays.......

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

that dancer guy.


I sure hope you remembered this guy...
This is Mr. Tony d'Alelio. I posted a video of him a while back, and I just want to take this time to say a few words about this lovely fellow.

Aside from being a fierce dancer, he's a believer and lover. I've had a couple of conversations with him about what we think about love, and he's opened my eyes to a lot. He reminded me that there are always going to be fears when it comes to love, but when it comes to love you should always believe. I've had a lot of questions building up on my heart and my head, and he answered a lot of them just by telling me the simplicity of just believing.

Hopefully you've noticed that I am now following his blog. He's an extraordinary writer, and I always love reading the thoughts of another hungry artist. Follow him here!

What do you think about the two of us doing a contemporary duet together?
Yeah, we liked the sound of it too.
xobria

PS. Speaking of delicious dancers. I'm seriously loving this music video. Love the song. Love the dancing. Yummy!

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

tell me why we're talking.

tell me why we're talking when we dance so good
tell me why we're talking when we dance so good
i know you can't stay, but i wish you would
i wish you would

Remember when I told you that I sent off my scholarship video? And I promised you that I would put up the video when I got a letter back from the program? Well, here it is! I'm very sad to say that I didn't get any money from the scholarship program. But I am very happy to say that I'm proud of my work. This is my first choreographed piece on someone other than myself, and it was such a great experience.



I just want to say a few things about this dance and what my vision was...
I always talk about how I wish life was a ballet. The world with no words; where "actions speak louder than words" is a way of life. My favorite ballets always consist of a strong-willed and graceful ballerina being wooed by the bold and dashing man in tights. The one doing double tours and five pirouettes in a row. It is a world where dancing is how you express every emotion and feeling. Where dancing is how you tell someone you love them with a love stronger than any word can say.

I believe that dancing can fix anything. A bad day. A confused mind. A problem at home. A terrible heartbreak. Just going into the studio to do nothing but dance is the best kind of healing to me. Because when I dance my mind is clear, and I drop all my problems and leave them on the dancefloor.

Maybe it's too much of a fantasy to see a boy taking his girl's hand to dance with her because she's mad at him. All she seems to want to do is argue and continue fighting, but he doesn't say a single word. He pulls her in close for a few seconds of dancing, and for those few seconds she's listening to his dance steps and feeling his every move. He asks, "Tell me why we're talking when we dance so good?" And the girl realizes that sometimes words aren't necessary. Sometimes all there is is to dance.

First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.
xobria

Monday, January 03, 2011

this secret will eat me alive.

"more people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them" - harold j. smith

I'm in the middle of a mistake.
A big, fat, ugly mistake. And I know that it's the thing that will eat me alive from the inside out, but nothing is calling me away from it.
I'm hating myself for this feeling, but I can't help it. And I'm not fighting it at all.

I've searched everywhere for the answer as to why I keep making this same mistake. But maybe the one place I haven't looked is within myself. There's something wrong with me. I think this is the "it's not you, it's me" moment in which it actually makes sense.

I could tell someone my secret to get it off my chest. But this once. Just this once. I'm not going to tell a single soul. This battle is between me and this secret. And I refuse to be the one that loses. However, at this very moment, I'm feeling a little weak inside.

I regret nothing.
But I hate myself for this.
I really do.


now my life is one big make it or break it.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

whaddup, 2011.


I ended 2010 talking about weather with The Cure, partying with Heartbreaker, catching up with old friends, stuffing my face with delicious food, clinking glasses with my parents, and smiling with a very happy heart.

I look at that number - 2011 - and I still can't believe it's here. It's the year I've been waiting for. The year every single high school senior this year has been waiting for. And it's finally here.

Hello, 2011. Please be good to me.
xobria