Wednesday, November 30, 2011

what you want.

You got what you wanted.
And somehow I'm okay with that.
Because somehow I got what I wanted too - proof.
I finally got proof that everything is going to be okay. We're going to be okay - whatever that may entail.
I got proof that you're not who I used to know. And as sad as that makes me, I'm starting to think that you're right. I'm starting to think that we're better off alone.

This whole time I couldn't understand why you did what you did, but now I'm seeing that it's what you really want. And what you want is always for the best.
I kept asking you, "What do you want?" and your answer always was always so painful and it killed me. I know you never meant to hurt me, but you did.

You are different.
We are different.
Hard to believe, but easy to see.

Monday, November 28, 2011

You are the one on my mind when I lay my head on my pillow at night.
You are the one on my mind when all I want to do is just sleep but can't because you're there.
You are the one on my mind at the moment right before I drift off into dreams.
You are the first thing to come to mind as I open my eyes in the morning.
Regardless of what I dreamt of that night.

You are the last thing I want to dream of .
But the first thing I want.

but don't you remember? don't you remember?
the reason you loved me before.
baby, please remember me once more.

Friday, November 25, 2011


Today I spent some much needed quality time with my best friends - Sarah and Marie (unfortunately, Courtney couldn't complete our quartet because she had to work). I have missed these girls terribly since I've gone to school, and we needed some time to catch up and just love each other. We went on a hike up to Tinker Cliffs. It's a part of the Appalachian Trail and a good 3-mile hike. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and perfect for a hike.

My best friends and I have been through a lot the past several months. We each have our own kinds of problems, but nonetheless we're fighting our own battles. Today I got to vent and spill all my emotions on my best friends, and they did the same. I know that we all needed it - isn't that what best friends are for? And we all agreed that today we didn't just climb up to the top of a mountain to see a gorgeous view; we climbed an emotional mountain. We gave each other advice and talked about things that only best friends talk about, and it made me beyond thankful that I have these girls in my life.

And once we got to the top, my breath was taken away. There are several reasons why I miss Roanoke, but the mountains and nature are definitely at the top of my list. The pictures don't do it any justice, and standing at the edge of the mountain today, I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself and the life I live; and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

When something takes my breath away, I let it take it and steal it for that moment. I let the wind tangle my hair and make my eyes water. I let the thousands of feet of earth below me hold me up as I let everything go. I let the thousands of miles of ocean before me flow with the beat of my heart. I want to feel small. I want to feel like in the grand scheme of things, my problems and worries are completely insignificant. I want to feel tiny compared to the big rocks next to me. I want to feel like 1 in 6 billion people. I want to feel like I'm billions of light-years away from the stars in see in the sky. I want my breath to be taken away.

That is the feeling that I live for because there's nothing like feeling like your problems don't even matter. 
It's just you and this big beautiful world that you're surrounded by.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

gratitude saves a broken heart.

It's been exactly a month since I've written a blog post.
And within that month I did a lot of crying, changing, growing, dancing, breathing, sleeping, and living. I did it all for myself, and I needed it. I needed time to sort out thins with myself and my heart. I've really been going through a tough time the past month, and I need to take this time to say that I am thankful for it.

Even through all the pain and confusion that I've felt the past month, I'm thankful for every bit of it. I wake up every morning alive, and I think that's a wonderful think to be thankful for in itself.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving today with my family. I ate my weight in food, and it will be fun trying to lose it all in time for Nutcracker. I love being home from school. I'm finding that I'm missing home a lot more than I thought. I really wish that I could stay here for a lot longer...
Every year, I post a list of things that I'm thankful for. And without fail, here it is:

my family. I know that last year, I felt like I was so ready to leave the house and I felt like we were outgrowing each other. But I still love my family, and I miss them a lot more than they will ever know. They give me everything I need and more.

my best friends. Being away from home is making me realize who my real best friends are. They're like my sisters, and they know everything about me. They're always there when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to fart with. I really don't know what I would do without them.

dancing. This is a given, but I am always thankful for the art of dance and what it has brought to my life. My opportunities as a young dancer are opening up faster than I thought they ever would. Dance has seriously gotten me through the toughest times in my life, and I am happy and full of life today because of it. It will never leave me, and you can expect to see me dancing until the day I die.

pumpkin. I am so obsessed with everything pumpkin flavored. As much as I wish that pumpkin was a year-round kind of thing, the fact that it only comes around fall-time makes it worth waiting for every single year.

college. Although that dancers necessarily need to go to college for a successful career, I am glad that I am going to college. It's a great experience, and it is everything that people crack it up to be - fun, stressful, exciting, and fresh. And I'm thankful that I get to have that experience.

nature. Living in the city has made me realize how beautiful Roanoke is, and how much I really do miss the mountains, valleys, and miles of woods. Although I will always be a city girl, I could stay out here forever.

food, clothing, and shelter. I am thankful for this every single day, and you should be too.

puppies + kittens. When it seems like you're all alone, your pets will always be there to cuddle with you and lick up your tears that you only shed when you feel truly alone. They always love you no matter what.

coffee. Have a cup every morning. Great way to start the day.

you. I've had this blog for about 3 years now, and some of you have been reading it from the beginning. As have I, this blog has had its ups and downs. You have read my deepest thoughts, and although that would make some people uncomfortable, to me it's comforting. It's comforting to know that amazing people like you read my thoughts and are somehow touched or inspired, and I'm thankful for every single one of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving, loves.

PS. Found this video, and it is completely relevant.