bria ballerina

nothing but the best for you.

2011-12-01T00:25:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of the last time I went to your house...
The night ended with false innocence. We pretended like we were never lovers. We pretended like we didn't hurt each other.
I got in my car, like it was in the beginning - it's as if we traveled backwards in time, going back to a time when we barely knew each other. And before I started the engine, I sat there and stared at the window. Not through it. Just at it. And I thought to myself that maybe I'll okay.
I start the car, and the words of the song begin to play. This song. Overplayed, I know. But I still love it with a passion. And it couldn't have been more perfect as I pulled up behind you at the stop light, and our turn signals were heading the opposite directions.

We went our separate ways.
Maybe not forever, and hopefully not.

I truly wish nothing but the best for you.

what you want.

2011-11-30T00:28:00.000-05:00

You got what you wanted.
And somehow I'm okay with that.
Because somehow I got what I wanted too - proof.
I finally got proof that everything is going to be okay. We're going to be okay - whatever that may entail.
I got proof that you're not who I used to know. And as sad as that makes me, I'm starting to think that you're right. I'm starting to think that we're better off alone.

This whole time I couldn't understand why you did what you did, but now I'm seeing that it's what you really want. And what you want is always for the best.
I kept asking you, "What do you want?" and your answer always was always so painful and it killed me. I know you never meant to hurt me, but you did.

You are different.
We are different.
Hard to believe, but easy to see.

2011-11-28T01:24:00.028-05:00

You are the one on my mind when I lay my head on my pillow at night.
You are the one on my mind when all I want to do is just sleep but can't because you're there.
You are the one on my mind at the moment right before I drift off into dreams.
You are the first thing to come to mind as I open my eyes in the morning.
Regardless of what I dreamt of that night.

You are the last thing I want to dream of .
But the first thing I want.
xobria

but don't you remember? don't you remember?
the reason you loved me before.
baby, please remember me once more.

breathtaking.

2011-11-25T23:14:00.043-05:00

Today I spent some much needed quality time with my best friends - Sarah and Marie (unfortunately, Courtney couldn't complete our quartet because she had to work). I have missed these girls terribly since I've gone to school, and we needed some time to catch up and just love each other. We went on a hike up to Tinker Cliffs. It's a part of the Appalachian Trail and a good 3-mile hike. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and perfect for a hike.

My best friends and I have been through a lot the past several months. We each have our own kinds of problems, but nonetheless we're fighting our own battles. Today I got to vent and spill all my emotions on my best friends, and they did the same. I know that we all needed it - isn't that what best friends are for? And we all agreed that today we didn't just climb up to the top of a mountain to see a gorgeous view; we climbed an emotional mountain. We gave each other advice and talked about things that only best friends talk about, and it made me beyond thankful that I have these girls in my life.

And once we got to the top, my breath was taken away. There are several reasons why I miss Roanoke, but the mountains and nature are definitely at the top of my list. The pictures don't do it any justice, and standing at the edge of the mountain today, I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself and the life I live; and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

When something takes my breath away, I let it take it and steal it for that moment. I let the wind tangle my hair and make my eyes water. I let the thousands of feet of earth below me hold me up as I let everything go. I let the thousands of miles of ocean before me flow with the beat of my heart. I want to feel small. I want to feel like in the grand scheme of things, my problems and worries are completely insignificant. I want to feel tiny compared to the big rocks next to me. I want to feel like 1 in 6 billion people. I want to feel like I'm billions of light-years away from the stars in see in the sky. I want my breath to be taken away.

That is the feeling that I live for because there's nothing like feeling like your problems don't even matter.
It's just you and this big beautiful world that you're surrounded by.
xobria

gratitude saves a broken heart.

2011-11-24T22:02:00.001-05:00

It's been exactly a month since I've written a blog post.
And within that month I did a lot of crying, changing, growing, dancing, breathing, sleeping, and living. I did it all for myself, and I needed it. I needed time to sort out thins with myself and my heart. I've really been going through a tough time the past month, and I need to take this time to say that I am thankful for it.

Even through all the pain and confusion that I've felt the past month, I'm thankful for every bit of it. I wake up every morning alive, and I think that's a wonderful think to be thankful for in itself.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving today with my family. I ate my weight in food, and it will be fun trying to lose it all in time for Nutcracker. I love being home from school. I'm finding that I'm missing home a lot more than I thought. I really wish that I could stay here for a lot longer...
Every year, I post a list of things that I'm thankful for. And without fail, here it is:

my family. I know that last year, I felt like I was so ready to leave the house and I felt like we were outgrowing each other. But I still love my family, and I miss them a lot more than they will ever know. They give me everything I need and more.

my best friends. Being away from home is making me realize who my real best friends are. They're like my sisters, and they know everything about me. They're always there when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to fart with. I really don't know what I would do without them.

dancing. This is a given, but I am always thankful for the art of dance and what it has brought to my life. My opportunities as a young dancer are opening up faster than I thought they ever would. Dance has seriously gotten me through the toughest times in my life, and I am happy and full of life today because of it. It will never leave me, and you can expect to see me dancing until the day I die.

pumpkin. I am so obsessed with everything pumpkin flavored. As much as I wish that pumpkin was a year-round kind of thing, the fact that it only comes around fall-time makes it worth waiting for every single year.

college. Although that dancers necessarily need to go to college for a successful career, I am glad that I am going to college. It's a great experience, and it is everything that people crack it up to be - fun, stressful, exciting, and fresh. And I'm thankful that I get to have that experience.

nature. Living in the city has made me realize how beautiful Roanoke is, and how much I really do miss the mountains, valleys, and miles of woods. Although I will always be a city girl, I could stay out here forever.

food, clothing, and shelter. I am thankful for this every single day, and you should be too.

puppies + kittens. When it seems like you're all alone, your pets will always be there to cuddle with you and lick up your tears that you only shed when you feel truly alone. They always love you no matter what.

coffee. Have a cup every morning. Great way to start the day.

you. I've had this blog for about 3 years now, and some of you have been reading it from the beginning. As have I, this blog has had its ups and downs. You have read my deepest thoughts, and although that would make some people uncomfortable, to me it's comforting. It's comforting to know that amazing people like you read my thoughts and are somehow touched or inspired, and I'm thankful for every single one of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving, loves.
xobria

PS. Found this video, and it is completely relevant.

hey, heartbreak! i remember you...

2011-10-24T23:01:00.000-04:00

in times o f change in my life, i always turn to my favorite book: the unbearable lightness of being. it never fails me <3

It has certainly been a while since I've felt anything close to heartbreak.
But I certainly haven't forgotten the feeling. Or what happens and how you're going to deal with it.

I believe that a heart can only be broken once. Because you pick up all the pieces you have left and take the time to put them back together as best as you can. And whoever hurts your heart after that is just putting in new cracks or opening old ones. And you feel the stinging of the open cracks and your heart hurts. And it aches.

The good news is: your heart isn't broken.
The bad news is: you remember what it's like to be heartbroken.
More good news is: since you've been through it before, you can get through it again. Maybe even faster and maybe even make your heart even stronger.
More bad news is: you remember what it's like to be heartbroken. And it might take you just as long as the first time...
But it's all up to you as to how long and how you will deal with it. You're strong. And your heart may be cracked and bruised, but you'll get through it again. And you'll come out stronger than before. I promise.

My heart isn't aching anymore.
It was until now.

Today was a good day.
Today I felt good.
Today I felt amazing.
xobria

you've gotta open your eyes to see.

2011-10-18T01:08:00.001-04:00

When my last claddagh ring broke, things took a turn for the better.
I found my cure, and I found my true love.
And I'm really hoping that things will start looking up for me one of these days. Actually, I'm just hoping for one thing.

I went through my old journal entries to find that I have learned a lot of things thus far in my life. I have learned a lot of tough lessons the hard way, but still I ignore what I've learned. I cried a lot over my failures and promised to never regret them, yet after crying, I went on to keep making the same mistakes and hurting myself and the ones I love alike.

But I'm finally learning my lessons.
I'm opening my eyes.
I'm seeing me - strong, willing, wise, and young.
Please see me, too.
xobria

and when you told me, "tomorrow never comes quite soon enough"
i remember saying, "what about today? yeah, we are here today. tomorrow always seems so far away."

PS. Andy Shauf = my new obsession.

real life.

2011-10-14T22:57:00.001-04:00


just a few dance majors at vcu... class of 2015 <3

Okay, enough with the vague/depressing/heartbreak blog posts. I need to get back to what's going on in my life right now...

Today at RB, we had a dress rehearsal for the performances we have tomorrow for the Richmond Folk Festival. We've been chewing up Paquita and breaking it down as far as possible to get it as perfect as possible for tomorrow. I've been working on this ballet for so long now that I'm ready to werk it! After tomorrow, we'll put Paquita away in our pockets until the spring when we have to perform it again for the end-of-the-year showcase.
And another announcement....WE FINALLY STARTED NUTCRACKER!! It is so weird starting Nutcracker this late. Back home with Pedro we would start working on Nutcracker in August (even sometimes July), so starting it this late is so strange to me! From what we've been learning, I'm a Snowflake and a Flower so far. I can't wait till it gets closer to performance time. I'm really excited to perform with the company for the first time!

Also, this week I met a member of the cast of the Broadway show "Wicked"! On Monday, a short gentleman with a mohawk walked into our ballet class at RB. And we were all wondering who the hell he was, and then one of the girls asked him if he was from "Wicked". And indeed he is! His name is Ryan Jackson, and he's so cool! He took ballet with us a few days this week, and the best part was getting to talk to him about getting a job in this crazy world called Showbiz. He gave us really great advice about finding where you fit into Showbiz, and the ins and outs of auditioning and booking jobs. Him talking about it all made me want to get out there and start auditioning and getting jobs already! It got me really excited for when that time comes for me.
Today, Ryan taught a class at VCU, and I went to it. He taught us a jazz combo with choreography in the style of the show "Wicked". I love getting to get outside of the ballet bun and get into some booty shorts + a sports bra to get all sweaty after dancing a fierce jazz combo. I miss taking jazz every once and a while...

My family is coming up to visit me this weekend and see the performance tomorrow. I can't wait to see them! Midterms are in a couple of weeks, and I'm sooo not ready for them...

To a dancer's life and the college life...
xobria

are you still in love with me?

2011-10-14T01:31:00.014-04:00

My head is still spinning with millions of questions.
And all I need is one answer.

Maybe then I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and regretting everything.

are you still in love with me like the way you used to be or is it changing?

heartache.

2011-10-13T23:59:00.020-04:00

For once, I didn't text him back. And it didn't take as much as I thought it would to hold myself back from doing it, but I just didn't. And it feels good. I'm happy. And proud of myself. It's finally the ending to the a friendship in its most toxic form.

At this point, I know that I've healed from heartbreak. But that doesn't mean that I can feel pain in my heart every once and a while. That is called heartache. It's just a little twinge and sting in your heart when you're reminded of your heartbreak. It feels like you're on the brink of falling over the edge - going back down to the dark place that is heartbreak. But you won't. Please don't. You know you don't want to go back there ever again. So you save yourself and get back to reality. But the heartache still sits there in your chest ready to sting you again...

But you'll be okay. Your heart is okay. Everything is okay.
It's just a little heartache...
xobria

baby, we'll be fine
all we gotta do is be brave and be kind

promises.

2011-10-12T23:15:00.000-04:00

I made a lot of promises to myself.
But they were all for you.

And with or without you, I'm going to keep those promises.

well are you such a dreamer?
put yourself in my shoes
careful what you wish for, love.

a losing game.

2011-10-11T22:27:00.001-04:00

Love is just a game that I will never understand.
It seems that no matter what my mind set is, I will never win.
I thought I knew what I was doing, but I was wrong.
I will never win.

you were what i wanted
i gave what i gave

adulthood.

2011-10-10T23:44:00.000-04:00

birthday pumpkin pie.

crafty work done by my suitemates and RA <3

Guys. I'm finally legal.
It seemed like my eighteenth birthday would never get here! I've always been younger than everyone else in my grade, so it was so frustrating seeing everyone get their licenses and buying lottery tickets before me. But now I'm just as old as all of them!

I had a pretty good birthday. I was dancing all day, but I guess that's just how it is when you get older. Your birthday becomes less and less of a big deal. My suitemates were super cute and got me a cake. They even decorated the hall in honor of my big birthday! It definitely made my day. But that was the extent of my adult birthday celebration. And I'm quite content with that.

I may be an adult in age, but I will never grow up.
Always a child at heart.

This is for all the young ones - in body and soul.
xobria

in a year's time...

2011-10-10T02:35:00.008-04:00

"problems are inevitable. misery is a choice." - ann landers

Call me a fool for thinking this (I don't care), but I thought I would never be sad again. A year ago, I thought I had everything I could ever need in my life to be totally happy. And I truly believe I did.

I hate that you can have it all, and then in a year's time it can all be gone.

I'm going to have a ton of things to wish for on my birthday candles this year...

EDIT: I may have had a long list of things on my birthday wish list this year, but they were all about you...

forgive me, lover, for i have sinned
for i have done you wrong

thoughts.

2011-10-03T19:23:00.001-04:00

I've written thousands of posts about how I think too much and how all the thoughts swimming through my head will be the death of me. Today there are thoughts in my head forming a hurricane that may cause some serious damage. So much can happen in less than 24 hours. And by that I mean - I can learn a lot about myself, who I am and what I truly want, in less than 24 hours.

One thought that has been haunting me all day is this - if it weren't meant to be, then we wouldn't keep finding our way back to each other. For it to be "meant to be" doesn't necessarily mean being together/dating. To me, it means that we're meant to be friends for life. No matter what, you will always be there. I really like knowing that.

There are so many thoughts flying around in my head.
One of them is wondering what thoughts are running through your head...

so i'll write you the longest letter describing my feelings

and all these stupid things.

i'll cross my fingers that your heart melts,

and you look at me and tell me "darling, where have you been?"

truths.

2011-10-03T02:25:00.001-04:00

Truth: Soulmates exist.
Truth: Your soulmate and your true love aren't necessarily the same thing. In fact, they might even be two different people.
Truth: Different perspectives of a situation can make one that is really simple seem really dramatic.
Truth: I am not heartbroken anymore.
Truth: There are different kinds of love exist, too.

These are a few truths that I have discovered recently.
He said the words that I have been dying to hear for the past forever. And it reminded me why I always think about everything the way that I do.

Truth: We always seem to pick up right where we left off.

perfection.

2011-09-28T00:19:00.000-04:00

Today I learned a lesson about perfection.
Currently at Richmond Ballet, we are working on the pieces we are performing at the Richmond Folk Festival in a couple of weeks. And of course one of the pieces is Paquita. Yes, the same Paquita I learned back in freshman year of high school. Yes, the same Paquita I have been working on since about May. The difference between this Paquita is that I am a corps member and not the soloist. This is the real dance world now - not just a little baby non-profit pre-professional company. This is where my dance career will start and hopefully grow.

Today we had a three hour rehearsal of Paquita, and although I am getting really sick and tired of it, I have to suck it up and deal with it. Igor (the wonderful Ukrainian teacher that I have been in love with for the past forever...) has been running the rehearsals, and with only 2 weeks until the performance, it's coming down to the wire. We're cleaning and polishing it up like crazy. Igor is really being really meticulous and picky about everything, and we all get somewhat annoyed and tired of doing the same parts and the same things over and over and over and over again for three hours straight. And when we did it about a thousand times for him to notice us getting tired and annoyed, he gave us a mini lecture about the beauty that is in the perfection of classical ballet and corps work.

I've heard people wonder about how I deal with the pressures of perfection of the classical ballet world, but to be honest, the perfection of classical ballet is what I love about it. Dancers in general strive for perfection, but the most extreme form of perfection can be found in classical ballet. The lines, the alignment, the position of the head...everything has the be perfect for it to be truly breathtaking and beautiful. Igor explained the beauty that exists in creating a perfectly straight line of girls on the stage - knowing exactly where you are in the space on the stage and in relation to the other girls next to you. One girl out of line or a shoulder at a different angle makes lessens the magnitude of the effect. The perfection of it is what makes peoples' jaws drop and people sitting at the edge of their seats. It's the truly amazing part of ballet.

And as I contemplate about the truth about perfection in the ballet world, I am icing my thigh and sewing new pointe shoes.
To perfection and beauty,
xobria

knowledge.

2011-09-23T12:52:00.000-04:00

This is the music I am dancing to in Rick McCullough's piece. It is one of the most beautiful tunes I have ever heard. And this ballet piece takes my breath away every single time. I could watch it all day if I could.

Being on my own has reminded me that you must always be aware of you - aware of who you are, where you are, and what you're doing and becoming. This is the most dancing I have ever done on a regular basis, and being able to dance this much is making me love my life even more every day. I'm not going to lie, there are some days that I wake up feeling like I just want to lie in bed all day and relax. But being at the studios for hours on end just makes me happy knowing that I am doing what I love.

As dancers, we have to be fully aware of ourselves. Our location in space, our center of gravity, which line looks best for our body type...I just love being so sure about everything that I am a part of in one place. Life is ambiguous. No one knows for sure what's going to happen tomorrow or in the next 10 minutes, for that matter.

Dancing makes me feel like I know everything.
Yet we still search for more.
That's what makes us artists.

busy bee.

2011-09-21T22:58:00.002-04:00

thank you, starbucks....

my new best friend - twyla.

megamind blueberry muffins.

and colorful flamed candles.

Dear followers,
I am slowly dying of exhaustion, but I wouldn't have it any other way. School is getting more stressful, and things are always busy here at Richmond Ballet. Rehearsals upon rehearsals with homework to deal with when I get home. But like I said, my life is busy and crazy and sometimes a little too complicated, but it keeps me young, excited, and moving through life.

On Monday I started rehearsals at the VCU dance building with the resident artist Rick McCullough (click here for a full bio!). He is here in town for the next two weeks to choreograph and set a piece on a few dancers here at VCU. The rehearsals have been going really well, and his choreography is amazing - so organic and pure. I can't wait until the whole piece is finished. I love that I get to work with dancers both at RB and VCU. I have all these interactions and connections at my fingertips in this city. I knew I would love it here...

The past few days have consisted of me being sick with bronchitis and laryngitis for about 2 weeks straight, going home, and baking crazy blueberry muffins. And this week is going so much faster than I anticipated!
Today I went on a coffee date with a new friend I've made here at school named Breckenridge. She is one of the sweetest girls I have ever met, and not to mention, has one of the cutest styles ever. She has a lot of pieces that I want to steal for my closet...our coffee date was also an interview for her style blog that she runs - breckenridgeclare.com. She did a quick interview of me for her blog, so make sure you go check out her post and follow her blog!!

And on that note....I'm starting up my own personal style fashion blog!! I've been really into fashion for like forever now (as you probably know from my lookbook.nu page) and meeting up with Breck today really got me excited about the fashion scene here in RVA. I will be a part of Richmond's Fashion Bloggers at http://rvafb.wordpress.com. Please follow to help the blog running and getting kicked off! I officially have sold my soul to the devil in making myself even busier - I didn't think it was possible! Once I get my style blog up make sure to follow - http://pointeshoes-stilletos.blogspot.com!

Thanks for always being beautiful, loving, and darling followers.
Love always,
xobria

if you don't want me to care, then i won't. but don't tell me not to love.

2011-09-14T00:14:00.001-04:00

I can quite honestly say that I am totally jealous of everyone who is completely happy with their life right now. I’m stressed out of my mind, and my fears just keep growing everyday.

I knew that I would find out one day that hiding + suppressing my feelings would get me nowhere…

I’m scared.
Of everything and nothing at the same time. The fact that I’m here alone isn’t really helping either. I’ve never been one to depend on another single person to determine how I feel about my life, but somehow when love gets thrown into the mix, it just so happens to be that way.

I’m not happy. Hopefully it will just last for today…

exhibit A that i am 100% a dork...

2011-09-02T22:02:00.001-04:00

I am so sorry that I am so jumpy/jittery/bouncy in this video. I am beyond exhausted from the week, and I feel like I'm ready to pass out! Also, I apologize for the really weird eyebrow action/facial expressions, the mile-a-minute talking, flailing hands, cellphone ring/checking the text messgage mid-video, etc. etc. etc...

Just a few more things that I didn't mention in the video...
We are doing Paquita for the Folk Festival in October, and I'm seriouslyyyy starting to get sick of it...I've been doing Paquita for the past 4 months! A ballerina can only hear that music for so long. Even though I'm complaining about it making me so tired, I love being a Trainee!! I love dancing for hours on end everyday, and I wouldn't spend that time in any other way.

Again, please ask me questions on my Tumblr (serious inquiries only)!

And I will apologize again for my spaziness/dorkiness...
Have a good Labor Day weekend!

Love always,
xobria

home.

2011-08-28T23:43:00.026-04:00

definitely don't see these guys in richmond...

As you may know from my Twitter, I went home for the weekend to escape the wrath of Hurricane Irene (if you didn't know, come follow/play with me on Twitter!). All of Richmond was under tropical storm warning, and my godparents were headed to my house to take refuge there for the weekend. So I hitched a ride with them, and we were all running for the hills (literally...). And it was weird going home after just being away for just a week. It was so short-notice, it was almost surreal. Once we pulled into town and I saw that big glowing star on the top of the mountain (our town's landmark), it felt like I hadn't even left. I got a home cooked meal from mom, and I got to jump in my full-size bed and snuggle under my covers. It was sooo nice.

When I got all settled into my college dorm, I wasn't really worried about getting homesick. I've gone away for dance summer programs, and I've never really had a bad case of homesickness. And I always complain how my house is boring and the town I live in is even more boring, but going home this weekend made me realize how much I actually love home. I'm quite sad at the fact that it took this long to realize that, but better late than never! There is just something so loving about coming back to my house in the mountains and driving around the city all night looking for something to do. Definitely something about it all that I'm going to miss this year in college...

And of course, after the 2nd day home, I was ready to come back to RVA and get back to work. (Also, my mom was kinda getting on my nerves...) But soon enough, the city of Richmond will become my home - my home away from home. And that's definitely cool, too.

xobria

dancers are crazy people.

2011-08-24T23:56:00.024-04:00

Today were placement classes, orientation, and a department meeting for the dance department today at VCU. It was a reallyyyy long day starting at 9am ending around 5pm, but I got to spend the whole day dancing, walking around with, meeting with, and talking with all the other dance majors.

I want to bring up a very important point that I have come to notice over the years...dancers are crazy people. I actually think this applies to all performers. We're loud and obnoxious, but that's just the way we are. We love being exuberant, and I blame that on our high energy levels and ability to open up. Dancers really are some of the most fun people in the world. I might be biased, but if you have some dancer friends you might know what I'm talking about...

Being around all the dancers today made me get really excited about the year. I won't be dancing with most of the VCU dancers for the next couple years (due to my Traineeship with Richmond Ballet), but still being around them in the school will make this transition into college life a lot easier. Classes here at the college start tomorrow, and I only have one! It's a film class, and I'm pretty excited about it. It should be interesting!

xobria

PS. I hope you saw me post this on twitter and tumblr...I am in love with Ryan Gosling. And this video convinces me that we're going to get married in onesies...

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;P&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

PPS. I miss my kitten daughter :(

all growed up.

2011-08-22T01:57:00.024-04:00

dorm room...new home.


first skype date with tai. i miss him <3

It's official! I'm all moved in to college. I got all moved in yesterday, the 20th. It was a crazy day with all the first-years hauling their entire life for the next year in bright yellow carts and dollies. It was hot and humid making the whole move-in process quite miserable, but after everything got up to my room the packing came quick and easy. I was so excited to get up here, get all moved in, and ready to start this college experience, I thought the goodbye to my family would be an easy one because I'm really not that far from home. But that final goodbye to my family was the complete opposite. As I stood there facing my parents, I realized that this is it. I'm on my own. I need to really understand what taking care of myself means because this is where it starts. And I just felt all grown up. I realized that up until this point in my life, I've been quite babied - at home and in school. Things are going to get very adult-like very soon...

My mom said, "I hope Dad and I taught you everything you need to know to take care of yourself." and I gave her a hug. And she started crying. Which made me start crying...and it turned into a bit of a mini cryfest. I really didn't think I would cry at that moment, but I did, which goes to show that you can't always control the future. But hopefully my very close future as a college student here is going to be in my complete control.

I've had fun the past couple of days just getting to meet people and get around the city. No crazy college shenanigans have happened...yet. I'm sure things will start getting off the ground in the next couple of days. And I'll try to be a classy college girl and keep it on the DL ;)

xobria

pour un infidèle.

2011-08-16T23:58:00.027-04:00

It's finally over.
And it all came as a shock to me when the the truth was finally spoken from the words of a liar. I never thought I would see the day that I would hear something that would make my stomach fall to the ground and make my heart stop beating.

The thing about liars is that you get so used to hearing them lie, you can't believe anything they say. Whether it's the little things or the big things, they lie to you and you know it. But you brush it off because when it comes down to it the lies don't really hurt you. All they do is make the liar look like even more of a scumbag...

So when the truth rolls of their tongue, it's shocking. It's show stopping. It's tear jerking. And you don't know what to do. You become tongue-tied and lost for words.

And so it's officially over.
The truth has been spoken, and things are over with the liar and the cheat and the one who broke my heart for what seemed like an eternity.
That shocking moment he told me the truth lasted a few minutes, and after those few minutes I got over it and moved on with my life. And I mean, finally moved on with my life. I don't have to play along with the game that ended up having me lose every single round anymore. I lost you as a friend, but I am not a loser.

I am truly happy without you.
xobria

"et dans tes défaites, tu me promets, qu'un nouveau jour est pour demain."
("and in your losses, you promise, a new day is tomorrow.")

SUMMER 2011.

2011-08-14T23:53:00.051-04:00

No time for apologies. I leave for college in 6 days, and it's time for me to bring this little blog of mine back to life.

So, here's what I've done this ahhhmazing summer of 2011...

I performed my last season performance with SVB...

from cinderella pas de deux: act ii.

might upload the recording of this pas de deux. just maybe...

excerpt from don quixote.

I did some graduating...

dance family <3

tai's family <3

familyyyyyyy <3

I rehearsed for the Prague trip...

shots from an original piece choreographed by Pedro Szalay entitled "Unknown".

I left for Prague, and I danced there...

from paquita pas de deux adagio.

"unknown" brought to life on the stage.

I chilled in Prague...

Our company won some awards in Prague...

SVB dancers and Pedro accepting the "Best Classical Dance" award. SVB was also awarded with the "Best Costumes" award. Also, two SVB dancers received talent awards.

I even discotheque-ed in Prague...

When I kissed Prague a sweet goodbye and got back to the United States, I went to Richmond for remaining three weeks of the five week summer intensive. My three weeks there would determine if I was accepted as a Trainee for the Richmond Ballet. And at the end of the summer intensive, I received the amazing news that I am now a Trainee with the Richmond Ballet along with a few other lucky girls! I am very excited for my first year as a trainee and to be with the Richmond Ballet, and I will be sure to keep you updated on my training, rehearsals, and performances!

This is the only picture taken of me at Richmond this summer, and I'm hammering out some noisy pointe shoes...

After Richmond, I rested and spent some time with my family and friends back home. And then went to the beach with my family for a couple of days before coming back...

rehoboth beach <3

And now I'm back home totally stressed out with college/dorm shopping because I leave in 6 days...this summer has flown by, and I can't believe I'm already getting ready to leave for college. This summer has been one of the most memorable thus far in my life, and I just wish it could've been a little longer to make this amazing feeling that I have last.

College/dorm shopping is not as fun as I thought it was going to be, but thankfully I'm all done with it. Now comes the dreadful part of packing it all up for move-in day. I hate packing, so this is going to be torture for me...

I will say one BIG "sorry" for being away for so long. The past few months have just come and gone. Seriously. If you were me, you would understand. There just wasn't enough time (or energy in my body) to sit down for 20 mins to write a little something on here. I'm excited to bring this baby back to life for the school year/company season.

I'm glad to be back!

Love always,

xobria

i love you.

2011-05-16T23:57:00.038-04:00

I have written hundreds and countless number of blogs about people taking me for granted. About the boys that would say sweet things just to have me kiss them the right way. About the boys that I gave a lot of my time and myself to just to have them walk away...I would cry and feel sad for myself for giving myself only to people that would take me for granted. I would get sick of it, but that's all I've ever known. And I was always good at making people feel good about themselves.

Never in a million years would I have thought that I would take someone else's love for granted. But I have. We all do. How many times do you think about how much your mom loves you? Or your dad? Or your grandma? Or your best friend? Or your lover? I think we tend to forget that we are loved by so many people, and that should be enough to get us through a bad day or a twist in our lives. You are loved. By so many people, so don't take them for granted. Please tell them that you love them, too. Studies show that fewer divorces and children are happier when someone tells them that they love them everyday. Say "I love you" everyday. It makes a difference.

Today I had my face covered in tears and snot crying my face off because I made the mistake of taking love for granted. The tears were from a combination of happiness, frustration, guilt, etc etc, and I know how that I'm never going to take love for granted ever again. I don't ever want to feel like I did today ever again...

I love you.
xobria

updatez.

2011-05-11T21:51:00.023-04:00

Now that we're pretty much doing in school right now because AP exams are over, I'm finding that I have a lot more time for crafting and reading - AKA things that I didn't have time to do at all this year. I made these earrings yesterday! Handpainted and everything! What do you think?

Tomorrow is the first rehearsal at the theatre for our recital this weekend. It's crazy to think that I'll be dancing my last dance school recital this weekend...ohh, and I just realized that I have failed to mention a predicament we've ran into. John - one of my best friends, an amazing partner, and my prince charming - hurt himself over spring break, and he is now MIA from the dance studio. Pedro is saving him for the dance festival this summer in Prague, so that means a lot of rest and no time at the studio. But now that John can't be my Prince Charming in "Snow White" this weekend, Pedro is replacing him. Although Pedro is a retired dancer, he is still fierce as ever, and I am so excited to dance with him. So now my Prince is a 40 year old man. Naturally I would be creeped out, but it's Pedro <3

Also, I don't know if you've noticed but I've fell to the addiction that is Tumblr. So if you have one, go on and follow me! And I've put up the "Ask me anything" option. But if this turns into something like what happened on my Formspring, I will take it away again. So pleaasseee ask me questions! I miss answering your questions!

Acht.
xobria

a wise retweet.

2011-05-09T23:37:00.036-04:00

"if you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy." - proverb

A few days ago, Keltie tweeted: "why are we the worst to the people we love the most?"

And it had me thinking + feeling guilty. I've made so many mistakes. Too many mistakes for things to keep going on like everything is alright. My guilt is eating me alive every single day. And I know that I'm hurting the person that I don't want to hurt at all. My hopes of hiding things to not cause any hurt is doing the exact opposite. And in the end, making the mistake isn't worth the lying I'm doing and the pain I'm causing.

And I realize that now. It's not worth it. Seeing the person that I love the most being hurt by my stupid mistake is the worst feeling in the world because I know that I'm completely responsible and that I'm the only one that can change and fix things. It wasn't worth the energy I put in to hide everything. And it's not worth the tears I'm crying now...

A girl replied to Keltie's tweet, and Keltie retweeted: "because we know they love us regardless. and we take it for granted."

I'm completely guilty of taking this love for granted. This entire time, as much as I believed that I was ready for it, I wasn't ready for love yet. I was still scared. I was fully capable of loving someone and showing them how much my heart is attached to them, but when it comes to letting them love me, I'm clueless. I don't know how to let someone love me because of my fear. It's been over a year, and outside of the love world that's a long time. But inside the world of love, it's still too soon to let your heart be ready for something again.

But I'm going to change that.

Let them love you.

xobria

mother's day and cirque du soleil.

2011-05-08T22:56:00.030-04:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Now that I'm a kitten mommy, I did get a couple "Happy Mother's Day" greetings, ha! So to all those puppy mommies, kitten mommies, ferret mommies, hamster mommies, or human mommies - you're the best, and you do great things every single day!

Today I went to see Cirque du Soleil's "Alegria", and it was soooo amazing! I've always wanted to see Cirque du Soleil but have never had the opportunity until now! We got really good seats on the floor right in front of the stage, so we got to experience it the best! I was so amazed by the acrobats and contortionists that performed. Somehow I felt a certain connection with them. Although we're from different realms of the entertainment business, we're still the same by the fact that we have to practice our skill and perfect it. And we make our living out of it because of the sole reason that we love it more than anything in the world. If you ever have the opportunity to see any Cirque du Soleil show, go see it! They're truly amazing! The music is super rad too. (A couple years ago, I did a dance to Cirque du Soleil music, and the show today remind me of it and made me miss it...)

And for those that didn't know, I hate clowns. They're one of my biggest fears. But at the show today, the clowns didn't do many things that bothered me....except when a couple of them came down into the audience to look for a volunteer to come up on the stage. One came really close to me, and I almost peed my pants/was ready to start crying...

Here's to another week and just 2 more AP exams!
xobria

a happy (kitten) family.

2011-05-02T21:59:00.047-04:00

happy kitten family.

say "hello" to sylvie romanova! (named after my favorite ballerina - sylvie guillem)

kitten mommy.

she loves daddy, too.

Once upon a time, I wanted a cat. However, my mother doesn't like cats. So I went years and years dreaming of owning a cute cat of my own. One day last month, my best friend and the best partner ever, John, told me that one of his cats is pregnant, so I immediately called dibs on one kitten of the litter. Tai recently lost is cat to an evil mo-ped zooming through the city, so he was in need of a cat, too. And that was when we decided to be kitten parents.

Tai definitely wanted a girl kitten, and I would've been happy with either male or female as long as I could say that kitty is mine. We debated names for a couple days, and I randomly thought of my favorite ballerina - Sylvie Guillem - and suggested the name Sylvie to Tai. He loved it immediately and continued to suggest a 2nd name of Romanova. It had a nice ring to it, so I couldn't object. We had a name, so all that we had left to wait for was the kitten.

A couple weeks later, John informed us that his cat had given birth to three kittens. They were still too small to determine their sex, so it was more waiting. Soon enough, John told us that there were two girls. He sent me pictures, and I saw her - the kitten that I wanted. She was the small one always jumping around in the pictures. I knew that she was the one for us.

Tai and I did more waiting for the time that Sylvie could leave her mother, and today was the day that she would officially become our kitten daughter. When I first saw her, I couldn't speak. She is the cutest kitten I have ever seen in the world. Words can't even describe how cute she is. Sylvie weighs only 10 ounces and can fit in the palm of your hand. She hates to be alone and loves to snuggle up with anyone. When she's full of energy she loves to run around and play with you.

Tai and I are very proud kitten parents.
xobria

i'll take every single challenge that's thrown at me.

2011-04-30T23:54:00.010-04:00

This is my year.

I've been given so many amazing opportunities and surprising challenges, and I just got another one today. I'm going to try and contain my excitement about these news as best as I can, so you'll just have to wait and stick around to find out what the news exactly is!

This video is a tiny hint. The last time I did this ballet was freshman year.

And we're doing it again in Prague.

Bring it on...

xobria

a hike.

2011-04-29T23:25:00.033-04:00

I went on a hike today.
A real hike.
An 4-mile hike up a mountain to get to the most beautiful outlook I've ever seen. It took my breath away.

I used to go on "hikes" with Heartbreaker. They weren't real hikes though. We'd pick the same trail, and always get distracted at the same spot and walk off the trail to our spot. The spot where he'd hold me and I'd lie my head on his chest. The spot where he told me secrets and actually said sweet things to my face. The spot where I was completely naked with him - emotionally and physically. The spot where I looked at his face in the sun and thought I was in love with him. The spot where I was completely stupid to fall for a heartbreaker like him...I should've seen from the hike that everything was fake. The hike was a fake because we never even made it to the end of the trail. And he was fake in every single way possible. And we were fake.

Today I went on my first real hike with Tai. It was so nice to go on a real hike where I would see the end of the trail. The hike was real, and the love I share with Tai is real. We made it to the top. And at the top was a new spot. It was a spot where I felt like I was at the edge of the world. A spot where I was fully clothed but still emotionally raw and naked. A spot where I looked at the boy that I am crazy in love with. A spot where I was completely sure about everything in my life...the fact that he went all the way to the top of the trail with me meant a lot more to me than anyone could ever know. And the fact that we're true to each other makes my heart feel more whole than it ever has before.

xobria

now that it's spring break...

2011-04-27T12:26:00.011-04:00

Now that it's spring break, I have someeee time to write/post something...

There aren't enough "I'm sorry's" in the world to apologize for my absence. Time is flying by sooooo fast right now that I can't even keep up anymore. This week is my spring break, and it's flying by too. When I get back to school, it'll be May already. Graduation is right around the corner, and that's all I'm thinking about right now...

To make up for being away for sooooo long, I'm going to put up all the pics of everything that has happened since I last posted. As well as a video of the dance I performed at my school talent show that won me first place!

Here ya go!

photo by: dan mcdilda

my prince and one of my best friends - john.

most loving, generous, helpful person/director ever - pedro.

curtain call.

seniors 2011 (and john)

this little girl invited cinderella to her birthday party...

john and i with my ugly stepmother (whom i actually really really love).

senior prom!

paparazzi pic.

Just a little note about this dance/video...I strained my ankle during rehearsal just hours before the show, but I still wanted to dance. So I wrapped it up, sucked it up, and the show went on! Honestly, it probably wasn't the best idea in the world to dance on it, but oh well. I won first place at the talent show, strained ankle and all!

I know that I keep saying that I'm going to keep up with this more, and I keep failing. But I reallyyyy need to keep up with it.

As you can see, we had a successful show of Cinderella, which we all had to say a bittersweet goodbye to. I miss it so much...
And I've had my senior prom! I was especially excited for prom this year because I got the perfect dress and the perfect date! And I can say that this prom was very fun and the perfect senior prom.

I'll keep updating as much as time allows!
43 days till graduation!
xobria

PS. My dream of getting 100 followers on this blog finally came trueeee!! I've had this blog for more than 2 years now, and I've finally reached 100 followers. Thank you all that have been following from the beginning and welcome to those who just started following! Keep reading and keep following. Much love xoxoxo

one year ago today...

2011-03-31T23:59:00.000-04:00

One year ago today, I lost myself.
At the time, I thought I was happy with everything in my life. I thought I had everything I could ever want and didn't dare ask for anything more. And I thought that my heart was truly healed and mended and didn't need anymore attention. I thought that my heart was never going to let love in ever again and find someone else.

But looking at how things changed over the year, I was so stupid. How many times can I say that? But I don't care. I am completely glad to continually declare how stupid I was one year ago. I gave every bit of myself to him to get nothing but shit from him. Of course that is ridiculously stupid. Who else wouldn't feel stupid?

One year ago today, I went home from that walk in the woods with dirty hands covered in dirt, bugs, and worst of all - lies.

But I don't look back anymore at the innocence I lost that day.
I only look at the wisdom I've gained to this day.
xobria

my yummy toes...

2011-03-31T23:58:00.029-04:00

First dress rehearsal = Bria is starting to go Black Swan crazy (not really. I haven't even seen Black Swan yet...)
But the first dress rehearsal went really well tonight. I was more stressed out than I should be because we didn't rehearse the 15-minute intermissions of course. And I realized tonight that the most annoying thing about being Cinderella is all the changes that I have to do. I have 3 different costumes, 3 different pairs of shoes, 2 headpieces, 2 different pairs of tights...how stressful! Anyway, I love seeing all the costumes and the show coming together. It's a different kind of excitement than Nutcracker brings.

My feet are really starting to hate me. I was so rushed today about getting into my different costumes that I forgot to put my toepads on (what I would consider Black Swan crazy...). And that resulted in 3 new blisters and blood stains in my pointe shoes. I'm so confused as to how I could forget to put my toepads on, but I was wondering why my toes hurt so badly all of act I...

Can't say "thank you" enough for epsom salt foot baths + ibuprofen...
-Got 4 hours of sleep, nbd.
-Piggywiss.
-My ugly stepsisters are women in drag.
-Our April Fool's prank is going to be priceless.
-My best friends are more black and ghetto than I am.
-My boyfriend is too.
-I sewed a pair of my sparkly pointe shoes during English today, nbd.
-I love talking to my school nurse about my gross dancer feet.
-I got called a chicklet today. I kinda liked it.

day 2/hump day.

2011-03-30T23:57:00.037-04:00

Tech day number two. And it has been a rough day...

It was literally just a few days ago that I realized that I'm going to need a lot of stamina for this show. Those 5 variations kick my ass, and a person that sweats as much as I do needs time to cool down. And of course I don't. Tonight I got really frustrated with myself. I wasn't feeling very strong, and my toes were KILLING me. And even though my toes were killing me, I had to keep going and pretending that there was nothing wrong. The show must go on - that's show biz.

After rehearsal, Pedro requested to take a look at my toe because with the show in just 3 days he didn't want anything bothering me. And it so happens that my toenail is infected. (Don't keep reading if you're easily grossed out by ingrown toenails/nasty dancer feet...) A few weeks ago, the toenail on my big toe on my right foot cracked, so I cut that part off. And it started growing back ingrown. I kept cutting it out, and it kept coming back. So tonight Pedro performed a mini-surgery in his dressing room on my toe. He got the clippers and hydrogen peroxide. Rebecca (our ballet mistress) held my hand, and Tai sat there and watched the surgery (You know how happy I am that he's not grossed out by my feet? SO. HAPPY. Let's me know that he really loves me, ha). It was quite painful, but the pressure is released. I'm so glad Pedro did the operation for free because a podiatrist would've charged me hundreds of dollars...

Tonight was a rough night for me. But thank God for jacuzzi foot baths with epsom salt...

-Skippy became a Spanish prostitute tonight.

-If you don't know what hump day is, you should. It's my favorite day of the week.

-Pesto sandwiches made by Tai are the best dinners ever.

-I'm not going to get to bed till probably about 4 in the morning. That's how theatre week should be treated.

-Why do the creepy shows about aliens + scary shows about the end of the world always play at night?

-I hate being the only one awake in my house at night...

-Stop reminding me that this is my last theatre week/show with the company...

first day of the last theatre week...

2011-03-29T23:57:00.072-04:00

I have to apologize for being SUPER-DUPER M.I.A. lately...I've been drained with final Cinderella rehearsals and the end of the 3rd quarter at school (yes, that means only one quarter/9 weeks left of high school!!!!). But the past two weekends I've been sweating buckets at the full run-throughs of Cinderella. These rehearsals really made me realize how demanding of a role this is for me...or anyone. From the beginning, I knew that it was going to be a challenge, and it would call for a lot of hardwork and stamina. But at the first run through rehearsal - a full day from 10am to 6pm - I was pooped and my feet were barking by 3 o' clock. Of course, I got angry at myself for not being able to hold up for the part. After that first run-through rehearsal, I got worried. I was afraid that now that everything is coming together, I was getting ready to fall apart. My feet were hurting, my breath was uneven, my calves were cramping, my hips were tight, and I continued to sweat buckets and buckets...but I kept my cool and tried not to let my frustration/pain/worry/anxiety show. This is my moment, and I wasn't going to let it slip out of my fingers at the last few minutes.

This past weekend, we had two more full run-through rehearsals on Saturday and Sunday - 9am to 6pm on Saturday and 1pm to 6pm on Sunday (I live at the studio, no big deal). Before getting to the studio, I got nervous again...I didn't want to be beat down just a few hours into rehearsal again. But to my surprise and delight, I lasted the entire rehearsal. Sure, I was shaking from low blood sugar 3 hours into rehearsal, but I was getting through. My feet didn't hurt as bad, and I went all 9 hours on Saturday and all 5 hours on Sunday en pointe. My feet definitely felt the pain yesterday, but it was nothing a nice hot bath full of Epsom salt couldn't fix.

Tonight was the first night at the theatre. I always talk about the magic that I feel whenever I go to the theatre, and when I arrived there today it was completely different. The space seemed bigger and more welcoming than ever before. And I realized that this will be my last theatre week with the company. I had a weird feeling in my stomach thinking about this, but I was still excited and ready to be at the theatre.

The first night at the theatre is always a long night. And even more so for this show because there are tons of scene changes and props that the stage crew needs to take care of need to figure out in the new space. And we just have to patient enough to keep moving along as best as possible.

Overall, it was an excellent rehearsal. The sets are soooo beautiful. If I didn't say this before, we bought all the sets and costumes for this show from Ballet Florida, which apparently went down a couple years ago. But we're so lucky to have so many amazing props and sets for this show because they really help the magic come to life!

I am more than happy to be at the theatre this week; regardless if it's my last one with the company or not. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by the people that I love for hours and hours at a time, I'm dancing on this enormous stage as the lead ballerina of a three act ballet, and I'm just living a dream life.

More tech work tomorrow, then dress rehearsal on Thursday and Friday!

I'm starting to fall asleep with my feet in this foot jacuzzi...

xobria

First last-theatre-week-with-this-company list...

-Mrs. Munson (backstage manager): "Bria, did you think the hardest part of this role would be the costume changes?"

Me: "No. But I know now!"

-I have the best quick change crew...a quick change in 45 seconds? Hell yeah, they can do it.

-There should be an award for Cutest Couple on Twitter...and Tai + I would win it.

-The Prince's palace is in Atlantis.

-Homemade meals from Tai = best dinner.

-We girls act like a bunch of boys planning April Fool's Day pranks.

-Sour gummy worms are quite the nutritious dinner.

-Just because it's theatre week doesn't mean that I should put things such as schoolwork/scholarship applications/college registration aside...but that's just the way it ends up.

-Snow monkeys are the cutest things ever.

it only gets worse/better from here...

2011-03-18T22:40:00.002-04:00

Theatre week is in two weeks, and I can't help but freak out. And I'm finding out that I'm on a couple of billboards in the city, more posters are being picked up and posted, that there's a whole spread about Cinderella in the city magazine, people are walking around with my face on their shirts, and I'm being interviewed for the city's biggest newspaper. When we began Cinderella, it began with the posters, and I knew it would get worse as it got closer to the performance...or for the better, depending on how you look at it. Here's an article about the Bubblecake event. Enjoy!

click here for article!

Tomorrow is the first run through rehearsal, and I'm getting nervous and anxious. It'll be the first time that I'll be running the entire ballet, and I'm just scared that I'll run out of energy and end up looking sloppy...I guess we'll find out. I'm also going to rehearse my crazy 1 minute quick change, so I can't wait to have the best quick change crew on me once again!

Bedtime...
xobria

a new day.

2011-03-17T22:18:00.019-04:00

Tonight I volunteered again to be an usher for the end-of-the-year Minds in Motion performance. Minds in Motion is a program created by the Richmond Ballet to bring the joy and movement of dance to the children. Elementary schools and some middle schools have brought in the program for some of their classes, and it has been an amazing success. Over 100 children were dancing on that stage tonight, and it is one of the most moving and inspirational dance performances I've ever seen.

I've seen companies such as ABT and Richmond Ballet perform, and they were, of course, exquisite. But the kids of the Minds in Motion program just light up the stage in a completely different way. They're taught simple steps, and they work so hard. It shows when they're onstage. All the kids I saw performing on that stage tonight were werking it. And I mean werk. I watched them all get into charcter and have such amazing stage presence.
As we know, Pedro is the artistic director of the pre-professional company that I'm in. But he is also one of the people that help with the Minds in Motion program. Every week, he visits these schools and teaches them dances, then later comes back to the studio teach us. He's a man with extreme energy and a big heart. He's so great with kids, and they all love him too. I'm still perplexed by how Pedro finds the time to do all these amazing things, but my only conclusion is that he's superhuman.

I'm alway excited to help with this performance because it always reminds me that that's what it's always about - the smiles on their faces that bring smiles to our faces. It's all about dancing. It's not about the dance job that pays the most or the one that gets the most publicity. It's about getting out there and dancing because you love it. Simple as that.

xobria

relapse.

2011-03-13T01:54:00.031-05:00

Word on the street is that Heartbreaker has been in town all week for Spring Break, and he hasn't even said a word to me. This is progress seeing that I haven't talked to him in months.

But at the moment that I heard his name, I felt uneasy. Something in my gut was upset at the thought of him being in town, and I didn't know why. I didn't know what to do. I've moved on. I'm doing well without him. I'm doing well without knowing what he's doing and without caring what he's doing. And still, something about him being home for the break was bothering me. And I realized that I was relapsing.

Thoughts were running through my mind of where he's been and how long he's been here and who he's been with since he came home...but the biggest question haunting me was: Why didn't he contact me? All the past times he's been home for break, he's been the one to initiate a catch-up session in which we would talk about our lives (or actually him talk about his "awesome" life and me just sitting there listening pretending to care). And at the same time I was asking myself these questions, I got mad at myself because it's almost like I cared.

And I realized that it's all because he still hasn't given me what I've wanted for the past 3 years: his love. I've tried so hard for the past forever for him to get him to just tell him he cares. For him to admit to the fact that I'm something special, and he can't help but have those feelings for me. And even though I don't care about him at all, deep down I'm still waiting for those words of affection. The words of affection that I will never hear leave his lips. Period.
I'm coming to realize that I should stop waiting around for him to come around because he won't. He's just going to move on and trying to break the next girl's heart. And I'm only hoping that she will save herself before it's too late....

My situation with Heartbreaker has been told too many times, been twisted up around and around in my head and my heart too many times, and it's made me cry and made me have this feeling of regret too many times. So I'm done talking about it. I'm done crying about it.
When I look at him I'm disgusted, and I hate him. And that's the way it should stay.
He hasn't contacted me in months, and that's the way it should stay.
And let's hope I don't relapse again...

cupcakes + ballerinas + sunshine

2011-03-12T23:24:00.036-05:00

My last princess duty event was today! Today was the Bubblecake fundraiser to help send us to Prague for the International Dance Festival this summer. Bubblecake is the cupcake capital in this area, and it is a little piece of heaven on Earth. Their cupcakes are the most delicious I've ever tasted in my entire life, and their shop is the cutest thing in the world. The walls are pink with victorian prints everywhere. And I was very impressed when I saw a Buddha figure sitting on the shelf holding a jar of candies. Everyone in the area always stops at Bubblecake for a sweet treat, and many of those that didn't know about our event still participated! And we were blessed today with this beautiful weather that shows that spring is practically here. I have definitely missed the warm weather.

The event allowed children to take a picture with Cinderella (moi) and my Fairy Godmother (my girl, Molly) as well as indulge in a delicous cupcake made by the genius chefs of Bubblecake. And there even was the option of getting your hair put up into a perfect ballerina bun by some of our company members. Our usual boutique table was set-up with the little tutus, tiaras, wands, earrings, and even swords for the boys to bring in a couple extra dollars. And a lot of the girls were begging their parents to buy them a tutu and crown to wear in their picture with me. Our favorite photographer, Dan McDilda, was there taking the gorgeous pictures that were printed off as soon as it was taken, so everyone walked away with a picture, a happy tummy, maybe a wand or a tutu, and a memory. I feel like for a lot of girls, this was a really exciting moment. A lot of them were shy when they met me, and I thought it was the cutest thing in the world. One girl called me "Jasmine" and Molly "Cinderella", and I couldn't help but giggle. (If only there was an "Aladdin" ballet...)

All day I asked girls to show me their "princess smiles" and told them to believe in their dreams. And it even meant something to me. It's not everyday that you get to be every little girl's role model, especially at my age and stage in my dance career. I've never dreamt of being in such a position at such a young age and place in my baby career, but I'm so thankful. I surrounded by people with my face on their shirts all working for the same cause, and I couldn't help but feel so lucky. We're a family, and we're always working together. Tai was even there helping out, and it's always nice just having him around when I'm in my element. And he's always smiling at me.

It was a long day. You can only pretend to be a perfect princess for so long, and I could've done it all day long if I really had the energy to. Makes me wonder what it's like to be a princess at Disneyland...
xobria

it sucks.

2011-03-11T23:17:00.012-05:00

Yeah, it sucks. But you don't have to put a whole country back together.

Keep your head up, Japan.

gravity.

2011-03-08T23:03:00.039-05:00

The annual Footnotes audition is coming up, and I'm busy choreographing my contemporary piece that will follow my classical variation. This year I will be auditioning with my Act II Cinderella variation and this piece that I've been working on. I've had a difficult time picking a song to dance to this year, and I've switched between several options (some of them being "Hoppípola" by Sigur Rós and "The Freshmen" cover by Jay Brannan - just for your listening pleasure). But just recently, "Gravity" by John Mayer popped up on shuffle on my iPod. I haven't listened to this song in forever, so I fell in love with it all over again (don't you love it when that happens?)

I've titled by contemporary piece "Past". And I'm sure that you all can figure out what past I've referring to...
My past has affected me, but it doesn't define me. This dance means something different to me than any other dance has. My piece I choreographed last year ("Last Request") was based on my heart just begging for time to slow down and for him to tell me what I've always wanted to hear. It's me fighting those feelings but knowing deep down that I'm weak to my own defense.
This year, my piece is about walking away from everything for good. It's about throwing my heart at him again and again for him to just ignore it and stomp all over my heart. It's about this unknown force that keeps bringing me down, and I keep falling down to its clever will. But in the end, I win. I always win. Because there's also this silly thing called gravity. I say it's silly because I know that we all can fly, we just have to stop letting these silly things bring us down.

"Gravity, stay the hell away from me."
xobria

book reading #2.

2011-03-05T22:50:00.045-05:00

Today was book reading number two! This one was more advertised with a nifty little ad in the local newspaper. It's becoming a weekly thing that I get my stage make-up on for yet another Cinderella ballerina princess appearance. It's becoming routine, but I can't get too used to the idea of being a princess forever.

The turn-out for this event was so much better than last week's! Little girls came prepared with their Cinderella shirts and bows in their hair. Some had tutus and others had books that they wanted us to sign. These little kids make me smile so much. They get so excited about these events, and it makes me really get into the role of Cinderella. Little kids are the most curious and most inspiring people on this earth, in my opinion. They love to ask questions without being ashamed of what they're asking. And I love answering their questions and just talking to them in general. They're always amazed by the presence of a couple of "real ballerinas".

Although kids are the most inspirational and imaginative people ever, there was one girl that made disappointed me. She didn't believe in magic. I couldn't believe it. A little girl about 5 or 6 didn't believe in magic. I'm 17 years old and still believe in magic. It made me wonder how it could be possible that she didn't believe in magic. Does she not like the idea of dreams coming true at the flick of a wand? Sure a fairy godmother doesn't appear every single time you cry, but when you reach your goals, don't you think that's magical? When you're surrounded everyday by the people that you love, doesn't that feel like you're surrounded by magic? It's all magic, and I believe in it everyday.

Do you believe in magic?

xobria

princess on the news!

2011-03-04T22:10:00.030-05:00

ballerina glam.

Today I got to get out of school to hang out with the cool people at the news station downtown. I went ahead and wore my hair in a ballet bun to school, and I actually didn't get too many weird looks. People actually commented and said I looked "elegant". And I walked around thinking that I looked silly and like a boy with the middle part.

The people at the news station are super duper nice. They made sure that I was well-hydrated + comfortable. I was warned that the hosts of the show were a tad vain, but I didn't get that feeling from either of them! ...okay, actually the guy wasn't as personable as I would like, but anyway...I did a quick rehearsal on the tinytinytiny and slippery stage before it started, and it was really cool to see how everything worked on a tv show! I saw the weather corner where the meteorologist has all his computers and the green screen is that he uses. The numerous teleprompters and bright lights were so legit.

When it came time for me to be on, I couldn't help but put on a cheesy smile. I was so excited to be there, and I didn't have to say anything haha. But I'm a little mad how they cut me off at the beginning and end of my variation! That stupid title screen was not necessary at all. But what does my opinion matter? I'm just there to dance and look like a princess. And they went a little over on the talking, so they had to cut me off at the end to go to commercials. Bleh...show biz.

xobria

Here it is!

lover's philosophy.

2011-03-02T22:00:00.001-05:00

"your dreams are beautiful. i'll gladly run with you."

I have a lover's philosophy. I believe in love. I always choose love. And I recognize it wherever it's true.

I'm not making a decision that is hindering my dreams. I am choosing a different path that will lead me to a different door and a different destiny. I am choosing love, but I can still see my dreams in sight in the distance.

Always choose love. You won't regret it.

xobria

you know better.

2011-03-01T23:42:00.030-05:00

The thing about making it big, and doing it fast, Bria, is that invariably the first steps will be small and slow.
Which oddly, for many, is the same reason they don't take them.

You know better, huh, Bria?

Huh, huh, huh?
The Universe

I love these notes from the Universe. They remind of the little things that get to me every other day.
I would consider myself to be a very impatient person. When I want something, I want it now. I love surprises, until they're months and months away. I want to grow up so badly. I want to see where I end up in this crazy place known as Show Business and the Dance World. But I've come to terms with the fact that time will go slow when I want it to go fast, and it will go fast when I want it to slow down.

Lately, I've been having this same conversation with numerous people...
"What are your plans for next year, Bria?"
"I'm going to VCU."
"Oh! What do you plan on doing?"
"I'm going to dance."
"How exciting! Congratulations!"

And every single time that I have this conversation, I always make sure that I say "I'm going to dance" rather than "I'm going to be a dance major". I'm not taking this path to tell the world that I have a degree in dance+choreography. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most next year is dancing all the time. That's all I want to do.

Go out there and dance my little fucking heart out.
Learn more, sweat more, bleed more, cry more, inspire more, create more, and be more.
Eat (those words that you shouldn't even be saying).
Sleep (and dream the most wildest dreams ready to make them come true when you wake up).
Repeat (with a full heart + a clear mind; not discouraged one bit...).

xobria

storytime + the royal ballet.

2011-02-28T22:30:00.059-05:00

I need to look like this...

Yesterday began my princess duties as I went to the local Barnes + Noble to do a story reading with my Fairy Godmother. We didn't know what to expect, but we were excited to be there and meet the kids. We had a good laugh as we stepped out of a car in pointe shoes and costume to walk up to the store. We got some funny looks, but how could you miss a couple of girls in gorgeous ballet costumes? When we got there, there were a few girls sitting in the children's section ready to listen to the story. It was fun pretending to be a real princess. I imagine that that's what it feels like to be a princess at Disneyland. We read the story, and they all listened and enjoyed the story. We didn't have many listening to the story, but there were enough to let the show go on. We get to do this again next week, and I can't wait to do it again! But hopefully we'll get a bigger turn-out this time around...

Today I took a trip up to Richmond with some fellow company members to go to the Richmond Ballet studios once again. The Royal Ballet was in town, and they were making a stop in Richmond. They offered a master class before their performance with the Richmond Ballet. Of course, Pedro was all over this and made sure that we didn't turn down a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity like this. I was really excited for this after sitting at the computer for hours and hours on school nights watching clips of the Royal Ballet performances on YouTube...but my dreams were shot down when I found out that it was only the Royal Ballet students were performing, not the actual company. But I was still excited to see what they had to bring.
Mr. Jay Jolley, assistant director of the Royal Ballet School, taught our ballet class. He picked on me, which is what every serious dancer could ever hope for. I did wish that he had a British accent and that he didn't say "y'all", but he was an incredible teacher with a lot of important things to say. Something I've learned recently is that teachers hate to tell you the same correction over and over again. Sure, it's something that I should've learned a long time ago, but it wasn't until recently that I've been really hard on myself to clean my technique. When a teacher will tell you a correction, do it. Fix it. Because if they have to tell you again, you're not bettering yourself. It's really the only way you're going to get better.
Mr. Jolley complimented me on my brisés, and I was elated. Brisé is my favorite ballet step, and the fact that he complimented me on mine pretty much completed my life.

The performance after the class was incredible. Once the Royal Ballet students came out to perform, I took back my disappointment about not being able to see the real company because they still kick ass. I should've known that anyone that trains at the Royal Ballet school is a beast...their technique was amazing, and their performance energy and level were incredible. One piece in particular, titled "Fractals", was my favorite. It was a contemporary ballet piece that was fierce. It is the exact kind of thing that I want to do with my dance career. The choreography was excellent, and it inspired me even more to become a contemporary choreographer too.

I've been watching videos of Alina Cojocaru as Cinderella. She is sooooo cute! I love watching her dance the role of Cinderella. I observe how she portrays the innocent and daydreaming personality of Cinderella, and I'm learning a lot. She is so graceful and light on her feet. I wish I could look that good.

Well, farewell good weekend. Back to school tomorrow...
xobria

sleep.

2011-02-27T01:09:00.013-05:00

"we would wake up with our bodies intertwined like vines...growing closer and stronger together."

There's something so special about sleeping with you.

It's having our bodies so close together after they've been apart for so long.

It's hearing your heartbeat and knowing why it's beating the way it is.

It's feeling your breath and wanting it in my lungs.

It's a beautiful thing.

And i can't wait to do it for the next forever.

it's my fault that it's your fault.

2011-02-23T23:45:00.026-05:00

I've said a lot of things that I should not have said. And I did a lot of pretending that I wasn't pretending. The memory of Heartbreaker has been spilling out of my mouth like word vomit (the Mean Girls terminology is too perfect in this situation). Not because I think about him. Not because I care about him. Not because I miss him. But because I'm too used to the bad taste in my mouth whenever I say his name or talk about him. Spilling out just like word vomit.

And I've said a lot of things that hurt me more than it hurts the ones I love. It's about lying to myself and being too used to be hurt.

I've blocked Heartbreaker on Facebook. And all my friends, as well as I, are saying "Good girl."
For some reason, it took a lot to hit the block-button. But I did it.
And it's my last "fuck you".

Once upon a Heartbreaker time...and I lived happily ever after while he went to go fuck himself.
xobria

princess duties.

2011-02-21T23:31:00.000-05:00

I know you all are wondering (actually, probably not) how Cinderella things are coming along. And I'm very happy to report that we're almost done with learning the ballet. I've learned nearly all my parts, and the majority of what's left to be taught is for the corps dancers in the ball scene. Pedro's goal is to have the ballet completely taught and finished this weekend. It's a good goal, and there is still a big chunk to learn. But we can do it. Especially with Pedro at the head of things. He works magic every single time.

I've got some exciting things I'll be busy with for the next couple of weeks. I like to call them princess duties. It has become a weekly event when people tell me that they've seen my face on a poster somewhere around this small town. And I'm still not sure how I should react to having my face posted around the town. I still don't think I'll ever get used to it...it makes me wonder what it's like to be printed in a national printed ad (*cough cough* Keltie Colleen...).
I've got a couple of princess duties scheduled for next week. Next Friday I get to ~~ditch~~ be excused from school to dance on the news. I'll get to take a trip to the news station and perform my variation from Act II on a tiny square of floor for everyone that's tuning in. So, tune in! Next Saturday I have been invited to do a book reading with my fairy godmother for children at the local Barnes + Noble. I love talking with little kids so much, and I'm really excited for this event.
Then the weekend after, I get to sit in a cupcake shop to meet little girls and boys that want their picture taken with me and my fairy godmother (I don't go anywhere without my fairy godmother. She's kinda like a bodyguard. Except dainty + glittery.) I'll be surrounded by some of the most delicious cupcakes on this planet while I have to sit and make cheesy smiles and dozens of cameras. That's okay though because I thoroughly enjoy it.

I may call these upcoming events "princess duties", but it's not really just a job for me. I love doing this. I'm still in shock that I'm the lead ballerina of a three act ballet. I didn't think I would be seeing this happening so soon in my dance career, but dreams come true with hard work.

The other day at rehearsal, I was having a discussion with my Prince Charming. (He has recently auditioned for the National Ballet of Canada. He was one of the two selected in an audition of about 38 people to attend the school. He's working on trying to become a part of the company someday) He said to me, "I don't think I'm really all that talented...I have really shitty feet...but I worked for where I am today. I work. And people are going to notice that."
I couldn't agree more with what he had to say. I have a lot of focus and drive to keep becoming better and better. And it's exciting to see yourself make improvments and reach goals. And that's the way I work - I make a goal, I push myself to the limit (sometimes past the limit), I reach it, and then I move on to the next goal. It's the only way I'm ever going to get where I want to be.

You have a duty to yourself to be proud of yourself.
What do you do that makes you proud of yourself?

From one curious, passionate, and living being to another,
xobria

blue valentine.

2011-02-20T22:54:00.003-05:00

"i feel like men are more romantic than women."

Last night I went on a movie date (our first) with Tai to go see "Blue Valentine". We've been dying to see this movie after seeing the cute trailer. It was playing at a local movie theatre called the Grandin Theatre. I've only been there once (once upon a Heartbreaker-time), so I was really excited to go back there.

The movie was amazing. It left both Tai and I completely speechless. The ride home was quiet, but when I stopped the car, all we did was hold each other in silence. It was the only thing we felt like doing after watching this movie. And it was the right thing to do.

All I can really say about this movie is: it left my heart broken + full at the same time.

It broke my heart to see love lost. What Dean and Cindy had seemed so genuine and irreplaceable. It seemed like something rare and something that you should really treasure and not take for granted. But after a few years, things changed. And things ended differently. It made me sad and scared. It made me afraid that I might think I'm in love with someone for a moment, but then years later realize that I was wrong. It worried me that I could never be so sure and that maybe someone might change their feelings for me.

But as I sat there watching their love fall apart, I looked over at Tai. He held my hand throughout the entire movie. He rested his head on my shoulder. He kissed my cheek at the most random times. And at one point during the movie, he leaned over and whispered "I love you". The movie showed me when love fails, so it made me want to do the complete opposite. I wanted to have a happy marriage and a happy family. I wanted nothing but the truth and best out of every relationship I get myself into. Tai may or may not be the one, but he's someone that I love very much right now. And after watching this movie, I'm going to make sure I won't take him or any love of mine for granted.

I recommend all lovers to see this movie. If you believe in love or if you're in love go see it. Even if you don't believe in love or was once in love or have never been in love, go see it because you're lovers too. You just haven't realized it yet.

I'm warning you that it's not your average, fairytale, happy-ending chick flick box office hit. But it will touch your heart. And I must say that I'm even more in love with Ryan Gosling after this movie.

"i'm here to stay, there is no one else for me that will fill my heart up like you do."
xobria

PS. This movie has an amazing soundtrack. Love this song from the movie sooo much.\

the place.

2011-02-18T23:58:00.034-05:00

Once upon a time I thought I was in love with a boy I like to call Heartbreaker. He used to talk to me all night, drive me around for hours, and take me to this place. This was our place. This was the place where we would take the same exact trail, to get to the same exact place, and to sit and talk until the sun would set. We shared secrets and special moments on that blanket he kept in the back of his car for the times we would spend there. We watched this place change and go through all the seasons. And although everything around us would change, we wouldn't. I would go walk into those woods looking at him with hopeful eyes, and I would walk out with a lying, empty, and falsly happy heart.
And once upon a time, I ended this vicious cycle of walking in and walking out of these woods with Heartbreaker. Because I was sick of all the pretending and all the lying. To myself.

Today I visited this place. I went there to take advantage of the beautiful weather we've been having lately. I was expecting to go, walk in, and laugh at the numerous pointless times I've spent there and at the pathetic person that I used to be every time I walked in there with him. But it didn't happen that way. I walked down that same trail, and I didn't like the feeling I was getting. It was different than all the other times I've been there with him. And I realized what was missing - him. But I kept going deeper and deeper into the woods until I reached one of the spots we sat and talked. I sat in the same place. I looked at the same trees. A year ago, I was there with him but my heart was full of empty hopes. Now I was sitting there with a full and happy heart. And it was almost as if the woods themselves didn't want me to be happy. The woods were too used to my fake happiness and my truly unhappy heart.

And I started to cry. I had flashbacks of unwanted memories and feelings, and I felt stupid and used. Being there made me want to regret every single moment I spent with Heartbreaker. Take back every single time I said that I loved him. Take back all the time I rode around in his car. And all those times I spent with him at our place. I spent a mere 15 minutes there, and I had to leave. It made me cry.

I've seen that place change with the seasons, but I never imagined my heart changing seasons. And I'm not bothered or controlled by my past. I just needed a good little cry by myself today.

xobria

scared.

2011-02-16T22:59:00.008-05:00

I'm scared. Of not being careful. Of not being safe.

There are a lot of reasons to be scared right now.

But when you think about it.

The odds are in our favor.

valentine-y.

2011-02-14T23:45:00.075-05:00

FACT: This is the first time I have not been single for Valentine's Day since the sixth grade.

Happy Valentine's Day, loving followers!

I'm showing my love for all of you because I haven't been posting for a while, so I really owe it to you guys.

I spent the entire weekend with a few people that I love - Tai, John, and Courtney. We had way too much fun because we're all super goofy people, so it was quite the exciting + crazy weekend. Saturday night after a long day of Cinderella rehearsal, we all went to a Filipino Valentine's Day party. It's not our idea of a pumping party, but we made it fun since we were all together. Then they all came home with me to end up watching "Casino Royale" and spend the night. Yesterday, we took a road trip up to Richmond to see the Richmond Ballet perform Giselle!

I've never seen the ballet, but I've been dying to! It's a classic, and I was so excited to see it. I always enjoy going to see the Richmond Ballet perform because I know several people in the company. It's always cool to see beautiful and exquisite dancers that you know and that inspire you perform. Pedro got us the most perfect seats in the house which I was so thankful for because, of course, I was stupid enough to forget my glasses. I was so relieved that I wouldn't have to see little blobs twirling and jumping around on the stage for a couple of hours.

Shira Lanyi danced the role of Giselle, and she was so graceful! She has so much stage presence as well as beautiful technique. The part of the ballet that I was looking forward to the most was the "mad scene" - when Giselle goes mad from finding out the man she loves is engaged to someone else and dies from a weak heart. I was so excited for the infamous scene in which Giselle takes down here ballet bun and lets her hair loose. It truly symbolizes her losing control and grace and her mind......and I was completely disappointed when Shira didn't take down her bun. It was still an intense and emotional scene, but I wanted to see her hair come down! I wanted to see the mess that Giselle becomes. I wanted to see the heartbreak in her tangled hair. And although I didn't get that, I still was completely blown away by the entire performance. I'm hoping that next year I'll be dancing on that stage with the Richmond Ballet.

I hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day! I hope you got to spend it with the ones you love may it be a significant other, your best friends, or your family. Spread the love!

xobria

PS. I'm going to leave you all with a love poem. It reminds me of how I never let Tai look at my ugly dancer feet, but when he finally holds me down long enough to look at them, he says they're beautiful.

Your Feet by Pablo Neruda
When I cannot look at your face
I look at your feet.
Your feet of arched bone,
your hard little feet.
I know that they support you,
and that your sweeth weight
rises upon them.
Your waist and your breasts,
the doubled purple
of your nipples,
the sockets of your eyes
that have just flown away,
your wide fruit mouth,
your red tresses,
my little tower.
But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.

what i've been up to for the past 3 weeks...

2011-02-13T23:37:00.034-05:00

1. Trying to edit the formspring question video that I recorded (because I realized that my home address was completely visible on it, and I don't want any stalkers thank you very much...) Then to later completely lose the video file. So my solution is this: open up my formspring again sometime within the next week or so. I'll answer the questions from the last time it was open as well as this time. And I think I'll leave it open for more than an hour. Maybe two? We'll see!

2. Last weekend I had an audition for Richmond Ballet. It's the only summer program I'm auditioning for this year. This is only because I'm interested in their year-long Trainee program that I can be a part of while I'm attending VCU next year. And the only way I can be a part of it is to go to the summer program. They will then make their decisions about who will be a part of the Trainee program towards the end of the five weeks. I'll be hearing from them sometime this week!

3. Lots and lots and lots of Cinderella rehearsals. We're almost done with the entire ballet, actually! We are done learning Act I, and Act II is coming along nicely. And my rehearsals with my Prince Charming are going so well. Our connection is getting more and more real every time we rehearse together. The fact that he's one of my best friends definitely makes it easier, haha.

4. Staying out of trouble. Lately, I've been being very teenagerly + reckless, and I've been paying the consequences for doing so. But I'm definitely learning my lesson.

5. Counting down the days until graduation! Only 116 days from today!

6. Jamming out to this bad boy.

I've been so preoccupied with the formspring video problem that I've been away from da blog. My most sincere apologies. I'll get back on track, I promise.

Love always,

xobria

doubt.

2011-01-23T20:51:00.000-05:00

"your heart has been hurt too many times. you deserve to be loved, bria. you deserve to be loved by me." 

I got the wake-up call that I've been waiting for.

I got the answer I've been searching for.

It came in the form of more pain and hurt, but in the end it will be worth it. So worth it. Remember this secret? I kept this secret from everyone, and I tried my hardest to try and forget about it to. But it kept popping up out of nowhere, and I cracked. I couldn't handle the guilt inside anymore, so I confessed and cried all the tears left I have left in my body. And I learned what my problem is.

I doubt.

I always come off as strong and so sure of what I believe love to be. But deep down, I'm still scared shitless. It only took one person to change me, and from then on I started building walls. I was able to hide my feelings from everyone, and no one had an idea of how broken and hurt I was feeling on the inside. I woke up every morning knowing that I was going to play pretend again all day, and it became a normal thing. I became numb to it, and I got used to it all. I got used to a boy telling me sweet things and not believing a single word of it. I got used to his eyes being on me for one moment and seeing his eyes on another girl a moment after. I got used to not getting attached knowing that he would just walk away. I prepared my heart for the worst and protected it from hurt. My heart got so used to taking everyone's shit and pretending nothing was wrong. I looked at all these boys that hurt me, and I was able to look at them with a calm persona. I was able to converse and flirt as if my heart had never come in contact with their hurtful intentions and words. But on the inside, my heart is a mess and my mind has trained my eyes to not cry.

There was one boy (before Tai) with whom I let my walls come down. And as soon as I let those walls come down and let myself become vulnerable, he walked away. And that's when I got into the habit of "if things are too good to be true, it's not true". I realized that once I realize that things are too perfect and things are going so well and perfect, I get scared. I get scared of things ending, me screwing things up, and me being left hurt and vulnerable again. My heart has become tough and too closed off with too many walls.

I used to believe that I didn't deserve a relationship. That I was just that piece of ass boys would talk to and play games with. And the sad part is that I let it happen because that's all I've ever known, and when I found Tai I knew that there was a different plan for me. And all I had to do was trust him.

He's breaking down those walls and not leaving me. I am more than thankful for his love.

New goal = stop doubting and start taking down these damn walls.

Step back and look at who cares about you. And please don't doubt them.

xobria

2011-01-20T23:58:00.002-05:00

i have so much left to say to you. but you're not worth my time, breath, or inner peace.

I have already left the past behind, so stop dragging me back into it just because you're stuck there and can't move on.
And that's the difference between you and me.
You may hate me, but I don't hate you.
I hate my past, and you just happen to be stuck there.

Past by Pablo Neruda
We have to discard the past
and, as one builds
floor by floor, window by window,
and the building rises,
so do we go on throwing down
first, broken tiles,
then pompous doors,
until out of the past
dust rises
as if to crash
against the floor,
smoke rises
as if to catch fire,
and each new day
it gleams
like an empty
plate.
There is nothing, there is always nothing.
It has to be filled with a new, fruitful
space,
then downward
tumbles yesterday
as in a well
falls yesterday's water,
into the cistern
of all still without voice or fire.
It is difficult to teach bones
to disappear,
to teach eyes
to close
but
we do it
unrealizing.
It was alive,
alive, alive, alive
like a scarlet fish
but time
passed over its dark cloth
and the flash of the fish
drowned and disappeared.
Water water water
the past goes on falling
still a tangle
of bones
and of roots;
it has been, it has been, and now
memories mean nothing.
Now the heavy eyelid
covers the light of the eye
and what was once living
now no longer lives;
what we were, we are not.
And with words, although the letters
still have transparency and sound,
they change, and the mouth changes;
the same mouth is now another mouth;
they change, lips, skin, circulation;
another being has occupied our skeleton;
what once was in us now is not.
It has gone, but if the call, we reply;
"I am here," knowing we are not,
that what once was, was and is lost,
is lost in the past, and now will not return.

mantra.

2011-01-18T23:32:00.000-05:00

I've done a lot of crying for the past few days. But I'm going to stop crying now because crying never gets you what you want.

There are prices we must pay when we make a mistake in life, and this is the most difficult price I've ever had to pay thus far in my life. I don't want to go into much detail about it for the sake of putting too much of my personal life on the Internet...But I will say that I've got a lot of growing up to do. Growing up means more than freedom + independence. It means responsibility and the ambition to stand up for what you believe in and going for it with a strong and clear head (not a hard head! A clear and strong one).

Remember my old babysitter, Leticia? She's a second mother to me, and she's helping me through this difficult time right now. She's being tough on me and telling me to take the challenge, but I need it. Today she told me a mantra to keep telling myself through these hard times.

"Thank you for this moment of peace + silence. Please forgive me of my trespasses."

And with this mantra she told me another important thing to keep in mind: "Say that whenever you're in silence and you feel peace. It's a message to the Universe. You know, we don't pollute the world with trash; we pollute it with negative thoughts. If you send the Universe positivity, that's what you will get. If you send the Universe negative thoughts, that's what you will get."

I'm a believer in the Universe, and when she told me this it reminded me in what I believe in and why I love the idea of the Universe so much. The Universe works in amazing and strange ways, but it always has something to say.

And you always have something to say to the Universe.
What is your message to the Universe?
xobria

cindy-relly.

2011-01-16T23:18:00.041-05:00

"you don't believe her when she says you're going to be beautiful. you don't believe that a girl like you could be and feel like a princess."

Today I had a magnificent rehearsal with my Ugly Stepmother and Sisters. I only call them Ugly because that's what they're called in the ballet, but in real life they're very pretty and I love them to death. My stepmother is actually a man, which makes it loads more fun! He's having a little difficulty with the dancing part of it because he's never done it before, but I love his persistence. We're in very good shape now for the 2nd week of rehearsals. In this version of Cinderella, my father is a drunk. There is a section where I dance with him and tell him to stop drinking. I've known the man who plays my father ever since I was 13. I call him Papa Bear, and the connection that we have is so natural. He too has never really danced before although all of his children are successful dancers, but he's a natural. I have such a great cast surrounding me that I often forget that I'm the lead role in this ballet. We're all working together, and it means a lot.

Also, in this version of the ballet, there's a beggar woman that comes into the house to tell me that I will be a beautiful princess someday. And I, dirty house servant Cinderella, don't believe her at all. I look down at my rags and dirty feet, and as much as I wish that were possible, I don't believe it for a second. And before she leaves, I give her a loaf of bread. When I was taught and rehearsed this scene, I realized that I really relate to the character of Cinderella.

I've been through a lot as a person and dancer, and I learn to be thankful for what I have. I take the crap that people give to me to avoid fighting and more conflict. And never in a million years did I ever imagine myself in this position - the ballerina. I've dreamed of being the prima ballerina on that big stage dancing a beautiful grand pas de deux with a dreamy prince. I'm living the dream of any little girl, and I can honestly say that if you work hard and believe+trust in yourself your dreams will come true.

A dream is a wish your heart makes. But you don't have to be asleep for it to be true.

xobria

i hate this.

2011-01-15T23:58:00.034-05:00

"i would skip out on any party to just lie in bed with you. that night meant more to me than any party."

I hate being in trouble because this means no phone and no car.

I'm a normal teenager that makes mistakes, too.

Anyway...last night I had my first rehearsal with my prince charming. As you know, one of my best friends, John, is the Prince, and I love working with him. I've heard from a lot of people that we have great chemistry together when we dance, and at rehearsal tonight I really felt it. We started learning the pas de deux from Act II when I first come to the ball, and then we both fall in love with each other (oh, the simplicity of fairytales...). We learned about half of it, and I love the feeling of this pas. It's not your usual classical ballet pas de deux. Pedro is making it more neoclassical, and I love the freedom of it. I would try and get a video of it, but Pedro is very protective of his choreography which I can understand. It's not easy to choreograph a three act ballet, so hats off to Pedro. But rehearsal with John + Pedro is mighty fun, and we're making great progress. I can't wait to finish it next week!

Today was rehearsal with the whole company. Tai has decided to join in on the ballet and dance as an extra. He's dancing as a gentleman at the ball in the prince's court, and I loved having him the studio. Just having him there in my workplace immediately brightened my long day at the studio. The ballet is coming along piece by piece, and it's so exciting to see it all come together! Tomorrow I have rehearsal with my Ugly Stepmother and Sisters and my drunken father, and I can't wait to work with them!

Here's to another phone-less and car-less day...

xobria

time to talk.

2011-01-14T12:17:00.020-05:00

Last night I spilled my guts. I spilled it all to him. He is my boyfriend. He is my secret keeper. He is my best friend.

I wasn't expecting to spend the night, tell him any of the things I said, or cry on his shoulder like a pathetic little girl that I've become. I told him about my dark past and finally admitted that I hated the person that I became all because of one person - Heartbreaker. Heartbreaker changed me for the worse, and I knew it too. However, I didn't admit to the fact that I hate the person that I became because of him, and when I finally realized that I've changed too much in a bad way, I knew that I could start making some changes. I whispered and sobbed things that were kept in the very depths and darknesses of my heart. They were things that I never even told my best girlfriends, and he did the best thing to let me know that he was listening, understanding, and not judging a single thing I said or a teardrop shed.

I became an ugly person last year. I turned into someone that toyed with hearts, played games with lust, and lied to myself all because one person came into my life and changed me. He took advantage of my innocent curiosity and changed my pure thoughts of love, life, and sex, and that's the very reason why I hate Heartbreaker so much.

Also for the fact that he almost ruined electro/house music for me.

i woke up...

2011-01-11T10:15:00.005-05:00

I woke up to snow all over the ground and school being cancelled.
I also woke up from a dream of being attacked by huge ass killer bees.

i'm not the bad guy.

2011-01-10T23:40:00.009-05:00

"she knows that you're the better person, so she puts you down."

I'm trying to fix this so that we can all be friends.
Stop making me the bad guy and targeting me for your problems.
It's you. Not me.
Get your story straight and don't screw up my happiness.
Please + thank you.

a (not so sad) love song.

2011-01-09T21:57:00.009-05:00

I haven't written a song in a very long time. It's been since the summer since inspiration has found me, but it found me tonight.

And I wrote a love song. And for once, it's not a sad one.
So thank you.

xobria

PS. I'll try to get it recorded and on my music Myspace soon...

first cinderella rehearsal!

2011-01-08T22:18:00.000-05:00

"i tell you to wait a lot." - my fairygod mother

"it's okay. i'm used to obeying orders and commands." - me

Today marks the very first rehearsal of Cinderella! I can't believe that getting ready for this show is finally here! It's still surreal for me going through rehearsals knowing that I'm "the princess". Is this really my life?!

It was a great day for rehearsals, although I was afraid that it was going to get cancelled with the snow falling heavy this morning. Thankfully, rehearsal wasn't cancelled, so we were able to begin the excitement of learning new choreography! We started off with the ball scene, and I am so impressed. First of all, Pedro's choreography for this is amazing. No wonder he was so anxious to start rehearsing for it! It's challenging, but I see every single person going for it and approaching the challenge without a single fear. The partnering for the ballroom scene is so cool! Pedro has all the couples running patterns that are all so appealing to the eye, and I seriously can't wait to see it when it's all cleaned up, everyone's in their costumes, and we're onstage with all the sets. But that's approximately 3 months away...

It's all so exciting to begin this adventure and journey, and I can't wait to keep you guys updated and tell you all about it! My prince (my best guy friend, John) and I are rehearsing for the ball scene pas de deux this Friday night, and Pedro says that there are going to be some crazy lifts and throwing. And I can't wait.

xobria

this ends here.

2011-01-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

I'm done. For real this time.
I promise all of you that. But most importantly, I promise myself that.
I've deleted Heartbreaker's number from my phone, name from my head, memories from my heart, and future in my curiosity. Because this is where it ends.

Because what I have now is so much more important than what I had in the past.

So fuck you.

fuck you. fuck you very, very much.
cause your words don't translate, and it's getting quite late,
so please don't stay in touch.

2011-01-07T22:15:00.006-05:00

Oh, how I have missed Plank Fridays.......

that dancer guy.

2011-01-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

I sure hope you remembered this guy...
This is Mr. Tony d'Alelio. I posted a video of him a while back, and I just want to take this time to say a few words about this lovely fellow.

Aside from being a fierce dancer, he's a believer and lover. I've had a couple of conversations with him about what we think about love, and he's opened my eyes to a lot. He reminded me that there are always going to be fears when it comes to love, but when it comes to love you should always believe. I've had a lot of questions building up on my heart and my head, and he answered a lot of them just by telling me the simplicity of just believing.

Hopefully you've noticed that I am now following his blog. He's an extraordinary writer, and I always love reading the thoughts of another hungry artist. Follow him here!

What do you think about the two of us doing a contemporary duet together?
Yeah, we liked the sound of it too.
xobria

PS. Speaking of delicious dancers. I'm seriously loving this music video. Love the song. Love the dancing. Yummy!

tell me why we're talking.

2011-01-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

tell me why we're talking when we dance so good

i know you can't stay, but i wish you would

i wish you would

Remember when I told you that I sent off my scholarship video? And I promised you that I would put up the video when I got a letter back from the program? Well, here it is! I'm very sad to say that I didn't get any money from the scholarship program. But I am very happy to say that I'm proud of my work. This is my first choreographed piece on someone other than myself, and it was such a great experience.

I just want to say a few things about this dance and what my vision was...

I always talk about how I wish life was a ballet. The world with no words; where "actions speak louder than words" is a way of life. My favorite ballets always consist of a strong-willed and graceful ballerina being wooed by the bold and dashing man in tights. The one doing double tours and five pirouettes in a row. It is a world where dancing is how you express every emotion and feeling. Where dancing is how you tell someone you love them with a love stronger than any word can say.

I believe that dancing can fix anything. A bad day. A confused mind. A problem at home. A terrible heartbreak. Just going into the studio to do nothing but dance is the best kind of healing to me. Because when I dance my mind is clear, and I drop all my problems and leave them on the dancefloor.

Maybe it's too much of a fantasy to see a boy taking his girl's hand to dance with her because she's mad at him. All she seems to want to do is argue and continue fighting, but he doesn't say a single word. He pulls her in close for a few seconds of dancing, and for those few seconds she's listening to his dance steps and feeling his every move. He asks, "Tell me why we're talking when we dance so good?" And the girl realizes that sometimes words aren't necessary. Sometimes all there is is to dance.

First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.

xobria

this secret will eat me alive.

2011-01-03T22:38:00.006-05:00

"more people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them" - harold j. smith

I'm in the middle of a mistake.
A big, fat, ugly mistake. And I know that it's the thing that will eat me alive from the inside out, but nothing is calling me away from it.
I'm hating myself for this feeling, but I can't help it. And I'm not fighting it at all.

I've searched everywhere for the answer as to why I keep making this same mistake. But maybe the one place I haven't looked is within myself. There's something wrong with me. I think this is the "it's not you, it's me" moment in which it actually makes sense.

I could tell someone my secret to get it off my chest. But this once. Just this once. I'm not going to tell a single soul. This battle is between me and this secret. And I refuse to be the one that loses. However, at this very moment, I'm feeling a little weak inside.

I regret nothing.
But I hate myself for this.
I really do.

now my life is one big make it or break it.

whaddup, 2011.

2011-01-01T14:43:00.000-05:00

I ended 2010 talking about weather with The Cure, partying with Heartbreaker, catching up with old friends, stuffing my face with delicious food, clinking glasses with my parents, and smiling with a very happy heart.

I look at that number - 2011 - and I still can't believe it's here. It's the year I've been waiting for. The year every single high school senior this year has been waiting for. And it's finally here.

Hello, 2011. Please be good to me.
xobria

2010.

2010-12-31T18:05:00.106-05:00

The sun has set on the last day of 2010, and I've never been more sad to see a year end. This year has been one that I won't ever forget. In just a year, I've met so many people, made so many memories, learned a lot of lessons, made so many mistakes, and started to find my real self. This year has become something so special to me, and it'll be so tough to say goodbye to the ten. But 2011 is the year I've been waiting for ever since I started school. I'm graduating, and I'm starting college in the new year. What could be better?!

I want to thank all of you that read this blog for all your support and kind words. I know that I didn't keep up with the blog as much this year with all the stress I've been under towards the end of this year, but thanks for sticking around. It means a lot. I can't say "thank you" enough, but thank you thank you thank you times infinity! You guys are the best, and please remember that you inspire so much each and every single day. I love you all!

2010

This year was my year. This was the year that I found time to take care of myself and reinvented myself. It was a bumpy ride, but it was well worth it. Everything that I expected out of life, love, myself, and this year came true. It'll take a lot to top this year, but I'm so ready for 2011!

Just a few thoughts on this year...

-I feel like I lost a lot of my innocence this year, haha.

-Love is painful at its worst.

-Love is everything it's supposed to be at its best.

-I've grown closer with octopi, as well as other sea creatures.

-I didn't write much music this year. I'm not happy about that.

-I spent a lot of quality time with the piano this year. I am happy about that.

-I used to believe in "good things come to those who wait" until this year. Either it's "stop waiting and go after it" or "you just never know what's coming for you".

-Fate + destiny are two completely different things.

-I love driving.

-Funny things happen to funny people.

-Sometimes you'll get that apology you've been waiting for, and sometimes you don't. Either way, always forgive.

-I ended last year sick of techno music. Now I can't get enough. Sorry, but no one is going to ruin good music with sexy, fat beats for me. No one.

-I cheated on ice baths quite a lot this year with hot baths.

-I got in trouble a lot this year, but it was all worth it!

-I suck at budgeting money.

-I'm good at getting lost. And getting on the wrong subway.

-Religion is man-made. Faith is personal.

-Fuck deadlines.

-This summer was the best yet.

-A couple of boys I met this summer made me realize that I like green a lot more than I thought.

-Everyone wishes they were a 4H whore.

-NYC + me = a true love.

-I had a wake-up call this summer. I have a long way to go if I want to make it in the dance world. But I have what it takes.

-I met Shu. She's a delight!

-I found my cure.

-I found my savior.

-Skyping is cool. Whoever says it isn't obviously hasn't used it.

-Everything happens for a reason. I can't say that enough. I will never stop believing it.

-College kids would never trick you. Especially if you're a high school kid.

-Happy Hollows is a very special place to me.

-We did it.

-My definition of "walking distance" has changed completely thanks to this summer.

-I've always wanted to be hypnotized. And I got to this year, and I'm kinda bummed that I don't remember it all.

-My caterpillar blue suit is the instant party starter.

-I thought I slacked off a lot last year...until I realized how much I slacked off this year.

-Sporcle.com = procrastination at its finest.

-Girl kisses are all good fun.

-I wish I could wear a tutu in public more often.

-Being a live statue is a lot more fun than you think.

-Having the news channel show your ugly armpits while you're trying to be a pretty live statue isn't fun at all.

-I think the highlight of this semester is writing a 6-page research paper in 3 hours. I am a champ.

-I am so proud of Christina Perri. I've been waiting and waiting for her to get signed, and FINALLY!

-Singing "Jar of Hearts" in the middle of Central Park in a bikini while it's starting to rain is true happiness.

-I find new music faster than I can put it on my iPod.

-I want a Mac. Really really bad.

-Applying for college is stressful as everyone makes it to be. You don't joke around with that kind of stuff.

-I wish there were more hours in the day.

-Every Friday is a Plank Friday.

-Once again, snow has ruined some really fun plans.

-I like the other girl. I really do.

-Why do people walk away when they're scared? We could've been great together.

-Oh well, I'm still happy.

-This is the happiest I've been in a long time. True fax.

-FACT: I love every single one of you.

-MYTH: I'm friends with Keltie. Oh, how I wish...

-FACT: I love blogging.

Here's to the last day of 2010. Live it up you guys. I really hope you guys had much of an amazing year as I did. Because you all deserve it. I wish you all the best for 2011!

See you on the flipside!

xobria

colossal times.

2010-12-29T20:33:00.000-05:00

Chillin' out in Maryland away from for the holidays has its perks - more things to do, better stores to shop at, and BIG FOOD.
The misconception I think many people have about dancers is that they don't eat. 99.99% of the dancers that I know love to eat. I'm very sad to report that some dance companies and dancers choose to almost starve themselves, but that's not what this post is about. It's about the crazy, large foods that I've been eating on this holiday break. It's probably not a very good idea since I'm not dancing at all, but after tonight I might be fasting for the next week or so...

Tonight my family hit up Chick and Ruth's Delly to see the colossal milkshake in person. We're a big fan of Man vs Food at my house, and we had to take advantage of being in the vicinity of some of the featured foods on the show. My sister, my two cousins, and I took on the challenge of drinking the 6lbs milkshake. I say that we were very lucky and smart share the huge drink among the four of us; I couldn't imagine drinking the whole thing on my own in my entire lifetime...

But we did it! After a couple of hours and a lot of people walking by the window in awe of the giant drink in the center of our table, we finished it. We all feel like a tub of lard after, but we were proud of finishing what we started. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go burp a little more...

xobria

the end.

PS. And we went here for dinner yesterday...Big Mama is quite the character! She is hilarious!

overthinking.

2010-12-28T22:01:00.036-05:00

With the new year approaching, I've been thinking...
I hate to get all cliché and all, but I remember being in middle school and counting down the years until graduation. And although every single year the number decreased, the amount of time still seemed long and far away. 2011 is around the corner, and I never thought I would see that year in a million years! That's what it felt like anyway, but it's my graduation year, and it's practically here! It's exciting yet bittersweet at the same time, and I'm really excited to bring in the year 2011!!

I remember last year I ended the year with a ~~broken~~ healing heart. I remember being tired of being tired and sad. I was sick of being lovesick and lying to myself. So I made a promise to myself that the new year would bring on a new me and a new heart. And looking back I see that a lot has changed yet a lot has stayed the same. Heartbreaker and I are still as strange as we ever were. But my heart has moved on and found a love that is irreplaceable and something that I have only dreamt about in my wildest, high-school dreams.

One thing is for sure: I'm not ending this year thinking about Heartbreaker at all. I promise you all that. And I promise myself that.
xobria

merry christmas!

2010-12-25T13:21:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, all!! As a Christmas present, I thought I would give you my blog back, haha. I hope you guys like the new layout! That's me in the Cinderella costume up there!

I haven't been up to much the past few days. And although my blog wasn't up, I kept posting things because I knew people still wanted to "read my thoughts" (I've been getting all sorts of things in my Formspring inbox...). I'm busy spending Christmas with my family in Maryland, and I've created this little Christmas card with me and Goochy. I hope that it brings you the joy of Christmas!

It seems like everyone is having a good Christmas this year, and I wish that and more for all of you as well. I'm back and better than I was a few days ago that's for sure.

Merry Christmas!
xobria

PS. 8 days!

2010-12-24T23:13:00.000-05:00

if i could win the lottery, we'd sail across the world.

I want a teepee for Christmas.

different, yet the same.

2010-12-22T23:36:00.020-05:00

"bria, i have to get something off my chest. if you didn't have a boyfriend..."

It seems that each time I spend with Heartbreaker he becomes less and less attractive to me. I remember in the beginning I thought he was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But now I look and wonder what it was that I fell in love with in the first place. Sure, there's still that little feeling inside me that feels like an elementary school crush that just makes me want to give him a big hug for no reason. But I got so attached to him, that now it's all completely lost. But I'm not sad about it at all.

He said something to me on the way home that made my heartbreak a little just like he's good at doing. And I just looked at him and didn't say a word. But the look on my face just said "It's too late." There are things that I've only dreamt of him saying to me, but now that I'm in love with someone else they mean something completely different when he says them in real life. And I'm secretly loving how I'm making him feel about me being happy without him.

Sweet revenge from doing nothing but believing in love and saying "no" to those that hurt me. You should do the same.

xobria

2010-12-21T23:31:00.011-05:00

Heartbreaker is back for the holidays.

the mug and the christmas party.

2010-12-18T23:00:00.016-05:00

the mug.

Today I forced myself to get out of the house because I had to go to the company Christmas party! The company Christmas party is always fun because we do Secret Santa every year, and it's always fun to buy presents! I bought my person a bunch of socks (she's a sock person), but she ended up not being there tonight because she was sick as well. I, on the other hand, am sick and still went. However, I ended up keeping to myself with a mug of hot apple cider to avoid from getting others sick too. We got to watch the Nutcracker performance from the Friday school show, and it looked great! The new snow costumes and headpieces looked amazing. There was something missing from tonight's Christmas party though - Pedro. He's in Richmond dancing with the Richmond Ballet for their performance of the Nutcracker. So we all sent him our toy-toy's, and I sent him a basket full of Godiva chocolate.

As a result of making myself get out of the house today, I felt like I was going to pass out. So I ended up leaving the party a little early, but I was very happy that I got to spend some Christmas time with my 2nd family <3

xobria

PS. I would like to introduce you to my new pet! My Secret Santa got me this! His name is Goochy!

mother, father. i'm ill.

2010-12-17T22:05:00.012-05:00

"hunger hurts, and i him so bad. oh, it kills cause i know i'm a mess he don't want to clean up..."

I'm a mess.

My head hurts. My temperature is 102. My throat kills.

Yesterday was our first snow day of the year, and I woke up at 2 in the afternoon with a migraine and a high fever (I guess that's what you get for hanging out in a guest cottage with no heating for 3 hours). I'm a wee bit better today besides the fever. I've taken up the challenge of reading the entire Harry Potter series over break. I used to be a big Harry Potter fan but stopped reading after the 4th book. Not really sure what happened and why I stopped reading, but I'm going to fix that.

Back to Mr. Tylenol PM and Harry Potter...

xobria

tea and techno.

2010-12-15T23:56:00.005-05:00

I feel like my winter break is going to consist of a lot of tea and techno...

i will send all my loving to you.

2010-12-14T23:59:00.011-05:00

I would always read about Keltie's holiday season without her beau, and I would feel bad for her. I always just felt bad, but that's only because I've always been single on Christmas and I don't know what that's like. But this year, I'm feeling her pain. I'll be without him for Christmas, and Keltie was right. It's not a very good feeling.

I believe in love in ways that people would think were mere fantasy. But I think that the fact that not many people believe in love the same ways I do makes it all the more special. Don't be afraid to believe in love with ways you do because when you find someone that believes in the exact same thing you'll know that it's something special.

Tomorrow I'll wake up tasting cigars and whipped cream.
Tomorrow I'll be smelling you.
Tomorrow I'll be missing you.
xobria

i'm in college.

2010-12-14T16:02:00.001-05:00

I got my first college acceptance letter.
WOOOOOOOOOTTTTT!!
All my fears of not getting into college have been relieved!! One down, eight more to go....

losing track of time.

2010-12-13T23:30:00.013-05:00

The day back to school after the magical weekend of Nutcracker is always a tough one. Even leaving the theatre after the last show is a heartbreaking moment. Because for 30 minutes you're surrounded by "fans" that want to take a picture with you and ask for your autograph. You're covered in glitter that is sticking to you because of all the sweat from all the hard work. And then after those 30 minutes, you walk out the back entrance in sweatpants, with 5 bags in hand, juggling a couple of bouquets, and your face smelling like a baby's butt. Yet, that's the very thing that I live for.

School is so foreign to me right now. I missed a couple days last week, but it feels like I missed a week. I guess I wasn't paying attention at all during theatre week from sleep deprivation and anticipation for the exciting weekend. But I am very proud of myself for writing a 6 page research paper last night in a mere 3 hours. I am a champ. However, rather than catching up on schoolwork I'm crafting more Christmas presents. Maybe I'm not much of a champ after all...

xobria

jolly good show.

2010-12-12T23:15:00.067-05:00

"bria! there's a long line of people in the front waiting to take a picture with you!"

It's over. It's over........
Becoming a part of this company, I never saw this moment. Right now. Never in a million years did I ever picture myself being the one that all the younger girls would be crying about at the end of the show when the curtain went down. I thought that I would be strong enough to not cry. But I did. We all did. We started crying even when the curtain was still up. The seniors were all standing in a row for bows, and Pedro walked onstage with a bouquet of roses for my best friend (the Sugar Plum Fairy). And the way he looked at her, the way he looked at all of us, made us all tear up right there in front of the entire audience. We did the final bow with tears rolling down our faces but with smiles. It was such an amazing night.

The day started earlier than planned because we had to re-space Snow. A girl jumped into a completely new spot for her to take the place of the girl that got hurt yesterday (she's doing fine. She's in a brace and on crutches. She'll be seeing a doctor within the next week or so, and she half-heartedly happily watched from the audience this evening). Thankfully, the Snow scene is something that has been the same since the beginning of time, so she learned it in a matter of a few runs and approximately an hour of rehearsal. Doing the warm-up this morning, I looked around at everyone, and I could see it - we were tired. We've had a long week. We didn't want to be tired, but we just were. The stage floor is hard, and our shins hurt. Our faces were dry from all the stage make-up. Despite all of that, we had to keep the energy up. The audience wasn't going to pay money to see us all be tired onstage. So we perked it up and got ready for one last bangin' Nutcracker show.

I was praying that history wouldn't repeat itself today...in the past I've fallen and messed up miserably during the Sunday show. I've tripped and fallen practically on my face. I messed up some steps. I did 4 less fouettes than I was supposed to. For some reason, the Sunday show was never a good show for me, but this year I was determined to make sure that didn't happen. I said double the number of "I'm fearless"-es than I normally do and caressed the floor the best that I could (me and my strange rituals) just so that I wouldn't mess up the last show of my senior Nutcracker. And just like I prayed, nothing went wrong. Like I said earlier this week, for some reason, this year's Nutcracker is super magical!

After we all wiped our tears from our senior moment onstage, we all continued on to the parade. The Executive Director on the board of the company came running to me and said, "Bria! There's a long line of people waiting in the front waiting to take a picture with you!" And I couldn't believe it. Tai happily followed me to the front to see the little girls and boys waiting for me. It's a strange feeling knowing that these people don't know me at all, yet they liked me as if they knew me. People told me things that made me nearly tear up. Every single year I'm reminded why I do this. As dancers, we have to make our audience feel something. The number of autographs and pictures from year to year don't matter at all. It's the little things that people say when they shake my hand and whisper in my ear. They mean the world to me.

I really hate to say goodbye to this year's Nutcracker. It's been one hell of a ride and probably one of the best.
Thanks for being good to me, Nutcracker 2010. Hugs and kisses. Farewell...

xobria

praypraypray.

2010-12-11T23:56:00.040-05:00

"you just light up a stage...when there were many people onstage, i could only keep my eyes on you."

Tonight was the first public show!
The day started off with yet another photoshoot for Cinderella which is coming up in a few months. It's unbelievable! Taking pictures in the costume with my fairy godmother and prince charming made me feel a little anxious and nervous for the actual show...but we also took some pictures for some other promotional ads. We took some in the kickline costume, and I really can't wait to see how they turn out! I really hope we look as good as the Rockettes...if that's even possible.

The show tonight was fantastic. My best friend danced the part of Clara, and we all are so proud of her. We became a little teary-eyed at the end of the show when we realized that it was over, but we were all smiles again when we realized how amazing of a show it was. We all kicked butt, and we couldn't help but be happy and proud of ourselves. I danced a demi-soloist part in the Waltz of the Flowers, and I couldn't help but think about last year when I danced as Dewdrop. That night was so magical and unbelievable. The feeling in the air tonight is a little different though...

Tonight my alternate for Arabian got hurt. She slipped on some confetti during curtain call bows, and her knee gave out. It popped out, and it popped back in. After her great big bow, she limped into the line. She stood in front of me shaking and faking a smile. I couldn't even imagine the pain she was feeling at the moment, but I could tell that it was a lot. She was shaking. Tears were forming in her eyes, yet she still had a smile on her face because we were still onstage and that curtain was still up. After bows, the curtain fell, and Pedro ran onstage and scooped her up into her arms and rushed her into the dressing room. We were all panicking and afraid of what this would mean for us. But just like she did, we had to fake smiles to go out and parade for the public. Not to our surprise, a lot of people noticed her slip and were asking if she was alright. We couldn't give a straight answer. A few minutes later, we saw Pedro walking around.

He approached me, and I asked for a picture. But after the picture, I could tell that he was still worried for her. He told me that I was going to have to dance three parts tomorrow to make-up for the loss. He wasn't happy to make changes in the casting, but this is show biz; you gotta do what you gotta do. I was ready to take on the three parts and dance all three, and the rumors floated around too fast. And the plans kept on changing. In the end, Pedro found a better plan. A returning senior graduate from last year was back home from college and came to the show tonight to support us all, and luckily Pedro caught her before she left to ask her to dance with us in the show tomorrow. She couldn't say "no" to more memories and crazy times backstage, so tomorrow she will be dancing the part of Spanish Chocolate. And I will be able to keep to my on-schedule 2 part show. The evening took an interesting turn for the better and worst, but all we can do is pray and hope for the best.

xobria

on a lighter note...this is completely normal of the four of us. best friends forever <3

the (last) school show.

2010-12-10T23:55:00.021-05:00

"in all seriouness..."

The school show has always been one of my favorite parts about Nutcracker season. I remember my very first Nutcracker with the company...we got to go out after the show and talk to all the little kids that came to the show. Only company members got to go out and speak with the kids. It didn't matter if you were a party girl or a Russian corps dancer - you went out and conversed with the kids. Some of them were so amazed to see the cotumes up close and were able to touch them. I loved seeing their faces full of delight and awe from the classic holiday ballet. But for some reason, that was the last year we ever got to go out and parade after the school show. I miss doing that. I wish we still did that...

Regardless of not being able to do the parade after the show, the show went really great! There's something special about this year's Nutcracker. Maybe it's because I'm a senior and it's my last one and it's everything I could ever ask for from my senior year. Maybe, just maybe. But still, this year seems so much more magical than in the past. We had a really good crowd today as far as the schools go. The best is when they still clap even when you mess up. It makes you smile bigger and point that foot even harder than you were before. When I did Arabian today, a lot of them clapped when I did a split. I just giggled a little on the inside because a split is such a common thing that doesn't amaze many dancers anymore. And in the end, it was very bittersweet to know that next year I won't be joining the company for a school performance of the Nutcracker. I won't wake up at 5am to be at the theatre at 7am in my glasses, make-up-free face, fuzzy socks, and coffee in hand. I won't be sneaking donutholes into the dressing room. I won't be getting "good luck" texts from my friends that are sitting in class at school while I'm getting ready for the opening of the show. And I'll miss it so much...

But it's not the end yet! We've still got 2 more shows! And thank God. I don't think I can say goodbye to Nutcracker 2010 just yet...

xobria

one...

2010-12-09T23:32:00.024-05:00

Thankfully I got to stay home from school today to rest up for the next three days/shows I've got ahead of me. And I spent the day sleeping in, cleaning my room, and icing my feet as I crafted some Christmas presents. So I would say it was a rather good day.
Tonight's rehearsal was Cast B, so I danced as a Snowflake and Violet. Also, my little brother joined me in the rehearsal this evening since he's in this cast with me. He was quite excited to get the costume and makeup on, and from what I heard, he did a very good job. I pray he doesn't get ill again this year for the actual show! As usual, flowers had to stay after everyone else to work on spacing and timing. Flowers this year has been all over the place, but thank goodness that we're finally getting it right...the day before the first show, ha. But better late than never, I always say! But tonight my feet are starting to get very angry at me from all the dancing, so I've got them in buckets of ice. I've got a crochet project sitting next to me with a big mug of hot tea accompainied by a couple of Tylenol PM's. See you all at 7am tomorrow morning!

One last list...
-I'm crafting a cigar box for a bunch of boys. They're going to love it.
-I love making fun of people when they make a typo when they text.
-Fridat shit.
-Plank Fridat.
-I still haven't figured out what it is about ice baths that I love so much.
-I really should be worried about how much school I'm missing today and tomorrow...oh, well.
-Forgive me, I'm a senior.
-Last Nutcracker school show tomorrow morning?! I don't believe it......

xobria

two...

2010-12-08T23:52:00.034-05:00

Tonight was dress rehearsal numéro un! By this day in the week, we're all just tired. Nothing more, nothing less. Just tired. But we've got to keep the energy up. We were all excited to wear the new snowflake costumes that Mrs. Long has worked hard on for the past few months. We're the first girls to ever wear them, and we all feel honored. Mrs. Long has a way with stitches and tulle, and her hardwork is appreciated when we all look beautiful in the white tulle on that stage. And we were all looking forward to jamming hundreds of bobbypins into our heads with these new headpieces that Mr. Pedro has handmade. Yes. He handmade each headpiece one-by-one. He certainly can work some magic outside the dance studio as well. He told us that each headpiece is made of about 250 beads. That's a lot of beads, and a lot of headpieces. Thank you, Mr. Pedro!

Tonight's run through went well. I was Arabian tonight, and I'm so comfortable with this dance it's not even funny. I've wanted to dance this dance ever since my first Nutcracker in grade four. And I finally have it, and I couldn't love a dance in Nutcracker anymore than I love Arabian Coffee (okay, maybe the SugarPlum Grand Pas. But I like it mostly for the music). There were a lot of great pictures taken tonight by the one and only Dan McDilda! You can check them out here! We have one more dress rehearsal to go, then it's showtime!

The list:
-I missed Keltie's special live video chat on Facebook tonight because rehearsal went on longer than expected. I was still dancing in the Land of Sweets while a bunch of you were listening to Keltie read and being book nerds and super dorks with her.
-A college called me tonight and conducted an interview while I was half naked backstage in the dressing room in between Act I and Act II. Good thing I wasn't in opening of Act II, and I hope I get into that college.
-I come home to no food. It must be theatre week/the van broke down again week.
-I have a 100 in English again. I can't complain.
-One week until my love leaves for Europe and leaves me alone for the holidays.
-One week until Heartbreaker returns and asked to spend time with me again.
-The girls backstage are really starting to appreciate my taste in music because it's perfect for getting ready for a show. They all agree that I would be a good DJ. Must get it from the boyf ;)
-And I can't get enough of foreign singers...

xobria

et nous n'avons plus rien à risquer.

three...

2010-12-07T23:13:00.011-05:00

Tonight was Act I rehearsal at the Theatre. So this meant a lot of waiting around till all of Party Scene and Battle Scene of both casts rehearsed so that all the little kids can go home early. So Senior Company is left last to rehearse Snow late at night. Once again I watched my little brother get all excited about being on the big stage. He's so cute as a party boy, and he looks so tiny from offstage! It's cute because his partner is a good foot taller than him. He is quite the ladies' man.

Starting to get tired...
-I sewed a pair of new pointe shoes tonight and wore them for Snow tonight. Boy, do my toes feel better.
-I didn't have a pair of scissors with me while I was sewing my pointe shoes, so I used a geometry compass to cut the thread. You never know what you can use a compass for!
-Remember the Humping Chair? Yeah, I do too.
-I have a difficult time trying not to sound cheesy.
-Most ballerinas have a good sense of bathroom humor.
-There's something about that coffee shop...

See you on the flipside!
xobria

four...

2010-12-06T22:15:00.033-05:00

It's here, folks - Nutcracker Theatre Week 2010.

I've got a busy week ahead of me, and I already feel like it's going to be a long week. It's good to be back here. I truly love the theatre, and even just being there for rehearsal in a leo + tights instead of a costume of tulle is such a wonderful feeling. I fall in love with the way the chairs in the house look from the stage. I fall in love with the scenery and the ropes that pull up the legs and curtains. I fall in love with the dark hallways backstage and the hot lights around the makeup mirrors. I'm in love with being at the theatre, so I'm more than happy to be here every single day of the week.

Here I am going off on my own to charge my laptop and trying to get some homework done between my cues onstage. I've got my pancaked pointe shoes for Arabian and my grandma sweater on. Very typical of theatre week. And of course leave it to me to wait till the last minute to sew new pointe shoes and jet glue these pancaked ones. Pedro usually tells us not to wear new pointe shoes onstage, but I'm breaking the rules before I break my ankle on these super dead pointe shoes.

Today was Act II, and I must say that I think that it was a pretty smooth run through. Besides Flowers (big surprise), everything only had to be danced once. The guest artist and arriving tomorrow, and we're all anxious to see what he's like.

First Theatre Week list!

-Please warn everyone before you peel a grape. It could be deadly.

-I must say, I have the best handmaidens for Arabian. They look fierce and make me look good at the same time too!

-Is it even possible to have a 16.67%?

-When I wasn't working on homework, I was crocheting. In my grandma sweater. How appropriate.

-I bought my first Moleskin journal today. Too bad it's not for me...

-My little bro should not be at the theatre this late at night.

-Who's that guy, and what is he doing here? ...oh. That's a girl...?

Till tomorrow...

xobria

final rehearsals.

2010-12-05T22:32:00.079-05:00

This weekend has been quite a long one.

Yesterday, I danced all day from 9 to 6. Just a tad longer than the average work day, but instead I'm doing werk. This weekend was the final put-togethers before theatre week starts tomorrow. I had a rather easy day yesterday doing only Snow and Arabian. However, we all felt Mr. Pedro's stress from the pressure of putting on a great show because he continued to yell at certain dancers. He made threats of cutting people. He made them do it over and over and over again until there wasn't a mistake in sight. He shouted corrections and yelled names. But this is what it takes to create a wonderful show. Honestly, we were all scared of Pedro. He's the type of person that rarely gets mad, but when he does get mad, it isn't pretty. I admire Pedro's discipline and constant pushing to do our best because we need to get in the habit of always doing so. We all shut our mouths and did what he asked because he wasn't happy. He looked truly upset and disappointed in how we were dancing yesterday. But in the midst of his rage and disappointment, his sad face turned into a smile because of me.

I was cold and had slipped my arms into my sweatpants making the pant legs long sleeves and my head sitting on the top of the waist of the pants. Pedro took one look at me, smirked, giggled, and said, "Bria, you make my day." Leave it to me to brighten up your day no matter what. I'm always that girl that can brighten up your day but can't brighten up her own.

I waited until the last minute (I'm really good at that) to get new pointe shoes for the theatre next week, so I dealt with dead pointe shoes all weekend. But JetGlue is my savior. It works wonders. If I were to only have a set number of pointe shoe essentials for when you're really in pain from them being dead or from an ingrown toenail/blister/bruised toenail/missing toenail/etc., they would be: 2nd skin, Orajel, toe tape, and JetGlue.

Today was a little shorter day dancing from noon to five in preparation for the long theatre week coming up. My brother joined me today in the studio for rehearsal, and he keeps improving every single time I watch him. He has so much natural talent that it almost wants to make me kill myself. He has naturally gorgeous feet and nice legs for long lines; it's not fait. But I've come to love what I've got and be nothing but proud of my little bro. Every once and a while, he would get the wrong foot, but I was the exactly same way. He loves to do it, and that's all that matters.

i was only a Snowflake + a Violet today, and as usual, Flower was a wreck. But on the plus side, my group of Petals and Leaves is always perfect. Thanks, girls. The reason why the girls in my group are always together and on the right marks is because I push them there. I admit it. Sometimes I do feel bad that I push and shove them into the right places and to make them go faster, but I have permission from Pedro and Rebecca that I can do so. I've learned that - especially when dancing in a corps group - being together and looking uniform is important. And if that means being pushed around to look exactly like everyone else, then that's what it's going to take. I'm going to be honest and say that it's taken me a long time to understand that knowing how to work and dance with a corp group is an important tool that every dancer should have. You won't always be the lead role. You won't always be front and center doing 32 fouettes or tombé pas de bourrés. Sometimes you'll be in the back and just standing there for 15 minutes in one pose and you can't move. I've been that position, believe me. And now that I think about it, I wish when I was younger that an older girl would push me around and put me in my place to understand the importance of a ballet corps. It would've saved me from being yelled at often...

Nutcracker 2010 is finally here.

And my last performance with SVB is in one week.

I don't think I'll be able to hold it together. But bring it on, Theatre Week.

xobria

dicken around.

2010-12-03T23:54:00.030-05:00

Tonight we danced outside at the annual opening of the Christmas festival downtown called Dickens of a Christmas. Last year I mentioned it a little bit and briefly talked about how cold it was, and I'm glad that I didn't go into much detail about the temperatures last year because this year was far worse. Last year it was a meek 40 degrees, but this year it was a biting 27 degrees with high winds. It was probably not a good idea to be dancing out there in a leotard and tights, but the people came for a show, so we were there to give them one. That's show biz...

We were moved to a different location this year which made the walk to the stage a little more exhausting and less discrete. A nearby bank let us use their lobby as a dressing room and recooperating area before we were to run 20 yards to the stage in the freezing cold. We were allowed to wear our peacoats and pants down to the stage, but as soon as the dance preceding yours took the stage, you had to strip down to your costume. People in the audience wrapped around the stage and into the streets. Some audience members were right beside me as I continued to keep warm by doing jumping jacks and high-knees, but I didn't pay any attention to them and their remarks. I had to focus. It's not easy dancing on a plywood stage with a thin bit of fabric keeping your body warmth in and still keeping grace in your every step and a pleasant look on your face. I performed Cinderella and the kickline - It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas.

My Cinderella variation surprisingly went better tonight than I thought I did at the Nutcracker Ball! I was definitely shocked because the only difference was the setting - this one was a little less formal and a little more chilly. But I had a costume malfunction in the middle of my variation...my shoe started coming off! I know I'm Cinderella, but in the actual ballet I'm supposed to perform this dance as soon as I get to the ball, so my shoe started coming off about an hour too early! I just got to the ball, damnitt! Good thing people don't take it too seriously, and I quickly pulled up the heel of my shoe before I got kicked out of the ball.

The show closed out with the kickline, and it was the best we've ever done it! We knew that with a few more rehearsals that the kickline would be looking polished and perfect for the last time we would ever have to perform it. And as usual, the crowd loved it. It's the closest thing many of them will ever see to a Rockette show, although I do wish that everyone could go see a Rockette show (including me). But they all loved it. And after we strutted offstage, we stopped pretending we weren't cold and ran back to the bank lobby to get back into our peacoats and sweatpants and rip off our fake eyelashes.

At the end of the night, we all walked out of the bank lobby with black smudges on our face from makeup wipes' attempts at making us look street-appropriate, sweatpants, and 5 bags on our shoulders and in our hands. We look bag ladies just going to Dicken's of a Christmas for a good time. We walked past the stage and it was empty. No one was surrounding the stage anymore. But the big christmas tree was right behind it looking pretty and bright just like it should. We seniors got a little teary eyed, both from the blowing winds and the sadness of our last performance at Dicken's of a Christmas, and we walked off to get some hot chocolate and kettle corn.

Are you starting to get into the Christmas spirit?

xobria

just for today.

2010-12-01T23:22:00.000-05:00

I miss you today.
Just for today.